Columbo Quotes

Columbo: Just one more thing...

TV Show: Columbo
Alex Benedict: You're always imagining that I'm, I'm leaping into beds all over town. I've never done that.
Janice Benedict: Oh, Alex, don't. I know you.
Alex Benedict: Why do all these people feel that they know me?

TV Show: Columbo
Lieutenant Columbo: I can't stand suicide. Murder is bad, but suicide is sadder.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [referring to bullfighting] I don't know how you fight a thing like that and make a living.
Luis Montoya: It's more than a living, Lieutenant. It's a way of life.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Good evening, ma'am. My name is Lt. Columbo, Homicide. I'd like to speak to Paul Gerard. Is he home?
Eve Plummer: I'm not sure.
Lt. Columbo: Is it a big house or is he just out to the police?

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Oh, listen, one more thing... [Kingston groans in exasperation]
Lt. Columbo: It'll just - it'll just take a second. I stopped by your apartment a few times.
Dale Kingston: Why, do you want to search my place?
Lt. Columbo: No. Just to ask you something about art. You said you had some books and things there that I could see.
Dale Kingston: You may look at anything you wish. You can snoop in all of my closets. You can peek under the beds. You won't find any stolen paintings.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, really, I've never said anything about...
Dale Kingston: [removes key from key ring] Here, would you like the key to my apartment? You may simply leave it under the mat when you leave.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, really, I...
Dale Kingston: No, no, go ahead, I insist. See what I live like, find out what kind of human being I am, learn everything you can about me.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I - I mean, I admit it would be more convenient, but, uh, [takes key]
Lt. Columbo: thank you very much, Mr. Kingston. Uh, I'm sorry I took up so much of your time. I might drop by and borrow a few books or something like that.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You know that gallery you went to? Checked out. Hope you don't mind.
Dale Kingston: Oh, that's your job. And?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, the parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there, all right. So that if Mr. Matthews was killed at eleven o'clock, then you sure didn't do it.
Dale Kingston: Now isn't that a shame, Lieutenant? And here I am, your best and most obvious suspect, too. Tch, tch, tch, tch.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, don't say things like that. Really, you got me all wrong.
Dale Kingston: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah.

TV Show: Columbo
Flemming: Oh, Doctor, I'm the patient's husband. Is she, is she alright?
Doctor: I'm sorry. She passed away.
Flemming: Did she...did she say anything?
Doctor: If it's any consolation, the one thing she said was your name.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I was wondering, Doctor. Would you take me on as a patient?
Flemming: Take you on as a what?!?
Lt. Columbo: No, I mean it. Maybe you can help me. I don't know that-- There must something wrong with me. I seem to bother people. I seem to make them nervous and maybe you could tell me why.

TV Show: Columbo
Flemming: You never stop, do you?
Lt. Columbo: What?
Flemming: The insinuations, the change of pace. You're a bag of tricks, Columbo, right down to that prop cigar you use.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, come on, Doc.
Flemming: I'm going to tell you something about yourself. You think you need a psychologist. Maybe you do, maybe you don't, but you are a textbook example of compensation.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, what, Doc?
Flemming: Compensation. Adaptability. You're an intelligent man, Columbo, but you hide it. You pretend you're something you're not. Why, because of your appearance you think you can't get by on looks or polish, so you turn a defect into a virtue. You take people by surprise. They underestimate you. And that's where you trip them up.

TV Show: Columbo
Flemming: You know, sometimes I get the impression you think I killed my wife.
Lt. Columbo: You? Oh no, Doc. How could you? You were out of town.
Flemming: I'm glad you remembered that. Unless you think I hired someone to kill her. The boy who confessed, maybe I paid him to do it.
Lt. Columbo: No, Doc. You didn't do that.
Flemming: How do you know?
Lt. Columbo: I already asked him.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Uh, I'm sorry. I was, uh, I was just thinking about something.
Gordon: What was that?
Lt. Columbo: No, it's nothing important. It's, uh, Dr. Flemming, he didn't call to his wife when he came back to his apartment.
Gordon: I don't follow you.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, well, I was in the bedroom. I was checking some things and I heard him open the front door and he didn't say anything. Gee, it's funny how people are different, isn't it? Now you take myself. When I come home from a trip, uh, first thing I do is I say, "Honey, you here?"
Gordon: [annoyed] Exactly what is your point, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: Point? Well, I wasn't making a point.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Mrs. William, you have no conscience and that's your weakness. Did it ever occur to you that there are very few people who would take money to forget about a murder? It didn't, did it? I knew it wouldn't.

TV Show: Columbo
Leslie: You know Columbo, you're almost likeable in a shabby sort of way. Maybe it's the way you come slouching in here with your shopworn bag of tricks.
Lt. Columbo: Me? Tricks?
Leslie: The humility, the seeming absentmindedness, the homey anecdotes about the family, the wife, you know.
Lt. Columbo: Really?
Leslie: Yeah, Lt. Columbo fumbling and stumbling along but it's always the jugular that he's after. And I imagine that more often than not he's successful.

TV Show: Columbo
Leslie: Lt. Columbo?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah?
Leslie: Thank you for straightening Margaret out. I appreciate it.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, it was the only thing I could do. I mean I just can't have you accused of murder on the wrong evidence.

TV Show: Columbo
Agent Carlson: Let's understand this one thing. If you start harassing this woman I'm going to take it upstairs.
Lt. Columbo: Um, just one minute, uh, Mr. Carlson. It's like this. This is not just a kidnapping. This is a murder now and I kinda figure that's my department. I'll see ya around.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Did she ask where the body was?
Agent Carlson: No.
Lt. Columbo: I didn't think so. Oh, listen, one more thing, Mr. Carlson. She didn't ask how her husband was killed, did she?
Carlson: No.
Lt. Columbo: That's what I thought.

TV Show: Columbo
Leslie: Now, when their attorney cross examines you about the accident, cry.
Client: About what?
Leslie: Everything, especially when he asks you how fast you were going when you hit their car.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Say, you know the soap you have in the bathroom, the ones shaped like little lemons?
Leslie: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I was almost afraid to use them.
Leslie: But that's what they're there for, Lieutenant, to be used.
Lt. Columbo: Well, if you don't mind my asking, when you use one and you put it back in the plate, how do you keep it from sticking to the others?
Leslie: It's a problem.
Lt. Columbo: That's what I figured.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Hey, I'm sorry. I'm making a pest of myself.
Ken Franklin: Naw!
Lt. Columbo: Yes, yes, I am! I know, it's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell ya, I can't help myself. It's a habit.

TV Show: Columbo
Ken Franklin: That's a provocative statement. Can you prove that?
Lt. Columbo: Yes. Not with the witness 'cause you killed the witness. But I got another way to prove it.
Ken Franklin: Will you enlighten me? I must say, I enjoy watching a man raise without any cards in his hand.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: So you don't think I'm going to be able to find a cabin to rent, huh?
Ken Franklin: Best bet is to go down and check with some of the local real estate people.
Lt. Columbo: Uh huh. Because I think it would be fun to be neighbors for a couple of weeks.
Ken Franklin: [laughs] Yeah.

TV Show: Columbo
Ken Franklin: Now, wait a minute. You, you look like you're troubled. Is there some reason for your question?
Lt. Columbo: Uh, it's your mail.
Ken Franklin: My mail?
Lt. Columbo: Isn't it funny how people are different? Now, me, if I found my partner dead I'd never think of opening my letters.
Ken Franklin: But I-I-I just did it to distract myself. I mean you gotta remember one thing. That's a great shock.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, that's understandable. And bills are distracting.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I don't understand.
Ken Franklin: Well, that's painfully obvious. One of these men had Jim killed.
Lt. Columbo: Really? Why?
Ken Franklin: Tell me something-- how long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant? Mrs. Melville would have put that together like that. [snaps his fingers]
Lt. Columbo: Look, I, I wanna take all the help I can get.

TV Show: Columbo
Ken Franklin: I'll tell you something, Lieutenant. See, if Mrs. Melville were on this case, oh, she'd be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now.
Lt. Columbo: Is that the lady in the books?

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You know what, Ken? I'm gonna tell you the truth. For awhile there I never thought I was gonna get you. Believe me, you had me going in such circles. I couldn't figure it out. Suddenly, I thought of something-- how clever that first murder was-- the phone gimmick, working in late in the office. Brilliant!
Ken Franklin: Are you awarding gold medals today?
Lt. Columbo: Yes! For the first one, not for the second one. That was sloppy. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.

TV Show: Columbo
Arthur Kennicut: What would you have done if the car hadn't broken down? You couldn't set up this trap.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I guess we would have found some other way. You know what this place reminds me of, just seeing all these cars? You know, in our neighborhood we had a bunch of jokers. I mean we were a real loud bunch of guys and we figured out a perfect way to put a car out of commission. You take a potato, you stick it in the exhaust pipe. Doesn't cause any damage but the car won't start. It was a terrible thing to do. And I got a feeling that the reason I became a cop was to make up for all those jokes I played when I was a kid.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I was just wondering because your beach house and his beach house, they're fairly close, aren't they?
Brimmer: No. It's a couple of miles.
Lt. Columbo: That close! Isn't that a coincidence! I'll tell ya, this case is just full of 'em.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Isn't that weird? What a coincidence!
Brimmer: What's that?
Lt. Columbo: Here a moment ago we were talking about lefthanded people and you're lefthanded.

TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [During a lesson with the golf pro he's investigating] Listen, can I help you out? Don't say anything else. You don't have an attorney. Wait until you get an attorney. This way you can hurt your case. Believe me, I know something about my business. I don't know nothing about golf, you know. See, that's your business. I know something about my business. And believe me, you know, down through the years, uh, you get so that you, uh, you develop a nose for things, you see, and, uh, makes a perfect golf shot after a while the ol' nose just tells you when someone is not giving you the truth. Now, uh, I'm gonna forget about the lesson because I could never learn this game but I'll be back to talk to ya.

TV Show: Columbo