Columbo Quotes
[Columbo is walking into the club wearing a new green raincoat]
Policeman: Excuse me, sir.
Lt. Columbo: I'm Lt. Columbo.
Policeman: Oh, I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't recognize you. You look different somehow.
Lt. Columbo: I've had a haircut.
Policeman: Excuse me, sir.
Lt. Columbo: I'm Lt. Columbo.
Policeman: Oh, I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't recognize you. You look different somehow.
Lt. Columbo: I've had a haircut.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I gotta take off this coat. I can't think in this coat...THE COAT, I can't think in the coat.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [to Dog as he puts his new coat in the car] Now I'm going to leave this coat in here. If anyone tries to steal it, look the other way.
TV Show: Columbo
Sgt. Wilson: You see, sir, we're stumped with the motive.
Santini: Do you have a suspect?
Lt. Columbo: Yes.
Santini: You do?
Lt. Columbo: We do. But we don't have a motive for you.
Santini: Do you have a suspect?
Lt. Columbo: Yes.
Santini: You do?
Lt. Columbo: We do. But we don't have a motive for you.
TV Show: Columbo
Santini: [as Columbo enters] Oh no.
Female Companion: What's the matter?
Santini: Someone I thought I'd seen the last of.
Female Companion: Do you think you could make him disappear too?
Santini: Splendid suggestion but in his case, I think rather doubtful.
Female Companion: What's the matter?
Santini: Someone I thought I'd seen the last of.
Female Companion: Do you think you could make him disappear too?
Santini: Splendid suggestion but in his case, I think rather doubtful.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: A letter addressed to the Department of Immigration and Nationalization that identifies you as a war criminal means opportunity and motive. It's enough to convict for first degree murder.
Santini: It's impossible. It's a trick and not a very good one.
Lt. Columbo: A trick? No, that's the letter.
Santini: Oh no, Lieutenant. No, you see, this letter was burned. [letter goes up in flames] So much for your letter.
Lt. Columbo: [dramatically pulls another letter from his pocket] There's the letter! I hope you were watching carefully. That's my best trick. Of course, I don't have your style but I get pretty good results.
Santini: It's impossible. It's a trick and not a very good one.
Lt. Columbo: A trick? No, that's the letter.
Santini: Oh no, Lieutenant. No, you see, this letter was burned. [letter goes up in flames] So much for your letter.
Lt. Columbo: [dramatically pulls another letter from his pocket] There's the letter! I hope you were watching carefully. That's my best trick. Of course, I don't have your style but I get pretty good results.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Well, what do you know. Here I am talking with some of the smartest people in the world, and I didn't even notice!
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Lt. Columbo: There once was an old man from Lyne. He took three wives at a time. When asked why a third, he said, "One is absurd, and two, my friends is a crime."
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Forgive me, ma'am, for being indelicate like that but you know all the years that I've been doing this kind of work I still don't know how to make it sound inoffensive when one person kills another.
TV Show: Columbo
Santini: And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder.
Lt. Columbo: Perfect murder, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. There's no such thing as a perfect murder. That's just an illusion.
Lt. Columbo: Perfect murder, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. There's no such thing as a perfect murder. That's just an illusion.
TV Show: Columbo
Charles Clay: Isn't the police always called in when there's any possibility of an accident?
Lt. Columbo: Accident? Oh, I'm sure it's just an accident. Don't worry just because I'm from homicide. Didn't I mention that? Well, never mind.
Lt. Columbo: Accident? Oh, I'm sure it's just an accident. Don't worry just because I'm from homicide. Didn't I mention that? Well, never mind.
TV Show: Columbo
Charles Clay: There on 24 hours duty. I simply could not have returned without them seeing me.
Lt. Columbo: Yes sir, I guess that's all true and that guard, he certainly remembers what time you left just like I told you he did. But that's exactly what's been bothering me right from the beginning-- time. Ever since I saw that beautiful watch of yours. Time. Why would you check with the guard when you were leaving the island, the time? He's got a drugstore watch. Unless you wanted to make certain when you were leaving he would remember...
Sgt. Mac Albinsky: The time.
Lt. Columbo: Yes sir, I guess that's all true and that guard, he certainly remembers what time you left just like I told you he did. But that's exactly what's been bothering me right from the beginning-- time. Ever since I saw that beautiful watch of yours. Time. Why would you check with the guard when you were leaving the island, the time? He's got a drugstore watch. Unless you wanted to make certain when you were leaving he would remember...
Sgt. Mac Albinsky: The time.
TV Show: Columbo
Ward Fowler: You think she was murdered, don't you?
Lt. Columbo: I, I beg your pardon, sir?
Ward Fowler: You heard me.
Lt. Columbo: Yes sir, I did. Uh, I mean, yes, I do think it was a premeditated killing, sir. I mean I think the robbery was staged to cover up the murder. Um, how did you know, sir?
Ward Fowler: Why else would you be here?
Lt. Columbo: It could be just a routine check, sir.
Ward Fowler: No, Lieutenant. They don't send a police detective stumbling around, asking silly, fake, innocent questions on a routine check. I know that from my show.
Lt. Columbo: Silly, fake, innocent questions, like what, sir?
Lt. Columbo: I, I beg your pardon, sir?
Ward Fowler: You heard me.
Lt. Columbo: Yes sir, I did. Uh, I mean, yes, I do think it was a premeditated killing, sir. I mean I think the robbery was staged to cover up the murder. Um, how did you know, sir?
Ward Fowler: Why else would you be here?
Lt. Columbo: It could be just a routine check, sir.
Ward Fowler: No, Lieutenant. They don't send a police detective stumbling around, asking silly, fake, innocent questions on a routine check. I know that from my show.
Lt. Columbo: Silly, fake, innocent questions, like what, sir?
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Lt. Columbo: [to Fowler] Brilliant, sir! I'm very impressed! No wonder you solve more crimes than I do, sir.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: The parka and the ski mask, that's where they both came from.
Ward Fowler: And the gun?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, come on, sir. You're putting me on. You know that guns don't come from the wardrobe department.
Ward Fowler: Of course. How stupid of me.
Lt. Columbo: Nope, that's the props department, sir, not the wardrobe department. How does a smart man like Lt. Lucerne make a mistake like that?
Ward Fowler: Because you're not talking to Lt. Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.
Lt. Columbo: Well, what's the difference, sir?
Ward Fowler: The difference is Ward Fowler is under suspicion of murder and a man under that kind of threat is apt to make mistakes, apt to get rattled.
Lt. Columbo: Well, whoever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder?
Ward Fowler: Lt. Lucerne did.
Lt. Columbo: He did?
Ward Fowler: And the gun?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, come on, sir. You're putting me on. You know that guns don't come from the wardrobe department.
Ward Fowler: Of course. How stupid of me.
Lt. Columbo: Nope, that's the props department, sir, not the wardrobe department. How does a smart man like Lt. Lucerne make a mistake like that?
Ward Fowler: Because you're not talking to Lt. Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.
Lt. Columbo: Well, what's the difference, sir?
Ward Fowler: The difference is Ward Fowler is under suspicion of murder and a man under that kind of threat is apt to make mistakes, apt to get rattled.
Lt. Columbo: Well, whoever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder?
Ward Fowler: Lt. Lucerne did.
Lt. Columbo: He did?
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: There were no prints on the gun because you wiped the gun clean, sir. But there is a reason the lab report took so long. You remembered to clean the gun, but you didn't remember to do the same thing with the bullets.
Ward Fowler: Damn! I had to forget something. That's always how the third act ends.
Ward Fowler: Damn! I had to forget something. That's always how the third act ends.
TV Show: Columbo
Phyllis Brandt: A search warrant! I have never been so insulted! Never! What does it look like?
Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry, Mrs. Brandt. I thought the investigation warranted it.
Phyllis Brandt: I'll have you disbarred for this, whatever the hell that word is.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, ma'am. Fired I think is the word you want.
Phyllis Brandt: Worse than that! You will never get another job, not in this city, not in this state, not in any police force in this country! I am not without certain influence, Lt. Columbus!
Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry, Mrs. Brandt. I thought the investigation warranted it.
Phyllis Brandt: I'll have you disbarred for this, whatever the hell that word is.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, ma'am. Fired I think is the word you want.
Phyllis Brandt: Worse than that! You will never get another job, not in this city, not in this state, not in any police force in this country! I am not without certain influence, Lt. Columbus!
TV Show: Columbo
Phyllis Brandt: Alright, Lieutenant. Examine me.
Lt. Columbo: No, no. Uh, look, Mrs. Brandt. It's a very tragic thing. If you ever feel faint while I'm asking you questions you'll let me know-- I mean the last thing I want to do is upset you.
Phyllis Brandt: [starts crying] Oh no! No! [she gets up and starts walking away]
Lt. Columbo: [getting up and following her] I'm sorry! [steps on the hem of her dress, ripping it, causing her to turn and stare at him] Well, thank you, Mrs. Brandt. That's all the questions for today. Thank you.
Lt. Columbo: No, no. Uh, look, Mrs. Brandt. It's a very tragic thing. If you ever feel faint while I'm asking you questions you'll let me know-- I mean the last thing I want to do is upset you.
Phyllis Brandt: [starts crying] Oh no! No! [she gets up and starts walking away]
Lt. Columbo: [getting up and following her] I'm sorry! [steps on the hem of her dress, ripping it, causing her to turn and stare at him] Well, thank you, Mrs. Brandt. That's all the questions for today. Thank you.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [in a hair salon] Excuse me. Darryl?
Darryl: Yes? A challenge! But I'll do my best. Sit please, please.
Lt. Columbo: Uh, no, actually I just wanted to ask a few questions.
Darryl: Oh. Don't sue. Just wear a hat and never let him cut it again.
Lt. Columbo: No, sir, uh... [looking in mirror] Is it that bad?
Darryl: Um, yes, yes. Now that's all the questions I have time for. Next!
Darryl: Yes? A challenge! But I'll do my best. Sit please, please.
Lt. Columbo: Uh, no, actually I just wanted to ask a few questions.
Darryl: Oh. Don't sue. Just wear a hat and never let him cut it again.
Lt. Columbo: No, sir, uh... [looking in mirror] Is it that bad?
Darryl: Um, yes, yes. Now that's all the questions I have time for. Next!
TV Show: Columbo
Jamie Brandt: Aunt Ruth, he was in the Army, he can handle a gun, and he's the only one who was willing to work for that salary.
TV Show: Columbo
Sergeant: See something, sir?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah. His watch is wrong. My watch cost $30. His must have cost a couple hundred and it's wrong. It says May 1st. Goes to show you money doesn't buy quality.
Officer: Lieutenant, it is May 1st. Your watch is wrong. His watch is right.
Lt. Columbo: Well, what do you expect for $30?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah. His watch is wrong. My watch cost $30. His must have cost a couple hundred and it's wrong. It says May 1st. Goes to show you money doesn't buy quality.
Officer: Lieutenant, it is May 1st. Your watch is wrong. His watch is right.
Lt. Columbo: Well, what do you expect for $30?
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You know, sir, it's a funny thing. All my life, I kept running into smart people. I don't mean smart like you or the rest of these people in this house. You know what I mean. In school, there were a lot of smarter kids, and when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there and I could tell right away it wasn't going to be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.
Oliver Brandt: I can tell you do.
Oliver Brandt: I can tell you do.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: When the squib goes off, it produces vibrations and that knocks the book down. That Danziger is a genius!
Oliver Brandt: Vibrations! That nitwit! The man who conceived all this, you make him out to be a bungling ass! No! This is what he would have done! Oh my...
Oliver Brandt: Vibrations! That nitwit! The man who conceived all this, you make him out to be a bungling ass! No! This is what he would have done! Oh my...
TV Show: Columbo
Suzy: I like the way you do your hair!
Lt. Columbo: Thank you, ma'am, I like the way you do yours...
Lt. Columbo: Thank you, ma'am, I like the way you do yours...
TV Show: Columbo
Suzy: I've tried EST, esalen, primal scream, astral projection, I'm OK-You're OK, a black mass in San Francisco and I'm STILL a target!
TV Show: Columbo
Oliver Brandt: I was an imitation adult, because that's what was expected of me. Most people don't like smart people. Most children despise smart children. So, early on, I had to hide my so-called gift... painful lonely years.
TV Show: Columbo
[Columbo walks into a restaurant carrying a doughnut]
Waitress: You buy that here?
Lt. Columbo: Uh, no. I bought it from the doughnut shop because I was going to eat it in the elevator. Then I saw my friend here and, uh... [she glares at him] I'm really terribly sorry.
[He wraps the doughnut in a napkin and gives it to the waitress who hands him a menu]
Lt. Columbo: Well, let me see, uh, um, let's see now.
Waitress: I can come back.
Lt. Columbo: No, no, no. I'll have, uh... I'll have a doughnut.
Waitress: You buy that here?
Lt. Columbo: Uh, no. I bought it from the doughnut shop because I was going to eat it in the elevator. Then I saw my friend here and, uh... [she glares at him] I'm really terribly sorry.
[He wraps the doughnut in a napkin and gives it to the waitress who hands him a menu]
Lt. Columbo: Well, let me see, uh, um, let's see now.
Waitress: I can come back.
Lt. Columbo: No, no, no. I'll have, uh... I'll have a doughnut.
TV Show: Columbo
Abigail Mitchell: Just think, Lieutenant. If you had investigated my niece's death, all this need never have happened.
TV Show: Columbo
Abigail Mitchell: Ah, look. An unfinished A. A for Annie. Did Annie my maid do it? We haven't got a butler.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: That must have been very hard, losing someone you love like that. I've been very lucky. I lost my parents. That's the way of the world. But to lose someone that young, that's like being cheated. That's very hard.
Abigail Mitchell: I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.
Lt. Columbo: Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.
Abigail Mitchell: I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.
Lt. Columbo: Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.
TV Show: Columbo