Two and a Half Men Quotes
Charlie: Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice; does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, now fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.
Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous twenty-two year old woman I'm having sex with."
Charlie: Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it! You just want them to know where yours has been. Oh, yeah, one more thing.
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: "Booty! Booty!"
Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous twenty-two year old woman I'm having sex with."
Charlie: Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it! You just want them to know where yours has been. Oh, yeah, one more thing.
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: "Booty! Booty!"
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Rose: So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you I have a new man in my life.
Evelyn: Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?
Evelyn: Oh, good for you, dear. Does the man know yet?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan and Kandi arrive late to Jake's birthday party. Everyone stares at them upon coming in]
Alan: Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!
Charlie: Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!
Alan: Sorry we're late, but... I was having sex with this gorgeous twenty-two-year-old woman!
Charlie: Wait, wait-wait-wait-wait... [grabs a camcorder] OK, come in and say that again!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake is sick in the bathroom during his birthday party]
Alan: Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?
Jake: I was tired!
Alan: OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?
Jake: In your medicine cabinet.
Alan: I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.
Jake: Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.
Charlie: Oooh.
Judith: What's going on? I don't understand.
Berta: The kid's gonna need another party hat.
Alan: Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins?
Jake: I was tired!
Alan: OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take?
Jake: In your medicine cabinet.
Alan: I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.
Jake: Yeah, you do -- the little blue ones with a "V" on them.
Charlie: Oooh.
Judith: What's going on? I don't understand.
Berta: The kid's gonna need another party hat.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: With his [Jake's] grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around.
Alan: Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?
Charlie: No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.
Alan: Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?
Charlie: No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Charlie, I need a favor.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: This event isn't televised, is it?
Charlie: No.
Evelyn: Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.
Charlie: [hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.
Alan: Come on, just ignore her.
Charlie: Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!
Charlie: No.
Evelyn: Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.
Charlie: [hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.
Alan: Come on, just ignore her.
Charlie: Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Awards ceremony emcee: And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year award, we have a special treat.
Charlie: Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns.
Charlie: Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake and Alan sing Archie's "Save the Orphans" jingle after the ceremony]
Charlie: Enough!
Alan: C'mon, it's catchy.
Charlie: So is diphtheria.
Jake: How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?
Charlie: 'Cause I don't.
Jake: In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.
Charlie: Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.
Charlie: Enough!
Alan: C'mon, it's catchy.
Charlie: So is diphtheria.
Jake: How come you don't get a runner-up trophy?
Charlie: 'Cause I don't.
Jake: In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating.
Charlie: Well, Jake, that's the difference between school and life. In life, all you get for participating is pain, loneliness, and death.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Rose, think about it. Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon? And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... period?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Kandi: Ouch.
Alan: What?
Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.
Alan: What?
Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?
Charlie: Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.
Charlie: Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Kandi: Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?
Alan: Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.
Kandi: Good, no sense drinking over this.
Charlie: You must be so proud.
Alan: Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.
Charlie: Sesame Street-smart.
Alan: Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.
Kandi: Good, no sense drinking over this.
Charlie: You must be so proud.
Alan: Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.
Charlie: Sesame Street-smart.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Did you know they [the pizzeria he is delivering for] actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust?
Charlie: Is that so?
Alan: Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.
Charlie: Is that so?
Alan: Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I'm all tapped out. All-- all I have left to put on eBay is a, a-- a kidney or a lung.
Kandi: If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.
Kandi: If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?
Kandi: To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.
Berta: Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.
Kandi: Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.
Kandi: To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.
Berta: Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.
Kandi: Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: OK, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but, Golly Moses, she's a muffin.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Kandi answers the door in a bikini]
Judith: I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.
Kandi: Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.
Judith: I just don't think that outfit is appropriate for Jake.
Kandi: Oh, I agree. He would look ridiculous in this.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Kandi: You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.
Alan: Really? How old were you when your parents split up?
Kandi: Twenty-two.
Alan: But you're twenty-two now.
Kandi: Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.
Alan: Really? How old were you when your parents split up?
Kandi: Twenty-two.
Alan: But you're twenty-two now.
Kandi: Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Kandi: I don't even know who you are anymore!
Alan: Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!
Kandi: Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!
Alan: If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!
Kandi: 'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!
Alan: Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!
Kandi: Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!
Alan: If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!
Kandi: 'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Judith and Kandi enter Charlie's house drunk at 3: 00am]
Kandi: Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!
Judith: No, no, Osama bin Alan.
Kandi: Shhh! We don't want to wake up Mr. Alan Hitler!
Judith: No, no, Osama bin Alan.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is in bed with Kandi's mother, Mandi]
Alan: Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
Charlie: Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.
Mandi: You can go two more innings?
Charlie: Even if I have to start throwing knuckle balls.
Alan: Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
Charlie: Don't worry about it. We're kind of at the seventh-inning stretch anyway.
Mandi: You can go two more innings?
Charlie: Even if I have to start throwing knuckle balls.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Kandi[to Alan]: I think we've reached an implants in our relationship.
Judith: Impasse!
Judith: Impasse!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan[to God after finding out that Kandi has set her father up on a date with Judith]: I watch one donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the rest of my life!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[to Mandi]: When Alan was eight, I convinced him he only had two weeks to live. But I suppose that tells you more about me than him.
Alan: Yeah, good times. But back to recent events--
Charlie: Ooh, ooh! Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with almond roca? He ate four of them. [Mandi laughs]
Alan: Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?
Alan: Yeah, good times. But back to recent events--
Charlie: Ooh, ooh! Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with almond roca? He ate four of them. [Mandi laughs]
Alan: Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.
Mandi: Andy?
Alan: I guess.
Charlie: Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andy, and Kandi?
Mandi: What's your point?
Charlie: No point. Mandi, Andy, Kandi. Dandy.
Mandi: Andy?
Alan: I guess.
Charlie: Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andy, and Kandi?
Mandi: What's your point?
Charlie: No point. Mandi, Andy, Kandi. Dandy.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Mandi: Hi, Alan. How are you?
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Forget it, Alan. I only do the après sex chat with people I've just had sex with.
Alan: Come on, she's [Kandi] playing Family Feud with her toes!
Charlie: I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples!
Alan: But I-- I need to communicate after lovemaking. I-- I need to share.
Charlie: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinkin' a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo!
Alan: Fine. [walks away from Charlie toward Berta] Hey, Berta, how's it going?
Berta: Back off, Zippy. If you want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first.
Alan: Come on, she's [Kandi] playing Family Feud with her toes!
Charlie: I don't care if she's playing banjo with her nipples!
Alan: But I-- I need to communicate after lovemaking. I-- I need to share.
Charlie: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started boinkin' a girl with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo!
Alan: Fine. [walks away from Charlie toward Berta] Hey, Berta, how's it going?
Berta: Back off, Zippy. If you want pillow talk, you gotta spoon me first.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men