Two and a Half Men Quotes
Judith: Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him [Jake].
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You like classic rock, right?
Jake: Right.
Charlie: OK, well, pick a band.
Jake: How about Queen?
Alan: Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.
Jake: Right.
Charlie: OK, well, pick a band.
Jake: How about Queen?
Alan: Oh, good. I was afraid he was gonna pick something gay.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[after Jake's off-key rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody"]: Kid's a double threat. Tone-deaf and arrogant.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan[while playing Scrabble with Francine]: Oh, boy. I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith[noticing Kandi's new diamond necklace]: Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave me a diamond necklace.
Alan: Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.
Alan: Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Let me give you an example. Jake's at a party. All the boys are on one side of the room, all the girls are on the other. What's he do?
Alan: Um...
Charlie: You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.
Alan: Define "chronic".
Alan: Um...
Charlie: You see? You see? Right there. That "Um..." is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.
Alan: Define "chronic".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years.
Jake: Well, what if I don't want to look like you?
Charlie: What's wrong with the way I look?
Jake: Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.
Jake: Well, what if I don't want to look like you?
Charlie: What's wrong with the way I look?
Jake: Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, and he's taking shots at me?!
Alan: You said it yourself: He has to find his own look.
Charlie: Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!
Alan: Come on, look at his point of view.
Charlie: What's his point of view?
Alan: Well, put overalls on you, and you do look kind of like the Big Boy. Stand like this for me: [poses like a Big Boy statue]
Alan: You said it yourself: He has to find his own look.
Charlie: Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard!
Alan: Come on, look at his point of view.
Charlie: What's his point of view?
Alan: Well, put overalls on you, and you do look kind of like the Big Boy. Stand like this for me: [poses like a Big Boy statue]
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Shelly[showing Alan her family photo album]: Now this picture here is toward the end of my labor. That's my vagina, and that's Melissa's little head pokin' out of me like a groundhog. Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
(Jake gets out of his chair on the deck)
Alan: Where are you going?
Jake: I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?
Alan: Where are you going?
Jake: I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.
Charlie: Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.
Charlie: Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, and I believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.
Charlie: I agree, childhood should be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.
Alan: Oh, really?
Charlie: Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue? They'll spend their teenage years-- well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.
Charlie: I agree, childhood should be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.
Alan: Oh, really?
Charlie: Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue? They'll spend their teenage years-- well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.
Charlie: It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.
Jake: Oh, I guess she called last weekend.
Charlie: You're telling me this now?!
Alan: Charlie, Charlie, calm down.
Charlie: How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!
Jake: She said some guy named Will has tickets.
Charlie[sighs]: Who's Will?
Jake: I don't know. She said he'd call.
Charlie: Will's gonna call?
Alan: You mean the tickets are at will call?
Jake: I don't know, maybe.
Charlie: Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!
Charlie: It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.
Jake: Oh, I guess she called last weekend.
Charlie: You're telling me this now?!
Alan: Charlie, Charlie, calm down.
Charlie: How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!
Jake: She said some guy named Will has tickets.
Charlie[sighs]: Who's Will?
Jake: I don't know. She said he'd call.
Charlie: Will's gonna call?
Alan: You mean the tickets are at will call?
Jake: I don't know, maybe.
Charlie: Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, Alan. [to Jake]: Matey.
Jake: I'm not a pirate.
Charlie: You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]
Jake: Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.
Jake: I'm not a pirate.
Charlie: You're not a gangsta, either. You're a dorky white kid with a Cub Scout bandana on his head. [takes it off]
Jake: Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Mia: Why don't I get changed and I'll stop by your house in a little while?
Charlie: Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Or there could be other women there.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Sure, I'll be up, 'cause you know, I'm a night person.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Of course, if you come too late, I could be drunk.
Mia: I remember.
Charlie: Or there could be other women there.
Mia: I remember.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: All right, then... how about a quickie for old times' sake?
Mia[giggles]: Please. Charlie, I think you're a terrific guy. You're smart, and handsome, and talented...
Charlie: All good arguments for the quickie.
Mia[giggles]: Please. Charlie, I think you're a terrific guy. You're smart, and handsome, and talented...
Charlie: All good arguments for the quickie.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: So, so why did Mia come to you [for sperm]?
Charlie: Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Alan: Which pretty much leaves you.
Charlie: Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Alan: Which pretty much leaves you.
Charlie: Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is in a sperm bank donor room]
Alan: Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.
Charlie: Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!
Alan: Well, I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I was married, I used to pretend that I was having sex with a-- a completely different woman.
Charlie: Oh, thanks. The image of you bumping uglies with your ex-wife should really move things along!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Did she [Rose] just use the front door?
Alan[staring in disbelief]: Uh-huh.
Charlie: She never used the front door before.
Alan[still staring in disbelief]: Uh-uh. What happened out there?
Charlie: Well, I, I, I told her I was going to marry Mia and I think I could actually see her medication stop working.
Alan: What do you think she's gonna do?
Charlie: The question isn't what, it's when, and how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass crack.
Alan[staring in disbelief]: Uh-huh.
Charlie: She never used the front door before.
Alan[still staring in disbelief]: Uh-uh. What happened out there?
Charlie: Well, I, I, I told her I was going to marry Mia and I think I could actually see her medication stop working.
Alan: What do you think she's gonna do?
Charlie: The question isn't what, it's when, and how I'm gonna enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles glued to my ass crack.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I just found my old wedding folder, and guess what was in it.
Charlie: The claim check for your manhood?
Alan: As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.
Charlie: And you wonder why people think you're gay?
Charlie: The claim check for your manhood?
Alan: As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.
Charlie: And you wonder why people think you're gay?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Mia: My dad called today; he wants to take your family out to dinner.
Charlie: Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!
Mia: Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.
Charlie: Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?
Mia: What's happier than a wedding?
Charlie: Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!
Charlie: Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!
Mia: Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.
Charlie: Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?
Mia: What's happier than a wedding?
Charlie: Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Well, looks who's here, the Bride of Drunkenstein.
Mia: Look. [Mia shows her engagement ring to Berta]
Berta: Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? Stumpy.
Mia: Look. [Mia shows her engagement ring to Berta]
Berta: Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? Stumpy.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: What are you looking at me for? Just stay out of her neighborhood!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.
Charlie: I can read, Mom.
Jake: Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.
Charlie: We can never go back, Jake.
Alan: Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.
Evelyn: Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.
Charlie: Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?
Evelyn: I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.
Charlie: Um, Mom...?
Evelyn: Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!
Kandi: I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.
Charlie: I can read, Mom.
Jake: Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.
Charlie: We can never go back, Jake.
Alan: Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.
Evelyn: Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.
Charlie: Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?
Evelyn: I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.
Charlie: Um, Mom...?
Evelyn: Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!
Kandi: I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is in bed with three women]
Alan: Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Charlie: Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.
Alan: An hour and a half?
Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.
Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Charlie: Better safe than sorry.
Alan: Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Charlie: Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.
Alan: An hour and a half?
Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.
Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Charlie: Better safe than sorry.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan is lying on his bed looking sad]
Alan: I just want to be alone.
Charlie: Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.
Alan: Just close the door on the way out.
Charlie: Fine I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.
Alan: I just want to be alone.
Charlie: Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.
Alan: Just close the door on the way out.
Charlie: Fine I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
[goes to the phone]
Berta: What are you gonna do?
Charlie: Something I hoped I'd never have to do.
Rose: You don't mean...
Charlie: I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?
[Cut to Alan lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up]
Alan: God, what plague have you set upon me now?
Evelyn: Alan? It's Mommy!
Alan: Good one.
[goes to the phone]
Berta: What are you gonna do?
Charlie: Something I hoped I'd never have to do.
Rose: You don't mean...
Charlie: I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?
[Cut to Alan lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up]
Alan: God, what plague have you set upon me now?
Evelyn: Alan? It's Mommy!
Alan: Good one.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
Charlie: No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
Alan: No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.
Charlie: No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
Alan: No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men