Two and a Half Men Quotes
Alan: [about Judith] What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!
Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up.
Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: I don't wanna go clothes shopping. I'm not the one that needs a new look, so why do I have to go?
Alan: Come on, Jake, get your jacket and let's go.
Jake: Fine, I'll get my stupid jacket, then we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go to the stupid mall and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.
Alan: Come on, Jake, get your jacket and let's go.
Jake: Fine, I'll get my stupid jacket, then we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go to the stupid mall and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Come on, Alan. If you change your look you might be able to land someone in the dating game. You know, like Judith is.
Alan: I don't need to land anyone in any game.
Charlie: Fine, I'm here if you need me.
Alan: I'm fine. So Jake, what's new?
Jake: My soccer coach sings a lot now.
Alan: Why?
Jake: No reason. But I think it's the same reason Mom sings all the time now.
Alan: Oh, all right.
Jake: I'm done. Can I go watch TV now?
Alan: Sure. [Jake goes off] ... Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason too!
Alan: I don't need to land anyone in any game.
Charlie: Fine, I'm here if you need me.
Alan: I'm fine. So Jake, what's new?
Jake: My soccer coach sings a lot now.
Alan: Why?
Jake: No reason. But I think it's the same reason Mom sings all the time now.
Alan: Oh, all right.
Jake: I'm done. Can I go watch TV now?
Alan: Sure. [Jake goes off] ... Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason too!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Berta?
Berta: No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.
Charlie: I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.
Berta: No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.
Charlie: I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jakes meets Prudence, Berta's 16-year-old grand-daughter]
Jake: Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.
Jake: Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Jake, come here, sit down.
Jake: Did I do something wrong?
Charlie: No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.
Jake: [sits down] OK.
Alan: Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.
Jake: Yeah.
Alan: Well you...
Charlie: You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.
Jake: Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.
Charlie: That too.
Jake: OK.
Judith: [Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?
Jake: Sure. [Walks out with Judith]
Judith: So how was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.
Jake: Did I do something wrong?
Charlie: No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.
Jake: [sits down] OK.
Alan: Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.
Jake: Yeah.
Alan: Well you...
Charlie: You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.
Jake: Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.
Charlie: That too.
Jake: OK.
Judith: [Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?
Jake: Sure. [Walks out with Judith]
Judith: So how was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?
Alan: Sure, why not.
Jake: OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
Charlie: That's a "rabbi", Jake.
Jake: Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Charlie: Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.
Alan: Sure, why not.
Jake: OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
Charlie: That's a "rabbi", Jake.
Jake: Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Charlie: Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [Who is trying to convince Alan to go on a double date with him even though he is sick] Please, please go with me. Look, she's great, her name is Dezeray.
Alan: I don't care what her name is!
Charlie: What do you mean? That's like desire but with yay in it!
Alan: I don't care what her name is!
Charlie: What do you mean? That's like desire but with yay in it!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?
Charlie: I don't know. I gave him a fifty.
Alan: That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!
Charlie: If you say so. I was never good at math.
Alan: Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.
Charlie: What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.
Charlie: I don't know. I gave him a fifty.
Alan: That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!
Charlie: If you say so. I was never good at math.
Alan: Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.
Charlie: What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[at the supermarket]
Charlie: I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie[opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
Charlie: I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie[opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Hey Charlie, what's miscellaneous cash expenses?
Charlie: You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies.
Alan: It's $40,000!
Charlie: Gambling losses, etcetera, etcetera
Charlie: You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies.
Alan: It's $40,000!
Charlie: Gambling losses, etcetera, etcetera
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: [Because Charlie is facing money problems] Don't worry Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week.
Charlie: Thank you Berta.
Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.
Charlie: Thank you Berta.
Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan and Charlie find Frankie beating up her psychiatrist's car with a baseball bat]
Charlie: You got a nice swing.
Frankie: Thanks!
Charlie: Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.
Frankie: You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]
Charlie: Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!
Charlie: You got a nice swing.
Frankie: Thanks!
Charlie: Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.
Frankie: You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]
Charlie: Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Frankie[to Alan]: Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.
Judith: Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".
Alan: Why do you assume it's his stuff?
Judith: What, is it yours?
Alan: No, but it's not his either!
Charlie: But it could be.
Alan: Says who?
Charlie: Says your ex-wife!
Judith: Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".
Alan: Why do you assume it's his stuff?
Judith: What, is it yours?
Alan: No, but it's not his either!
Charlie: But it could be.
Alan: Says who?
Charlie: Says your ex-wife!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Frankie and Alan kiss, and Alan starts crying]
Frankie: What's the matter?
Alan: I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!
[Alan goes to bed with Charlie]
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yes?
Charlie: It's been so long since anybody's touched me!
Frankie: What's the matter?
Alan: I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!
[Alan goes to bed with Charlie]
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yes?
Charlie: It's been so long since anybody's touched me!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Joni: Hi I'm Joni!
Jake: Hey, [To Alan and Charlie] I'm gonna go play in my room.
Joni: Can I come?
Jake: Whatever. [The two of them go off]
Charlie: If he can keep up the attitude for another 30 years he's gold.
Jake: Hey, [To Alan and Charlie] I'm gonna go play in my room.
Joni: Can I come?
Jake: Whatever. [The two of them go off]
Charlie: If he can keep up the attitude for another 30 years he's gold.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Who gets him [Jake] in that [worst-case] scenario thing?
Alan: Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.
Charlie: Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?
Alan: Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm your brother!
Alan: Charlie, it's--
Charlie: And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!
Alan: Coventry, Rhode Island.
Charlie: Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
Alan: I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?
Alan: Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.
Charlie: Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?
Alan: Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm your brother!
Alan: Charlie, it's--
Charlie: And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!
Alan: Coventry, Rhode Island.
Charlie: Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
Alan: I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
Charlie: Pull.
Charlie: Pull.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [Filling out Jake's hospital form] Last name: Harper. First Name: Jake...ob?
Jake: Yeah.
Charlie: Jacob. Middle name... Jake, what's your middle name?
Jake: Don't you know?
Charlie: Of course I know. I wanna see if you know.
Jake: David.
Charlie: Right, David. Do you have any allergies?
Jake: What? I dunno.
Charlie: Have you ever eaten something and then you weren't feeling well?
Jake: I dunno.
Charlie: [Filling out the form] Have you ever had the following? Measles?
Jake: Dunno.
Charlie: Asthma?
Jake: Dunno.
Charlie: Chicken pox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Charlie: Yeah.
Jake: Dunno.
Charlie: [Reading the form] Family History? Well your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.
Jake: Yeah.
Charlie: Jacob. Middle name... Jake, what's your middle name?
Jake: Don't you know?
Charlie: Of course I know. I wanna see if you know.
Jake: David.
Charlie: Right, David. Do you have any allergies?
Jake: What? I dunno.
Charlie: Have you ever eaten something and then you weren't feeling well?
Jake: I dunno.
Charlie: [Filling out the form] Have you ever had the following? Measles?
Jake: Dunno.
Charlie: Asthma?
Jake: Dunno.
Charlie: Chicken pox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Charlie: Yeah.
Jake: Dunno.
Charlie: [Reading the form] Family History? Well your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years, and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: What's this?
Charlie: A picture of Jill. Look at it, will you?
Alan: The woman who dumped you?
Charlie: She didn't dump me, will you get over that?!
Alan: All right, why are we looking at Jill?
Charlie: Just look at it!
Alan: All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Charlie: Welcome to The Matrix.
Alan: So-so-so Jill is-is-is--?
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: And-and-and you and-and Jill used to--?
Charlie: Every chance we got
Alan: Now mom is--?
Charlie: At this very moment.
Alan: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Charlie: A picture of Jill. Look at it, will you?
Alan: The woman who dumped you?
Charlie: She didn't dump me, will you get over that?!
Alan: All right, why are we looking at Jill?
Charlie: Just look at it!
Alan: All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Charlie: Welcome to The Matrix.
Alan: So-so-so Jill is-is-is--?
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: And-and-and you and-and Jill used to--?
Charlie: Every chance we got
Alan: Now mom is--?
Charlie: At this very moment.
Alan: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Well I'd better be going. [Sees a jacket that was thrown on the floor] I'll pick that up on Monday.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith: OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while you're having a good time with my sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]
Charlie: Beg pardon?
Judith: Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!
Charlie: Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.
Judith: Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.
Alan: You looked at my wife's chest?
Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy!
Charlie: Beg pardon?
Judith: Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!
Charlie: Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.
Judith: Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.
Alan: You looked at my wife's chest?
Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.
Alan: Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.
Alan: Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake is upbeat after several days of being sullen]
Alan: What happened to him?
Charlie: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.
Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
Alan: What did you say?
Berta: I said: "Drink this bottle of prune juice". You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.
Alan: What happened to him?
Charlie: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.
Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
Alan: What did you say?
Berta: I said: "Drink this bottle of prune juice". You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
Charlie: The one time you listen to me.
Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!
Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
Charlie: The one time you listen to me.
Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men