Two and a Half Men Quotes
Charlie: Alan, where'd the money come from?
Alan: I found it.
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: Mom.
Charlie: You traded your soul for a Porsch?
Alan: I didn't trade my soul, and it's Porsche.
Alan: I found it.
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: Mom.
Charlie: You traded your soul for a Porsch?
Alan: I didn't trade my soul, and it's Porsche.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Trudy[to Alan after drinking another restaurant customer's glass of wine]: Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.
Charlie: Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?
Evelyn: Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.
Charlie: Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.
Charlie: Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?
Evelyn: Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.
Charlie: Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake finds out he's spending the night with Evelyn]
Jake: Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?
Charlie: That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?
Jake: Sí.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?
Charlie: That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?
Jake: Sí.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?
Alan: Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."
Charlie: Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"
Alan: Nice, but I can top it.
Charlie: Go.
Alan: It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."
Charlie: We gotta go get Jake.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?
Alan: Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."
Charlie: Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"
Alan: Nice, but I can top it.
Charlie: Go.
Alan: It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."
Charlie: We gotta go get Jake.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [drunk] Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn't normally do. Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing at the biggest chick there.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[after Jake's time with Evelyn]
Charlie: Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: Chewed her up and spit her out.
Alan: It was a beautiful thing.
Charlie: I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.
Alan: Me, too.
Charlie: But clearly, he is the chosen one.
Jake: Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]
Alan: And they shall call him Jake.
Charlie: Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: Chewed her up and spit her out.
Alan: It was a beautiful thing.
Charlie: I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.
Alan: Me, too.
Charlie: But clearly, he is the chosen one.
Jake: Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]
Alan: And they shall call him Jake.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith: When I brought him [Jake] home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do.
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith: I'm warning you, Alan, things had better change around here or there will be serious consequences. Legal consequences! Got it?
Alan: Got it.
Judith: Good-bye. [leaves; Alan shuts the door]
Alan[mocking Judith]: "There will be serious consequences. Legal consequences."
Charlie[also mocking Judith]: "I don't care what you do during the week, but on the weekends, you're a role model."
Alan[same mocking voice]: I enjoy talking this way.
Charlie[same mocking voice]: As do I.
Alan: Got it.
Judith: Good-bye. [leaves; Alan shuts the door]
Alan[mocking Judith]: "There will be serious consequences. Legal consequences."
Charlie[also mocking Judith]: "I don't care what you do during the week, but on the weekends, you're a role model."
Alan[same mocking voice]: I enjoy talking this way.
Charlie[same mocking voice]: As do I.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie[to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie[to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan is lying on the couch after falling off the ladder]
Alan: Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
Charlie: How come?
Alan: Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?
Charlie: Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.
Alan: Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
Charlie: How come?
Alan: Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?
Charlie: Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie and Jake are at a restaurant where they are the only white customers]
Jake: This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
Charlie: No kidding.
Jake: Where are we, anyway?
Charlie: It's called Watts.
Jake: This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
Charlie: No kidding.
Jake: Where are we, anyway?
Charlie: It's called Watts.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Why do you say "freakin'"? I know what you mean. I'm not a little kid anymore.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[after Evelyn introduced the still-injured Alan to Mona]
Mona: What happened to you?
Alan: I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.
Mona: Well, why didn't you just call the guy?
Alan: You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy. BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL THE GUY! It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do, and yes, I know this idiot fell off the roof, but it was after I fixed it all by myself, NO GUY!
Mona: What happened to you?
Alan: I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.
Mona: Well, why didn't you just call the guy?
Alan: You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy. BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL THE GUY! It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do, and yes, I know this idiot fell off the roof, but it was after I fixed it all by myself, NO GUY!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So, uh, Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date sometime.
Jake: I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her!
Jake: I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[to Jake]: I get that you're growing up, that your body's changing, that your emotions are in flux, but the important thing you need to keep in mind is that... I don't care. When you're in my house, when you're out with me, and especially when we're around women, you will be adorable.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan shows Charlie the drawing that got Jake kicked out of school]
Alan: The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.
Charlie: For a silly drawing?
Alan: It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.
Charlie: Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.
Alan: You actually did that? That's horrible!
Charlie: No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.
Alan: Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.
Alan: The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath, and Jake could get expelled.
Charlie: For a silly drawing?
Alan: It's considered sexual harassment. The school has a zero-tolerance policy.
Charlie: Oh, for the good old days, when you could wander into a girls' locker room pretending you were blind.
Alan: You actually did that? That's horrible!
Charlie: No, the horrible part was stealing the dog from the blind kid.
Alan: Well, unfortunately, times have changed, and we no longer live in a Porky's movie.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I just have to accept the fact that I-- I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two.
Charlie: OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.
Charlie: OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[at Alan's chiropractic office]
Charlie: So this is where you come every day, huh?
Alan: Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?
Charlie: I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.
Alan: OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."
Charlie: So right off the bat, I lie?
Alan: I am a doctor, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.
Charlie: So this is where you come every day, huh?
Alan: Yep, for eleven years. What do you think?
Charlie: I would have killed myself ten and a half years ago.
Alan: OK, now all you have to do is sit here, and when the phone rings, pick it up and say, "Dr. Harper's office."
Charlie: So right off the bat, I lie?
Alan: I am a doctor, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic doughnuts.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.
Alan: In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.
Charlie: Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.
Alan: In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.
Charlie: Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.
Alan: Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.
Alan: Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?
Alan: Uh...
Evelyn: I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.
Alan: You had other options?
Evelyn: Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.
Charlie: And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.
Alan: Uh...
Evelyn: I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.
Alan: You had other options?
Evelyn: Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.
Charlie: And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: What if he [Jake] comes back? Maybe I should go.
Judith: Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.
Alan: Bed? Our old bed?
Judith: My new bed.
Alan: What was wrong with the old one?
Judith: Too many memories.
Alan: Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?
Judith: Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.
Alan: Bed? Our old bed?
Judith: My new bed.
Alan: What was wrong with the old one?
Judith: Too many memories.
Alan: Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: What are you doing?
Jake: Masticating.
Alan: What?
Jake: Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.
Alan: What do you think I think?
Jake[smiling]: You know...
Jake: Masticating.
Alan: What?
Jake: Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.
Alan: What do you think I think?
Jake[smiling]: You know...
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Do you mind if I take your room?
Alan: My room? Gee, I, I--
Berta: Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.
Alan: My room? Gee, I, I--
Berta: Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men