Two and a Half Men Quotes
[at the restaurant where Charlie is on his date with Chelsea]
Bobby: Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?
Charlie: Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room, and I need you to do something for me.
Bobby: Not a problem. I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley, I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out, and I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.
Bobby: Is everything all right, Mr. Harper?
Charlie: Yeah, terrific. Listen, my date's in the ladies' room, and I need you to do something for me.
Bobby: Not a problem. I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley, I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out, and I'll have a cab standing by to take the lady home along with the customary chocolate soufflé to go.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Chelsea: What the hell did I just swallow?
Charlie: A one-bedroom condo.
Chelsea: What?
Charlie: I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!
Chelsea: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!
Chelsea: That was a ring I just swallowed?!
Charlie: Hey, who drinks champagne like that?
Chelsea: I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!
Charlie: How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!
Chelsea: Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!
Charlie: A one-bedroom condo.
Chelsea: What?
Charlie: I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!
Chelsea: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!
Chelsea: That was a ring I just swallowed?!
Charlie: Hey, who drinks champagne like that?
Chelsea: I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!
Charlie: How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!
Chelsea: Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?
Berta: It's called a colander. What do you need it for?
Charlie: It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.
Berta: OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?
Berta: It's called a colander. What do you need it for?
Charlie: It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.
Berta: OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Chelsea: I think I'm coming down with a cold. [blows her nose]
Charlie: That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.
Charlie: That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[The Bridges of Madison Countyis playing on TV]
Charlie: This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie!
Alan: Yes, it is.
Charlie: Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie!
Alan: Well, tough. I like it.
Charlie: Sure, you do. You're a giant fruit basket.
Alan: I'll never apologize for my feminine side.
Charlie: This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie!
Alan: Yes, it is.
Charlie: Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie!
Alan: Well, tough. I like it.
Charlie: Sure, you do. You're a giant fruit basket.
Alan: I'll never apologize for my feminine side.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: So what's the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?
Charlie: I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.
Jake: Maybe she has an STD.
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means "sexually transmitted disease".
Charlie: I know what STD's are!
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them.
Jake: You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.
Jake: I don't understand.
Charlie: Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.
Jake: Okay. (walks to the utility room)
Charlie: (to Alan) You must be so proud.
Jake: (from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?
Alan: Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.
Charlie: I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.
Jake: Maybe she has an STD.
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means "sexually transmitted disease".
Charlie: I know what STD's are!
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them.
Jake: You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.
Jake: I don't understand.
Charlie: Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.
Jake: Okay. (walks to the utility room)
Charlie: (to Alan) You must be so proud.
Jake: (from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?
Alan: Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Should've known. The second you give 'em a ring, they fall out of warranty.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Chelsea leaves Charlie while Alan argues on the phone with Melissa]
Charlie: Oh, please don't leave!
Alan: Oh, please don't hang up!
Charlie and Alan: I love you!
Berta: And I love you, too.
Charlie: Oh, please don't leave!
Alan: Oh, please don't hang up!
Charlie and Alan: I love you!
Berta: And I love you, too.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan rings the doorbell at Judith's house while Herb and Judith are arguing]
Alan: Is this a bad time?
Herb: They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.
Judith: Don't you walk away from me!
Herb: Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!
Jake: Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.
Herb: Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!
[cut to Herb in the back seat of Alan's car]
Herb: I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
Alan: Is this a bad time?
Herb: They're all bad. Seven and a half months of bad.
Judith: Don't you walk away from me!
Herb: Well, I'm sorry, I was answering the door! That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell!
Jake: Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.
Herb: Bye, Jake. Wish I was going with you!
[cut to Herb in the back seat of Alan's car]
Herb: I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: See you later.
Charlie: Where you going?
Jake: Down to the pier with Celeste.
Herb: Who's Celeste?
Jake: My girlfriend. She lives next door.
Herb: She pretty?
Jake: She's gorgeous, and smart and popular.
Herb: No kidding.
Charlie: We don't get it either.
Alan: Maybe she's punishing her father.
Jake: Let's hope so!
Charlie: Where you going?
Jake: Down to the pier with Celeste.
Herb: Who's Celeste?
Jake: My girlfriend. She lives next door.
Herb: She pretty?
Jake: She's gorgeous, and smart and popular.
Herb: No kidding.
Charlie: We don't get it either.
Alan: Maybe she's punishing her father.
Jake: Let's hope so!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Ordering a pizza and going home. Two of the three things you want in a woman.
Alan: And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.
Charlie: I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.
Herb: Zing!
Alan: And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.
Charlie: I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.
Herb: Zing!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
(Jake goes to Jerome's to pick up Celeste for their date)
Jerome: Hey, Jake.
Jake: (intimidated) Hello, sir.
Jerome: (calling) Celeste! Jake's here! (to Jake) So how've you been?
Jake: (still intimidated) We're walking down to the pier, we're gonna play skee ball, we'll be back by 11.
Jerome: (leering over Jake) You're damn right you will.
Jerome: Hey, Jake.
Jake: (intimidated) Hello, sir.
Jerome: (calling) Celeste! Jake's here! (to Jake) So how've you been?
Jake: (still intimidated) We're walking down to the pier, we're gonna play skee ball, we'll be back by 11.
Jerome: (leering over Jake) You're damn right you will.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Gordon: [delivering pizza] Hey Mr. Harper.
Charlie: Oh, hey Gordon! It's been a long time.
Gordon: Yeah, two years.
Charlie: So what have you been up to?
Gordon: Well, I finished night school, got my business degree, met an amazing girl and got married, landed a great job as a stock brocker, the company went under, my wife left me and - uh - that'll be 28.50.
Charlie: Oh, man I'm sorry. You want a drink?
Gordon: Why stop now?
Charlie: Oh, hey Gordon! It's been a long time.
Gordon: Yeah, two years.
Charlie: So what have you been up to?
Gordon: Well, I finished night school, got my business degree, met an amazing girl and got married, landed a great job as a stock brocker, the company went under, my wife left me and - uh - that'll be 28.50.
Charlie: Oh, man I'm sorry. You want a drink?
Gordon: Why stop now?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Gordon: Where do you guys want me to put these [pizzas]?
Alan: Oh, uh, here, let me, uh, move the snickerdoodles.
Gordon: [sighs] Snickerdoodles.
Alan: You don't like them?
Gordon: No, no, I do. It's just that my wife used to call me her little snickerdoodle.
Charlie: You're kidding.
Gordon: Well, no, not all of me. It was her little nickname for my, uh... [awkward chuckle]
Jerome: Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.
Gordon: Oh, yeah? What did your wife call yours?
Jerome: Mr. Roundtree. [everyone stares]Richard Roundtree? The guy who played Shaft? [everyone murmurs in agreement]
Alan: That's way better than "snickerdoodle".
Herb: Judith calls mine "that thing".
Alan: As in, "Get that thing away from me"?
Herb: Yeah, how did you know?
Alan: Just a guess.
Alan: Oh, uh, here, let me, uh, move the snickerdoodles.
Gordon: [sighs] Snickerdoodles.
Alan: You don't like them?
Gordon: No, no, I do. It's just that my wife used to call me her little snickerdoodle.
Charlie: You're kidding.
Gordon: Well, no, not all of me. It was her little nickname for my, uh... [awkward chuckle]
Jerome: Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.
Gordon: Oh, yeah? What did your wife call yours?
Jerome: Mr. Roundtree. [everyone stares]Richard Roundtree? The guy who played Shaft? [everyone murmurs in agreement]
Alan: That's way better than "snickerdoodle".
Herb: Judith calls mine "that thing".
Alan: As in, "Get that thing away from me"?
Herb: Yeah, how did you know?
Alan: Just a guess.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Look, Charlie, if you're really going to marry this woman, I want to get started on the right foot. I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Alan's wife June.
Charlie: Judith.
Evelyn: Oh, whatever. Heinous woman. The fact remains, had I overlooked that and welcomed her into the family, she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length all during Jake's formative years and I'd have a better relationship with him today.
Charlie: Do you want a better relationship with him?
Evelyn: Not the way he is now! But if I'd gotten to him earlier, he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat.
Charlie: Judith.
Evelyn: Oh, whatever. Heinous woman. The fact remains, had I overlooked that and welcomed her into the family, she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length all during Jake's formative years and I'd have a better relationship with him today.
Charlie: Do you want a better relationship with him?
Evelyn: Not the way he is now! But if I'd gotten to him earlier, he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Chelsea: Believe me, when you meet my mom, you'll thank God for Evelyn.
Charlie: What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?
Charlie: What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: This is a Rolex! You sold me out for a watch!
Alan: Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a genuine Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters, and look, it winds itself. [repeatedly shakes his left hand]
Charlie: Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever.
Alan: Oh hey, good idea!
Alan: Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a genuine Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters, and look, it winds itself. [repeatedly shakes his left hand]
Charlie: Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever.
Alan: Oh hey, good idea!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Chelsea's mother: Now, be honest with me, Charlie. You're so dark and handsome, you've gotta have some dago in you, right?
Charlie: God, I love your mom.
Charlie: God, I love your mom.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: What'cha doin'?
Alan: Building an original 1978 Firebird. Got it on eBay.
Charlie: OK. Why?
Alan: I had this model when I was little, remember? I spent a month building it and painting it and putting on all the decals...
Charlie: Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?
Alan: No, that was my Munster Mobile. And my Ventriloquist dummy, and my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. My Firebird, you blowtorched with a cigarette lighter and Mom's Aqua-Net.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, the "Fire"-bird.
Alan: Building an original 1978 Firebird. Got it on eBay.
Charlie: OK. Why?
Alan: I had this model when I was little, remember? I spent a month building it and painting it and putting on all the decals...
Charlie: Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?
Alan: No, that was my Munster Mobile. And my Ventriloquist dummy, and my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. My Firebird, you blowtorched with a cigarette lighter and Mom's Aqua-Net.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, the "Fire"-bird.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[on their dinner date with Chelsea and Alan's blind date, who turns out to be Rose]
Bobby: And for you, sir?
Alan: Whiskey, neat.
Charlie: Since when do you drink hard liquor?
Alan: Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.
Bobby: Tru dat.
Bobby: And for you, sir?
Alan: Whiskey, neat.
Charlie: Since when do you drink hard liquor?
Alan: Since right now. I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.
Bobby: Tru dat.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So, once again, what are you up to?
Rose: OK, at first I was just doing a little light recon on Chelsea to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.
Charlie: You thought Chelsea might be...? Go on.
Rose: Well, good news, she's not. She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker, and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan, but Chelsea's clean as a whistle.
Charlie: Kleagle?
Rose: According to Wikipedia, it's below Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.
Rose: OK, at first I was just doing a little light recon on Chelsea to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.
Charlie: You thought Chelsea might be...? Go on.
Rose: Well, good news, she's not. She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker, and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan, but Chelsea's clean as a whistle.
Charlie: Kleagle?
Rose: According to Wikipedia, it's below Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: [After finding Alan in the shower with Rose and Alan comes out] Explain it to me Alan, help me understand.
Alan: Oh, you mean Rose?
Charlie: No, I mean the internal combustion engine...Yes I mean Rose!
Alan: Oh, you mean Rose?
Charlie: No, I mean the internal combustion engine...Yes I mean Rose!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Oh, come on, Chelsea! Is this about money? 'Cause I'd be happy to pay the lease on your apartment.
Chelsea: It's not about money, you ass! I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and not living together!
Charlie: Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned! I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin.
Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?
Charlie: No, no, no, it's not the "sin" I object to, it's the "living" in it.
Chelsea: It's not about money, you ass! I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and not living together!
Charlie: Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned! I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin.
Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?
Charlie: No, no, no, it's not the "sin" I object to, it's the "living" in it.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Chelsea: What do you want me to do, Charlie?! You want me to leave?!
Charlie: No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!
Chelsea: Charlie...
[Charlie slams the bathroom door and walks downstairs]
Charlie: Get a good earful?
Berta: No.
Jake: I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".
Charlie: No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!
Chelsea: Charlie...
[Charlie slams the bathroom door and walks downstairs]
Charlie: Get a good earful?
Berta: No.
Jake: I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Where's Uncle Charlie?
Chelsea: Said he had some sort of meeting.
Jake: That means poker or strip club. [everyone in the kitchen stares at him] I'm sure it's poker.
Chelsea: Said he had some sort of meeting.
Jake: That means poker or strip club. [everyone in the kitchen stares at him] I'm sure it's poker.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan is in the kitchen with his ventriloquist dummy]
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You're starting to scare the crap out of me.
Alan: Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?
Charlie: That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.
Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?
Charlie: With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]
Alan[as Danny]: Wow. He's got a stick where I've got your hand.
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: You're starting to scare the crap out of me.
Alan: Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?
Charlie: That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.
Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?
Charlie: With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]
Alan[as Danny]: Wow. He's got a stick where I've got your hand.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Chelsea and Charlie are on their way to the movies]
Chelsea: Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?
Charlie: No.
Chelsea: Why not?
Charlie: Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't wanna be in the car with him when he goes off!
Chelsea: Come on, he's breaking my heart. Staying home all alone on a Friday night.
Charlie: Don't worry. You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?
Chelsea: Yeah?
Charlie: Well, Alan's kinda the opposite. He's always lonely, but he's never alone.
Chelsea: He's going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.
Charlie: My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.
Chelsea: Please. For me?
Charlie: Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month. Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?
Chelsea: Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?
Charlie: No.
Chelsea: Why not?
Charlie: Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't wanna be in the car with him when he goes off!
Chelsea: Come on, he's breaking my heart. Staying home all alone on a Friday night.
Charlie: Don't worry. You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?
Chelsea: Yeah?
Charlie: Well, Alan's kinda the opposite. He's always lonely, but he's never alone.
Chelsea: He's going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.
Charlie: My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.
Chelsea: Please. For me?
Charlie: Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month. Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You know, just once I'd like to walk in this room [the kitchen] and not be freaked out.
Chelsea: Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.
Charlie: Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there. That's my favorite.
Chelsea: Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.
Charlie: Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there. That's my favorite.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Oh, Charlie. Your penis is no match for my technology.
[Charlie enters Alan's room]
Charlie: OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!
Alan: What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?
Charlie: You're text-blocking me.
Alan: Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.
Charlie: Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bloody and homeless.
[Charlie enters Alan's room]
Charlie: OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!
Alan: What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?
Charlie: You're text-blocking me.
Alan: Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.
Charlie: Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bloody and homeless.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men