The Simpsons Quotes
Marge: Homer, there's a bird on your head.
Homer: I know, Marge, he's grooming me.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Marge: Homer, we can't take his money.
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money. Why don't I just lay down and die.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.
Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Marge: How did this happen? How did the Simpsons become the bottom rung of society?
Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hoboes.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Marge: I can't even think of how many times your father has done something crazy.
Lisa: WAIT A MINUTE. [pulls out a timekeeper]
Lisa: Yup, 300 times.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Marge: I can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune cookies - they were so insulting. "You are a coward." Nobody wants to hear that after a nice meal.
Homer: Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Marge: It's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Bart are you wearing clean underwear?
Bart: Not anymore.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?
Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
Mr. Burns: I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
Doctor: Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
Mr. Burns: This sounds like bad news.
Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
Mr. Burns: Well... [looks at his watch]
Mr. Burns: [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
Doctor: Here's the door to your body, see? [bring up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
Doctor: And these are oversized novelty germs. [points to a different one up as he names each disease]
Doctor: That's influenza, that's bronchitis, [holds up one]
Doctor: and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once. [tries to cram a bunch through the model door. The "germs" get stuck]
Doctor: [Stooge-like] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Move it, chowderhead. [normal voice]
Doctor: We call it, "Three Stooges Syndrome".
Mr. Burns: So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible.
Doctor: Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could...
Mr. Burns: Indestructible.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Lou: Looks like another case of Monopoly related violence, chief.
Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Moe: All right, I guess I might as well come clean. I'm not real good with women, and I really wanted to do ya, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's possessed by the dead spirit of my best friend's father.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Moe: Bring us your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest.
Waiter: Very well, the lobster stuffed with tacos.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Moe: Well the only way I can recoup from this is... [takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]
Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?
Moe: Oh crap.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Professor Frink: Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyven," or the "maven," or was it the whole guh-HOYVEE... thing... that I do?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Professor Ludwig: Ms. Simpson, do you think there is something funny about the term tromboner?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Snake: [busts open a loaded cash register] Oh... Good-bye student loan payments.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Ed Begley, Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
TV Show: The Simpsons