The Simpsons Quotes
[Bart and Homer are about to race their horse]
Homer: Don't worry. I've seen enough of the "Horse Whisperer" to know how to win a race.
Homer: [whispers to horse] When you're on the race track, run really fast.
Homer: Don't worry. I've seen enough of the "Horse Whisperer" to know how to win a race.
Homer: [whispers to horse] When you're on the race track, run really fast.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants]
Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.
Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Bart and Milhouse are watching the original Itchy cartoon]
Milhouse: [reading] "Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Watch out, Itchy. He's Irish.
Milhouse: [reading] "Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Watch out, Itchy. He's Irish.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Bart is crank calling Moe's Tavern. Moe answers the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely. First initials, I. P.
Moe: Hey, everybody, I pee freely!
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely. First initials, I. P.
Moe: Hey, everybody, I pee freely!
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Bart is preparing a batch of appetizers for Skinner's party]
Lisa: What's with the dog food?
Bart: My theory is - Skinner likes dog food. [both leave, Homer walks in the room]
Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of American balls.
Lisa: What's with the dog food?
Bart: My theory is - Skinner likes dog food. [both leave, Homer walks in the room]
Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of American balls.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Bart isn't wearing underwear]
Bart Simpson: Free and easy, Lis. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for maximum comfort.
Lisa: What are you talking about?
Bart Simpson: Free and easy, Lis. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for maximum comfort.
Lisa: What are you talking about?
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Bill Clinton is playing the saxophone in a marching parade]
Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work.
Bill Clinton: Make me.
Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work.
Bill Clinton: Make me.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Buck's house is garnished with steakhouse paraphernalia]
Bart: Wow. It's like you're living in a steakhouse.
Buck McCoy: Why, thank you. Most people just mutter that.
Bart: Wow. It's like you're living in a steakhouse.
Buck McCoy: Why, thank you. Most people just mutter that.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Cheif Wiggum releases some attack dogs to look for Milhouse]
Kirk Van Houten: Will they just find him... or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: They'll find him, and, um... um...
Kirk Van Houten: Um, excuse me, you didn't answer my question. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I did, didn't I?
Kirk Van Houten: Will they just find him... or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: They'll find him, and, um... um...
Kirk Van Houten: Um, excuse me, you didn't answer my question. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I did, didn't I?
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Chief Wiggum is Polonius, Ralph Wiggum is Laertes. Bart, as Hamlet, has stabbed Polonius]
Ralph: Daddy's stomach is crying.
Ralph: Daddy's stomach is crying.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Comic Book Guy makes a very sarcastic comment]
Lisa: Is he serious?
Professor Frink: [looking at the screen of a beeping gadget] Are you kidding? My sarcasm detector is off the charts!
Comic Book Guy: [extremely sarcastic] Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention! [the sarcasm detector starts beeping frantically and then explodes from overload]
Lisa: Is he serious?
Professor Frink: [looking at the screen of a beeping gadget] Are you kidding? My sarcasm detector is off the charts!
Comic Book Guy: [extremely sarcastic] Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention! [the sarcasm detector starts beeping frantically and then explodes from overload]
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Discussing Science versus Religion]
Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Every inhabitant of Springfield has been turned into an animal]
Ralph: [feathers pop out of his back] I'm a dog.
Ralph: [feathers pop out of his back] I'm a dog.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[filing out medical forms]
Mr. Burns: Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way.
Mr. Burns: Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[first lines of an episode]
Kent Brockman: ...which, if true, means death for us all.
Kent Brockman: ...which, if true, means death for us all.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[forming a vigilante group]
Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.
Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Ginger wakes up next to Abe]
Ginger: Wha?
Abe Simpson: Good morning, honey.
Ginger: Who are you?
Abe Simpson: I'm your husband. We got married yesterday.
Ginger: But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we?
Abe Simpson: You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.
Ginger: Wha?
Abe Simpson: Good morning, honey.
Ginger: Who are you?
Abe Simpson: I'm your husband. We got married yesterday.
Ginger: But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we?
Abe Simpson: You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric car]
Gay Robots: One of us. One of us. One of us.
Gay Robots: One of us. One of us. One of us.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer and Marge have been called in to the school to talk to Principal Skinner]
Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.
Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer bursts into Congress, drunk]
Homer: You call this a bicameral legislature?
Homer: You call this a bicameral legislature?
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer dies after eating a piece of broccoli]
Homer: Saint Peter. Woo hoo. Got to heaven before you, Flanders. [wiggles his butt at Earth below]
Homer: Ha-ha-haha-ha.
Homer: Saint Peter. Woo hoo. Got to heaven before you, Flanders. [wiggles his butt at Earth below]
Homer: Ha-ha-haha-ha.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer donates 10000$ to PBS]
Marge: [to Lisa] From now on, one of us stays home all the time.
Lisa: Agreed.
Marge: [to Lisa] From now on, one of us stays home all the time.
Lisa: Agreed.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer has joined a crew of "lost souls"]
Woman: We wander the seven seas trying to forget.
Homer: Forget what?
Englishman: Oh, boy, here we go.
Woman: My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story.
Englishman: My story's better, it has tigers.
Woman: We wander the seven seas trying to forget.
Homer: Forget what?
Englishman: Oh, boy, here we go.
Woman: My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story.
Englishman: My story's better, it has tigers.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer has just been shot]
Lisa: You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for.
Homer: After pie.
Lisa: You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for.
Homer: After pie.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer has just performed the good deed he needs to get into heaven]
Homer: There, did you see that?
Saint Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.
Homer: I thought you guys were always watching.
Saint Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
Homer: There, did you see that?
Saint Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.
Homer: I thought you guys were always watching.
Saint Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer has to write his full name on an application form but he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for]
Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name?
Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
Homer: No. Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.
Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name?
Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
Homer: No. Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer holds up Lisa to attract a bull]
Homer: Here, Toro. Here's something to gore.
Lisa: DAAAAAAAAAD.
Homer: Not now, honey. Daddy's busy.
Homer: Here, Toro. Here's something to gore.
Lisa: DAAAAAAAAAD.
Homer: Not now, honey. Daddy's busy.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer is dressed up as a Teletubby, with a TV and a wire hanger attached to him]
Homer: Hey, Maggie. I'm Homey-Womey, the Teletubby. And, I'm all man, in case you've heard otherwise.
Homer: Hey, Maggie. I'm Homey-Womey, the Teletubby. And, I'm all man, in case you've heard otherwise.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer is drunk]
Homer: Have you ever seen that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs, well, they SUCK.
Homer: Have you ever seen that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs, well, they SUCK.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer is drunk]
Lisa: You saved us, dad. You did it.
Homer: I could do a lot more things if I had some money.
Lisa: Wha?...
Lisa: You saved us, dad. You did it.
Homer: I could do a lot more things if I had some money.
Lisa: Wha?...
TV Show: The Simpsons