The Simpsons Quotes
Gabriel: Homer, you're a bad man and your seed should be wiped from the earth... no offense, children.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Barney: [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped. [pauses]
Barney: Oh, there it goes.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Barney: [to Adam West] So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Barney: So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Barney: What do you mean I forgot my birthday? How could I forget- [chugs a beer glass]
Barney: - my own birthday?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Grampa: Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Groundskeeper Willie: I lost all me "screw you" money.
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, Willie.
Groundskeeper Willie: Screw you!
TV Show: The Simpsons
Groundskeeper Willie: If it was up to me, I'd let you go; but the Gods have a temper, and they've been drinking all day.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer Simpson: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin... but what good does *that* do me?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [after observing Barney's movie] Wow, I'll never drink another beer again.
Vendor: Beer here.
Homer: I'll take ten.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [Bart has offended Lisa, and he's surprised she's visibly angry at him after saying that nothing is wrong between them] Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [jumping on a bouncing castle] This must be what it's like in space.
Marge: You've been to space.
Homer: And yet, I've never been to me.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [kicks a Saleswoman out of the house] We don't need your high-priced safety junk! [Maggie falls from an upstairs window. The Saleswoman catches her, and gives her to Homer]
Homer: Oh, thank you.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [looking at a picture of refugees in a newspaper] Look at these refugees, Marge. Not even a smile.
Marge: They've undergone terrible hardships.
Homer: Well, moping won't help anything!
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [lying in a hammock, sings] You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up, you put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away. [the can hits Flanders on the head]
Ned Flanders: Homer.
Homer: [sings] You throw the can away. [Another can hits Ned]
Ned Flanders: I said, Homer.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [pulls compliance chip out of his head]
Homer: I did it! And without any brain damage-amage-amage-amage-amage...
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [reading a sign saying 'Gym'] A gime? [mispronouncing gym]
Homer: what's a gime?
Homer: [upon entering gym] Ooooh! A *Gime*
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [reading] "Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." [crumbles up paper]
Homer: Bastard. He's always one step ahead.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [rubs a Christmas tree and it catches on fire] Why does everything I love burn?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [runs into church] Sanctuary. Sanctuary.
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, why did I teach him that word?
TV Show: The Simpsons