The Simpsons Quotes
[Ned is asked to join in a game]
Ned Flanders: Sports on a Sunday? I don't kno...
Reverned Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned
Ned Flanders: Sports on a Sunday? I don't kno...
Reverned Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned
TV Show: The Simpsons
[on the phone]
Homer: But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore.
Mr. Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs. Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie...?Extra cheese?" Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici?
Homer: But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore.
Mr. Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs. Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie...?Extra cheese?" Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici?
TV Show: The Simpsons
[on TV, during an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon]
Quentin Tarantino: What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereal, man. [Itchy cuts off his head and him and Scratchy dance around it]
Quentin Tarantino: What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereal, man. [Itchy cuts off his head and him and Scratchy dance around it]
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Phone rings]
Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network.
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.
Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network.
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[responding to sign on Stoner's Pot Place]
Otto: That is flagrant false advertising.
Otto: That is flagrant false advertising.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary]
Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Seeing a naked Homer dangling from a balloon]
Spectator: Look at that blimp... And he's hanging from a balloon.
Spectator: Look at that blimp... And he's hanging from a balloon.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Sideshowbob is helping Homer, who has just been elected king of Mardi Gras, find his attempted killer]
Sideshow Bob: Homer it's a trap. You only won because someone filled the poll with these. [shows votes with all the same handwriting]
Homer: Nevertheless, the people have spoken.
Sideshow Bob: Homer it's a trap. You only won because someone filled the poll with these. [shows votes with all the same handwriting]
Homer: Nevertheless, the people have spoken.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[singing along with an R.E.M. song]
Homer: Leonardo what-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party Cheet-Os, pogo sticks and lemonade, idiotic stupid jerk, that's right Flanders, I am talking about you!
Homer: Leonardo what-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party Cheet-Os, pogo sticks and lemonade, idiotic stupid jerk, that's right Flanders, I am talking about you!
TV Show: The Simpsons
[the city of Springfield is having an illegal party in the ocean, about 300 yards from American territorial waters]
Bart: [on megaphone] What are you gonna do now, Coast Guard? Huh? You can't arrest us or do anything to us. Lousy Americans...
Coast Guard: [on megaphone] We can't hear you. Come 300 yards closer.
Bart: [on megaphone] What are you gonna do now, Coast Guard? Huh? You can't arrest us or do anything to us. Lousy Americans...
Coast Guard: [on megaphone] We can't hear you. Come 300 yards closer.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[the oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire]
Homer: Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.
Homer: Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[the Simpsons' drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out of it]
Homer: [in baby talk] Maggie. That's where you were, honey. You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is.
Homer: [in baby talk] Maggie. That's where you were, honey. You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[the Simpsons watch "Law and Order: Elevator Inspectors Unit"]
Elevator Inspector 1: Here's the problem, Inspector: the Floor 5 button doesn't light up.
Elevator Inspector 2: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Elevator Inspector 1: Here's the problem, Inspector: the Floor 5 button doesn't light up.
Elevator Inspector 2: I think I'm gonna be sick.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[the writers of MAD Magazine are in conference]
Writer: Why don't we call it "Everybody HATES Raymond"? [Everybody laughs]
Chairman: Well, we had to stay here all night, but it was worth it.
Writer: Why don't we call it "Everybody HATES Raymond"? [Everybody laughs]
Chairman: Well, we had to stay here all night, but it was worth it.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[while listening to a football game on a Walkman in church]
Homer: Please, please, please, please...
Sportscaster: Yes, it's good.
Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.
Homer: Please, please, please, please...
Sportscaster: Yes, it's good.
Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[while spying on Homer at the food festival]
Captain McCallister: Homer's undone the top button on his pants.
Akira: He's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving.
Captain McCallister: I'm surprised he doesn't just switch to sweat pants.
Akira: He says the crotch wears out too fast.
Captain McCallister: [shudders] That'll replace the whale in my nightmares!
Captain McCallister: Homer's undone the top button on his pants.
Akira: He's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving.
Captain McCallister: I'm surprised he doesn't just switch to sweat pants.
Akira: He says the crotch wears out too fast.
Captain McCallister: [shudders] That'll replace the whale in my nightmares!
TV Show: The Simpsons
Ron Howard: Is that... vodka... and wheat grass?
Homer: It's called a "lawnmower". I invented it. Want one?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Ray Patterson: Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but, it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye.
Moe: He's right. He ain't much on speeches.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Apu: Elton John.
Elton John: That's my name. Well, not really.
Apu: I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but... [plane flies just overhead them]
Elton John: That maniac nearly killed us.
Apu: Shall I "Take You to the Pilot?" You see, because that is your song.
Elton John: I hear you.
Apu: Yes, "Somebody Saved Your Life Tonight."
Elton John: Cut it out.
Apu: Oh, well, "The Bitch is Back."
TV Show: The Simpsons
Apu: Here at the Kwik-E-Mart we believe in America. Please do not beat me up anymore.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Apu: Mrs. Simpson, bathroom is not for customers. Please use the crack house across the street.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while
TV Show: The Simpsons
Chief Wiggum: [speaking on megaphone] Attention hippies. Come out peacefully so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson, where's the fire? [Homer points to the police station, which is on fire]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson. You just bought yourself a 417, pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 413? No, a 413 is a dog, and... um... you're in trouble, pal.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat.
Lou: She's good, chief.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Chief Wiggum: Well, boys, it looks like we solved the mystery of the missing ham.
Marge: You guys are the world's worst cops!
Chief Wiggum: No, now that I'm off-duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Chief Wiggum: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people?
Lou: Uh, second word, chief.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Chief Wiggum: Your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, um, Simpson. Let me just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
Homer: Fine. You don't have to humiliate me. [leaves, a man enters carrying a blowtorch]
Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again.
Chief Wiggum: Right. Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter.
TV Show: The Simpsons