The Simpsons Quotes

[Homer is in a car with hippies Seth and Munchie. Marge is walking down the street]
Homer: Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares.
Marge: Oh, Lord...
Homer: What's in your brand new bag, momma?
Marge: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?
Homer: [panicking] Marge, not in front of the hippies. [Seth and Munchie laugh]

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer is listening to Lisa playing her saxaphone while he's high on marijuana]
Bart: Hey, Dad, I thought you hated Lisa's sax.
Homer: I did, but now Daddy's new medicine... which you must never use. Because it will ruin your life... helps Daddy see the magical colors that you will never experience... EVER.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer is playing a machine that shoots animated sperm from its gun in the "Let's Make a Baby" section in the knowledgeum]
Homer: C'mon, ovulate, damn you. Ovulate.
Machine voice: You are out of sperm.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer is singing while flossing his teeth]
Homer Simpson: When you have a rib-eye steak, you must floss it. Oh, that meatloaf tasted great. You must floss it. Now, floss it. Floss it good.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer is talking to Carmen Electra. She knows where his eyes are]
Carmen Electra: Homer, my face is UP here.
Homer: I've made my choice.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer is taunting a shark]
Homer: Come on Sharky. Call yourself the king of the jungle?

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[Homer places Bart in front of a sexy billboard]
Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?
Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette.
Homer: That's good. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand?
Bart: Anything slim.
Homer: D'oh!

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer reads label on medicinal pot]
Homer: Caution, objects may apppear more edible than they actually are.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer thinks Gabriel is an angel]
Homer: Gabriel, this is a bar where they serve beer, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia.
Gabriel: Homer, I'm not an angel.
Homer: Well, not with that attitude.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer throws pudding at Lenny's face]
Lenny: Ow, my eye. I'm not supposed to get pudding in it.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer wearing a beer keg on his head]
Homer: Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland. [everyone in the bar starts laughing]

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk]
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the little league diamond and drive around the bases.
Carl: No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.
Homer Simpson: Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Homer's reading a book about corporate success]
Homer: Tip #1- "Live every day as if it was your last". Done and done. [cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying]
Homer: I don't want to die. I'm so young.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[In a Chinese Krusty factory]
Krusty the Clown: Laziness is counter-revolutionary.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[in front a "Best Teacher's Award" committee]
Bart: [in a video] This year, I'd like to nominate my teacher- Ms. Krabappel. Shy may not be glamorous or entertaining. She's just a normal teacher who's always there. And, she's never given up on me- Bart Simpson. [all committee members gasp in horror]
Committee member #1: Bart Simpson? I thought he was an urban legend.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[in gym]
Homer: Just think, two months ago I didn't know what dumb-bell meant.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[in Homer's dream]
Bart: He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun, but it was the perfect place to shoot him.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[In order to go to College, Lisa convinced two College girls that her house is an off-campus dorm]
College Girl #1: Hey, Lisa. Where've you been?
Lisa: In heaven.
College Girl #2: I love her. She's such a free spirit.
College Girl #1: She has to be, where she lives. That place had a Manson Family vibe...

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[in the Michael Crichton & Stephen King Bookstore]
Hans Moleman: Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?
Storekeeper: Get out.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Krusty does a Halloween show, reading off cue cards]
Krusty the Clown: Tonight I'm going to suck... [waits for second cue card]
Krusty the Clown: ...your blood.

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[Lisa is strangling Bart]
Homer: Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak. [begins strangling Bart]

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Lisa just wakes up after passing out]
Homer: Lisa? Lisa? Are you ok?
Lisa: Ok? I'm great. I'm ready for the gymnastics class, now. Ich bin ein gymnast.
Homer: Awww, she must've dreamt about Hitler, again.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Lisa offers Homer apples instead of buffalo meat]
Homer Simpson: Oh boy, buffalo testicles.

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[looking at a corporate logo with Lisa's face]
Moe: It makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke.

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[Marge gets her first unemployment check]
Marge: Three hundred dollars for doing nothing. I feel like such a crook.
George Bush: Don't worry, it gets easier every week.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Marge has written a book based on her and Homer]
Lisa: Dad will be upset when he reads that book.
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make a movie out of it?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they make a parody of it on Mad TV?
Bart: We're doomed!

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Marge made a disgusting breakfast]
Lisa: [whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this. [out loud]
Lisa: Say, Dad, [winks]
Lisa: would you like to see my project for the school science fair? [winks]
Homer: No, Lisa, [winks]
Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast. [winks]

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Moe is on a soap opera]
Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Moe turns his bar into a comedy club]
Marge: Four drink minimum?
Homer: I'll cover you, honey.

TV Show: The Simpsons
[Mr. Burns looks through a portfolio of his old stocks]
Mr. Burns: Hmm, let's see...?Confederated Slave holdings." How's that one holding up?
Lawyer: It's, uh, steady.

TV Show: The Simpsons