Squidbillies Quotes

Dan Halen: Another dead baby? Sue the parents!

Movie: Squidbillies
Dan Halen: I think what most impresses me, Earlie, is the effort and detail which you've clearly shown in urinating on my laptop.
Earlie Cuyler: I don't care to consort with those of the robot race.
Dan Halen: ...and why would you? I think that about covers it. Earlie, welcome to Dan Halen Sheetrock, International.

Movie: Squidbillies
Granny: When Jesus was president he ate babies all the time.

Movie: Squidbillies
Granny: Don't you dare hurt him!
Earlie Cuyler: Oh, and what's your saggy mouth gonna say about it?
Granny: Ablomandelebicus, Pentoculus, Benturpenoise, Farntormion, Crisco, Dophenecta, Glabbafontonion, Smectarufus, Fontanox, Chicken Dance, Trenoctor, Pontallafamarion, Tudonox, Mellicanisis! [the walls of the house open up and Earlie is struck by lightning]
Earlie Cuyler: You lucky *****! That's the one thing you could have said.

Movie: Squidbillies
Lil: Well, y'all need me, I'll be putting pictures of my ass on the internet.

Movie: Squidbillies
Sheriff: Howdy, y'all. Guess who I just apprehended in town. A dozen of my mama's gingerbread men shaped just like yours truly. Mmm-mmmm they're good!
Earlie Cuyler: Whup his ass.
Rusty: Uh, Look at that, boy.
Sheriff: Look at what?
Rusty: Uh, I don't know.
Earlie Cuyler: Look at this, right chere! [knocks the cookies out of the Sheriff's hands]
Sheriff: Damn... they would have to fall frosting down.
Rusty: Oh, Lord, I'm sorry, Sheriff. That was an accident.
Earlie Cuyler: Accident? Boy!
Rusty: I mean accident time on you. You fall on my fist, your face hurt! Accident to you, boy!
Earlie Cuyler: That's what I'm talkin' about. Hell, yeah! Come on now, turn it on son. Turn it on.
Rusty: Turn it on son. Turn it on!
Earlie Cuyler: No, no, no, It's already on. Okay, you got to tell him it's on!
Rusty: It is on... boy.
Earlie Cuyler: Follow with a simile. Come on.
Rusty: It's on like... uh
Earlie Cuyler: What's it on like? Preferably a rhyme.
Rusty: It's on like, like Michelle Kwan!
Earlie Cuyler: ...Oh, son.
Rusty: I'll do a tripe-axle lutz on your zambonied ice.
Sheriff: Rusty, It's on like Red Dawn or Charles Bron-son. Or hell, I'd even have accepted the movie "Tron". But Michelle Kwan? Please.
Rusty: She made sacrifices to get where she is!
Earlie Cuyler: Damn it! How many times have we watched Road

Movie: Squidbillies
Therapist: I'm not a therapist. I'm The Rapist.

TV Show: Squidbillies
Main article: Squidbillies (Season 1)

TV Show: Squidbillies
Therapist: Alright, look. I want you to take all those things that are eating away, weighing you down inside, and I want you to pull them all out... and scream them out at the top of your lungs. Sheriff?
Sheriff: Who, me?
Therapist: Yeah, just cut loose. I mean, just get it all off your chest. This is a safe haven for both of you gentlemen.
Sheriff: Okay. (Shuffles to edge of cliff) Well, you see... Early... well, he don't respect...
Early: Are you done? Everybody stand back, it's my turn.
Sheriff: No...
Early: Nyuh huh, I just called it. (Begins to nudge the Sheriff out of the way)
Sheriff: (Kicks Early away) Don't you push me! You always push me into positions I don't like! I'm the law! And you break the law and you still expect me to be your friend? How can I be who I am and still be in a relationship with you! It's always about you! You think you're the center of the universe and we all...
[Cut to several hours later, sunset]
Sheriff: ...moved the show to Friday, head-to-head with CSI? Come on! You've got to give a show time to find an audience...
[Cut to several hours later, night has fallen]
Sheriff: ...hell, you know he can act! He played Doogie Howser for seven seasons!
Therapist: (Claps) Excellent work gentlemen, excellent. (Looks at watch, begins to back away) Hey, ah, I think this is about as good as it gets, guys...
Sheriff: Naw! Naw! Without us they have no network...
[Cut to serveral hours later, sunrise]
Sheriff: ...often wondered if I even do have a pair! Yes, of testicles! (Grabs crotch) I've never seen them, no! And you dressed me in chiffon! Pretty, pretty chiffon! Well, guess what! I think I'm pregnant... again! Thanks a lot, mama! (Whips off shirt and throws it off the cliff) Whew, well, that felt pretty good.

TV Show: Squidbillies
Therapist: (Begins to back away) I, I really need to, um, sorta wrap this thing up.
Early: Wait a minute! Ain't I gonna get to yell nothin'?
Therapist: Well, (sighs) sure Early... go ahead.
Early: Whoo! Gimme back my bullets! Ooh, that smell! What the hell is that smell? (Holds up lighter) Whoo!
Therapist: Well, um... do you have any concerns of not really a Skynyrd-deep cut?
Early: Uh, yeah, something has been kinda gnawing at me. Stand back. (Yells off cliff) Show me them titties!
Sheriff: Are you talkin' to my mama?
Early: If she'll do it! Will she do it?

TV Show: Squidbillies
Granny: Don't you dare hurt him!
Early: Oh, and what's your saggy mouth gunna say about it?
Granny: Ablomandelebicus, Pentoculus, Benturpenoise, Farntormion, Crisco, Dophenecta, Glabbafontonion, Smectarufus, Fontanox, Chicken Dance, Trenoctor, Pontallafamarion, Tudonox, Mellicanisis!
[the walls of the house open up and Earlie is struck by lightning]
Early: You lucky bitch! That was the one thing you coulda said.
Granny: Yeah Okay.

TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: "I ain't goin' no where.....cept' hell. And I'm takin' you with me."

TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: Don't time fly when you're drunk as hell!

TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: Oh Lord who done made all creatures great and small in his own image: Did you make 'em fine-ass-soundin' speakers over there what would sound gooder than hell comin' out of the back of my truck-boat-truck? Well if you don't want me to jimmy-jack 'em sweet tweeters you best give me a sign...
(Early rips off a sticker reading "EARLY CUYLER / DO NOT TOUCH!")
Early: A new sign - I done seen that'n.

TV Show: Squidbillies
(Early awakens from a coma to the sound of a life support machine. He opens his eyes to see his son Rusty standing over him saying "Boop... boop... boop...")
Rusty: Y'all hear that? That's what it'd sound like if we had insurance.

TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: Yes granny - I seen the light. Like a DUI roadblock in the sky. But I pulled a U-ie and hauled ass through the woods! And now my life has purpose. Goodbye party liquor! Gunnery, you have a good'un! Masturbation... uh... let's just call it a hiatus. From now on, I am a bushhog on the front-end loader of the Lord!

TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: (In a strip club) Yes darlin', your chest is full and heaving. But what about the heart that lays beneath them puppies? Look here (pulls out a religious tract)... I want you to read this here literature.

TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: Nope! Pick it up with your butt cheeks!

TV Show: Squidbillies
Granny: Will you keep it down for cryin' out loud? I'm trying to watch my stories. (Stares at a butter churn which has replaced the TV) And I'm havin' a really hard time. Stories?
Early: Nuh-uh. I done give away the story box. From now on we gonna enjoy this classic butter churn. (Begins churning)
Granny: (Looks around) Oh where's the TV? 'Cause now I'm pissed.
Early: Come on now, everybody take a turn! Idle hands is the devil's ding-a-ling!

TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: I'll be here for 40 days and 40 nights if thats what it takes to keep these commandments on display! What's next, they're goin' to try to take it out of our schools? Bullmess! I am against it!
(Shows Early later in the same place)
Early: I'm against mens kissin mens, for any reason, but when womerns do it... [coughs]... That, uh, that seems alright. Uhh, any womerns here willing to make out with another woman...
(Shows Early even later while still in the same place)
Early: I'm against all digits below and above the number 9. They, they all blasphemous. Uhh, and Nitrogen, 'cause you know it was brought here in ships by space Jews! Hell yeah, you know the ones.

TV Show: Squidbillies
Sheriff: Looks like they found out your name wasn't Awesome Bill from Dawsomeville.
Early: Well yeah it is.
Sheriff: ... No. Early, it's not.
Early: Damnit to hell you know that too?

TV Show: Squidbillies
Sheriff: Well, here we are! Terminus, capital of the dirty south. Rising like a phoenix from the ashes of the civil war. Y'all recongnize this place here?
Rusty: Wait a minute, this the place where Kenny Rogers shot that scene with the kids of Six Pack, ain't it?
Sheriff: 1982! The coward of the county's own self stood right here!

TV Show: Squidbillies
Sheriff: Stone Mountain. World's most appropriately named mountain in the South East. And look carved there on the side, the four horseman of the confederacy. Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and Pacman!
Early: A rebel's hero. Come up to Gettysburg to kick some damn ass! If it weren't for Pacman, we might'a lost the damn war!

TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: (on Rudolph's head) Check this out--a bonafide 8-point. I'm gonna mount it on my toilet.
Santa: (tied to a chair) He was so rare.
Early: He's about to be medium-rare.

TV Show: Squidbillies
Santa: What could you possibly want from me?
Early: Oh, I think you know what I want, Santy Claus.
Santa: Cuyler, it's impossible...
Early: I only ever asked ya for one thing.
Santa: I just...I can't do it.
Early: (jumping onto Santa's beard) Damn it, I been a good boy! Now how many years I gotta wait? I want me the greatest gift of all!
Santa: I won't bring you the still-beating heart of Jeff Gordon! All right? I've said it!
Early: Well...Nicholas, I'm disappointed. We'll do it this way--Russell, get me my straight razor.
Santa: No, no, please, we don't have to go this way.
Early: Okay, okay, you right.
Santa: Thank you.
Early: I'm thinkin' the rusty fish scaler instead.

TV Show: Squidbillies
Head Elf: Dispatch the Silent Knights!

TV Show: Squidbillies
Elves: (disguised as carolers in a manger, singing)Fall on your knees...
(They pull out ninja weapons)
Elf: I said fall on your knees, you son-of-a-bitch!

TV Show: Squidbillies
Santa: What are you going to do to me?
Early: You ever see the movie Saw II?
Santa: Oh no, oh no, please, please...
Early: No? Me, neither.

TV Show: Squidbillies
Early: I done tell you once, you son-of-a-bitch, I'm the best that's ever been!
Santa: What?
Rusty: Fire in the mountain, run boys run!

TV Show: Squidbillies
Dan Halen: Science, you cheap whore.

TV Show: Squidbillies