SpongeBob SquarePants Quotes
SpongeBob: [crawling on his hands and feet on a driving course then notices a pebble] PEEEBBLLLE!! [the pebble gets stuck in SpongeBob's hand] YYYEEOOOOW! OOOOOW! [falls onto his butt but keeps accelerating forward, leaving a trail of fire behind him. He flies up a vertical section of road and into the air, continuing to scream out, "YEEOOW! OOOOW!", grasping onto the wrist of the hand with the pebble stuck in it. He falls back down and is caught by his driving instructor. His arm then snaps off, and his body drops the ground]
Sergeant Roderick: I'm ashamed of you, cadet. Tripped up by a wee pebble. [crushes the pebble between thumb and forefinger] What are you supposed to be learning in my class?
SpongeBob: Uh, how to drive, sir?
Sergeant Roderick: Yes, but first, you learn to crawl, then you learn to walk, then you learn to run! But before you learn to walk, you must learn to CRAWL! I WANT YOU TO CRAAAWL!!
SpongeBob: SIR, YES, SIR!!
Sergeant Roderick: I'm ashamed of you, cadet. Tripped up by a wee pebble. [crushes the pebble between thumb and forefinger] What are you supposed to be learning in my class?
SpongeBob: Uh, how to drive, sir?
Sergeant Roderick: Yes, but first, you learn to crawl, then you learn to walk, then you learn to run! But before you learn to walk, you must learn to CRAWL! I WANT YOU TO CRAAAWL!!
SpongeBob: SIR, YES, SIR!!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: [after he destroys every obstacle in the driving course] So, heh... how'd I do?
Sergeant Roderick: How'd you do...? [lifts up a broken fragment of a civilian obstacle SpongeBob destroyed] Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian HOW YOU DID?!
Sergeant Roderick: How'd you do...? [lifts up a broken fragment of a civilian obstacle SpongeBob destroyed] Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian HOW YOU DID?!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Mrs. Puff: I feel so serene now that I'm finally away from that homicidal maniac, SpongeBob.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: Step three...engage blindfold!
Sergeant Roderick: What?! You can't drive a boat with a blindfold! That's illegal!
SpongeBob: But...I can't do it without a blindfold--
Sergeant Roderick: DRIVE, BOY! DRIIIVE!
SpongeBob: [floors the gas pedal and crashes into a huge canister labeled, "GAS", obliterating the boating school facility in a mushroom-radius explosion. The boat flies into the air and lands on a main road]
Sergeant Roderick: MAYDAY! MAYDAY! YOU'RE OFF COURSE!
Sergeant Roderick: What?! You can't drive a boat with a blindfold! That's illegal!
SpongeBob: But...I can't do it without a blindfold--
Sergeant Roderick: DRIVE, BOY! DRIIIVE!
SpongeBob: [floors the gas pedal and crashes into a huge canister labeled, "GAS", obliterating the boating school facility in a mushroom-radius explosion. The boat flies into the air and lands on a main road]
Sergeant Roderick: MAYDAY! MAYDAY! YOU'RE OFF COURSE!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Sergeant Roderick: [grabs the shirt collar of Mr. Fitz] If I don't stop this thing, tell my wife I love her! [jumps onto the hood of the car, then into the air. He lands in front of the boat]
Sergeant Roderick: COME GET SOOOME!
[The boat plows into the instructor, knocking him away]
Sergeant Roderick: COME GET SOOOME!
[The boat plows into the instructor, knocking him away]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: Did I pass?
Mr. Fitz: Well, if there was a "destroy the city" part of the test, you would have.
Mr. Fitz: Well, if there was a "destroy the city" part of the test, you would have.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: Hey, Mrs. Puff. Sorry I'm "unteachable."
Mrs. Puff: It's okay... Mr. Fitz gave me my teaching certificate back...and your dossier was destroyed in the explosion... [trembling voice] so, it's as if you never failed!
Mrs. Puff: It's okay... Mr. Fitz gave me my teaching certificate back...and your dossier was destroyed in the explosion... [trembling voice] so, it's as if you never failed!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: [while the real SpongeBob is sobbing on the floor] All that glitters is not gold.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Plankton: [to wishing well] I have presented you with a monetary offering as custom dictates. My wish - nay, my command - is to be taller! Just a little. Just big enough so I can crush my enemies like the vermin they are!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: You're making me claustrophobic.
Patrick: What does claustrophobic mean?
SpongeBob: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.
Squidward: No it doesn't!
Patrick: HO HO HO!
SpongeBob: Stop it, Patrick! You're scaring him!
Patrick: HO HO HO!
Squidward: It's not working, Patrick.
Patrick: Darn it.
Spongebob: Uh, Squidward, you're stepping on my foot.
Squidward: Oh! Sorry, Spongebob.
Patrick: And you got your elbow in my ribs.
Squidward: [looks down and sees his elbow in a plate of ribs] Ew... Patrick!
Patrick: And stop stepping on my potato salad! [pushes Squidward]
Squidward: Stop pushing me, Patrick! [pushes him back]
Patrick: Oh, you mean like this? [pushes him]
Squidward: No, like this! [pushes him; the camera pans to SpongeBob as fighting sounds are heard]
SpongeBob: We shouldn't fight in here! This is a magical place...
[camera pans to outside the well]
Squidward: Patrick, get off of me!
[camera pans back to the bottom of the well, Patrick is sitting on Squidward]
Squidward: PATRICK! I told you I am claustrophobic!
Patrick: Nice try, Squidward, but there's no Santa Claus here!
Squidward: PATRICK!!
Patrick: What does claustrophobic mean?
SpongeBob: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.
Squidward: No it doesn't!
Patrick: HO HO HO!
SpongeBob: Stop it, Patrick! You're scaring him!
Patrick: HO HO HO!
Squidward: It's not working, Patrick.
Patrick: Darn it.
Spongebob: Uh, Squidward, you're stepping on my foot.
Squidward: Oh! Sorry, Spongebob.
Patrick: And you got your elbow in my ribs.
Squidward: [looks down and sees his elbow in a plate of ribs] Ew... Patrick!
Patrick: And stop stepping on my potato salad! [pushes Squidward]
Squidward: Stop pushing me, Patrick! [pushes him back]
Patrick: Oh, you mean like this? [pushes him]
Squidward: No, like this! [pushes him; the camera pans to SpongeBob as fighting sounds are heard]
SpongeBob: We shouldn't fight in here! This is a magical place...
[camera pans to outside the well]
Squidward: Patrick, get off of me!
[camera pans back to the bottom of the well, Patrick is sitting on Squidward]
Squidward: PATRICK! I told you I am claustrophobic!
Patrick: Nice try, Squidward, but there's no Santa Claus here!
Squidward: PATRICK!!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Mr. Krabs: [upon learning about wishing wells] Suckers throw money down a well for fun? That's the greatest scam ever!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Mr. Krabs: You'll never get me to believe in magic, NEVER! Just to prove it to you, I'll demonstrate! [takes out a penny and walks over to the well] I wish I was steamed, and served with a side of melted butter! [laughs as he tosses the penny in]
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, NOOOOOO!
Mr. Krabs: Well, where's your magic now? [disappears; the camera pans to a steamed crab on a plate] Ohhh, where am I? [a side of melted butter is placed next to the steamed crab] What's going on, here? [a man puts on an apron with a picure of a red crab silhouette that reads "THE END"] Uh-oh! [quickly and cautiously] I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! OOOH, NOOOOOO!
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, NOOOOOO!
Mr. Krabs: Well, where's your magic now? [disappears; the camera pans to a steamed crab on a plate] Ohhh, where am I? [a side of melted butter is placed next to the steamed crab] What's going on, here? [a man puts on an apron with a picure of a red crab silhouette that reads "THE END"] Uh-oh! [quickly and cautiously] I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! OOOH, NOOOOOO!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Patrick: [puts his finger in his head] Huh, I didn't even know I had an ear.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Patrick: [has just returned to his house after his work shift, only to find that SpongeBob is already under his rock, kneeling in the corner] Huh?
SpongeBob: Who do they think they are? I've given the best years of my life to this place and they think they can just fire me like that? Like TRASH? I don't think so...
Patrick: [concerned] SpongeBob?... Is that you?
SpongeBob: [turns to Patrick with a demented look on his face] I've been waiting for you, Patrick! [Patrick gasps as SpongeBob menacingly advances towards him]
Patrick: SpongeBob, you're scaring me! [screams][SpongeBob laughs maniacally as he continues towards Patrick]
SpongeBob: Who do they think they are? I've given the best years of my life to this place and they think they can just fire me like that? Like TRASH? I don't think so...
Patrick: [concerned] SpongeBob?... Is that you?
SpongeBob: [turns to Patrick with a demented look on his face] I've been waiting for you, Patrick! [Patrick gasps as SpongeBob menacingly advances towards him]
Patrick: SpongeBob, you're scaring me! [screams][SpongeBob laughs maniacally as he continues towards Patrick]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Announcer: Congratulations. You are the one millionth person to pass the test.
Patrick: Does this mean I win a free keychain?
Patrick: Does this mean I win a free keychain?
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: Now you can put this plate on your boatmobile.
Patrick: Oh, I threw it away. The needle was on E, so I guess that means "End."
Patrick: Oh, I threw it away. The needle was on E, so I guess that means "End."
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Mr. Krabs: [after making SpongeBob man the drive-thru] It's for those people on the open road, living their dreams.
SpongeBob: I used to have a dream.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually.
[Mr. Krabs scurries away as Patrick pulls up to the drive-thru and beeps his horn loudly]
Patrick: The horn still works!!
SpongeBob: I used to have a dream.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually.
[Mr. Krabs scurries away as Patrick pulls up to the drive-thru and beeps his horn loudly]
Patrick: The horn still works!!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: Has it ever crossed your mind that you might be getting overdone over nothing?
SpongeBob: Squidward, when have I ever been known to overreact?
[Numerous flashbacks]
SpongeBob: Squidward, we're out of napkins! [cries] Out of napkins!
[SpongeBob is shown banging on Sqidward's door]
SpongeBob: Squidward, I accidentally removed the do not remove under penalty of law tag on my mattress! Hide me! Hide me!
[The next flashback shows nothing but dark]
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward! I've gone blind! [Squidward turns the lights on] Oh. Thanks, Squidward!
[Flashbacks end]
Squidward: SpongeBob, you always overreact to everything! It's one of your many annoying traits.
SpongeBob: Me, annoying? [starts laughing annoyingly] Yeah, right.
SpongeBob: Squidward, when have I ever been known to overreact?
[Numerous flashbacks]
SpongeBob: Squidward, we're out of napkins! [cries] Out of napkins!
[SpongeBob is shown banging on Sqidward's door]
SpongeBob: Squidward, I accidentally removed the do not remove under penalty of law tag on my mattress! Hide me! Hide me!
[The next flashback shows nothing but dark]
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward! I've gone blind! [Squidward turns the lights on] Oh. Thanks, Squidward!
[Flashbacks end]
Squidward: SpongeBob, you always overreact to everything! It's one of your many annoying traits.
SpongeBob: Me, annoying? [starts laughing annoyingly] Yeah, right.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Patrick: I think I wrote a poem once... [flashback to a younger Patrick, whose voice is higher-pitched]
Young Patrick: [reading from a sheet of paper] A Poem, by Patrick Star. Roses are blue, violets are red. I have to go to the bathroom. [eats the paper and burps]
Gym Teacher: How many times I gotta tell ya, this...is...gym class![blows a whistle, and several dodgeballs are thrown at Patrick]
Young Patrick: [reading from a sheet of paper] A Poem, by Patrick Star. Roses are blue, violets are red. I have to go to the bathroom. [eats the paper and burps]
Gym Teacher: How many times I gotta tell ya, this...is...gym class![blows a whistle, and several dodgeballs are thrown at Patrick]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: What's that horrible smell?! [sees steam coming out of SpongeBob's window] Is Patrick thinking again?
Patrick: [sticking his head out of the window] I'm making art!
Squidward: Patrick, it smells like something crawled into your brain and died!
Patrick: That's the creative process at work!
Patrick: [sticking his head out of the window] I'm making art!
Squidward: Patrick, it smells like something crawled into your brain and died!
Patrick: That's the creative process at work!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
A band member: This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up!
Another band member: Oh yeah? [he takes the script and, upon reading it, his eyeballs shrivel up and turn to dust]
Director: I don't care how awful his poem is, he spent his hundred bucks already!
Band leader: C'mon guys, we're gonna do this if it kills us. A-one, and a-two, and a--
[Cuts to a graveyard: the band members apparently died after recording the song]
An eulogizer: [to Patrick] They wanted you to have this. [hands a record to Patrick]
Patrick: My song!
Another band member: Oh yeah? [he takes the script and, upon reading it, his eyeballs shrivel up and turn to dust]
Director: I don't care how awful his poem is, he spent his hundred bucks already!
Band leader: C'mon guys, we're gonna do this if it kills us. A-one, and a-two, and a--
[Cuts to a graveyard: the band members apparently died after recording the song]
An eulogizer: [to Patrick] They wanted you to have this. [hands a record to Patrick]
Patrick: My song!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
"I Wrote This" Lyrics:
Twinkle Twinkle Patrick Star
I made myself a sandwich
My mommy named it Fred
It tastes like beans and bacon
And smells like it's been dead
Writing stuff is hard
So I used a pointy pencil
Pointy, pointy, pointy
Pointy, pointy, point
P.U., what's that horrible smell?
Patrick: Drum solo! [drum solo]
I have a head
It ends in a point
Pointy, pointy, pointy
Pointy, pointy, point
This song is over
Except for this line
You win this round
Broccoli!
Twinkle Twinkle Patrick Star
I made myself a sandwich
My mommy named it Fred
It tastes like beans and bacon
And smells like it's been dead
Writing stuff is hard
So I used a pointy pencil
Pointy, pointy, pointy
Pointy, pointy, point
P.U., what's that horrible smell?
Patrick: Drum solo! [drum solo]
I have a head
It ends in a point
Pointy, pointy, pointy
Pointy, pointy, point
This song is over
Except for this line
You win this round
Broccoli!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
[SpongeBob and Patrick are crying because they miss Sandy]
SpongeBob: Why did she have to go to the science convention and TAY-HAUS [mispronounciation of "Texas"]?
Patrick: TAY-HAUS!
SpongeBob: She won't be back for one more hour, 26 minutes, and 47 seconds! [they start squirting tears at each other]
Patrick: I miss Sandy so much! Her tentacles, the way she plays clarinet, her massive nose...
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, that's Squidward. He's not gone; he's right here! [camera pans to Squidward planting a flower in the ground]
Squidward: No I'm not. [walks away]
SpongeBob: I sure do miss that squirrel! Her karate chopping, that 10-gallon glass dome over her dome, and who can forget those buck teeth? After Sandy gets back, we're gonna let her know how much we miss her!
Patrick: Is Sandy the one I call "mom"?
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, that's your mother. But that does give me an idea! We'll throw Sandy the mother of all welcome-home parties! Patrick, to the tree dome!
Patrick: WHOHAIE!
SpongeBob: Why did she have to go to the science convention and TAY-HAUS [mispronounciation of "Texas"]?
Patrick: TAY-HAUS!
SpongeBob: She won't be back for one more hour, 26 minutes, and 47 seconds! [they start squirting tears at each other]
Patrick: I miss Sandy so much! Her tentacles, the way she plays clarinet, her massive nose...
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, that's Squidward. He's not gone; he's right here! [camera pans to Squidward planting a flower in the ground]
Squidward: No I'm not. [walks away]
SpongeBob: I sure do miss that squirrel! Her karate chopping, that 10-gallon glass dome over her dome, and who can forget those buck teeth? After Sandy gets back, we're gonna let her know how much we miss her!
Patrick: Is Sandy the one I call "mom"?
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, that's your mother. But that does give me an idea! We'll throw Sandy the mother of all welcome-home parties! Patrick, to the tree dome!
Patrick: WHOHAIE!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob: [singing] Welcome, home Sandy, you know that, we missed ya—
Bus Driver: NO!! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING!
Sandy: Sorry, SpongeBob, he's got a fierce no-singing policy!
SpongeBob: That's quite all right, Ms. Cheeks, as long as you don't have a fierce no-partying policy!
Bus Driver: NO!! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING!
Sandy: Sorry, SpongeBob, he's got a fierce no-singing policy!
SpongeBob: That's quite all right, Ms. Cheeks, as long as you don't have a fierce no-partying policy!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Patrick: [the flea bites him and makes marks on his stomach] Ahahahaha! Connect the Dots. [draws lines connecting the bite marks on his stomach] I drawed a horsey! OUCH!! Why does this flea keep biting me?
Sandy: When a flea bites you, it's because he's sucking up your blood for nutrition.
Patrick: I have been bitten by a vampire flea! NO!! I'm gonna turn into a vampire now! It's already happening! [starts going berserk]
Sandy: When a flea bites you, it's because he's sucking up your blood for nutrition.
Patrick: I have been bitten by a vampire flea! NO!! I'm gonna turn into a vampire now! It's already happening! [starts going berserk]
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: I'm going to go recover from hypothermia.
Spongebob: Hippo-whatia? What does that mean?
Mr. Krabs: It means he's a big fat crybaby.
Spongebob: Hippo-whatia? What does that mean?
Mr. Krabs: It means he's a big fat crybaby.
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: It's freezing in here! How cold does Krabs keep this place anyway? [looks at the thermostat which reads 62 degrees, much to his disgust] 62 DEGREES!? [with confidence] I'm gonna set to a toasty 63. [turns the thermostat dial slightly clockwise; an siren goes off and a red light flashes]
Mr. Krabs: [bursts through the door to his office]WHOOOOO TOUCHED ME THERMOSTAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!?[everyone points to Squidward]
Squidward: [to Spongebob] Oh, thanks a-- [Mr. Krabs grabs him in the jugular]
Spongebob: You're welcome, Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you're always going on about your book club. READ THIS!! [points to a poster above the thermostat that reads "DO NOT TOUCH THERMOSTAT EVER!
Squidward: Do not touch thermostat ever. [Mr. Krabs sets it back]
Mr. Krabs: HEAT COSTS MONEY!! There's two ways to get on me bad side, boys. I don't like kids playing in me yard, and nobody but me, touches me thermostat!
Squidward: That's totally selfish!
Spongebob: Yeah! Your yard is really fun! There are kids playing in it right now.
Mr. Krabs: WHAT?!?!?!?!
Mr. Krabs: [bursts through the door to his office]WHOOOOO TOUCHED ME THERMOSTAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!?[everyone points to Squidward]
Squidward: [to Spongebob] Oh, thanks a-- [Mr. Krabs grabs him in the jugular]
Spongebob: You're welcome, Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you're always going on about your book club. READ THIS!! [points to a poster above the thermostat that reads "DO NOT TOUCH THERMOSTAT EVER!
Squidward: Do not touch thermostat ever. [Mr. Krabs sets it back]
Mr. Krabs: HEAT COSTS MONEY!! There's two ways to get on me bad side, boys. I don't like kids playing in me yard, and nobody but me, touches me thermostat!
Squidward: That's totally selfish!
Spongebob: Yeah! Your yard is really fun! There are kids playing in it right now.
Mr. Krabs: WHAT?!?!?!?!
TV Show: SpongeBob SquarePants