South Park Quotes
Movie Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast, and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an eight year old boy, and he's about to find out that being eight ain't so great. Rob Schneider is, Kenny! Rated PG-13.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: [during the school talent show] And now, performing select readings from the movie Scarface, Eric Cartman!
Eric Cartman: [imitating Tony Montana] What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy."
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: [in reference to the Declaration of Independence] And who wrote that document? Hmm... let's see... I know, let's ask the new kid, Timmy.
Timmy: Timmy!
Mr. Garrison: No Timmy, it wasn't you.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: [now Mrs. Garrison] I'm pregnant! Woo hoo, now I can have an abortion!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: [returning from the bathroom] I must have caught the flu from Kenny. I've got the green apple splatters.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishna's are totally gay.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Hey, I'm pregnant everybody! Now I can go down to the clinic and have an abortion!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: It's been brought to my attention that fourth graders might be too old for Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Two year olds are too old for Mr. Hat.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Slave, did you finish taking attendance?
Mr. Slave: All done-sy wun-sy.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Now we can sell all their homes and become millionaires.
Jimbo: But then you had us do all that for nothing. Don't you see, if you get rich selling these homes then there will still be rich people in South Park.
Randy Marsh: Yeah, you'd become what you hate.
Mr. Garrison: Well yeah, but at least I got rid of all those damn ni... [credits roll]
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Stan, are you paying attention?
Stan: Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Well then, Stanley, what did I just say?
Stan: [pause] Um, you said that even though Charo appeared 12 times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.
Mr. Garrison: Well, okay, I suppose you were paying attention.
Kyle: [whispers] Good guess dude.
Stan: [whispers] Phew.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Well spank my ass and call me "Charlie", it looks like we have two A's.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: What do you think, Mr. Marsh? You ready to put a down payment on that baby?
Randy Marsh: Well yeah, but I just had one question about how it works. Well, it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexi-grips are also found on the side of the vehicle.
Mr. Garrison: Yep.
Randy Marsh: So, they don't really do anything.
Mr. Garrison: Right.
Randy Marsh: So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?
Mr. Garrison: [pause] ... Well, I guess you could.
Customers: Huh? What's that? What'd he say?
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Why won't anyone pound Mr Slave's butt?
Randy Marsh: Um, we don't pound butt, Mr Garrison, we're straight.
Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!
TV Show: South Park
Ned: Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
Jimbo: Hell, everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way.
TV Show: South Park
Newscaster Ned: If irony was made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
TV Show: South Park
Officer Barbrady: Hey, aren't you boys supposed to be in school?
Stan: It's Saturday.
Officer Barbrady: No excuses. Move along.
TV Show: South Park
Randy Marsh: [getting put in a car by the cops after fighting at Stan's Baseball Game] [shouts]
Randy Marsh: I thought this was America!
TV Show: South Park
Randy Marsh: [making a diagram of global warming damage] Everyone below this line needs to be evacuated. Everyone above this line is already dead. We're stuck here in the middle. These states might be okay, they're balmy. New York is gonna have huge tidal waves that affect this whole area. [someone giggles]
Randy Marsh: What? [looks at the board and realized his diagram looks like a penis]
Randy Marsh: Oh, godammit! Godammit! [erases it]
TV Show: South Park
Randy Marsh: Stan, time to get up for school. Stan? What the... [Sees Michael Jefferson a.k.a Michael Jackson, in bed with Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Blanket]
Randy Marsh: Mr. Jefferson!
Michael Jackson: Oh, uh, we were just having a slumber party.
Randy Marsh: Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate.
Michael Jackson: Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I didn't have a childhood so I'm really just a child myself. Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have $100.
Randy Marsh: Wow. I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting.
TV Show: South Park
Santa Claus: [after gunning down an Iraqi henchman] I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls.
TV Show: South Park
Satan: Saddam. But... I killed you.
Saddam Hussein: Well where was I supposed to go, Detroit?
TV Show: South Park
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Let's give Blackie a welcome home. [Mr. Jefferson turns around to reveal his face]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Whoa, wait a m... That guy isn't black! Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus! [Over CB]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: This is Yates, stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black! [to Harris]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: You son of a bitch, you told me this guy was African American!
Det. Harris: It says right here on the filo sheet he is.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Does that look like a black guy to you?
Det. Harris: It says so on the filo sheet.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Jesus Christ monkey balls! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black. [Vomits]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Jesus, Harris, what have we become? We're supposed to protect the people. Where have we lost our way?
Det. Harris: Sir, it's possible he is black, even though he doesn't look it.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: To hell with you! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again unless I know he's black for sure!
TV Show: South Park
Stan Marsh: This is hopeless. We're just going to have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [Cartman walks in with a beard while Kenny is carving a squash with a huge butcher knife and Stan and Kyle are watching Kenny] Oh, God, he's got that stupid beard on again!
Cartman: [sits next to Kenny] No, Kenny, point the blade the other way otherwise you might cut yourself. There you go... Isn't this fun you guys, carvin' pumpkins on Halloween?
Cartman: [singing] You guys are my best friends / Through thick and thin / We've always been together / We're four of a kind / Havin' fun all day / Palin' around and laughin' away / We're best friends / Best friends are weeee!
Cartman: [Kenny, Stan, and Kyle are all staring at Cartman] I love you, guys.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [with a sigh, calmly] Oh, my God, we killed Kenny.
Kyle: [shouts] We killed Kenny?
Stan: Yup. We're bastards.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Dude, we don't have any musical talent.
Cartman: That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!
TV Show: South Park