The L Word Quotes

Alice: [to Shane after finding out that her mom, Lenore, kissed Shane] Hey, sorry you got Lenored!

TV Show: The L Word
Bette: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.
Dana: Well, she sends me food.
Bette: Mmmhmmm.
Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.
Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?
Dana: No, she just sends them.
Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you.
Dana: No.
Shane: [seriously] Ask her out.
Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.
Dana: Exactly.
Alice: [rolling her eyes] Please don't encourage her.
Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.
Alice: [gasping] You mean?
Bette: I mean.
Dana: [laughing but obviously clueless] What?
Bette: [smiling] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

TV Show: The L Word
Carol Twentyman: Listen to me, Dale. What are you doing? Will you just look at me, please?
Dale Twentyman: It's too late, Carol. There's nothing left.
Carol Twentyman: How can you say that? Dale, I love you. We fit together.
Dale Twentyman: Right, well, I'll try to remember that when I'm thinking about your mouth wrapped around Frank's cock.

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Carmen de la Pica Morales: [snickering, to Shane] Big butch: go unload the truck.
Moira: [tosses bag at Shane]
Shane: [almost falls over catching the bag]

TV Show: The L Word
Unkown Protester: You don't need chains to tie people up; it's a wireless world.

TV Show: The L Word
Bette: [holding a specimen cup of sperm] God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.

TV Show: The L Word
Dr. Wilson: All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.
[Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina]
Bette: [laughs] She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here?
Tina: I think it would help.

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Dana: When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.
Alice: Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.
Dana: [to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

TV Show: The L Word
Marina: Well, between the four of us, we'll come up with someone. What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome...
Tina: Artistic.
[Shane enters the cafe]
Dana: There's always Shane.

TV Show: The L Word
[as Jenny walks by The Planet for the first time, Dana ogles her. Everyone stares at Dana]
Dana: What?
Alice: You are *so* gay.
Tina: [rolling eyes] *So* gay.
[Dana slumps a little, tossing up a hand]
Dana: I know. I know.

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[Bette enters The Planet and sees Dana]
Bette: Is that Dana Fairbanks? Hanging out at The Planet in West Hollywood?
Alice: Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a *gay lady*.
Dana: [gives Alice a hostile look] Funny.

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Bette: Have you ever noticed that every time Shane walks into a room someone leaves crying?

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[re Marina and Jenny's uncanny immediate connection]
Alice: Huh? Whatever, I'm just... gonna leave you two alone to get married!

TV Show: The L Word
Shane: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.
Dana: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.
Shane: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.
Alice: Oh, my God, it's Yoda.
Dana: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.
Bette: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

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Instructor: Now everyone. Drop your heads. Close your eyes and set your intentions. Why are you here? To gossip with your friends? Or to change your body? What do you want to get out of the next forty minutes?
[the students start peddling harder]
Dana: [to Tina, re: Instructor] A good look at your spectacular tits would be nice.

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[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]
Dana: I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?
Tina: It has to do with her attitude.
Dana: I've got attitude!
Marina: It's because she's so witholding.
Tina: No, it's because she's so confident.
Dana: No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.
Alice: [firmly] Dana, she's your friend.
Tina: It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.
Dana: What do you mean it's because of her nipples?
Tina: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.
Alice: Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!
Tina: Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.
Alice: I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

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[Marina is buying groceries where Jenny works]
Marina: [to Jenny] Come on, I want to see you check me out.

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Alice: Ooh, ooh, ooh. Now she's cute. And I haven't seen her before, is it possible?
Shane: Fresh meat.
Alice: New blood.
Dana: Cris-pay!
[Alice shakes her head at Dana]
Alice: Uh-uh.

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Bette: Well.. Maybe she's a different kind of lesbian.
Shane: Yeah. The straight one.

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Dana: [looking at paper with names] It's a whole crazy tiny little world.
Alice: [smoking] Crazy yes, but not tiny.

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Bette: Can I get a sippy cup? Does anybody have a sippy cup!?

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Max: I don't expect Carmen to forgive Shane anytime soon, but I do. So should you. I mean, I forgive you.
Jenny: What? What the fuck do you forgive me for? I haven't changed who I am, Max.

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Max: I just don't know why we can't work it out.
Jenny: Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.

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Waiter: Refill?
Helena: [Wistfully] No, I don't think I can afford it.
Alice: Helena, it's free.

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Helena: [Tearing up] I had no idea it could feel this warm and fuzzy being poor.

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Jenny: There's Gabby Deveaux.
Helena: Whoa, that's a lot of hookups.
Alice: Yeah, she's a whore.

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Alice: [reading OurChart IM] "Tonight 10pm I'll be there, will you?" Sure you will, Papi.
Tina: You call your computer "Papi?"
Alice: Oh No, it's this girl on OurChart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been?
[Tina laughs]
Alice: Ohhh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of heteroville. That's right.
Tina: [sarcastically] Yes, it's so scary.
Alice: Oooh, scary.
Tina: I think I remember you lurking around there a couple years ago.
Alice: Yes, but I did come to my senses. That's the difference between you and me.

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Shane: Helena hates me, doesn't she?
Alice: No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?
Shane: Really? Well then, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?
Alice: You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?
Shane: What?

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Jenny: And do you know what "Merkin" means, Jolene? Vagina wig. That's what her name means.

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Helena: I will pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects.

TV Show: The L Word