South Park Quotes
Phillip: [Terrance and Phillip are in Halloween costumes, and Terrance farts] That fart was absolutely GHOULISH Terrance.
TV Show: South Park
Pip: Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitation.
Eric Cartman: Hmm, what could I have done with Pip's invitation? Pip's invitation... Pip's invitation... Oh, I remember. I shoved it up my ass. That's right. I wrote it up, put in an envelope, sealed it, and [bloop]
Eric Cartman: shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance of you coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip ol' chap.
TV Show: South Park
Priest Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
Kyle: I guess not.
TV Show: South Park
Chef: [singing] Say everybody have you seen my balls/They're big and salty and brown./If you ever need a quick pick-me-up./Just put my balls in your mouth./Ooh, suck on my chocolate salty balls (Stick 'em in your mouth)/Put 'em in your mouth and you suck 'em and you suck 'em.
TV Show: South Park
Chef: Hello there, children!
Stan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick in my butt!
Chef: ...G'bye!
TV Show: South Park
Chef: How long until we get to Washington?
Mrs Crabtree: Sit down kid!
Chef: I just want to know how far it is to Washington?
Mrs Crabtree: I SAID SIT DOWN KID!
Chef: I just want to know how far it is to Washington you fat hog.
Mrs Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Chef: I said I wish I could go to Prague.
Mrs Crabtree: So do I.
TV Show: South Park
Chef: James Taylor, what the hell are you doing singing about prostitutes to these children? Get outta here!
TV Show: South Park
Chef: Try my newest concoction, I Just Went And Fuged Your Mama.
Cartman: Boy, he sure ran that into the ground.
TV Show: South Park
Chef: Wife got you down? Boss makin' you angry? Kids yellin' at you? Well, fudge 'em.
TV Show: South Park
Chef: You've got to hold the football like you would hold your lover. Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh, yes. Just like making sweet love to the football. Be naughty with the football. Mmmm, spank it. Ever so gently. Spank it. Oh, uh, sorry, children.
TV Show: South Park
Ozzy Osbourne: [Ozzy Osbourne is describing how he became famous] Many years ago, I was the lead man in a struggling band. Chef told me to wear funny hats. I thought he said "bite the head off a bat." And the rest is history!
TV Show: South Park
Eric Cartman: I'm not fat, I just haven't grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.
Mr. Garrison: Eric. If you call Wendy a bitch one more time I'm sending you to the principal's office. [beat]
Eric Cartman: Bitch.
Mr. Garrison: That's it Eric, you...
Eric Cartman: I'm going.
TV Show: South Park
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [Cartman] Movie idea #2,305: Adam Sandler is trapped on a deserted island and falls in love with a coconut.
Producer: Great. Great, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. Uh, guys, take a break. I need a minute alone with A.W.E.S.O.M.-O.
Executive: Okay.
Producer: You are an incredible robot, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. I was just wondering, are you by chance a *pleasure* model?
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: What?
Producer: Have you been programmed to satisfy urges of humans?
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: A.W.E.S.O.M.-O does not understand.
Producer: Let me show you what I mean.
Butters: [on the phone] Yeah, we're having a great time, Aunt Nellie. The movie studio guys are real nice.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Lame! [bursts out of the board room, followed by a pants-less Producer]
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Not cool! Totall lame!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: ...my mom lied to me just like your parents lied to you and now where poor like Kenny's family [Kenny walks over to comfort Cartman]
Cartman: Don't touch me Kenny.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [as the Tooth Fairy] Do not open your eyes until morning. Or else I will kick you in the nuts!
Butters: Yes, ma'am!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [chatting with an older man] "I'm eight and a half inches." Whoa, this guy's tiny. He must be a dwarf. [types]
Cartman: "I don't want to be friends with a midget. Midgets piss me off." Frowny-face.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [referring to the Mr. Hankey motion picture] Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this? Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: All right, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but i think maybe we're not seeing heaven is because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of bubblegum forrest. you only see them if you really believe it them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe where not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O? [pause]
Kyle: What does me being a jew have to do with anything?
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Don't worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny's family's on welfare and they're happy, isn't that right, Kenny?
Kenny: [muffled] Fuck you.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now!
Butters: Uh oh. [He slowly backs away from Cartman in fear]
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big-boned.
Stan: No, Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You are a big fat ass.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas Day and I'm in Canada.
Kyle: Yeah, but I got my brother back.
Cartman: Yeah, you got your brother back but I didn't get any presents. And what did I tell you, Kyle? I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whoop your ass, didn't I? Now you're gonna get it, motherfucker. That's it, you and me. Right now. We're having it out. Come on. Come on. [Kyle slaps Cartman]
Cartman: WAAAAAAAH. WAAAAAAAAH. MOOOOOOM. MOOOOOOM.
TV Show: South Park