South Park Quotes

Stan: Yeah, whatever, you fat bitch.
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said, I have a bad itch.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh.

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby!
Kyle: Kick the baby.
[kicks Ike across the street, knocking over a row of mailboxes]

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said, "Rabbits eats lettuce".
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I would NEVER let a woman kick my ass! If she tried anything, I'd be like "Hey! Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie"!!!
(the trio stare at Cartman in stunned silence)
Stan: Cartman, what are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up Stan. Let's go look for the visitors, now.
Stan: But her note said she'd be here.
[Wendy appears out of nowhere]
Wendy: Hi, Stan. [Stan sees Wendy then throws up] Eww!
Kyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
Wendy: But why Stan?
[Stan tries to hold on, but he vomits instead]
Wendy: Eww!

TV Show: South Park
[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]
Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: [speaking to aliens] V-visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad, dramatice music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to sure would make my life brighter again. [turns back to aliens]
Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle: Did it work?
Stan: No. They're leaving.
Kyle: Hey, you scrawny ass shit! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Kyle: You know what you fuckers like?! You like to [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep] and [beep]!
Stan: Hey Wendy, what's a [long bleep]?

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.
Wendy: Whatever, dude.
Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up.
Wendy: Cool!
[She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and romantic music plays. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]
[Stan vomits Wendy right to her face]
Wendy: Eww!
Stan: Sorry.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof. Beefcake! Beefcake!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.
Cartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
Kyle: You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!
Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!
Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street, people go "Goddamn it, that's a big fat ass!"
Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!
Man: Goddamn, that's a big fat ass!
Cartman: Hey!!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Kyle: Dolphins don't live in igloos! That's Eskimos!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise!

TV Show: South Park
Stan: That's impossible! Cartman wouldn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!
Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!

TV Show: South Park
Jimbo: Okay, each of you young'uns take a gun, a beer, and some smokes.
Cartman: Hey! I didn't get a gun! [Jimbo gives a rifle to Cartman] Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam.
Stan: You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman!
Ned: Were you stationed in Da Nang?
Stan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned, you can't believe anything he says.
Cartman: Hey! I'll blow your friggin' head off!
Jimbo: Hey, look out, son, that's dangerous! You're gonna spill your beer!

TV Show: South Park
Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.
Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

TV Show: South Park
Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Jimbo: No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger!
Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!

TV Show: South Park
Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr Garrison, if you would, please?

TV Show: South Park
Instructor: Hard bringers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress - and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried - but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane - duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]
Barbrady: Okay, any questions?
Chef: That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!
Barbrady: That's enough outta you!

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

TV Show: South Park
[During football practice, with Stan as quarterback and Chef coaching]
Stan: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut -

TV Show: South Park
Jimbo: Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.
Ned: Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]
Jimbo: Hello, Enrique.
Ned: What are we doing here?
Jimbo: Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", boom![Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously] Goddamn, I love football.

TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Crabtree: Wait! What's that thing?! [referring to the elephant]
Kyle: Oh, this is the new retarded kid.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like "Hey, get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.
Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
Kenny: oblivious to Cartman's statement
Cartman: I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?!?!
Kenny: oblivious
Cartman: exasperated Kenny! Your family's poor, Kenny! Your family's poor!
Cartman: I don't like Kenny anymore, h-he just doesn't communicate.

TV Show: South Park
Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually--
Mayor: Well I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Go back to Endor, you stupid Wookiee!
Kyle: Wookiees don't live on Endor.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [daydreaming while watching a video, imagining himself to be Adolf Hitler] You gotta respect my authora-tah!

TV Show: South Park