South Park Quotes

Stan and Kyle: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

TV Show: South Park
Butters: Fellas! Hey fellas! I got it! I got my semen sample!
Cartman: You did?
Butters: Yeah. I was up there poundin' my wiener for two days straight, and finally, I thought about Stan's mom's boobs, and this little tiny spooge of... this white stuff came out.
Kyle: That's great, Butters, but we're not playing Detective anymore. We're playing Laundromat owners.
Cartman: Would you like those pants cleaned for four ninety five?

TV Show: South Park
Chef's Father: [at Chef's rehearsal dinner] Could I have everyone's attention, please? [crowd quiets]
Chef's Father: Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady. [sniffles]
Chef's Father: I'm very happy for them both. [begins to choke back tears]
Chef's Father: Ooh, there I go - I told myself I wasn't gonna cry.
Chef: It's okay, pop.
Chef's Mother: Thomas, you're gonna get me going now. [begins to tear up]
Chef's Father: I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man, he came runnin' into me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he says to me, "Poppa, poppa." I said, "What do you need, Chef, my boy?" He said, "I need about tree-fitty."
Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty!
Chef's Father: Well, it was about that time I begin to get suspicious. I said, "Chef, my boy, why do you need tree-fitty?" He said, "My imaginary friend Boo-Boo the dinosaur wants it." So I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was that damn Loch Ness Monster!
Chef's Mother: Lord, it was scary!
Chef's Father: I said, "Dammit, monster, you quit bugging my children, now. We work for our money in this house - we don't just give money away!"

TV Show: South Park
News Reporter: Fighting the Frizzies at 11: 00.

TV Show: South Park
Newsreader: An economic crisis has hit South Park and the nation like never before. Another South Park bank has closed down, leaving thousands of people in debt.
Mr Garrison: It's just crazy, you know? Everyone's affected by it. It's like all the money just vanished.
Stephen Stotch: It's really terrifying. We-we've got no money to pay our mortgage now. We could very easily lose our house!
Butters: Hi grandma! Redneck #1: First the money started going, and now everyone's getting laid off work! They took our jobs! Redneck #2: They took our jobs! Redneck #3: D' took'r jeeeeerbs! Redneck #4: Took'r durbs! Redneck #5: Took'r dur'b!
Newsreader: Just how far will the economy fail? We asked economic reporter, Dan Banks, for his assessment. [Dan pulls out a gun and shoots himself, followed by a loud thump as he falls]
Newsreader: [pause] We'll have the rest of Dan's interview tonight at ten.

TV Show: South Park
Richard Stamos: [singing] Loving you is easy when you're beautiful. Do, do, do, do, do... [Off key]
Richard Stamos: Ah! [Off key]
Richard Stamos: Ah!
Jimbo: What the hell? He didn't hit the high F.
Gabriel: Richard Stamos can't hit the high F. He always screws it up like this. [Jeering!]
Gabriel: It's obvious where all of the talent in that family went.
Jimbo: Ned we are in big trouble.

TV Show: South Park
[Stan performing as a psychic]
Stan: Ok, listen to me. Listen *very* carefully. This is a *trick* that I am doing. Ok? Watch. All I'm going to do is say a name that I'm gonna pick at random, ok? [pause]
Stan: They want me to acknowledge... Pete or Peter.
Woman: Yes. Yes, my Peter. [Woman cries and audiance applauds]
Stan: No. Stop clapping. All I did was pick a name at random and wait for somebody in the audiance to give a response. Now that I see a that there is a lone woman in the audiance *crying*, my instinct tells me Peter was her husband. So I say, "Peter was your husband?"
Woman: Yes, yes, yes. My husband, Peter. [Audience applauds]
Man: You knew Peter was dead.
Stan: I didn't start by saying Peter is dead, I start by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter." That could have meant that Peter was in the audience or that Peter was somebody's friend or that Peter had died I couldn't be wrong. See? Now, I can look at this woman and can see that she is fairly young so odds are that her husband was fairly young when he died. So I can say something like, "I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely."
Woman: [sobbing] Yes, it was. [Audiance applauds]
Man: Amazing.
Woman: Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
Stan: ...Ok... lets back up. [Audiance takes a step back]

TV Show: South Park
News broadcaster: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, "Me Stan, bachump, ba-chewy-chump, ba-chewy-chump." Back to you in the studio.

TV Show: South Park
Randy: How does it feel to be 102, Grampa?
Grampa: Kill me!

TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.
Cartman: That's a load of crap. Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted suicide?
Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a sixty-foot pole.
Stan: [hangs up] God damn it!
Jesus: I heard that!

TV Show: South Park
Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.

TV Show: South Park
Protester: Look, it's the president of the network!
President: Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is John Horsoff. I have prepared a speech on behalf of the network. Fuck you!
President: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.

TV Show: South Park
Enya-style music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky! Come and fly, take a ride--
Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!
Grampa: Now you know what's it's like to be old!

TV Show: South Park
[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog]
Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
Coroner #2: I don't know, it just--it just makes everything taste so English.

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?
Stan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, Mr. Cartman.
Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool. [he laughs along with Kyle]
Kyle: Sissy.
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all pissed off!

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her "Shelley, you're my sister and I love you."
Kenny(muffled): And I want to see you handling your breasts.
Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!

TV Show: South Park
[Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]
Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.
[The pig is heard squealing loudly]
Stan: Ahh, suck!
Cartman: Fluffy!
Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.

TV Show: South Park
Stan?: Dude!
Kyle?: What?
Stan?: Don't put the magic hat on the snowman.
Kyle?: Why?
Stan?: 'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to life.
Kyle?: Cool!
Stan?: No, it's not cool! My sister, in-in Minnesota, put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!
Kyle?: Fuck him, let's do it anyway!

TV Show: South Park
Kyle?: Oh my God! Frosty killed Kenny!
Stan?: Dude, I told you not to put that fuckin' hat on Frosty's fuckin' head, now, didn't I!
Kyle?: Well I'm sorry, Mr. Rocket-fucking-scientist! What are we supposed to do now?!

TV Show: South Park
Kyle?: [after running from Frosty disguised as Santa Claus] Uh, you know something, I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.
Stan?: Oh, no shit, Sherlock! You know, thanks to you, there's not going to be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Yeah, Hanukkah sucks.
Kyle: Don't you oppress me, fat boy!
Cartman: Don't call me fat, buttfucker!
Kyle: Then don't belittle my people, you fuckin' fat ass!
Cartman: Goddammit, don't call me fat, you buttfucking son of a bitch!

TV Show: South Park
Jesus: Behold my glory.
Stan: Holy shit, it's Jesus!
Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
Jesus: I come seeking retribution.
Stan: [gasps] He's come to kill you 'cause you're Jewish, Kyle!
Kyle: Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus! Don't kill me!
Jesus: Nay, fear not. I love all my children.
Kyle: Whew.
Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday, yet all is not right.
Stan: Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude!
Jesus: I must find a place called the mall.
Kyle: Well, we can take you to the mall, Jesus.
Stan: Yeah! It's over this way!
Cartman: Goddammit, you stepped on my foot, you pig-fucker!
Stan: Dude! Don't say pig-fucker in front of Jesus!
Cartman: Ah, fuck you.

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Here we are Jesus, South Park mall. Who are you looking for?
Jesus: Him!
Santa: Ho ho ho ho! We meet again Jesus!
Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time Kringle!
Santa: I bring happiness to children all over the world!
Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
Santa: Christmas is for giving!
Jesus: I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy!
Santa: This time we finish it! There can be only one!
Stan: Dude this is pretty fucked up right here.

TV Show: South Park
Jesus: Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.
Santa: No, boys, help me. So that I can put an end to him.
Jesus: God is watching you boys. You know who to help.
Santa: Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?
Jesus: I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.
Stan: I don't know what to do, dude! Who should we help?
Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus.
Kyle: Aw, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Cartman: Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew!
Kyle: You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street, people go, "Goddammit, that is a big fat fuck!"

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: We actually met, we actually spoke with, the Brian Boitano!

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Yeah, and you know, I think learned something today. It doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or atheist or Hindu. Christmas, still, is about one very important thing--
Cartman: Yeah, ham.
Stan: No, not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Fuck you!
Stan: Christmas is about something much more important.
Kyle: What?
Stan: Presents.
Kyle: Ah.
Stan: Don't you see, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: Presents.
Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish, you get presents for eight days!
Stan: Wow, really?! Count me in!
Cartman: Yeah, I'll be a Jew too!

TV Show: South Park
Chef: [gets out of his car] Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef!
Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef: Well, today, it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green-bean casserole or Vegetable Medley.
Cartman: Kick ass.

TV Show: South Park