Scrubs Quotes
J.D.: I'm doing this thing where I take a slice of someone else's wisdom and use it in my own life.
Jordan: Seems coincidental.
J.D.: And yet I do it almost every week.
Jordan: Seems coincidental.
J.D.: And yet I do it almost every week.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [watching the Janitor and Ted argue] Those two should have their own sitcom. [fantasises about the sitcom's opening sequence]
Ted: I'm a lawyer!
Janitor: I'm a janitor!
Both: Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians! [jingle] Get it?
J.D.: [to Sam]I'd watch that show; would you?
Ted: I'm a lawyer!
Janitor: I'm a janitor!
Both: Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians! [jingle] Get it?
J.D.: [to Sam]I'd watch that show; would you?
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: [as the Knight]My name is Percival Cox. You're killing my friend. Prepare to die.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: [narrating] And the princess and the idiot decided that their kiss didn't mean anything. [JD as The Village Idiot and Elliot as The Princess shake hands] Because in the end... they were both idiots.
TV Show: Scrubs
Denise: You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with "can", because at this stage there's nothing we can do about it.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Maddox: Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one in case I get really sad...
Dr. Maddox: [uncomfortable] Well... see you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see...
Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one in case I get really sad...
Dr. Maddox: [uncomfortable] Well... see you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see...
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Maddox: Hi, I'm trying to keep non-medical personnel from coming back in here. I'm the chief of medicine.
Jordan: I'm the chief of slag-smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.
Dr. Maddox: That's clever.
Jordan: That's funny, being clever's not how I got the job; smacking slags is.
Jordan: I'm the chief of slag-smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.
Dr. Maddox: That's clever.
Jordan: That's funny, being clever's not how I got the job; smacking slags is.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [To Denise] I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some.
Denise: Yo, Mr. Harris! Sucks you'll never walk again.
Mr. Harris: Hell yeah, it does!
Denise: Better, right?
J.D.: No, no, Jo. He... he lost his feet.
Denise: Yo, Mr. Harris! Sucks you'll never walk again.
Mr. Harris: Hell yeah, it does!
Denise: Better, right?
J.D.: No, no, Jo. He... he lost his feet.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: It's like all of a sudden this hospital is a police state!
Elliot: The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!
J.D.: They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
Elliot: Really? Then why does Johann always let me...
J.D.: Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.
Elliot: Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.
Elliot: The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!
J.D.: They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
Elliot: Really? Then why does Johann always let me...
J.D.: Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.
Elliot: Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.
TV Show: Scrubs
Katie: You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.
Carla: Don't bother with the sob story. I've heard it all before.
Katie: Really? Because my dad died when I was six. To cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me—I had to do it all myself.
Carla: [in a sympathetic tone] Oh, Katie...
Katie: [choking up] I know.
Carla: [suddenly harsh] Heard it! Me? Dead mom. J.D? Dead? dad. Elliot? Emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox? Emotionally and physically abusive dead parents that he might have killed, no one's quite sure.
Carla: Don't bother with the sob story. I've heard it all before.
Katie: Really? Because my dad died when I was six. To cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me—I had to do it all myself.
Carla: [in a sympathetic tone] Oh, Katie...
Katie: [choking up] I know.
Carla: [suddenly harsh] Heard it! Me? Dead mom. J.D? Dead? dad. Elliot? Emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox? Emotionally and physically abusive dead parents that he might have killed, no one's quite sure.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [voiceover] Finally, Ted said what we were all thinking.
Ted: [to Kelso] Why are you spending your retirement in the place you used to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... [pause] Aw! Still sad!
Ted: [to Kelso] Why are you spending your retirement in the place you used to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... [pause] Aw! Still sad!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: You're a much stronger person than you used to be. I've changed, too... I have a beard now.
Elliot: How about you? Do you still let that voice in your head control you?
J.D: [voiceover] This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head! [out loud] Not so much anymore.
Elliot: How about you? Do you still let that voice in your head control you?
J.D: [voiceover] This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head! [out loud] Not so much anymore.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Dude, have you been having fantasies about Muppets all day too?
Turk: No, I'm straight.
J.D.: That's just un-called for.
Turk: No, I'm straight.
J.D.: That's just un-called for.
TV Show: Scrubs
Jordan: Excuse me? Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.
Dr. Kelso: What are you doing?
Jordan: I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.
Dr. Kelso: That pansy-assed little tattletale!
Jordan: Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!
Dr. Kelso: Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.
Jordan: And I would have loved it!
Dr. Kelso: What are you doing?
Jordan: I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.
Dr. Kelso: That pansy-assed little tattletale!
Jordan: Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!
Dr. Kelso: Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.
Jordan: And I would have loved it!
TV Show: Scrubs
[during surgery]
Turk: Elliot, Todd and I are in the middle of teaching our interns how to do an appendectomy.
Elliot: Oh please, you just cut it out and sew it up.
Turk: [to assistants] She's right actually; finish up.
Elliot: Look, Carla always says that making love with you is perfect...
Turk: [to assistants] Yeah, she did!
Elliot: ...tell me, what makes it so special... I mean, she says that you even cry sometimes.
Turk: [mortified] Thank you for sharing!
The Todd: That's OK, T-Dog. If it doesn't hurt you're not doing it right.
Turk: Elliot, Todd and I are in the middle of teaching our interns how to do an appendectomy.
Elliot: Oh please, you just cut it out and sew it up.
Turk: [to assistants] She's right actually; finish up.
Elliot: Look, Carla always says that making love with you is perfect...
Turk: [to assistants] Yeah, she did!
Elliot: ...tell me, what makes it so special... I mean, she says that you even cry sometimes.
Turk: [mortified] Thank you for sharing!
The Todd: That's OK, T-Dog. If it doesn't hurt you're not doing it right.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Janitor walks into Dr. Cox's new office with a framed picture]
Janitor: So, where do you want me to hang it?
Dr. Cox: Someone else's office?
Janitor: You trying to keep me from doing my job? How would you like it if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they die?
Dr. Cox: Doctors don't do that.
Janitor: [smiles and winks] Look at you — sticking with the plan!
Janitor: So, where do you want me to hang it?
Dr. Cox: Someone else's office?
Janitor: You trying to keep me from doing my job? How would you like it if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they die?
Dr. Cox: Doctors don't do that.
Janitor: [smiles and winks] Look at you — sticking with the plan!
TV Show: Scrubs
[Dr. Kelso walks into Dr. Cox's office as Dr. Cox is steadying a picture]
Dr. Kelso: So that's what a Chief of Medicine does!
Dr. Cox: What's with the lab coat, Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.
Dr. Kelso: So that's what a Chief of Medicine does!
Dr. Cox: What's with the lab coat, Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.
TV Show: Scrubs
Jack: Janice, you have one ugly baby, seriously.
J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] Did you teach your son to be mean to a baby?
Dr. Cox: Not just any baby but your baby.
[Jack runs to Dr Cox and is scooped up]
Dr. Cox: Come on, Jackie boy, let's go get you 10,000 jelly babies. [walks off with Jack]
[Sam looks upset]
J.D.: [to Sam] I know; they can be so hurtful.
J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] Did you teach your son to be mean to a baby?
Dr. Cox: Not just any baby but your baby.
[Jack runs to Dr Cox and is scooped up]
Dr. Cox: Come on, Jackie boy, let's go get you 10,000 jelly babies. [walks off with Jack]
[Sam looks upset]
J.D.: [to Sam] I know; they can be so hurtful.
TV Show: Scrubs
Ted: I'm not what you would call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer. But that's only because I took the test in Alaska and they only have four laws, most of which are about when you can, or cannot, kill... seals.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: [to Dr. Cox] Have you seen J.D.?
Dr. Cox: No, I have not. Would you like to know why? It's because he's not coming in today. He's on a mini-vacation. And it isn't just today; he's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off. But not anymore! I'm coming in early and staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug monster you call a best friend.
Dr. Cox: No, I have not. Would you like to know why? It's because he's not coming in today. He's on a mini-vacation. And it isn't just today; he's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off. But not anymore! I'm coming in early and staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug monster you call a best friend.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Death doesn't really bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller... I still sort of enjoy it.
TV Show: Scrubs
Sunny: You can call me Sunny. My dad nicknamed me that because I brighten up a room. Of course, in college I had a few dark years. My car was stolen, I had three—was it three? No, four—I had four abortions.
[Denise stares at her blankly]
Sunny: I'm joking!
Denise: I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.
[Sunny laughs]
Denise: Why are you laughing?
Sunny: Because I'm scared. I'm not that strong.
[Denise stares at her blankly]
Sunny: I'm joking!
Denise: I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.
[Sunny laughs]
Denise: Why are you laughing?
Sunny: Because I'm scared. I'm not that strong.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: What do you want?
Janitor: I'm getting ready to torture Nurse Chestwhiskers, but it's her word against mine, so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.
Dr. Kelso: What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.
Janitor: You were there.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me. [holds a muffin to his ear] Hello? Ssh, he's standing right here!
Janitor: Me?
Dr. Kelso: I'll tell him. [to Janitor] My muffin thinks you're crazy and she wants you to go.
Janitor: Tell your muffin I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go!
Dr. Kelso: No.
Janitor: What is happening to me? [leaves, upset, just as Carla appears around the corner]
Carla: [pats Kelso on the back] Nice job.
Janitor: I'm getting ready to torture Nurse Chestwhiskers, but it's her word against mine, so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.
Dr. Kelso: What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.
Janitor: You were there.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me. [holds a muffin to his ear] Hello? Ssh, he's standing right here!
Janitor: Me?
Dr. Kelso: I'll tell him. [to Janitor] My muffin thinks you're crazy and she wants you to go.
Janitor: Tell your muffin I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go!
Dr. Kelso: No.
Janitor: What is happening to me? [leaves, upset, just as Carla appears around the corner]
Carla: [pats Kelso on the back] Nice job.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Hey there, Zeltzer. Do you mind if my family and I eat with with you?
Dr. Zeltzer: Not at all. I work such long hours that my wife and I hardly see each other anymore, so I installed this webcam so I can watch her during the day. Right now she's doing the dishes.
Dr. Cox: Then who in God's name are those two naked people?
Dr. Zeltzer: That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.
Dr. Cox: [horrified] Get the hell out of here!
Dr. Zeltzer: Not at all. I work such long hours that my wife and I hardly see each other anymore, so I installed this webcam so I can watch her during the day. Right now she's doing the dishes.
Dr. Cox: Then who in God's name are those two naked people?
Dr. Zeltzer: That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.
Dr. Cox: [horrified] Get the hell out of here!
TV Show: Scrubs
Lady: I want to thank you for dinner last night. I've eaten by candlelight before, but never by firefly-light.
Janitor: Yeah, it was hard to get them all into jugs, but I thought it was worth it. [clasping her hand] So, what do you want do do tonight?
Lady: [letting go] I don't really want to hold hands right now. Is that okay?
Janitor: Um, sure, I'm, uh, I'm fine with that. Whatever. Like teenage girls say: "whatever!" We're cool.
Lady: I'll call you. [leaves]
Dr. Cox: Hey Janitor, rock solid relationship there!
Jordan: You know, there's nothing like looking into someone's eyes and seeing a part of them die. Oh! There it goes. Bye bye, hope!
Janitor: Everything is fine between me and Lady. Excuse me for not having a relationship that's based on jet-black hate.
Jordan: We don't hate each other. At least we can hold hands. [notices Cox's wedding ring] Wait, what's this? Is that a wedding ring?
Janitor: You're just noticing now? He's been wearing it for months.
Dr. Cox: Gotta go!
Janitor: Yeah, it was hard to get them all into jugs, but I thought it was worth it. [clasping her hand] So, what do you want do do tonight?
Lady: [letting go] I don't really want to hold hands right now. Is that okay?
Janitor: Um, sure, I'm, uh, I'm fine with that. Whatever. Like teenage girls say: "whatever!" We're cool.
Lady: I'll call you. [leaves]
Dr. Cox: Hey Janitor, rock solid relationship there!
Jordan: You know, there's nothing like looking into someone's eyes and seeing a part of them die. Oh! There it goes. Bye bye, hope!
Janitor: Everything is fine between me and Lady. Excuse me for not having a relationship that's based on jet-black hate.
Jordan: We don't hate each other. At least we can hold hands. [notices Cox's wedding ring] Wait, what's this? Is that a wedding ring?
Janitor: You're just noticing now? He's been wearing it for months.
Dr. Cox: Gotta go!
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: [to Turk] If we do hook up tonight, for once, you won't be the only one thinking about J.D.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Derek, can you give Denise's patient a therocentesis and get that fluid out of there?
Derek: Surgery to the rescue! [to Denise] You are welcome.
Denise: Awww, that's adorable: you have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, because the guy you're in love with is a douche.
Derek: Surgery to the rescue! [to Denise] You are welcome.
Denise: Awww, that's adorable: you have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, because the guy you're in love with is a douche.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: [To Turk] You know, I never answered your question earlier about whether you and I will always be doctors: you will. You have this amazing ability to find joy in everything you do. Whether it's an operation you've done a hundred times, or even teaching. But as for me, I know you think it was a big victory figuring out what was wrong with Robyn, but those moments are kind of like eating a piece of chocolate. I enjoy the satisfaction for about ten seconds, and then it's gone. See, the thing that sticks with me, is the look of anguish on a patients face when I give them crappy news. I hold on to that forever. You're a surgeon: you occasionally get to fix people, but I figure out whats wrong with someone and then most the time I can't do anything about it; I just wish them luck dealing with it, or try to keep them alive for a while longer. So, you wanna know if I'll always be a doctor? I'd have to say, I don't know. I'm a doctor now, I will be tomorrow, but I can tell you that, if I'm ever lucky enough to get married, to have some kids, to maybe not need the money... I think I'd walk out of here and never look back.
TV Show: Scrubs