Scrubs Quotes
Dr. Cox: So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional; his choice, not yours.
Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Cox: Not all of him.
Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Cox: Not all of him.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: [After defeating Carla in arm wrestling] DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, CARLA?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your only skill is illegal in 26 states.
Jordan: It's 27. Arkansas buckled.
Jordan: It's 27. Arkansas buckled.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.
Elliot: Mm. When I was fifteen, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.
J.D.: They let you stay?
Elliot: Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for two years. I didn't have a lot of rules, though, because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.
Elliot: Mm. When I was fifteen, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.
J.D.: They let you stay?
Elliot: Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for two years. I didn't have a lot of rules, though, because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.
TV Show: Scrubs
Ron: So, why do you wanna baby-sit my kid? You think I can't handle my own kid?
Dr. Cox: No, that's not it at all. I think you're great with your kid. You're fantastic with your kid. In fact, in fact if you want, you can baby-sit my kid.
Ron: Are we really doing this? 'Cause I'll baby-sit the hell outta your kid.
Dr. Cox: Oh, bring it on, daddy.
Dr. Cox: No, that's not it at all. I think you're great with your kid. You're fantastic with your kid. In fact, in fact if you want, you can baby-sit my kid.
Ron: Are we really doing this? 'Cause I'll baby-sit the hell outta your kid.
Dr. Cox: Oh, bring it on, daddy.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: [frantic] Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste how are we going to raise our children? You know what? I'm going to stay with my sister!
TV Show: Scrubs
Molly: You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.
Elliot: They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.
J.D.: [narration] "Some guy"... I never get credit for anything!
Elliot: They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.
J.D.: [narration] "Some guy"... I never get credit for anything!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: I need your help.
Elliot: Fine, but I have three rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule one or two, I get to boing your curls.
Dr. Cox: What the hell does "boing" mean?
Elliot: [pulling on one of Dr. Cox's curls and releasing it] Booiinnng.
Dr. Cox: Oh God—this is gonna kill me.
Elliot: Fine, but I have three rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule one or two, I get to boing your curls.
Dr. Cox: What the hell does "boing" mean?
Elliot: [pulling on one of Dr. Cox's curls and releasing it] Booiinnng.
Dr. Cox: Oh God—this is gonna kill me.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she's sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?
TV Show: Scrubs
Jake: [to J.D., about Elliot] That girl's kinda cute, what's her story?
J.D.: She's a dude.
Jake: Yeah, huh.
J.D.: Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.
J.D.: She's a dude.
Jake: Yeah, huh.
J.D.: Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: [about Dr. Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly! But what does he have?
Elliot: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Cox: Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly! But what does he have?
Elliot: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Cox: Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Look, Elliot, I've got my own problems. I don't have time to deal with your little sex pickle.
Dr. Kelso: [passing by in his Rascal motor-chair] Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.
J.D.: I hate that thing!
Dr. Kelso: [passing by in his Rascal motor-chair] Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.
J.D.: I hate that thing!
TV Show: Scrubs
[Elliot and Jake are about to sleep together for the first time]
Elliot: I don't think we're going too fast at all. By the way, what do you do?
Jake: I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.
Elliot: [horrified] Ohh....
Jake: I'm a real estate developer.
Elliot: Oh, thank God!
Elliot: I don't think we're going too fast at all. By the way, what do you do?
Jake: I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.
Elliot: [horrified] Ohh....
Jake: I'm a real estate developer.
Elliot: Oh, thank God!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.
Dr. Cox: Bob, people have a private life and a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.
Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Dr. Cox: Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Dr. Kelso: Terence.
Dr. Cox: ...Terence, doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is "in" this season or showing all the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere. She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her. That used to be fine, when she just came by for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I weren't absolutely certain that Jordan would be waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.
Dr. Kelso: I'm so glad you shared.
Dr. Cox: Bob, people have a private life and a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.
Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Dr. Cox: Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Dr. Kelso: Terence.
Dr. Cox: ...Terence, doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is "in" this season or showing all the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere. She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her. That used to be fine, when she just came by for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I weren't absolutely certain that Jordan would be waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.
Dr. Kelso: I'm so glad you shared.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [narration] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it. [turns corner in the hallway to where Elliot and Carla are talking]
Elliot: Carla, I can sense that you're upset. Talk to me!
J.D.: [narration] OK, but Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive. [turns corner in the hallway to where Dr. Cox and Jordan are talking]
Dr. Cox: Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.
J.D.: [narration] Touché, magic hallway!
Elliot: Carla, I can sense that you're upset. Talk to me!
J.D.: [narration] OK, but Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive. [turns corner in the hallway to where Dr. Cox and Jordan are talking]
Dr. Cox: Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.
J.D.: [narration] Touché, magic hallway!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky: this is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," but never "bangin' double-Ds."
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. enters as Turk is washing up]
J.D.: Hey Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.
J.D.: [voiceover] The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out, through the halls, and downstairs.]
Turk: Whoa! Dude! Noooooo! Dude!
[J.D. plunks Turk down in front of Dr. Cox]
J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooo!
Turk: Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!
J.D.: It was worth it!
J.D.: Hey Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.
J.D.: [voiceover] The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out, through the halls, and downstairs.]
Turk: Whoa! Dude! Noooooo! Dude!
[J.D. plunks Turk down in front of Dr. Cox]
J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooo!
Turk: Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!
J.D.: It was worth it!
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: [To Dr.Cox] Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out to Carla, who's sitting at a bar.]
J.D: Say that again.
Turk: Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
J.D: That's what she said! [points to Carla] Zoom ZOOM zoom!
[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out to Carla, who's sitting at a bar.]
J.D: Say that again.
Turk: Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
J.D: That's what she said! [points to Carla] Zoom ZOOM zoom!
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Carla: J.D., you have to get out! This place is tiny and I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hanging all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.
Carla: They're satin, J.D.
J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel. [voiceover] King me!
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.
Carla: They're satin, J.D.
J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel. [voiceover] King me!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Carla, at 6: 41 tomorrow evening, I turn thirty. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.
Dr. Cox: Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.
J.D.: Haven't you used that joke, like, a trillion times?
Dr. Cox: I'm okay with it.
Dr. Cox: Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.
J.D.: Haven't you used that joke, like, a trillion times?
Dr. Cox: I'm okay with it.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A.—
Dr. Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill You and Stuff You and Leave You by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face...of the Year.
Dr. Kelso: And we're back.
Dr. Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill You and Stuff You and Leave You by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face...of the Year.
Dr. Kelso: And we're back.
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D.'s hand is moving]
J.D.: I think there's something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.
J.D.: I think there's something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: How'd you wind up with a born-again Christian for a sister?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know. Could be that the TV was broken one day, so she picked up the Bible and thought it was just a darn good read. Or it could be our mother's ability to watch silently while our father drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?
J.D.: Uh, probably the "room to room" thing.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know. Could be that the TV was broken one day, so she picked up the Bible and thought it was just a darn good read. Or it could be our mother's ability to watch silently while our father drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?
J.D.: Uh, probably the "room to room" thing.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: I can get mad, Turk, if you give me a little help.
Turk: If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.
Carla: Oh Turk, a little help.
Turk: If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.
Carla: Oh Turk, a little help.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Elliot is caught kissing a young patient's father by Carla.]
Carla: Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.
Turk: What'd you do?
J.D.: Was it naughty?
Elliot: [to J.D. and Turk] You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...
J.D. and Turk: [looking off into space, to themselves] Shoe shopping.
Carla: [to Elliot] Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?
Elliot: So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...
Carla: Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.
Turk: What'd you do?
J.D.: Was it naughty?
Elliot: [to J.D. and Turk] You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...
J.D. and Turk: [looking off into space, to themselves] Shoe shopping.
Carla: [to Elliot] Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?
Elliot: So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. is set up on a blind date with a patient's niece]
J.D.: [Thinking] I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up.
[A woman walks in, and is at least twice J.D.'s age]
J.D.: [Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch.
J.D.: [Thinking] I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up.
[A woman walks in, and is at least twice J.D.'s age]
J.D.: [Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here, but I'm not gonna kiss and tell.
Elliot: Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. It said "Bone City."
J.D.: [acting surprised] Oh, really. That came through?
Elliot: Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. It said "Bone City."
J.D.: [acting surprised] Oh, really. That came through?
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: [narrating] And now his boyfriend will comfort him.
J.D: Don't listen to her Brown Bear, your body's fierce.
Turk: Is it?
J.D: Like Taye Diggs.
Turk: [to Carla] Taye. Diggs.
J.D: Don't listen to her Brown Bear, your body's fierce.
Turk: Is it?
J.D: Like Taye Diggs.
Turk: [to Carla] Taye. Diggs.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's gonna take a lot for you to win me over.
Julie: J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.
[Billy Dee Williams enters]
Williams: Julie's a great girl.
Turk: [momentary pause, then begins shrieking] AH-HA-HA-HA, Lando Calrissian! Come here.
[Hugs Williams]
Williams: [Laughing] You can call me Billy Dee.
Turk: Yes, Lando. Yes.
Julie: J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.
[Billy Dee Williams enters]
Williams: Julie's a great girl.
Turk: [momentary pause, then begins shrieking] AH-HA-HA-HA, Lando Calrissian! Come here.
[Hugs Williams]
Williams: [Laughing] You can call me Billy Dee.
Turk: Yes, Lando. Yes.
TV Show: Scrubs