Married with Children Quotes

Al: I'd rather slam my nose in a car door. I'd rather have a proctologist named Dr. Hook. I would rather watch Roseanne Barr do a striptease than take these little booger machines camping.

Movie: Married with Children
Captain Courage: Navigator, we're sailing to our hideout. Do your job.
Ship's Navigator: Okey-dokey, Captain-Daddy. [a la an airline stewardess]
Ship's Navigator: Now, in case of an emergency, please use the exits located on the starboard and port sides of the ship. And in case of a water landing... Fluvio has many delightful flotation devices already blown up in his cabin. [Captain Courage and the whole crew glares at Fluvio who looks back at them with great embarrassment]
Ship's Navigator: But please, don't grab their chests, for the plastic is wearing thin.

Movie: Married with Children
Peggy: Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.
Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom.
Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.
Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.
Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.

Movie: Married with Children
Peggy Bundy: Are you okay?
Kelly Bundy: I think so. I mean, I'm gonna miss Lonnie, but at least I have something that will always remind me of him.
Al Bundy: A $10,000 wedding debt?
Kelly Bundy: No Daddy, that's yours. I've got this. [shows the diamond ring she still is wearing]
Kelly Bundy: And of course, my loved ones to console me.
Bud Bundy: We're here for you, Kel.
Kelly Bundy: Not you. [Kelly runs and stands in front of her former boyfriends]
Kelly Bundy: Them.

Movie: Married with Children
[Al is on trial for assault]
Kelly: Your Honor, I'm here to defend my daddy. D is for daddy. A... is for daddy. D is for daddy, Y is for daddy, I is for daddy, WE is for daddy. The defense breasts!
Al: Uh, Your Honor, if there is a valid lawsuit here, it should be Bundy vs. the Board of Education, because she actually graduated high school!

Movie: Married with Children
[Al is playing Hangman with Napoleon]
Napoleon: Hmmmmmmm. Could it be zhe letter, P?
Al: Hangman, I win. [laughs]
Al: It's French Fries, you idiot. Not too smart, are you? [Al sticks his hand in his pants as Napoleon leaves]

Movie: Married with Children
Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
Al: Yes, Ma'am.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I'm gonna hate these people.
Peg: You will not hate them. They are very nice.
Al: If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful — like that girl on TV — I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.
Steve: Ah... Thinnergy.
Al: Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?
Steve: Well yes, Al, she does.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

TV Show: Married... with Children
Marcy: [about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?
Steve: Yes, dear.
Marcy: How do you know?
Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?
Steve: Well, Al...
Al: I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?
Steve: The French?
[Al nods in agreement.]

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.
Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.
Al: Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

TV Show: Married... with Children
Steve: It's not just a car, honey — it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
Marcy: Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?
Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look coolly out the window and we'll pretend these [gesturing at their wives] are our mothers.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: [Reading the title of a book he was given] "My Partner. My Wife. My Life." My God.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift?
Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.
Peggy: A can of motor oil?
Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: You are the biggest — by the way, do you have cable?
Steve: No.
Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Lisa: No! Look, you don't seem to understand me. I want something that goes with this dress.
Al: A bubbling cauldron?
Lisa: You've got a lot of nerve.
Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, "He catches 'em, I cook 'em. He eats 'em, I love him"?
Al: Nah, you'd wear it, but you wouldn't mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.
Peg: [with mock excitement] Yippee skip! And a mere 275 dollars. Oh, Al, let's buy it. We can do without food and heat for a year.
Al: [surprised] You wouldn't mind?

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Now remember, kids, this is your mother's first day at work. She's probably a little nervous, a little insecure. So when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family — and try not to laugh.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: [to Peg] You can't have a VCR.
Marcy: What gives you the right to make that decision?
Al: Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby." [looks closer] Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it — maybe — because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Luke: [to Al] The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Luke, how can you go around and sleep with every woman you meet?
Luke: I don't know, but I do.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: I thought you liked the Cubs.
Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.
Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: In the sixteen years I've been married to Al I've learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless women's gymnastics are on, then you got a shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning; he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him he's right.
Marcy: Why?
Peg: Because he's a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Peg: It's not every year Kelly gets promoted to the next grade.

TV Show: Married... with Children
Kelly: All right, who put this ad in the paper? "Cheap blonde, sixteen, looks thirty, seeks job out of state. No reading or writing, please."

TV Show: Married... with Children
Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.

TV Show: Married... with Children