Scrubs Quotes
[Dr. Cox has just made Elliot Chief Resident, passing J.D. over; J.D. does not take the news well.]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, how you doing?
J.D.: [voiceover] OK, keep it together. It's "be a man" time. [out loud, barely holding together] No, it's fine. You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though. [hysterically]Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love, who's going to tell my mom, and what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards!? [Falls to his knees, throwing business cards everywhere]
Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlet, you're chief resident too.
J.D.: Uh, what now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...-slash-labradoodle.
J.D.: So wait, why didn't you just say that in the first place?
Dr. Cox: What, and miss your hall-of-fame hissy? Not on your life.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, how you doing?
J.D.: [voiceover] OK, keep it together. It's "be a man" time. [out loud, barely holding together] No, it's fine. You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though. [hysterically]Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love, who's going to tell my mom, and what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards!? [Falls to his knees, throwing business cards everywhere]
Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlet, you're chief resident too.
J.D.: Uh, what now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...-slash-labradoodle.
J.D.: So wait, why didn't you just say that in the first place?
Dr. Cox: What, and miss your hall-of-fame hissy? Not on your life.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: So what do you think?
Dr. Cox: Well, Bob, either this kid's got a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.
Dr. Cox: Well, Bob, either this kid's got a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.
TV Show: Scrubs
Molly Clock: I think, as a psychiatrist, I should be there when Ms. Myers' bandages get removed. I mean, the accident was traumatic enough, but with reconstructive facial surgey on top of that? In my professional opinion: yikes!
Dr. Cox: Well, if you are coming in, I might just go ahead and phone up my pool man and my architect so we populate the room with just as many useless people as possible.
Molly Clock: Great! My mom's in town, should I call her?
[Dr. Cox makes a face and walks off]
Carla: [laughing] That was good.
Dr. Cox: Well, if you are coming in, I might just go ahead and phone up my pool man and my architect so we populate the room with just as many useless people as possible.
Molly Clock: Great! My mom's in town, should I call her?
[Dr. Cox makes a face and walks off]
Carla: [laughing] That was good.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D: [narration] ...That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.
New Doctor: [Approaching from behind a wall] Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.
J.D: Hey Ron, the "I don't care" ward's down there.
New Doctor: [Approaching from behind a wall] Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.
J.D: Hey Ron, the "I don't care" ward's down there.
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. is asking people at the hospital if they've ever unintentionally killed a patient]
Turk: Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?
Elliot: Mrs. Kahn, my second year.
Doug: Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.
Kelso: I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?
Doug: On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.
Todd: Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.
Doug: Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.
Dr. Cox: No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?
Turk: Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?
Elliot: Mrs. Kahn, my second year.
Doug: Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.
Kelso: I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?
Doug: On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.
Todd: Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.
Doug: Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.
Dr. Cox: No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [narration] Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A hook, if you will.
[J.D. approaches the bed of a female patient, holding a handheld tape recorder]
J.D.: [into recorder] Mrs. McCullum, forties. Moderately attractive, condition improving.
Mrs. McCullum: Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. McCullum. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.
[J.D. approaches the bed of a female patient, holding a handheld tape recorder]
J.D.: [into recorder] Mrs. McCullum, forties. Moderately attractive, condition improving.
Mrs. McCullum: Did you just say I was moderately attractive?
J.D.: Excuse me, Mrs. McCullum. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. has just regained his residents' respect]
J.D.: Lonnie, slap your face!
[Lonnie does so]
J.D.: All of you, slap your faces!
[All the residents slap their own faces]
J.D.: Awesome.
J.D.: Lonnie, slap your face!
[Lonnie does so]
J.D.: All of you, slap your faces!
[All the residents slap their own faces]
J.D.: Awesome.
TV Show: Scrubs
Murry: [to his father] ...If you need a kidney you can have mine... for $70,000.
Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.
Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Dan greets J.D. with cake,a family tradition for bearing bad news]
J.D.: What happened?
Dan: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "hey, how are things?"
J.D.: Dan.
Dan: ...Dad died.
J.D.: ...There's ice cream in the fridge.
J.D.: What happened?
Dan: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "hey, how are things?"
J.D.: Dan.
Dan: ...Dad died.
J.D.: ...There's ice cream in the fridge.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist, and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.
Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.
Dr. Cox: And I have got to believe that the two of us, together—together, Dan—we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.
Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.
Dr. Cox: And I have got to believe that the two of us, together—together, Dan—we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.
TV Show: Scrubs
Molly: Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.
Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.
Molly: So they'd have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Molly: [Rubs his stomach] I'm touching your creamy center!
[She leaves; J.D. walks down the hallway toward Cox]
Dr. Cox: Ohh, I am... so very angry... that I'm going to find someone to kill...just to prove her wrong.
[J.D. turns around and flees]
Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.
Molly: So they'd have more of a nougaty center?
Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Molly: [Rubs his stomach] I'm touching your creamy center!
[She leaves; J.D. walks down the hallway toward Cox]
Dr. Cox: Ohh, I am... so very angry... that I'm going to find someone to kill...just to prove her wrong.
[J.D. turns around and flees]
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?
Dr. Kelso: With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board for trying to con her out of meds.
Dr. Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!
Dr. Kelso: Well that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling.
Dr. Cox: Exactly!
Dr. Kelso: With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board for trying to con her out of meds.
Dr. Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!
Dr. Kelso: Well that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling.
Dr. Cox: Exactly!
TV Show: Scrubs
Ted: Did you hear the lottery's up to $100,000,000? If I win, it's going to be separate beds for me and my mom!
Carla: And you could spend the other $99,999,000 on therapy.
Carla: And you could spend the other $99,999,000 on therapy.
TV Show: Scrubs
Molly: I'm sorry, I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people and you're just too normal.
J.D.: [narration] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.
J.D.: My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.
J.D.: [narration] At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.
J.D.: Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.
Molly: Wow. [kisses J.D.]
J.D.: [narration] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.
J.D.: My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.
J.D.: [narration] At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.
J.D.: Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.
Molly: Wow. [kisses J.D.]
TV Show: Scrubs
[The Janitor kicks J.D. out of his van into the desert]
J.D.: What are you doing?!
The Janitor: It's been four years! How do you not get how this works?!
[The Janitor drives off leaving J.D.]
J.D.: What are you doing?!
The Janitor: It's been four years! How do you not get how this works?!
[The Janitor drives off leaving J.D.]
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [narration] Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs. [to Neena] Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Neena Broderick: [laughs] That's really funny.
J.D.: [narration] Well, that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious.
Neena Broderick: [laughs] That's really funny.
J.D.: [narration] Well, that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I'd like to take this one.
Dr. Cox: Go ahead.
J.D.: [greeting a patient] Mr. Steel, first name, Man of.
Dr. Cox: And you're done.
Dr. Cox: Go ahead.
J.D.: [greeting a patient] Mr. Steel, first name, Man of.
Dr. Cox: And you're done.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: J.D., how could you do this to Turk? You guys are so close I occasionally have nightmares of you running away together!
J.D.: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
J.D.: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.
J.D.: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
J.D.: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.
TV Show: Scrubs
Neena Broderick: Mr. Corman is contending that the shoulder surgery he received ruined his tennis serve. I'm going to start by asking Dr. Turk if his diabetes could have effected his performance in any way.
Dr. Kelso: [to Turk] You're a diabetic?
Turk: Yes. I told you that.
Dr. Kelso: I thought you were joking!
Turk: How is that funny?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's a very serious disease, and I don't like you!
Dr. Kelso: [to Turk] You're a diabetic?
Turk: Yes. I told you that.
Dr. Kelso: I thought you were joking!
Turk: How is that funny?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's a very serious disease, and I don't like you!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: The good news is that, Murry and his dad are a match, kidney wise. The better news is that the test revealed a little secret that you're gonna wanna share with your new pal. Gregory isn't Murry's biological father! By the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny, little moments.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Carla, have you seen Newbie?
Carla: Oh, he got off your leash?
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. The kid's like.... have you ever seen a drunk baby? It's a long story, involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say that it turns out at first it's endearing to watch them bounce of the walls, but man, you take your eyes off them for one second and bam! They've got a bucket on their head and they're plowing through your brand new flat screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box. The point is that Newbie is my drunk baby.
Carla: Oh, he got off your leash?
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. The kid's like.... have you ever seen a drunk baby? It's a long story, involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say that it turns out at first it's endearing to watch them bounce of the walls, but man, you take your eyes off them for one second and bam! They've got a bucket on their head and they're plowing through your brand new flat screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box. The point is that Newbie is my drunk baby.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Elliot, if you need any help, just ask Dr. Diagnosis. You can be my sidekick! Bangs McCoy!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Saaaay... that was some real Nancy Drew work there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing!
J.D.: Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.
Dr. Cox: Did you somehow think that you weren't annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you ARE annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the Middleweight Annoyance Crown.
J.D.: Well, you're the number one jealous weight for the jealous... weight jealous... champ.
Dr. Cox: HE'S DONE IT! HE'S DONE IT! DORIAN IS THE MOST - ANNOYING - MAN - IN THE WORLD! WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT, A GENUINE ANNOYER LIKE DORIAN?... [trails off as he leaves the room]
J.D.: You are a close second!
J.D.: Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.
Dr. Cox: Did you somehow think that you weren't annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you ARE annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the Middleweight Annoyance Crown.
J.D.: Well, you're the number one jealous weight for the jealous... weight jealous... champ.
Dr. Cox: HE'S DONE IT! HE'S DONE IT! DORIAN IS THE MOST - ANNOYING - MAN - IN THE WORLD! WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT, A GENUINE ANNOYER LIKE DORIAN?... [trails off as he leaves the room]
J.D.: You are a close second!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Well?
Jordan: It's blue. I'm not pregnant.
Dr. Cox: Ohh.
Jordan: You know what's weird? I'm relieved, I just feel... kinda sad, because I think about how beautiful our son is and I... kinda wish it had gone the other way, you know? [She notices Cox is no longer there.] Sweetie?
[Cut to Cox running down the middle of a busy road, deliriously happy.]
Dr. Cox: SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT CAME OUT BLUE! IT'S BLUE! SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT'S BLUE! IT CAME OUT BLUE!
Jordan: It's blue. I'm not pregnant.
Dr. Cox: Ohh.
Jordan: You know what's weird? I'm relieved, I just feel... kinda sad, because I think about how beautiful our son is and I... kinda wish it had gone the other way, you know? [She notices Cox is no longer there.] Sweetie?
[Cut to Cox running down the middle of a busy road, deliriously happy.]
Dr. Cox: SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT CAME OUT BLUE! IT'S BLUE! SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT'S BLUE! IT CAME OUT BLUE!
TV Show: Scrubs
Kylie: I'm getting my Masters in Political Science.
J.D.: I love politics, ask me anything. [narration] What are you doing? You don't know anything about politics. You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks.
J.D.: I love politics, ask me anything. [narration] What are you doing? You don't know anything about politics. You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Turk is sitting on a counter, waiting for Carla and holding her purse.]
Dr. Kelso: What in the hell are you doing?
Turk: I get to have sex!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Dr. Kelso: What in the hell are you doing?
Turk: I get to have sex!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
TV Show: Scrubs