Scrubs Quotes
J.D.: [voiceover] I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.
Todd: Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?
Todd: Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot : Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse...
Carla: I got one for you: stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink.
Carla: I got one for you: stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [about to sleep with his girlfriend for the first time] Remember when the new Star Wars movie came out? It was all built up, and when people finally saw it, it wasn't that great in bed?
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....
[Elliot pulls her hair out of her face]
Dr. Cox: [continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.
[He grabs J.D. by the shoulders]
Dr. Cox: [affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school— Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! [leaves]
Elliot: My mom says they frame my face.
J.D.: They don't.
[Elliot pulls her hair out of her face]
Dr. Cox: [continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.
[He grabs J.D. by the shoulders]
Dr. Cox: [affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school— Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! [leaves]
Elliot: My mom says they frame my face.
J.D.: They don't.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Why did I become a doctor? Well gosh, I guess it's because ever since I was a little boy I just wanted to help people. You know, I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, so I picked him up and I brought him home and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox and... oh my God! [breaks up laughing] I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks. But, since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly affects the number of chicks that come sniffin' around, and don't ask me what tree they're barking up, 'cause they're sure as hell not pissing on mine, and as far as power goes, well: Here I am during my free time letting some thirteen-year-old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life, so here's the inside scoop there, pumpkin, why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.
TV Show: Scrubs
Janitor: Girl problems?
J.D.: How'd you know?
Janitor: Look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems.
J.D.: How'd you know?
Janitor: Look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [To Dr. Cox just entering the hospital] Dr. Cox, I was wondering...
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-Cup.
Janitor: At least they're real.
J.D.: [voiceover] Yup, a great place to heal.
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-Cup.
Janitor: At least they're real.
J.D.: [voiceover] Yup, a great place to heal.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [narration] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.
[Dr. Cox coming around the corner, approaches J.D.]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs [points to his head]. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.
[J.D. walks away slowly]
Dr. Cox: Skip away, skip away, skip away [J.D. skips a little], skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!
[Dr. Cox coming around the corner, approaches J.D.]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs [points to his head]. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.
[J.D. walks away slowly]
Dr. Cox: Skip away, skip away, skip away [J.D. skips a little], skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Okay, so you're having a little trouble asking out Kristen. There's no shame in it.
Dr. Cox: Whoa there, Curly, I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this. [to a passing woman] Wanna have a drink sometime?
Woman: No.
Dr. Cox: Good. [to Turk] See? I'm fine over here.
Dr. Cox: Whoa there, Curly, I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this. [to a passing woman] Wanna have a drink sometime?
Woman: No.
Dr. Cox: Good. [to Turk] See? I'm fine over here.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: Hey Bambi, you know Mr. Simon made one of the night nurses cry?
J.D.: Which one?
Carla: Frank.
J.D.: Frank used to be a Navy SEAL!
J.D.: Which one?
Carla: Frank.
J.D.: Frank used to be a Navy SEAL!
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Sir, what happened to Bunny? We gotta know.
Dr. Kelso: Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi, but things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then, I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept on comin'! Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, wore a white jumpsuit, and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.
Elliot: Sir...
Dr. Kelso: Then in 1977 I died on the toilet... or did I?
Turk: You never played the guitar, did you?
Dr. Kelso: Son, that crap is for hippies! Now for God's sake get back to work! [in an Elvis Presley-like voice] Thank ya, thank ya very much.
Dr. Kelso: Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi, but things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then, I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept on comin'! Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, wore a white jumpsuit, and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.
Elliot: Sir...
Dr. Kelso: Then in 1977 I died on the toilet... or did I?
Turk: You never played the guitar, did you?
Dr. Kelso: Son, that crap is for hippies! Now for God's sake get back to work! [in an Elvis Presley-like voice] Thank ya, thank ya very much.
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. and Dr. Cox are in a patient's room talking. J.D. has just been told that he has to give a lecture for a resident.]
J.D.: That sucks, I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Then take him.
J.D.: What do you mean?
Dr. Cox: Secure a vehicle of some kind, car, balloon, tricycle. And transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.
J.D.: I don't think you really get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more like a buddy.
Dr. Cox: Okaaay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you, and gave you the impression that I actually cared, which is just so wrong, God!
J.D.: The thing is I don't really need a buddy. What I need is a father.
Dr. Cox: Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone. Or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you can carry around the hospital and cry your sad eyes out.
J.D.: [To patient, who has been listening to the conversation] I have testicles. He's a kidder.
J.D.: That sucks, I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Then take him.
J.D.: What do you mean?
Dr. Cox: Secure a vehicle of some kind, car, balloon, tricycle. And transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.
J.D.: I don't think you really get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more like a buddy.
Dr. Cox: Okaaay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you, and gave you the impression that I actually cared, which is just so wrong, God!
J.D.: The thing is I don't really need a buddy. What I need is a father.
Dr. Cox: Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone. Or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you can carry around the hospital and cry your sad eyes out.
J.D.: [To patient, who has been listening to the conversation] I have testicles. He's a kidder.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [Narration] Maybe the mistake we make is thinking our parents will change. And maybe they did a better job than we give them credit for. And maybe there, amid all the crap they dumped on us, are some things worth keeping. Like a passion for something you never knew you had. Or the ability to constantly surround yourself with people who love you.
TV Show: Scrubs
Nurse: Oh, it's just coffee.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no. This is liquid crack; this is a mug full of sunshine; my dear, for me, this is like sex.
Nurse: Oh! Is that why you always finish so quickly?
Dr. Cox: [as Nurse walks away] Mmmm, and sassy too. If you can cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom!
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no. This is liquid crack; this is a mug full of sunshine; my dear, for me, this is like sex.
Nurse: Oh! Is that why you always finish so quickly?
Dr. Cox: [as Nurse walks away] Mmmm, and sassy too. If you can cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom!
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: He doesn't know that I cry sometimes because I'm not sure there's a cat heaven.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body. You understand that the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.
TV Show: Scrubs
Ben: Jordan, you're a big girl. When you got divorced you put people in the awkward position of having to choose between you and Perry.
Jordan: You're my brother!
Ben: Well, admittedly that made it hard—ooh, here's a good one. [holds up a snapshot he just took of Jordan] "Me so cranky! Rrr."
Jordan: You're my brother!
Ben: Well, admittedly that made it hard—ooh, here's a good one. [holds up a snapshot he just took of Jordan] "Me so cranky! Rrr."
TV Show: Scrubs
[Dr. Cox is examining Ben, who has a nail impaled through his hand and stuck in a board. JD walks in.]
J.D.: What's that, like your "lucky board" or something?
Ben: What's that? Oh, no, it's a nail gun accident. [Shows J.D. the bottom, which is covered in blood]
J.D.: Oh my God, that's disgusting.
Dr. Cox: I already dosed him with morphine and the X-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a d... oh, dear God, she's getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.
Ben: Look at that. Oh, it's a nail. You wanna touch it? Touch the nail. Touch my nail! Touch it! LICK THE TIP OF MY NAIL!
[J.D. faints]
Dr. Cox: Goodnight!
J.D.: What's that, like your "lucky board" or something?
Ben: What's that? Oh, no, it's a nail gun accident. [Shows J.D. the bottom, which is covered in blood]
J.D.: Oh my God, that's disgusting.
Dr. Cox: I already dosed him with morphine and the X-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a d... oh, dear God, she's getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.
Ben: Look at that. Oh, it's a nail. You wanna touch it? Touch the nail. Touch my nail! Touch it! LICK THE TIP OF MY NAIL!
[J.D. faints]
Dr. Cox: Goodnight!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: I think you won't face Ben because you're afraid.
Dr. Cox: I think you're right. I do. Partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's because well...I told you that I was afraid earlier today, so please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate things to me that I've already said, because I know the things I've already said. In fact... I'm the one who said them.
Dr. Cox: I think you're right. I do. Partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's because well...I told you that I was afraid earlier today, so please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate things to me that I've already said, because I know the things I've already said. In fact... I'm the one who said them.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [Narration] I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You'd never know it, but there's most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you're feeling abandoned. Maybe because you realize that you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should've handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren't as good as you thought you were. Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity, or you can suck it up. It's your call.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Don't ever be afraid to come to me about this kinda stuff, newbie. The simple fact that you seem to even give a crap is why I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor; hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: ...Are you dying?
Dr. Cox: I've got a new shrink.
J.D.: ...Are you dying?
Dr. Cox: I've got a new shrink.
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. wakes up next to Turk]
J.D.: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head to foot.
Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.
J.D.: Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment there's no way for them to [makes hand gesture] lock in.
Turk: Dude, could you be more homophobic?
J.D.: I'm not.
[Turk whisks off duvet. J.D. is already dressed.]
J.D.: Ready to go?
J.D.: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head to foot.
Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.
J.D.: Yeah, but with the head to foot alignment there's no way for them to [makes hand gesture] lock in.
Turk: Dude, could you be more homophobic?
J.D.: I'm not.
[Turk whisks off duvet. J.D. is already dressed.]
J.D.: Ready to go?
TV Show: Scrubs
The Todd: Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident, he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder any more. [pointing to nurses] Yes, yes, no, yes, no, and yes if I've been drinking.
Nurse Roberts: Come here, Wonder Bread.
The Todd: What's up, doll?
Nurse Roberts: If you ever get this close again, I will end you.
The Todd: I'm changing you to a yes because you're fiesty!
Nurse Roberts: Come here, Wonder Bread.
The Todd: What's up, doll?
Nurse Roberts: If you ever get this close again, I will end you.
The Todd: I'm changing you to a yes because you're fiesty!
TV Show: Scrubs
[Jordan has just witnessed Dr. Cox trashing J.D.]
Jordan: Good job, D.J.
J.D.: It's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!
Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful.
Jordan: Good job, D.J.
J.D.: It's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!
Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Why can't Carla just let this go?
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah... but mostly because I had a husband.
Elliot: Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?
J.D.: Yeah... but mostly because I had a husband.
TV Show: Scrubs