Press Gang Quotes

Kenny: The thing about Lynda is, Sam, she's not half as hard as wants you to think.

TV Show: Press Gang
Kelly/Dublin Girl [on the phone to Kenny]: Are you a nice guy?
Kenny: Me, nice? You’re talking to world champion nice here. I’m so nice I get socks for Christmas – and I like it. I’m so sweet and lovable cuddly toys sneer at me.
Kelly: Then I guess you’ll never get dumped.

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Lynda: Of course - your dear old aunt in Sherrington. What is it this time? Ill? Dead? Tell me, how do you justify being off work at her funeral on no less than eight separate occasions?
Kenny: She is my aunt!
Lynda: Kenny - this woman has died a total of eight times!
Kenny: How do you think I feel?

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Sam: That's not what lasting relationships are based on. I should know - I've had hundreds of them.

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Sarah: I've just met the most wonderful guy in the world, and my life is over!

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Spike: I'm a great kisser, Lynda. Seventeen years, and never dribbled.
Lynda: I expect you practice a lot on your own.
Spike: Absolutely. I have this pair of rubber lips.
Lynda: I can see that.

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Lynda: Is that a joke about my height?
Spike: I wouldn't stoop so low.

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Spike: Actually, I'm six foot three. I've just been standing in a hole since I was seven.
Lynda: Yes, I've often thought of you that way.

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Spike: You're very pretty when you're angry. Of course, I've never seen you any other way. Maybe you're angry when you're pretty.

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Spike: I was cracking those jokes at myself. You just stood in front of me.

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Lynda: Can we for once just be two normal people?
Spike: I can be two normal people if you can.

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Lynda: So just don't get up to any crazy stuff.
Spike: When have I ever done that?
Lynda: The school dance.
Spike: Apart from that.
Lynda: The sixth year social.
Spike: And the sixth year social.
Lynda: The fifth year social, the fourth year social...
Spike: Apart from those...
Lynda: Sarah's birthday party, Julie's birthday party, Kevin's birthday party... The school sports day, the staff/pupil social...
Spike: I don't remember the staff/pupil social.
Lynda: That's part of the problem.

TV Show: Press Gang
Spike [to Lynda]: For the record, you're the last person in the world I would ever let down. I thought you'd have worked that out by now.

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Spike: The school dance, the sixth year social, Sarah's birthday party, Kevin's birthday party, Julie's birthday party...
Lynda: What about them?
Spike: You were never there. I figured there was a reason.

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Lynda: I don't do conversation! Anything I say comes out like an order. I say 'hello' and people salute.

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Lynda: Why do you have to keep following me?
Spike: Mostly, the view.

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Colin: So. You saw through my disguise.
Spike: A tablecloth with a headband round it? No, I just took a lucky guess!

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Lynda: You know, when I was fourteen I pretended I was ill at my own birthday party. Kenny came up to my room and we played chess all evening.
Spike: Good old Kenny.
Lynda: He won three games in a row, and I threw him out.

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Spike [hearing a glass break behind him]: Don't look at me. That wasn't my heart!

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Spike: Colin, Lynda's here tonight. It's very important for her to make a good impression, and it's not going to look too good if her financial advisor is here dressed as an Arabian night trying to sell oil fields under the high school!

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Lynda: I think you're getting the wrong idea about this kiss.
Spike: I'm not, Lynda, honest. It's just a kiss between friends, right? A thank you kiss. It doesn't mean a thing - I know that.
Lynda: I knew you were getting the wrong idea.

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Lynda [to Spike, on the window ledge]: Spike, this is stupid. You could have an accident.
Spike: I'll be okay.
Lynda: You don't know what I have in mind.

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Spike: Lynda, going out together usually involves - and this may surprise you - going out together. Like dates and stuff. Like maybe even seeing one another occasionally. I know, it was in Biology.

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Spike: I mean, what have I got out of this so far? I'll tell you, Lynda! Five lousy kisses! I counted.
Lynda: Is that why I felt your lips move? What do you mean, lousy kisses?
Spike: I mean forgetting to take the pencil out of your mouth first. That loses you points, Lynda. Of course, you gain a few for helping me get it out of my nose afterwards. And washing all the blood off my shirt. And the walls.

TV Show: Press Gang
Colin: Height?
Benjamin: Four foot two, not counting my head.

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Malcolm Bullivant: I'm not staying. But I've got to kill someone before I go.
Kenny: I see, yes - must be a tough habit to break. Listen, couldn't you just skip today's murder and do two tomorrow?

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Lynda: Got a minute?
Kenny: Actually, no. There's someone here to kill Colin.
Lynda: Well, I'm sure he can manage it without you.

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Colin [on his sister]: She's always got chocolate. We have to keep feeding her sweets so she won't eat the furniture.

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Colin: So, you didn't think your black belt in judo was worth mentioning?
Benjamin: Well, I thought people would be more interested in the train-spotting angle.

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Colin: So, who hates me enough to want me battered senseless by Malcolm the shaving gorilla?
Frazz: Shall I get the list?

TV Show: Press Gang