Dead Ringers Quotes

David Dimbleby: Yes, this week the pre-Budget report is the talk of Westminster, but that's no use to us because 'Question Time' will be coming from some godforsaken place in the middle of nowhere. The audience will all be in green wellies and the only guests willing to make the trip will be a Liberal Democrat MEP you've never heard of, a rent-a-quote loony right winger like Peter Hitchens and, worst of all, Jim Davidson. Expect incomprehensible shouting a-plenty about fiscal policy from an audience every bit as freakish as Gordon Brown himself, and lots of embarrassing moments as I try to work out whether the person with their hand up is a man or a woman. Of course, I can't wait to get back to London, safe in the knowledge that as it's a cold winter, someone famous is bound to die again soon. I do so love hosting a good funeral.

Movie: Dead Ringers
Elliot Mantle: Why are you crying, Bev?
Beverly Mantle: Separation can be a...terrifying thing.

Movie: Dead Ringers
George W. Bush: My fellow umbrella stands. I know many of you will be astonisherated that the former Iraqer Defence Minister Sultan Akhmed, who surrendered in Mousehole on Friday, will not be charged with war crimes. But there is a very good reason why the CIA has granted Sultana Bran immunity from prostitution and that is because he has promised to lead us to Saddarm's weapons of mass destruction. What he has already told us about their location explains why we haven't found them. Turns out we've been looking in completely the wrong place. He says to find Saddarm's penguins of mass destruction my troops must first cross Jezaloor Gorge then press deep into the Fanghorn Forest. Beyonce that lies the Bridge of Kazad-dum and the fiery mount of McMordor where he says our quest will be at an end. Just as soon as we find this Gandalf guy, we're all set!

Movie: Dead Ringers
Narrator: [singing about the brightly coloured blobs] We're just like the others at first sight / But we don't infringe copyright. / Otherwise auntie BBC's arse would get sued by the teletubbies.

Movie: Dead Ringers
Narrator: Bobo, are you a boy? [Bobo shakes his head]
Narrator: Bobo, are you a girl? [Bobo shakes his head]
Narrator: Are you totally asexual to make this show appealing to the lucrative middle-eastern markets? Thought so...

Movie: Dead Ringers
Sharon Osbourne: What's the matter, Ozzy? you haven't looked this depressed since you remembered you were from Birmingham.

Movie: Dead Ringers
Announcer: Osama bin Laden's comedy tape is more controversial then Roy Chubby Brown; but less reactionary then Jim Davidson!
Osama: Are there any Americans in the audience
An audience member raises his arm
Osama: Kill him!

TV Show: Dead Ringers
Noel Edmonds: Tony, how much do you love Jennifer?
Tony: Nyeh.
Noel Edmonds: Nyeh? We don't do "nyeh" on this show Tony. What's the matter?
Tony: I just don't think I care anymore, Noel. I have been in my hotel room for 86 weeks waiting to get on this show. I lost my job, my wife has run off with my best friend and my house has been repossessed. This, is just a silly game.
Noel Edmonds: They warned me this day would come. That there would be one. One like you! (pointing at Tony) Well let me tell you, Tony. We don't like your sort on Deal or No Deal. Do we, Deal or No Dealers?
Deal or No Dealers: No!
Noel Edmonds: So let us take our little happy sticks from underneath our podiums, and beat some Deal or No Deal happiness back into Tony!

TV Show: Dead Ringers
Noel Edmonds: Now let's keep playing.
Contestant: Do I have to?
Noel Edmonds: (under his breath) It's spreading!

TV Show: Dead Ringers
Den Watts: Alfie mate, I'm getting a premonition that I might be killed off in a few months.
Alfie Moon: But then doesn't that mean they'll be a space for another Walford bad boy?
Den Watts: Nah they already filled that...
David Blunkett: Yes that's right! I got sick of being the bad boy of Parliament so now I've moved onto somewhere I'll fit in more, Albert Square! I've already got Pauline Fowler pregnant and started a love triangle with myself, Pat Butcher and Wellard the dog.
Sharon Watts: Ah there you are Blunkett! Did you really think you were gonna mess with the Watts and get away with it!?
Den Watts: Sharon, wait, don't do it princess.
Alfie Moon: Why not? He must've really hurt her.
Sharon Watts: Hurt me? Nah, I wouldn't go near Blunkett with a stick!
Alfie Moon: But then if you didn't sleep with him, which Watts did?
Den Watts: (Beat) Me.

TV Show: Dead Ringers
Fiona Bruce: Welcome to Crime Watch. If this were the Avengers, I'd be Emma Peel.
Nick Ross: Yes, and I'd be Steed's umbrella.

TV Show: Dead Ringers
The Doctor: Is this B&Q?
B&Q Employee: Yes.
The Doctor: Ah, good, this is the Doctor. Tell me, do you sell sink plungers?
B&Q Employee: Yes.
The Doctor: Do you sell dustbins?
B&Q Employee: Yes.
The Doctor: Do you sell wooden dowels?
B&Q Employee: Yes.
The Doctor: And when Minis drive by, do they ever have little blinking orange lights?
B&Q Employee: Er...yes?
The Doctor: Ah, my friend, if you have dustbins, sink plungers, wooden dowels and Minis driving by with little blinking orange lights, you are in great danger! Your shop may well be the invasion corridor for the Dalek army! You must flee at once!

TV Show: Dead Ringers
Pat Butcher: Well, that's it then, Roy. We know who did it. We know who shot Phil Mitchell. It was...
Brian Perkins: Me, Brian Perkins!

TV Show: Dead Ringers
Jonathan Ross: The makers of the Harry Potter films are looking for a replacement for Richard Harris to play the wizardly headmaster Dumbledore. To save time they're only recalling actors who have experience with beards.
Harry Potter: Oh, wise and Kindly Dumbledore, you said you had something of great importance you wanted to say to me.
Rolf Harris: Yeah, g'day, Harry. It's your old mate Dumbledore here!
Director: Next!
Billy Connolly: Harry, don't defeat Lord Voldemort a little. Defeat him a lotto!
Director: Next!
Director: Next!
Brian Perkins: BBC Radio 4, I'm Albus Dumbledore. Or at least I am if they know what's good for them! Brian Perkins knows exactly how to gain access to the Chamber of Secrets. You just get Jenny Murray drunk at the Radio 4 Christmas Party!

TV Show: Dead Ringers
Harry Potter: I need your advice, kindly old Dumbledore.
Gandalf: No. What you need, Potter, are new glasses. I'm not Dumbledore, I'm Gandalf. The wise old wizard that guides a youthful hero on a journey of discovery.
Harry: Yes, that's right, Dumbledore.
Gandalf: Frodo, tell him that I'm Gandalf.
Frodo: You're not Gandalf, Gandalf's here! [Points at Obi-Wan Kenobi ] The wise wizard that guides a young hero on a brave quest!
Obi-Wan: No, young acolyte, I'm not Gandalf. I'm the old master who schools a young hero in a mystic art.
Harry: Dumbledore!
Obi-Wan: I'm not bloody Dumbledore. I'm the one who sacrifices himself in the first part of the trilogy, then comes back from the dead to help the hero!
Gandalf: You've nicked that bit off me!
Frodo: Harry, Dumbledore doesn't appear in this film because the actor who plays him is dead, but he will return played by somebody else.
Obi-Wan: Like me, they've nicked that bit too!
Gandalf: Look, it's my movie that's breaking all box office records, not your piss poor effort!
[Obi-Wan and Gandalf fight. Darth Vader enters.]
Gandalf: Oh, that's all we need. (!) The evil villain who dabbles in the Dark Side of the mystic realm.
Frodo: Saruman!
Obi-Wan: No, that's [Vader] the villain who kills the father of the hero!
Harry: That's Lord Voldemort!
Vader: I'm not Voldemort! Anyway, that's just a story they tell the hero. The truth is I'm really his father.
Harry: You're my father?
Vader: I am. [Beat] Oh, bugger! That's really spoilt the ending of the fifth book, hasn't it?

TV Show: Dead Ringers
Professor Snape: Ah, Harry Potter. I suppose you and your friends thought you could hide your identities from me under the cover of these mysterious clokes. Well as of today the headmaster has the right to ban these face-concealing veils so take 'em off.

TV Show: Dead Ringers
Snape: (Rolling his eyes) Look, these things cause communication difficulties between staff and pupils. It's difficult enough with my ludicrous accent now take 'em off. You first Potter.

TV Show: Dead Ringers
Snape: (Rolling his eyes again) Oh God Potter, you're not in the West End anymore. Stop doing that with your wand it's against health and safety.

TV Show: Dead Ringers