Bewitched Quotes

Darrin Stephens: I have an aunt who thinks she's a lighthouse. And whenever it rains, she insists on climbing on the garage roof to warn the sailors.
Samantha: How do you know she isn't a lighthouse?

TV Show: Bewitched
Isabel Bigelow: [Isabel rewinds time to undo a hex that was put on Jack and ends up back to where she was on the phone with Nina while watching Jack on Inside the Actor's Studio.] Yes, I'm watching it, and you're right, he is a great big male reproductive organ!

TV Show: Bewitched
Jack Wyatt: Watch the road!
Uncle Arthur: Hey, is it Porsche, or Porsha?

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha Stephens: Adam, you're bewitched, and you only have ten minutes to get unbewitched.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Isabel changes a tarot card into a Visa Platinum Card to pay at Bed, Bath, and Beyond]
Isabel Bigelow: That was my last thing as a witch!

TV Show: Bewitched
[first lines]
Larry Tate: Hi, Darrin.
Darrin Stephens: Hi, Larry. All set for your trip?
Larry Tate: Mm-mm, I leave tonight. I'll be in London tomorrow morning, Paris tomorrow night. I'm afraid it's one of the disadvantages of having a top designer for a client. I'd like to get out of it, but I figure it's good business to at least go over to look at his Spring collection.
Darrin Stephens: Yeah, it's touch having to go to dull places like London and Paris.
Larry Tate: No, this is no pleasure trip. Especially this year. My wife insists on coming with me.
Darrin Stephens: If you're that much against the trip, why don't you send me instead.
Larry Tate: Darrin, you're my best friend. I wouldn't send my worse enemy on a trip with Louise. So I know you won't mind.
Darrin Stephens: I had a feeling you were leading up to something.
Larry Tate: I do have a few loose ends that need looking after, and I wondered if you could take care of them while I'm gone.
Darrin Stephens: If you're going to be slaving away in Paris, it's the least I can do.
Larry Tate: Now, Susan. Well, au revoir and toi, je t'aime, I think.

TV Show: Bewitched
[After Tabitha has changed her classmate into a butterfly].
Tabitha: Is this one of those things that's called a problem?
Samantha: Not exactly, sweetheart. This is one of those things that's called a catastrophe.

TV Show: Bewitched
Mrs Kravitz: Abner! Darrin Stephens is talking to a strange woman.
Mr Kravitz: So what? I'm listening to one.

TV Show: Bewitched
Maurice: Endora, you have all the charm of a tse-tse fly.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Endora 'pops' in while Darrin has a day off from work.]
Samantha: Mother, Darrin's off today.
Endora: I think you're just noticing it for the first time.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Samantha is trying to convince a cow (who she believes to be Aunt Clara) to go to the kitchen. It won't budge.]
Samantha: Just because you chose to be a cow doesn't mean you have to be a stupid one.

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: You see, everything turns out for the best.
Darrin: Yeah, when you're around to give everything a big assist, it does.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Samantha is trying to hide a witches court meeting (attended by Endora, Clara, Enchantra and Hagatha) from Darrin in the other room.]
Darrin: I know why you don't want to let me in there.
Samantha: You do?
Darrin: Mm-hm. I finally figured it out. Ladies club, right?
Samantha: Sort of.
Darrin: Is it the committee for the bazaar?
Samantha: Oh, I'd certainly call them a bizarre committee.

TV Show: Bewitched
Darrin: That was no lady, that was my mother-in-law!

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: Darrin, I'm leaving you.
Darrin: Sam!
Samantha: I'm going home to mother.
Darrin: What do you mean "going home to mother"? Your mother's always here.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Referring to Darrin's beautiful, but snobby, client.]
Samantha: Personally, I think she should see a plastic surgeon.
Darrin: What for?
Samantha: To have her nose lowered.

TV Show: Bewitched
[After losing to Charlie all day.]
Darrin: Believe me honey, I don't feel bad. As a matter of fact, I feel great. I finally beat Charlie at something.
Samantha: You said you lost by 12 strokes.
Darrin: 11.
Samantha: Oh, pardon me.
Darrin: But we flipped a coin to see who'd tip the caddy and I won. It cost me ten bucks, but I won.

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: When the earth turns once around the sun, let the crone go forth til the day is done. Another's form she'll take and her form leave, from 6 in the morn til 6 in the eve. And in this guise if she can secure, a willing kiss from a mortal pure. To her will pass the mortal's youth, to him will pass her age forsooth. [Legend of the Crone of Cawdor]

TV Show: Bewitched
Darrin: A satisfactory explanation?! You're kidding!
Samantha: It's not for me. I trust you implicitly, in spite of my doubts. Mother will not take off that spell until you explain.
Darrin: Suppose you explain to me what gives your mother the right to bug my telephone calls.
Samantha: Darrin, how can I explain my mother?
Darrin(realizing Samantha's point): That's true.

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: Happy sweetheart?
Darrin: Let's see. I've got a beautiful wife. Lovely daughter. Comfortable home. Good job. I guess I'm reasonably happy.
Samantha: Why only 'reasonably'?
Darrin: I would be ecstatically happy if you were an orphan!
Samantha: Another remark like that and I'll be a widow.

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: I thought you and mother were getting along rather well lately. You were almost on speaking terms.
Darrin: Let's hope it stays 'almost'.

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: Now, mother. I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this, but repeat after me ... Spiders that crawl, bats that fly, silence my tongue if I'm telling a lie.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Samantha is trying to figure out who has taken Darrin.]
Maurice: Uncle Arthur! That's it! Uncle Arthur is using Darrin for one of his practical jokes.
Endora: Well, why would he do a thing like that? Derwood is already a practical joke.

TV Show: Bewitched
[After Darrin yells out loud.]
Endora: I've not only lost a daughter, I've gained a bullhorn.

TV Show: Bewitched
[After Darrin insults Endora]
Endora: Fortunately for you, I don't offend easily.
Darrin: Let me try a little harder.

TV Show: Bewitched
Samantha: Mr Haskem, you really should listen to Darrin. He has his finger on the pulse of today.
Larry Tate: And his foot on the unemployment line of tomorrow.

TV Show: Bewitched
[Joking about Samantha's unrisen Angel Food Cake]
Uncle Arthur: When you cast your spell, you probably faced west when you should of faced 'yeast'.

TV Show: Bewitched
Darrin: I don't believe it. In our living room, in person, sits Napoleon Bonaparte.
Samantha: Yeah. You're the only living human being who can say he's had Napoleon Bonaparte as a guest in his house. It's ironic.
Darrin: Ironic?
Samantha: Yes. Who can you say it to?

TV Show: Bewitched
[Darrin is trying to apologize to Samantha, for accusing her of using witchcraft to win a slogan competition].
Darrin: The point is, your slogan was rejected, it was lousy. Which proves it was your imagination!

TV Show: Bewitched
Larry Tate: [Laughs] Darrin, you old son of a gun, we've done it again. This Ezyway rent-a-car presentation is a masterpiece.
Darrin: Just don't hog all the credit this time, huh, Larry. Let's make it 50-50 right down the line.
Larry Tate: Done. I'll even go you one better, Darrin. If HB doesn't like it, it's all yours.

TV Show: Bewitched