Woman: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.
Elaine: It's ironic.
Woman: What's ironic?
Elaine: This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties.
Woman: No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
Jerry: Yes. [hangs up]

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Telemarketer: Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance service?
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, sorry, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up]

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Milosh: Another point for Milosh!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Jerry's girlfriend: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack.
Jerry: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Girlfriend: You're insane.
Jerry: Oh yes, quite. [Kramer enters]
Jerry: Of course, it's a sliding scale.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Girlfriend: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?
Girlfriend: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
Jerry: All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre: So I got home... and he was vacumming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent.
Elaine: Excuse me... excuse me.
Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre: What's the problem?
Elaine: ...you're talking.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Rental Car Agent: Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


David Puddy: [to Elaine] I'll be back. We'll make out.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Kruger: The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?
George Costanza: Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane. [everyone begins laughing]
George Costanza: Alright, that's it for me, you've been great! Good night, everybody.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Aldon Benes: Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
George Costanza: [pointing to Jerry] Oh, he's the comedian.
Jerry: I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest.
Aldon Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. [long pause]
Aldon Benes: There's nothing funny about that.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Susan Biddle Ross: I don't see why you can't just use a condom.
George Costanza: Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.
Susan Biddle Ross: Why?
George Costanza: I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock."

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Susan Biddle Ross: [Susan and George are having dinner with Carrie and Ken, Susan's cousin. Carrie is heavily pregnant] So, have you picked out a name yet?
Carrie: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.
Susan Biddle Ross: Aww.
George Costanza: [negatively] Hu-ho, boy.
Ken: You don't like Kimberley?
George Costanza: Ech. What else you got?
Ken: How about Joan?
George Costanza: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
Susan Biddle Ross: George!
Carrie: Pamela?
George Costanza: Pamela? Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Ken: What?
George Costanza: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
George Costanza: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, are you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
Ken: Yeah, but uh... Soda?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right. It's working.
Carrie: We'll put it on the list.
George Costanza: I solve problems. That's just what I do.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Mr. Lager: Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling: You got a greeting, starts with an H, how's twenty bucks sound?
Cosmo Kramer: I'll take it.
Mr. Lager: Awright, sir

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: You're wasting your life.
George Costanza: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Cosmo Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got money?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George Costanza: Uh, no.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George Costanza: I like to get the Daily News.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: You're becoming one of the glitterati.
George Costanza: What's that?
Cosmo Kramer: People who glitter.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: You'll be the world's first pirate!
Jerry: But I don't wanna be a pirate!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
Jerry: Walk away?
Cosmo Kramer: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
Jerry: Isn't there a deductible?
Cosmo Kramer: All right, what is your deductible?
Jerry: I don't know.
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, because they've already deducted it.
Jerry: From what?
Cosmo Kramer: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.
Jerry: We're not leaving the car.
Cosmo Kramer: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: You know, they botched my vasectomy?
Jerry: They botched it?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm even more potent now.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.
Jerry: I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: You ever dream in 3-D? It's like the Boogie Man is coming RIGHT AT YOU.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Yo Yo Ma.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, well I'll tell ya, she's a full figured gal.
Jerry: Is she?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh you better believe it buddy.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: What're you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time of year.
Jerry: It's your third day.
Cosmo Kramer: I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [Walks out]
Jerry: [Leaning out the door] Well, call if you're gonna be late.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Well, you got insurance, right?
Jerry: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, why not?
Jerry: Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door... [closes door]
Jerry: MUST BE CLOSED.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Well, we're talking to Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new movie "Elaine Does the Upper West Side".

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Well, our rickshaw is gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he bolted.
Jerry: Well, you know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months.
Cosmo Kramer: [to Newman] We should've got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his... other bag of cans.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Well, more bad news Jerry. You know the police they found another victim of the Loper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you.
Jerry: Oh, come on, there's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me.
Cosmo Kramer: Not as many as there used to be.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Cosmo Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: The cat - mmrrrooowwwrr - is out of the bag!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.
Jerry: Wow.
George Costanza: You're Batman.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: That's a lotta potatoes.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: So what's going on between you and Gina?
Jerry: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. So we're in the room, and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
Cosmo Kramer: See, that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what'd you do?
Jerry: Nothing.
Cosmo Kramer: What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: See? This is why you need a fax machine and a copier.
Jerry: And a deadbolt.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well, throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Well we're gonna make it happen.
Jerry: No your not.
Cosmo Kramer: Well Newman knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office.
Jerry: No he doesn't.
Newman: He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss.
Jerry: Yes it can.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: No, she was completely topless.
George Costanza: How good of a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George Costanza: Say she was a criminal and you had to describe her to the police...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Mmm... boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth. And afterwards you don't even smell. That's right folks. I've just had three shots of Hennigan's and I don't even smell. Imagine: you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's: no smell, no tell, Scotch

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry is a lean, mean pecking machine.
George Costanza: Celia is up for parole.
Cosmo Kramer: [looks at George] Who?
George Costanza: [looks at Kramer] What? [both look at Jerry for an explanation]
Jerry: I'm too tired.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Keith Hernandez!
Newman: Keith Hernandez! I despise that man!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Just tell him you don't want to do the bootleg. I'm sure he'll understand.
Jerry: People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, why would I, a Juliard trained dermatologist, recommend that he go to see someone else?
Jerry: Because you're *not* a dermatologist.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Jerry, I know myself. And if I'm on the streets, and it starts to go down, I don't back off, until its finished.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Cosmo Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Cosmo Kramer: But they do, and they're the ones writing it off.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: It's a Festivus miracle.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Is this oak?
Mr. Lager: Think it's pine.
Cosmo Kramer: Pine is good.
Mr. Lager: Yeah, pine's okay.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: I'm at the corner of 1st and 1st... How can the same street intersect with itself? It must be at the nexus of the universe.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: I'll tell ya, if I could do it over, I would give it all up to be a fireman.
Jerry: Yeah, civil servants who risk their lives really have it made.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning.
Elaine: I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I guess I was.
Elaine: What were you going to wear home?
Cosmo Kramer: Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: I thought you said she stinks.
Jerry: She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
George Costanza: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal... everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Elaine: What does that mean?
George Costanza: Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
Jerry: Crook eye?
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Cosmo Kramer: EVIL eye.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: I bought a chicken.
George Costanza: [to Jerry] Allow me. [to Kramer]
George Costanza: Why?
Cosmo Kramer: Cage-free farm-fresh eggs.
Jerry: [to George] Allow me. [to Kramer]
Jerry: What are you, an idiot?

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Human, it's human to be moved by a fragrance.
Pam: That is so true.
Cosmo Kramer: Her bouquet cleaved his hardened...
Newman: [whispering] ... shell.
Cosmo Kramer: Shell, and fondled his muscled heart. He imbibed her glistening spell, just before the other shoe fell.
Pam: Kramer, that is so lovely.
Cosmo Kramer: It's by an unknown 20th century poet.
Pam: Oh? What's his name?
Cosmo Kramer: Newman.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Hoochie Mama.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?
Jerry: I could ballpark...

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Congradulations!
Some woman: What for?
Cosmo Kramer: You're pregnant... You're not pregnant?

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: Boy, a month in Europe with Elaine. That guy's coming home in a body bag. [cut to a taxi]
David Puddy: Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?
Elaine: We have to break up.
David Puddy: What?
Elaine: Look, I don't care how interesting the change is. And if you tell me what the time is in New York again, [shouts]
Elaine: YOU ARE GOING HOME IN A BODY BAG.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: A hot bowl of mulligatawny would hit the spot.
Elaine: Mulligatawny?
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, it's a delightful Hindu concoction simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.
Elaine: Who, the Soup Nazi?
Cosmo Kramer: He's not a Nazi, Elaine. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: [toasting] Here's to feeling good all the time.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?
George Costanza: [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!
Cosmo Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.
George Costanza: [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries! [falls down]
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, no problem. [hangs up phone]
Cosmo Kramer: How did you know who that was?
Jerry: [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: [open's Jerry's door] Hey, come on! I thought we were gonna take a steam!
Jerry: [who, with George, is thought to be gay] No, no!
George Costanza: No! No!
Jerry: No steam!
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I don't want to sit there all naked by myself!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: [lighting up a cigarette, talking to a bar patron] What? Oh, these? I suck 'em down like Coca Cola.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer just had a seizure] What happened?
Elaine: Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head - was Mary Hart on TV?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: That's it! That is it! Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer is describing George's hands] Smooth... Creamy... Delicate, yet... Masculine...!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: [enters Jerry's apartment. Slams money on the counter] I'm out!
Elaine: What?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm out of the contest.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: [being attacked by a man throwing golf clubs while talking to Jerry and Elaine on a cell phone] I think he's done guys. [looks ahead at the driver infront of him]
Cosmo Kramer: No he's not! He's throwing the WOODS!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cosmo Kramer: ...that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... *glugh*.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months?
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: Hmm, that job sounds like it might be worth a *year's* free haircuts... and a comb!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Mr. Peterman: Elaine, up until a few minutes ago, I was convinced I was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books - The Enterman's Shim Sham. Until I remembered my security camera, which I installed to catch other Walter using my latrine.
Elaine: But, Mr. Peterman, I...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, I have a question for you - is the item still with you?
Elaine: I guess so...
Mr. Peterman: Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? I have a feeling that what you are about to go through is punishment enough. Dismissed.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Mr. Peterman: Elaine, can you keep a secret?
Elaine: No sir, I can't.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Jackie Chiles: You fool. You're having her try the bra on over a leotard. Of course the bra isn't going to fit on a leotard. A bra's got to go up against the skin. Like a glove.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Jackie Chiles: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Jackie Chiles: [speaking at a rapid clip, about one sentence per second] You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on?

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Noel: I am breaking up with YOU.
George Costanza: You can't break up with me, I've got Hand.
Noel: And you're going to need it...

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Lloyd Braun: You know, you should tell your dad that 'serenity now' thing doesn't work. It just bottles up the anger, and eventually, you blow.
George Costanza: What do you know? You were in the nut house.
Lloyd Braun: What do you think put me there?
George Costanza: I heard they found a family in your freezer.
Lloyd Braun: Serenity now. Insanity later.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Morty Seinfeld: We just came for the funeral.
Helen Seinfeld: Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early.
Jerry: He was 96 years old.
Morty Seinfeld: And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Katya: In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian." You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Uncle Leo: Jerry... H E L L O

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Dean Jones: Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Cosmo Kramer: It may seem glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean Jones: As far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is nothing more than a solitary man with a messy apartment that may or may not contain a chicken!
Cosmo Kramer: And with Darrin's help, we'll get that chicken!
Dean Jones: I'm sorry; there's just no way we can allow Darrin to stay with you.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, this decision seems capricious and arbitrary.
Dean Jones: Your fly's open.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Blaine: What was bad about The English Patient?
Elaine: Only that it sucked.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Ronnie: I heard you went down to this woman's office and heckled her.
Jerry: Damn right. It's time we stopped being lapdogs. Who are they to heckle us? It's time one of us drew a line in the sand.
Ronnie: I gotta tell you, everybody's talking about it. You're like Rosa Parks. You've opened a brand new door for all of us. I can't wait for the next time that somebody heckles me.
Jerry: Well, that shouldn't be long...

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Ronnie: [to George] I've been living a lie.
George Costanza: You've been living a lie? I've been living... like twenty.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cushman: Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?
George Costanza: Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.
Cushman: Go on.
George Costanza: All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Cushman: Do you talk to everybody like this?
George Costanza: Of course.
Cushman: My niece told me you were different.
George Costanza: I am different, yeah.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.
George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.
George Costanza: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Babu Bhatt: You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Gina: [Gina's boyfriend Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.
Jerry: I can't. What if he wakes up.
Gina: A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?
Jerry: I'm a man who respects a good coma.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Mr. Ross: I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children.
George Costanza: Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav


Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
Mr. Lippman: You're fired!
George Costanza: Well, you didn't have to say it like that.

Movie / TV: Seinfeld
 | Comment  |  + My Fav