Only Fools and Horses Quotes

June: You had a kid brother. Rodney! How is he?
Del Boy: He's alright. He's just reached that awkward age, you know. He's a bit like a trifle.
June: What do you mean? All mixed up?
Del Boy: No, he's thick and fruity.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Mental Mickey: We like looking like this. We're Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.
Rodney: Yeah!
Del Boy: Why do you want to be superstars then?
Mental Mickey: Because we want to be rich Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Mr Chin: Have you decided what colour the walls will be?
Del Boy: Oh yes of course you don't think I'd leave something that important to the last minute, do you? (to Rodney) Hurry up and open that tin.
Rodney: (struggling to open a tin of paint) I'm trying.
Del Boy: I thought... and you can shoot me down in flames if you like Mr Chin, but what I thought the colour these walls should be...
Mr Chin: Blue.
Del Boy: What?
Mr Chin: I like blue.
Del Boy: Oh blue. Je suis frontiers. That is exactly what I thought. I thought why don't we paint these walls a nice subtle shade of blue.
Mr Chin: What shade of blue?
Rodney: Yellow.
Del Boy: And then I changed my mind. I thought not blue. I thought we should paint them gold.
Rodney: That's yellow.
Del Boy: This is GOLD, Rodney. Are you illiterate or something? You see I remembered the name of your beautiful restaurant. Gold for the Golden Lotus.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Don't let him go! That's not gonna please Mr Chin, ain't it?
Rodney: Was it his pet?
Del Boy: No, but number 39 is off the menu.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: What have you been up to, Del?
Del Boy: Oh, bits and pieces.
Rodney: Where have you been?
Del Boy: Here and back.
Rodney: So what have you been doing?
Del Boy: This and that.
Rodney: As long as I know.
Grandad: I thought you'd winkle it out of him in the end.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: You swore to me it wasn't nicked. Bankrupt stock you said.
Del Boy: British Rail, same thing init?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Grandad: (Rodney is angry after finding out the paint used for the kitchen was hooky) Tunnels?
Del Boy: What?
Rodney: No, he said that!
Grandad: Trigger said the paint was used for painting signs in tunnels, well how can you see a sign in a tunnel, it's pitch black innit?
Trigger: Nah it's alright, this is luminous.
Del Boy: See Grandad, it's luminous, which means you can see in the... LUMINOUS?!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Grandad: (on the telephone) Oh, hello Mr. Chin. No Del's gone out. I'm not sure... Where have you gone to, Del?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Mr. Chin: Don't you "Hello Mr. Chin" me! What have you done to my walls?!
Del Boy: Glowing are they? Tell them not to be frightened, cos this is new energy saving paint we're using. It's designed to cut down on the electricity bills. Yeah. Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll be round to see you first thing in the morning. (puts the receiver down)
Rodney: Does he want his money back?
Del Boy: No he wants you to go round tomorrow and do out his living room in it!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: You were gunrunning in the middle of a civil war?
Grandad: Well, that's the best time to do it. Supply and demand.
Rodney: You dirty, old mercenary.
Grandad: We didn't do it purely for financial gain. Oh no, we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause.
Del Boy: Which side were selling to?
Grandad: Whichever side had the most money, really.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Grandad: (in the cell, recounting his earlier experience with the Spanish authorities) ...they took Nobby away; tortured him... all through the night, you could hear his screams!
Rodney: Woke you up at one point I bet!
Grandad: (shaking his head) The last thing on my mind was sleep, but no matter how hard they tried, Nobby wouldn't say a word... and then it were my turn...
Rodney: (briefly concerned) What... they tortured you?
Grandad: No... but they would have done if I hadn't told them everything I knew!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Can you manage, Grandad?
Grandad: Yeah, I think so, Del.
Del Boy: Mind your hernia! That's not bad, you know? I reckon we done well there.
Grandad: Waste of money if you ask me, come all this way and all.
Del Boy: What do you mean a waste of money? They're beautiful! Not only are they exquisite ornaments, guaranteed to brighten any sideboard, they are also a revolving musical box!
Rodney: They are China cats that play "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window."
Del Boy: What do you want for £1.25, "Okla-bleeding-homa"?!
Rodney: Don't you think it's a bit sick? A cat playing a song about a dog.
Del Boy: No, it means they're unique.
Grandad: It means there was a balls-up at the factory and they put the wrong chimes in.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: When a North Korean came to live in London, he thought that Battersea dog's home was a takeway.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Here Grandad. You want a jemmy?
Grandad: Nah. Had one before we left Del.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Grandad! How you getting on?
Grandad: All right Del Boy. I found it Del.
Del Boy: There you are, he's found the nut. Told you we could trust him.
Grandad: I'm starting to undo it.
Del Boy & Rodney: (rushing under the chandelier whith the tarpaulin)NOOOO!!!
Del Boy: You silly old duffer, we ain't up the ladders yet!
Rodney: Grandad, don't you touch nothing 'til we tell you!
Del Boy: Right up we go Rodders. Anything you want?
Rodney: Yeah, I wanna go home.
Del Boy: All right Grandad, we're ready. You can start undoing it now.
Grandad: (unscrewing the bolt) It's coming Del Boy. One more turn Del.
Del Boy: Right, now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (calmy, to Rodney) Grandad was undoing the other chandelier.
Rodney: How can you tell?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Grandad: Alright, Del Boy.
Del Boy: Alright? Look at it!
Grandad: Did you drop it, Del?
Rodney: How could we drop it?! We wasn't even holding it! We was working on that one.
Grandad: Well I wish you'd said something, 'cos I was working on this one. Is it very valuable Del?
Del Boy: (smiling) Nah not really. (angry) It was bleeding PRICELESS when it was hanging up there though!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Vicar: I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth - but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked is it?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (commenting on the chicken he's been eating at the Nag's Head) Tough? Tough? It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?
Rodney: Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?
Del Boy: Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.
Rodney: No! Did she report it?
Del Boy: Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.
Rodney: Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... Hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
Del Boy: Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: She's very intelligent actually. We got on really well.
Del Boy: Yeah, they do say opposites attract, don't they?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Dr. Becker: Don't worry, he's got legs like Nijinsky.
Del Boy: (puzzled) Nijinsky is a racehorse.
Rodney: No, Del, he means Nijinsky the Russian ballet dancer.
Dr. Becker: No I don't!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Grandad: (bedbound) Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated.
Del Boy: Well you'll have to wait till the morning, 'cuz they'll be closed now!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: I am 24 years old, I have two GSEs, thirteen years of schooling and three terms at an adult education centre behind me, right? And with all that, what have I become? I am a lookout.
Del Boy: No, Rodney, you're wrong. You're not just a lookout, you're a bad lookout!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Mickey Pearce: What are these things?
Del Boy: Those? They are lawnmower engines.
Rodney: Lawnmower engines?
Del Boy: Listen, they're not ordinary lawnmower engines.
Rodney: (interested) No?
Del Boy: No, they're broken lawnmower engines.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Well, I've gotta admire yer bottle Rodders - I must admit. You've been in the business five minutes and already you've opened up a Spanish branch. You've cornered the World market on broken lawnmower engines - what's your partner doing now, is he buying second-hand pedalos?
Rodney: No, no, no, nothing like that, no, we're - we're going into the self-catering holiday trade.
Del Boy: Cor, what on 200 nicker?
Rodney: Yeah well, we're starting in a small way.
Grandad: What you got, a Wendy House?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: When we see the gamekeeper, when we get down there, we pay him 25 quid.
Rodney: What? And he gives us a fishing permit?
Del Boy: No, he shows us the hole in the fence.
Rodney: I knew it.
Del Boy: It's called business.
Rodney: It's called stealing!
Grandad: No it ain't, Rodney.
Del Boy: Listen to your grandad.
Grandad: It's called poaching.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Policeman: They called him the Axe Murderer. He murdered a group of local fisherman. (Del and Rodney look at each other nervously) Oh well. Have a nice weekend.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: It's blowing a ruddy typhoid out there!
Rodney: It's a typhoon...
Del Boy: Hmm? Oh, good idea Rodney, stick the kettle on. We'll have a nice cup of tea.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses