Nip Tuck Quotes

Christian: I’m a jackrabbit. I don’t do slow and steady. I’ve paid my dues and I want some overnight success.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Christian: Let me start off by saying I’m a huge fan. Of all the romantic comedies I’ve been dragged to by my girlfriends over the years, yours are the ones I hated the least. So, tell me what you don’t like about yourself, Miss Summers?
Carly Summers: That I was stupid enough to let Fiona drag me here. Look, Doctor, I’m sure you are a genius at what you do but plastic surgery is an actor’s worst nightmare. You stretch actresses’ faces so they don’t have to stretch themselves.
Fiona: Says the woman who hasn’t landed a part deeper than a shot-glass in three years.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Christian: I’m taking Carly to the Ivy.
Sean: [referring to Wilbur] Did you call a sitter?
Christian: No, but you’re not doing anything. Come on, it’s business.
Sean: I thought you turned down her surgery.
Christian: I did turn down her surgery and now I need to turn her on. We’re not going to get anywhere in this town by giving Carly Summers a little Botox. She needs a face-lift, a tit job and whatever else I can seduce her into getting. Good plan, huh?
Sean: How about I take the Hollywood star out to dinner and you stay home with your son? I’ll do the convincing.
Christian: Because I’m the charismatic salesman and you’re the talent. That’s the way it’s always been.
Sean: That’s exactly why I left Miami.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Mistress Dark Pain: Let me tell you something, doctor. It’s not easy being Robert Easton. He isn’t stupid. He knows that underneath his ‘look-how-big-my-dick-is’ act that he’s just a scared little boy who feeds of everyone else’s talent and dreams. He’s nothing. I have a gift. I help keep men like Bob from imploding with too much power.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Sean: Sounds like living the dream has its price.
Bob Easton: Of course it does. Eat your young on a regular basis, what do you expect? All day long, I’m the one with the control, the power. Once a week, Mistress Dark Pain takes it all away from me. Sometimes twice a week during Oscar season. Every bite somehow restores the balance. Keeps me real, you know?

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Fiona: What are you? Leg man, ass man, tit man...?
Christian: Tit man, why?
Fiona: (unbuttoning her shirt) Mommy issues. You should know.

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Christian: You're right. I'm an asshole.
Fiona: The town's full of assholes. What makes you special?
Christian: Nothing, absolutely nothing.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Christian: You have a daughter? That is fantastic. What about daddy? You pull him out of the drawer for Thanksgiving to baste the turkey?
Olivia: She was conceived in my college dorm the good, old-fashioned way by adding two hard bodies, a quart of rum and stirring.
Christian: Very kinky. Where's papa now?
Olivia: Where do you think? After he impregnated me, I bit off his head.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Christian: Julia called yesterday and said she’s moving in with someone.
Sean: Well that’s great. She’s seeing someone, I’m seeing someone.
Christian: Since when you’re seeing someone?!
Sean: I’m having a little fling with somebody on the show, an actress.
Christian: Well there’s a bit of a difference here. You’re not moving in with your current piece of ass!
Sean: Yet!

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Sean: Just say it; you're thinking she wouldn't be a lesbian if she'd been married to you. That I must be such a lousy lay that my wife went from dwarf humping to carpet munching.
[Christian laughs]
Sean: It's not funny.
Christian: I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at us. I mean, it is funny. After all these years, Julia was the reason for our 'who's got the biggest dick contest'. Now we find out, she doesn’t even like 'em.

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Christian: Julia moved to Lesbania.
Liz: Julia is just a tourist.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Christian: [referring to the ass bandit] Why would someone do that?
Liz: For the thrill of getting away with it, or maybe because brown is the new black.

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Eden: I know you fantasize about me while you're pumping away on little Miss Jenny Craig. Does fatty dumpster swallow? I bet she's too worried about the calories.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Christian: Sorry, am I interrupting "Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition"?

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Christian: I love all this Californian New Age crap. It is hilarious to make you think that you can stick a needle in your head, and that your whole body is going to go numb; you know it's just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Olivia: [to Christian, referring to her relationship with Julia] I think our personal life is for us to know and for you to fantasize about when you're masturbating.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Linda: These guys are crazy. The only reason I've moved here it's because they throwed a bunch of money at me. And the golf opportunities.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Colleen: (wheeling out a Teddy Bear stuffing machine) Do you know what it's like to be a nobody and suddenly become a somebody because you hit your dumb little unimportant star, the one that shines so much brighter than yours? And do you know how much it hurts... (attaching a hose up to the machine) ... when that wonderous, magical star suddenly flickers out and dies in your life, and you end up being just shut in the shadows? It hurts so much! You will not take away my star, you will not take away my Sean. (holds the hose up to the face of a tied down man) I want you to open your mouth. I said open your mouth! Get some god damn dignity. (places the hose in his mouth and turns the machine on) See the stuffing? It's going inside you now. That's it, that's it. that's it, that's it. (closes the now dead man's eyes and places bead eyes over his)

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Christian: [referring to Liz's attorney] How bad can this be? The guy's blind.
Christian's attorney: So is justice.

TV Show: Nip Tuck
Dr. Griffin: Dr. McNamara, Dr. Troy, I want you to take 15 seconds and write down everything you can think of to describe your partner. The first things that come to mind. Go. [The partners scribble]
Dr. Griffin: Dr. McNamara, why don't you go first?
Sean: "Tall, arrogant, peacock, womanizer, clothes whore, damaged, dangerous, asshole."
Dr. Griffin: Dr. Troy, do you have anything you'd wish to say?
Christian: Well it's kind of hard to argue with any of those.

TV Show: Nip Tuck