Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]
Gregory: Look at this. Blonde hair.
Servo: Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.
Crow: At night.
Joel: In a fog.
Gregory: Look at this. Blonde hair.
Servo: Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.
Crow: At night.
Joel: In a fog.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]
Crow: Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn.
Crow: Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]
Valeria: You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
Torque: Yes!
Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man?
Servo: Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.
Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
Joel [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?
Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now.
Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?
Valeria: You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
Torque: Yes!
Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man?
Servo: Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.
Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
Joel [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?
Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now.
Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]
Narrator: A dagger is placed into the ground—
Servo: A voice-over is placed into the script.
Narrator: A dagger is placed into the ground—
Servo: A voice-over is placed into the script.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A severed head rolls past]
Servo: Oh, it's a spare!
Crow: Gutter head.
Servo: Oh, it's a spare!
Crow: Gutter head.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]
Servo: [excited] Hey it's in color!
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Really bad music already, this is great.
. . .
Servo: Is this a Pink Panther movie?
Joel: No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.
Servo: Why would they use cartoons?
Joel: Uh, so astronauts could understand them.
Servo: [dubiously] Ah.
Servo: [excited] Hey it's in color!
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Really bad music already, this is great.
. . .
Servo: Is this a Pink Panther movie?
Joel: No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.
Servo: Why would they use cartoons?
Joel: Uh, so astronauts could understand them.
Servo: [dubiously] Ah.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]
Clementine: He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport.
Capt. Kemp: He's probably waiting at Moon City.
Clementine: Mmm, that's what the man said.
Servo [as Capt. Kemp]: Don't you listen to what the man says.
Clementine: He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport.
Capt. Kemp: He's probably waiting at Moon City.
Clementine: Mmm, that's what the man said.
Servo [as Capt. Kemp]: Don't you listen to what the man says.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]
Korminski: Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?!
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]: Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty!
. . .
[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]
Hubbard: That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?
Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]: [annoyed] He's from Barcelona.
Korminski: Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?!
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]: Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty!
. . .
[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]
Hubbard: That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?
Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]: [annoyed] He's from Barcelona.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]
Crow: Kaboom! would become Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!
Crow: Kaboom! would become Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]
Crow [as Penny]: Hey, who's the guy in the cage?
Servo [as Farmhand]: Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.
Crow [as Penny]: Hey, who's the guy in the cage?
Servo [as Farmhand]: Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a sock hop in their quarters.]
Joel: That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is.
Joel: That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Jane: Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song.
Crow: Maybe it's Aida.
Crow: Maybe it's Aida.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Bob Steele: That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name.
Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name.
Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Penny (blonde bombshell Mamie Van Doren) performs a calypso song and dance, backed by male dancers.]
Penny: Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!
Joel: What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?
Servo: I don't wanna know.
Penny: Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!
Joel: What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?
Servo: I don't wanna know.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]
Narrator: … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
Joel: Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
. . .
Narrator: … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…
Servo [as Narrator]: And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage!
Narrator: … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
Joel: Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
. . .
Narrator: … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…
Servo [as Narrator]: And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]
Hank: Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
Artur: Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.
[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]
Servo [as Artur]: I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.
Hank: Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
Artur: Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.
[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]
Servo [as Artur]: I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]
Hank: … I found something a lot more interesting!
Joel: Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
Crow: Only mounted. [N]
Hank: … I found something a lot more interesting!
Joel: Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
Crow: Only mounted. [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]
Dr. Velazco: But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First—
Servo [as Velazco]: We're small. We can run fast.
Dr. Velazco: Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
Crow [as Velazco]: And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point.
Dr. Velazco: But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First—
Servo [as Velazco]: We're small. We can run fast.
Dr. Velazco: Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
Crow [as Velazco]: And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]
Crow [as Tour Guide]: Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…
Servo [as Scorpion]: Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.
[The passengers flee the train.]
Joel [as Company Rep]: Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.
Crow [as Tour Guide]: Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…
Servo [as Scorpion]: Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.
[The passengers flee the train.]
Joel [as Company Rep]: Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]
Servo [as Astronaut]: Well...that could have gone better.
Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!
Crow [as Other Astronaut]: Nonsense!
Servo [as King Arthur]: Run away! Run away!
Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore!
[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]
Servo [as Shaggy]: Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!
Crow [as Mr. Wizard]: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!
Servo [as Mr. Wizard]: Time for zis vun to come home!
Servo [as Astronaut]: Well...that could have gone better.
Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!
Crow [as Other Astronaut]: Nonsense!
Servo [as King Arthur]: Run away! Run away!
Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore!
[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]
Servo [as Shaggy]: Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!
Crow [as Mr. Wizard]: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!
Servo [as Mr. Wizard]: Time for zis vun to come home!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]
Crow: Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets.
Crow: Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]
Joel: Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned?
Dr. Forrester: We couldn't get it!
Joel: Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned?
Dr. Forrester: We couldn't get it!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: I forget who did what here. I say, "Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out."
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: I forget who did what here. I say, "Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-SupermanGeorge Reeves) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]
Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.
Joel [as Mike]: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from foreign planet.
Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.
Joel [as Mike]: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from foreign planet.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]
Bob: [sarcastic] White goddess having trouble?
Crow: White fascist getting smart?
Bob: [sarcastic] White goddess having trouble?
Crow: White fascist getting smart?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Bob Draper: Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper.
Don Pringle: Don Pringle.
Crow [as Don]: Heir to the potato chip fortune.
Don Pringle: Don Pringle.
Crow [as Don]: Heir to the potato chip fortune.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the Catalina ferry Little Richard performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]
Crow: Little Richard? I hate impressionists!
. . .
Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this!
Joel: I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!
Crow: Little Richard: the one true talent in this film!
Crow: Little Richard? I hate impressionists!
. . .
Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this!
Joel: I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!
Crow: Little Richard: the one true talent in this film!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Katrina: His name is Angelo.
Servo: He's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Servo: He's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000