Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Jemaine: You abandoned me. You left me to die.
Bret: Well, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you were going to hassle me about it.

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
Bret: They want me in the threesome.
Jemaine: What?
Bret: Yeah.
Jemaine: Well, that's not a threesome, that's a foursome.
Bret: I don't know. I've never had a threesome.
Jemaine: I don't want you in my threesome. You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean "nearly"?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
Dave: No, that is super sensitive. I mean, that reminds me of when I saw a puppy being born. I mean, just to see it's little head just coming out of that dog's pussy... what an incredible moment, man. Beautiful.

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
Jemaine: [rapping] My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant. Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist but you lovely bitches and hos should know I'm trying to correct this.

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
Jemaine: You're so pretty, like a tree or a high-class prostitute.

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
Mel: Did you get raped? I know if I was a convict and a pretty boy like you were my cellmate, after lights out, I'd cover your mouth... [gets cut-off]

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
For quotes from the TV Series, see Flight of the Conchords (TV Series)

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
Bret: If there's one thing that we as a band want to deal with, it's the issues. Like--
Jemaine: That's just one of the things.
Bret: Yeah. Like, the future of the planet.
Jemaine: Yeah.
Bret: The future of my children. And my children's children, and--
Jemaine: Well, you know--
Bret: My children's children's children, you know.
Jemaine: Actually, Bret. When I think about your children, and your children's children, I actually think your children are too young to be having children. And as far as your children's children's children, I think, you know, where does it stop? When the--When the children are having children, you know, it's just--how small are they going to get? It's going to be--
Bret: Too small.
Jemaine: Too small.
Bret: Too small.
Jemaine: Exactly.
Bret: That's one of the issues. And--
Jemaine: It's just going to get into this ridiculous Russian doll situation.
Bret: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Jemaine: Have you met my kid? Have you met their little kids? And then, it's just going to be--Hmm. Well in some ways, I think your children aren't going to be affected by a lot of things that affect other children. Because your children... aren't real.
Bret: Yeah, yeah, okay, but--
Jemaine: Do you see the distinction?
Bret: Yeah, yeah, sure. But they still have issues, that don't get taken seriously. And they have to deal with all the imaginary stuff, like rogue unicorns, for example. You know.
Jemaine: Okay, so--there's lots of things that I haven't thought about, I guess. So, sorry.
Bret: Yeah. My wife and I weren't able to have children, so we chose to imagine them. The doctor suggested it. And it's actually been incredibly rewarding, you know.

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
Bret: There was a bit in that song where we were dealing with the issue of AIDS. The bit with the monkeys.
Jemaine: Yeah because it was believed that AIDS was contracted from the monkeys. Not the band but the animal. And we just wanted to deal with that issue--just a couple of points. Just changing the attitude towards AIDS from being "Eww AIDSy" to more like "Ohh! Fun monkey disease."

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
Bret: This is the DG20.
Jemaine: We got this from a pawn shop in the future.

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
Interviewer: So what's the coolest thing about living in America?
Clement: People are friendly.
McKenzie: Paying taxes to George Bush is a real treat.
Clement: What Bret means to say is the people are friendly.

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords
Clement: We're Flight of the Conchords, from New Zealand.
McKenzie: I dunno if you guys know much about New Zealand, but, uh, a few years ago we invented something we call hip-hop.
Clement: 2001?
McKenzie: Do you remember when we invented hip-hop that day, with Steve?
Clement: At the barbecue?.. these guys are the funniest people?

TV Show: Flight of the Conchords