Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]
Servo: Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him.
Servo: Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Local yokel Jed Harper wanders through the misty, jungle-like woods at night.]
Servo: [singing to "Theme from 'The Beverly Hillbillies'"]Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
Then one day, he was shootin' at some food...
[Suddenly, Jed spots Wolfman Petro, who also spies him through the mist.]
Joel: [singing] And up from the swamp came a big, ugly dude.
Servo: Wolfman, that is.
Joel: Black teeth.
Joel, Servo: Gnarled face.
[Petro begins to advance on Jed, who turns and flees.]
Servo: [singing]Well, the next thing ya know, ol' Jed's really scared.
The kinfolks said, "Jed, get away from there!"
Said, "My cabin is the place I oughta be!"
So he loaded up his drawers and told his family.
Servo: [singing to "Theme from 'The Beverly Hillbillies'"]Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
Then one day, he was shootin' at some food...
[Suddenly, Jed spots Wolfman Petro, who also spies him through the mist.]
Joel: [singing] And up from the swamp came a big, ugly dude.
Servo: Wolfman, that is.
Joel: Black teeth.
Joel, Servo: Gnarled face.
[Petro begins to advance on Jed, who turns and flees.]
Servo: [singing]Well, the next thing ya know, ol' Jed's really scared.
The kinfolks said, "Jed, get away from there!"
Said, "My cabin is the place I oughta be!"
So he loaded up his drawers and told his family.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Prof. Blaine: Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!
Joel: Tell that to the NFL!
Joel: Tell that to the NFL!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]
Servo: Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!
Servo: Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]
Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.
Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]
Joel: Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back!
[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]
Crow [as Lorenz]: Thank you, I love cake!
Joel: Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back!
[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]
Crow [as Lorenz]: Thank you, I love cake!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]
Servo [as Landshark]: Landshark.
. . .
[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]
Joel [as Landshark]: Candygram.
. . .
[The two women hear another knock at the door.]
Servo [as Landshark]: Pizza delivery.
Servo [as Landshark]: Landshark.
. . .
[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]
Joel [as Landshark]: Candygram.
. . .
[The two women hear another knock at the door.]
Servo [as Landshark]: Pizza delivery.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]
Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.
Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]
Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: Now you might feel a little sting...
[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]
Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: OK, a big sting.
Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: Now you might feel a little sting...
[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]
Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: OK, a big sting.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[during the RAM chip segment]
Crow: Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants!
Joel: [chuckles] OK...and a bad thing?
Crow: They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!
Joel: [impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip!
Crow: Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants!
Joel: [chuckles] OK...and a bad thing?
Crow: They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!
Joel: [impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]
Owner: No dancing, not allowed.
Joel: This is just like Footloose.
Owner: No dancing, not allowed.
Joel: This is just like Footloose.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]
Crow [as Owner]: No acting, not allowed.
. . .
Crow [as Owner]: No acting, not allowed.
. . .
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]
Owner: No rats.
Joel [as Owner]: Unless they're on the menu.
Owner: No rats.
Joel [as Owner]: Unless they're on the menu.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]
Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?
Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity.
Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?
Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]
Marta: Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?
Paul: "Stacked"?
Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart.
Marta: Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?
Paul: "Stacked"?
Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Police Officer: Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening?
Crow [as Officer]: The sound of one hand clapping?
Crow [as Officer]: The sound of one hand clapping?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a geiger counter.]
Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
Joel: Must be a talent meter.
Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
Joel: Must be a talent meter.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]
Ro-Man: Humans! Listen to me! Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.
Joel [as Ro-Man]: We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you.
Ro-Man: Humans! Listen to me! Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.
Joel [as Ro-Man]: We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]
Ro-Man: And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative.
Crow: He's so negative!
Ro-Man: And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative.
Crow: He's so negative!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]
Joel: Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does.
Servo: Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts.
Joel: Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does.
Servo: Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]
Joel: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case.
Joel: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]
Catherine: Hurry, this way!
Crow: Oh, like you know where you're going!
Catherine: Hurry, this way!
Crow: Oh, like you know where you're going!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]
Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!
Servo [as Ro-Man]: Me-man?
Ro-Man: Yes. [distressed] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!
Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.
Joel [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?
Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law!
Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!
Servo [as Ro-Man]: Me-man?
Ro-Man: Yes. [distressed] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!
Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.
Joel [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?
Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Johnny: I think you're just a big bully, picking on people smaller than you are!
[Short pause.]
Ro-Man: Now I will kill you.
[Short pause.]
Ro-Man: Now I will kill you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]
Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
Crow: Hip? Not. Ick!
Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
Crow: Hip? Not. Ick!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]
Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".
Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.
Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".
Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]
Tolliver: Genius waits for no one!
Crow: But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.
. . .
[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]
Tolliver: I… I've never seen anything like it!
Servo: Even in Tijuana!
. . .
[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]
Joel: Lookit — they're all on their way to a George Romerofilm festival!
Tolliver: Genius waits for no one!
Crow: But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.
. . .
[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]
Tolliver: I… I've never seen anything like it!
Servo: Even in Tijuana!
. . .
[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]
Joel: Lookit — they're all on their way to a George Romerofilm festival!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000