Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]
Crow: Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people.
Crow: Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]
Professor Bueller: Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.
Servo [as Bueller]: Oh, and you must have a wire rack.
Professor Bueller: Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.
Servo [as Bueller]: Oh, and you must have a wire rack.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]
Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!
Joel [as Dr. Murase]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
Dr. Murase: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.
General: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.
Servo [as Murase]: Because Kenny said so.
Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!
Joel [as Dr. Murase]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
Dr. Murase: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.
General: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.
Servo [as Murase]: Because Kenny said so.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]
Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers...
Crow [as Newsman]: ... and Kenny...
Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers...
Crow [as Newsman]: ... and Kenny...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Murase: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.
Servo: More Gamera movies?
Servo: More Gamera movies?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]
Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.
Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Servo finishes a song about Tibby the turtle]
Crow: Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?
Crow: Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the public domain karaoke machine]
Dr. Forrester: For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
TV's Frank: People vomit?
Dr. Forrester: For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
TV's Frank: People vomit?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Your movie today is Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]
Crow: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.
Crow: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]
Hunter #1: What the hell is that?
Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
Crow: A pear?
Hunter #1: What the hell is that?
Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
Crow: A pear?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]
Crow: Oh, what is he, an L.A. Cop?
Crow: Oh, what is he, an L.A. Cop?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]
Rick: It stinks!
Rick: It stinks!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]
Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.
Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?
Joel [as Adman]: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.
Crow: And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?
Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.
Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?
Joel [as Adman]: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.
Crow: And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]
Servo: Syntho-birds.
Crow: Hey, it's a Casio forest.
Joel: They parked next to a data stream.
Servo: Syntho-birds.
Crow: Hey, it's a Casio forest.
Joel: They parked next to a data stream.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]
Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!
Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tommy: You know what "play" means, Trumpy?
Crow [as Trumpy]: Yes, it's where I break you in half.
Crow [as Trumpy]: Yes, it's where I break you in half.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]
Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.
Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.
Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.
Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]
Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.
. . .
Tommy: You can do magic things!
[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]
Crow [as Trumpy]: It's called "evil", kid.
Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes.
Crow: Orphan Annie eyes.
Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.
. . .
Tommy: You can do magic things!
[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]
Crow [as Trumpy]: It's called "evil", kid.
Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes.
Crow: Orphan Annie eyes.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]
Crow [as Molly]: Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer.
Crow [as Molly]: Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: Meanwhile, in another movie? [sighs] Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tommy's mother: Tommy, can you hear me?
Joel [as Tommy's mother]: Can you feel me near you?
Joel [as Tommy's mother]: Can you feel me near you?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]
Servo: Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting.
Servo: Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]
Servo: D is for damned, as in "Village Of".
. . .
Crow [as dancing boy/Hitler]: You vill dance with me, Eva!
Servo: D is for damned, as in "Village Of".
. . .
Crow [as dancing boy/Hitler]: You vill dance with me, Eva!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]
Servo [as giraffe]: I want a Clark bar.
Servo [as giraffe]: I want a Clark bar.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]
Joel: I is for Ike. He hides inside.
Joel: I is for Ike. He hides inside.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large ice cream cone is seen]
Joel: Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone.
. . .
[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]
Joel: And there's Elvis now.
. . .
[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]
Servo: [before the narrator can talk] N is for float... huh?
Joel: Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone.
. . .
[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]
Joel: And there's Elvis now.
. . .
[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]
Servo: [before the narrator can talk] N is for float... huh?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]
Servo: Ah, and there's Louie Anderson.
Servo: Ah, and there's Louie Anderson.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: O is for once...
Servo: "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike?
. . .
[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]
Servo: O is for the obscene treatment of animals.
. . .
Joel: P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this.
Servo: "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike?
. . .
[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]
Servo: O is for the obscene treatment of animals.
. . .
Joel: P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!
Joel [as Narrator]: P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash! [N]
Joel [as Narrator]: P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000