Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes


Reggie: It's like a million to one shot that we'll ever be seen
Crow T. Robot: Oh, they're on Comedy Central.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Reverend: George wanted to go to the funeral...
Crow: But Baywatch was on.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Richie Havens-Sounding Guy: [singing] Sashay sashay through the sarcasm...
Crow: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm *really* sashaying through the sarcasm.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Ryder: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.
Tom Servo: Well, anyway, got that out of my system.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Satoris: Why don't you ask your friend when he arrives?
Crow: Ha. The joke's on you. I don't have any friends.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Scientist in movie: Can I show you something?
Tom Servo: It's under my uniform...

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Scientist in movie: Oh no...
Crow: The thing we're looking for is COMING, oh no...

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Scientist in movie: The whole mountain is blowing up under us!
Tom Servo: The model doesn't look to good either.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Scientist in movie: You are a cynical, suspicious man.
Crow T. Robot: No I'm not! Who told you that?

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Sergi: There's an unidentified object up ahead.
Crow T. Robot: What is it?

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo: Hm, signed copy of the Necromonican there.
Mike Nelson: "You guys scare me, ha ha ha. Signed, Satan."

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo: Macho, macho, macho robot. There's no question I'm a macho guy. Hey! Whoa, excuse me, miss. Say, I've never noticed you on the satellite before. Hahaha. I'm Tom Servo, man about satellite. Sure, I may look small, but I'm built like a Quisinar. Really. You know, don't think me forward miss, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got 11 settings. You know, you're kinda quiet, and I like that in a woman! Too many of the gals I've known just like to rub exotic oils on me and fan me and... Which is okay, I guess, but I need a change. I need a woman more my speed and I happened to notice, you've got 11 of 'em. Wait, I must've offended you. You're blushing! No? That's juice, I think. You know, I've always found juice in the head to be quite a turn-on, my little scientific calculator, you. Hahahaha. Ever gotten a wild hair and just filled your head with guacamole for the hell of it? If you're the kinda girl who throws caution to the wind, if you know what I mean. And if you do, will you please tell me? Hahahaha. Hey, I see you've still got a power cord! An old-fashioned gal. I like that. I like a good tail on a woman. Hahahaha. Pardon me, I know I've been coming on a little bit strong, but I love your lines. You've got classic features! Crush, grate, chop, puree... Baby, you've got it all! Haha. Excu- And a lovely singing voice, too! Baby, you do got it all! Joel, I'm in love! Buddy...
Joel: What do you mean, Servo?
Servo: Joel, Joel... My God, man! You've defiled my honor! Nobody drinks from my gal. The gall has been thrown!
Joel: Hey uh, Servo, it's a blender.
Servo: Oh. Excuse me, miss. You know, you've got beautiful... Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee. I'm so embarassed!

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Sheriff: What kind of horse did he ride Mr. Cooper?
Dr. Forrester: It was just a head and a stick. It was weird.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Shop student: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
Mike Nelson: Then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood.
Shop student: I like the smell of fresh woodchips and sawdust.
Tom Servo: I put them in my underwear.
Shop student: The bright glare of a welder.
Crow T. Robot: I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw.
Shop student: The sharp whine of a power tool.
Mike Nelson: The piercing scream of a freshman.
Shop student: Or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Crow T. Robot: Rat-a-tat-tat - I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Singer: [as a song plays, a greasy cook watches] Everything I touch turns to gold...
Crow: So what happens when you touch gold?
Tom Servo: Everything I touch turns to flies.
Mike Nelson: Wolfgang Puck's sad demise.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Sister Ann: DRIVE! DRIVE
Crow T. Robot: Look, I'm already driving, there's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! If you want me to go faster, you should say so.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Sister Ann: Let's do this thing.
Tom Servo: What? Here? Now? I mean, I want to do it, but WOW!

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Son: I thought he had more of a personal interest in me because he knew you.
Dad: Nonsense.
Joel: He hated you.
Dad: Harry worked that hard with every man he ever hired.
Crow T. Robot: He got sent to jail for it.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Stewardess: Welcome aboard.
Crow T. Robot: You're in the part of the plane that falls off.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Teacher: At school the other kids make fun of him. They think he's strange.
Tom Servo: Yeah, kids are perceptive that way.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Teenage boy: Mr. Miller, is something wrong?
Crow: Sit down, pie-face. It's a long list.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

The Great Vorelli: Hugo, walk to the footlights...
Crow: Like an egyptian.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

The Great Vorelli: Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger, that he may die at any moment.
Crow: Your life is in danger and you may die at many moment. Thank you.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

The Great Vorelli: You'll never win, you'll always lose.
Crow: You're Harold Stassen.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Thug: They are aware of our plans.
Crow: I got... sort of... chatty.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Tiger: Pretty weird, huh?
Mike Nelson: Yeah. Too bad it's not in the same movie.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Tom: Maybe this is a chick film and we just don't get it.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Troy: Rowsdower, have you always been a...
Tom Servo: Hopeless drunk?
Troy: Drifter?

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Troy: Rowsdower, were you always a drifter?
Rowsdower: No.
Troy: What were you before?
Mike Nelson: A Chippendales dancer.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Woman: But you're right, I probably read about it.
Tom Servo: In the script.

TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000