How I Met Your Mother Quotes
Ted: You're not... Moby, are you?
Not Moby: Who?
Robin: The recording artist, Moby.
Not Moby: Oh, no.
Barney: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?
Not Moby: Oh, I thought you said Tony.
Ted: So your name's Tony?
Not Moby: No.
Not Moby: Who?
Robin: The recording artist, Moby.
Not Moby: Oh, no.
Barney: Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?
Not Moby: Oh, I thought you said Tony.
Ted: So your name's Tony?
Not Moby: No.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Marshall and Lily argue about their plans for an ideal wedding]
Marshall: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
Lily: But I'm the bride. So, I win.
Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.
Lily: Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.
Marshall: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
Lily: But I'm the bride. So, I win.
Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.
Lily: Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Lily takes Barney aside at MacLaren's after she sees him trying to seduce Claudia, who just called off the wedding with Stuart]
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
Lily: [thinks about it] One of each!
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
Lily: [thinks about it] One of each!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: [to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?
Ted: I had the most...amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."
Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."
Ted: I had the most...amazing night ever.
Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."
Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Victoria: Why don't we just... dance. And have a great time. And when it's over, never see each other again.
Ted: Unless-
Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, we'll make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this moment... and it'll be perfect.
Ted: Wow... Okay I'm in.
Victoria: [enthusiastically] Okay!
Ted: I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?
Victoria: Um... you can call me Buttercup. [Ted and "Buttercup" shake hands]
Ted: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm... Lando Calrissian. [Victoria laughs] Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-
Barney: [with bridesmaid on his arm] Hey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.
Ted: [to Victoria] So I'm Ted.
Victoria: Victoria.
Ted: Unless-
Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, we'll make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this moment... and it'll be perfect.
Ted: Wow... Okay I'm in.
Victoria: [enthusiastically] Okay!
Ted: I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?
Victoria: Um... you can call me Buttercup. [Ted and "Buttercup" shake hands]
Ted: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm... Lando Calrissian. [Victoria laughs] Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-
Barney: [with bridesmaid on his arm] Hey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.
Ted: [to Victoria] So I'm Ted.
Victoria: Victoria.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Marshall: [to Ted] Two days straight?
Lily: Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage.
Lily: Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: [in the laser tag arena] Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!
Robin: See you on the other side.
Both: Yaahhhhh! Charging!
[Both got shot]
Barney: Damn, do you wanna get a soft pretzel?
Robin: Yeah.
Robin: See you on the other side.
Both: Yaahhhhh! Charging!
[Both got shot]
Barney: Damn, do you wanna get a soft pretzel?
Robin: Yeah.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Victoria: I've only had two boyfriends before, Ted.
Robin: Prude alert!
Victoria: Well, two serious ones. I’ve dated others in between.
Robin: Slut alert!
Robin: Prude alert!
Victoria: Well, two serious ones. I’ve dated others in between.
Robin: Slut alert!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of "Truth or Dare", a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.
Marshall: [staring goggle-eyed at Victoria] That is the greatest story ever!
Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.
Victoria: OK, it involves a game of "Truth or Dare", a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparent's retirement community.
Future Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. Don't worry, it wasn't that great.
Marshall: [staring goggle-eyed at Victoria] That is the greatest story ever!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: [Trying on wedding dresses] Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Bilson: Nice tie! Steak sauce!
Office Jerk: Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!
[Marshall looks for a stain on his tie]
Barney: Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.
Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. It’s 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.
Marshall: I don’t have a back door.
Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: Right, well, I’m engaged.
Office Jerk: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: We’re still engaged.
Bilson: Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!
Office Jerk: Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!
[Marshall looks for a stain on his tie]
Barney: Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce. A1? Get it? Try to keep up.
Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, let's get to work. It’s 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.
Marshall: I don’t have a back door.
Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: Right, well, I’m engaged.
Office Jerk: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!
Marshall: We’re still engaged.
Bilson: Ok, fiancée is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Marshall: I want to give you the package.
Lily: The package? You’ve already given me the package. You’ve got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you’ve got a huge package!
[Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishly]
Lily: The package? You’ve already given me the package. You’ve got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.
Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.
Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you’ve got a huge package!
[Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishly]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Little girl: Do you have a fiancée?
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancée.
Robin: Oh no, I don’t have a fiancée.
Little girl: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I’ve got five dogs.
Little girl: Don’t you get lonely?
Robin: No, I’ve got five dogs.
Little girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yeah, that’s cats, I’m not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady – does anybody else have questions?
Little boy: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancée.
Robin: Oh no, I don’t have a fiancée.
Little girl: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I’ve got five dogs.
Little girl: Don’t you get lonely?
Robin: No, I’ve got five dogs.
Little girl: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yeah, that’s cats, I’m not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady – does anybody else have questions?
Little boy: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Sandy Rivers: [to Robin] We should have sex!
Robin: What?!?!
Rivers: Why not, we’re both available, we’re both attractive, we’re both good at it, at least I’m good at it, and even if you’re not, don’t worry, I’ll have a good time either way.
Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don’t get involved with people I work with.
Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex! Having sex is fun! [he gives her his card and their news show starts] Phone number, call me anytime. [reads teleprompter] A lot of teams in action tonight...
Robin: What?!?!
Rivers: Why not, we’re both available, we’re both attractive, we’re both good at it, at least I’m good at it, and even if you’re not, don’t worry, I’ll have a good time either way.
Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don’t get involved with people I work with.
Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex! Having sex is fun! [he gives her his card and their news show starts] Phone number, call me anytime. [reads teleprompter] A lot of teams in action tonight...
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: [To Ted] Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it’s the world’s oldest profession.
Marshall: Do you really think that’s true?
Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You’ve been lawyered!
Marshall: Do you really think that’s true?
Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.
Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You’ve been lawyered!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Mary, I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute.
Mary: No Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: You're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: No, you're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: [pause] You're a paralegal.
Mary: No Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: You're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: No, you're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: [pause] You're a paralegal.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Wow, you're really going with one Barney's ideas. You must be desperate.
Lily: I've got a wedding to plan in nine weeks for 200 people. I'd agree to almost anything right now.
Barney: [smiles lecherously] Hey, Lily...
Lily: No, Barney.
Lily: I've got a wedding to plan in nine weeks for 200 people. I'd agree to almost anything right now.
Barney: [smiles lecherously] Hey, Lily...
Lily: No, Barney.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: [She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?
Barney: [Looks up] Horrible.
Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad.
Barney: You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." Now ladies...SLUT UP!
Barney: [Looks up] Horrible.
Lily: You're gonna make such a great dad.
Barney: You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." Now ladies...SLUT UP!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Wendy the Waitress: Be careful, the plate is very hot!
Ted: Oh go on, touch it.
Lily: [touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that’s a hot plate!
Ted: Oh go on, touch it.
Lily: [touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that’s a hot plate!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Lily admits to Ted about the arts program and how it could derail her and Marshall's wedding]
Lily: There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And damn it, I made no mistakes. I've done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes-free. Does any of this make sense to you?
Ted: I don't know, you said 'mistake' a lot.
Lily: There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And damn it, I made no mistakes. I've done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes-free. Does any of this make sense to you?
Ted: I don't know, you said 'mistake' a lot.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Marshall: Where does this girl live?
Robin: We're talking about a girl who got Barney Stinson to actually commit… I'm guessing Narnia.
Robin: We're talking about a girl who got Barney Stinson to actually commit… I'm guessing Narnia.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted and Barney are in a library trying to recruit Barney's friend Penelope for a rain dance]
Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?
Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us but we did have a relationship.
Penelope: We had sex in your car twice and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?
Barney: Twice!
Penelope: [loudly] Barney, there is no way I'm- [student shushes her]
Barney: Seriously, come on.
Ted: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.
Penelope: Why?
Ted: There's this girl-
Penelope: Oh, there's this girl! You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.
Ted: But this is the girl I love! If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy!
Penelope: This wrong guy. Is he a huge jackass?
Ted: Absolutely.
Penelope: Kinda like Barney?
Ted: Kinda.
Barney: Hey!!
Penelope: You hit on my mom!
Barney: We weren't exclusive!
Penelope: [To Ted] I'm in.
Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?
Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us but we did have a relationship.
Penelope: We had sex in your car twice and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?
Barney: Twice!
Penelope: [loudly] Barney, there is no way I'm- [student shushes her]
Barney: Seriously, come on.
Ted: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.
Penelope: Why?
Ted: There's this girl-
Penelope: Oh, there's this girl! You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.
Ted: But this is the girl I love! If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy!
Penelope: This wrong guy. Is he a huge jackass?
Ted: Absolutely.
Penelope: Kinda like Barney?
Ted: Kinda.
Barney: Hey!!
Penelope: You hit on my mom!
Barney: We weren't exclusive!
Penelope: [To Ted] I'm in.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted goes to Robin's apartment after the rains begin]
Ted: Robin! Hey!! Robin!!! Oh, thank God you're here!
Robin: My camping trip got rained out!
Ted: I know, I'm sorry.
Robin: It's not your fault.
Ted: Yeah, it is. Come down here.
Robin: But it's pouring! You come up!
Ted: No, you have to come down here!
Robin: Why?
Ted: Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN!!! That's what I did today!!! And that's enough! I..I've done my part, now GET DOWN HERE!!!
Robin: I'm not dressed, Ted! Come up!
Ted: I'm not coming up there, Robin. I'm not. You HAVE to come down here!
[Robin contemplates going outside, looks at the blue French horn Ted gave her, and decides to go outside. She opens her door to find Ted.]
Robin: I was gonna...
Ted: I know. [Ted and Robin kiss]
Ted: Robin! Hey!! Robin!!! Oh, thank God you're here!
Robin: My camping trip got rained out!
Ted: I know, I'm sorry.
Robin: It's not your fault.
Ted: Yeah, it is. Come down here.
Robin: But it's pouring! You come up!
Ted: No, you have to come down here!
Robin: Why?
Ted: Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN!!! That's what I did today!!! And that's enough! I..I've done my part, now GET DOWN HERE!!!
Robin: I'm not dressed, Ted! Come up!
Ted: I'm not coming up there, Robin. I'm not. You HAVE to come down here!
[Robin contemplates going outside, looks at the blue French horn Ted gave her, and decides to go outside. She opens her door to find Ted.]
Robin: I was gonna...
Ted: I know. [Ted and Robin kiss]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Marshall and Lily talk about Lily's program in San Francisco]
Marshall: So that's it? We're breaking up?
Lily: Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is if...if we don't talk for a while.
Marshall: For a while. Try never, okay? You walk out of that door, and we're done. You're never going to hear my voice again! [segue to Marshall talking to Ted] I should call her.
Ted: No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.
Marshall: You're a good friend, Ted.
Marshall: So that's it? We're breaking up?
Lily: Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is if...if we don't talk for a while.
Marshall: For a while. Try never, okay? You walk out of that door, and we're done. You're never going to hear my voice again! [segue to Marshall talking to Ted] I should call her.
Ted: No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.
Marshall: You're a good friend, Ted.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Robin complains about Marshall's depression after Lily leaves him.]
Robin: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating, we agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.
Barney: Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!
Robin: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating, we agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.
Barney: Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.
Robin: You're on.
Ted: Five AMERICAN bucks.
Robin: Dammit!
Robin: You're on.
Ted: Five AMERICAN bucks.
Robin: Dammit!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Future Ted: The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.
Waiter: Morning, guys! What can I getcha?
Lily: Shhhhhh.....bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake.
Waiter: For you, sir?
Ted: Uggh....gravy.
Waiter: Do you want that gravy on something?
Ted: ...Surprise me.
Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good!
Lily: What are you so chirpy about?
Ted: She's still drunk from last night.
Robin: I don't think so! [looks around, then shakes her chest] WOOOO!
Waiter: Morning, guys! What can I getcha?
Lily: Shhhhhh.....bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake.
Waiter: For you, sir?
Ted: Uggh....gravy.
Waiter: Do you want that gravy on something?
Ted: ...Surprise me.
Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good!
Lily: What are you so chirpy about?
Ted: She's still drunk from last night.
Robin: I don't think so! [looks around, then shakes her chest] WOOOO!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney is taking Ted's father to MacLaren's]
Ted's mother: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.
Barney: St. Peter's, 8: 45 AM. It's my favorite service.
Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?
Ted's mother: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.
Barney: St. Peter's, 8: 45 AM. It's my favorite service.
Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother