Monty Python's Flying Circus Quotes

'Probe' Presenter: I think we're getting pictures now from Algon itself, and it looks as though, YES, the satellite has found a bird - the probe has struck crumpet. And she looks pretty good, too.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Announcer: And now for something completely different.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
BBC Announcer: [BBC1 World symbol appears] Here is a preview of some of the programmes you'll be able to see coming shortly on BBC Television. To kick off with there's variety... [cut to still picture of Peter West and Brian Johnston]
BBC Announcer: Peter West and Brian Johnston star in "Rain Stopped Play", a whacky new comedy series about the gay exploits of two television cricket commentators [cut to photo of E. W. Swanton]
BBC Announcer: with E. W. Swanton as Aggie the kooky Scots maid. For those of you who don't like variety, there's variety, with Brian Close at the Talk of the Town. [cut to picture of Brian Close in cricket whites on a stage]
BBC Announcer: And of course there'll be sport. The Classics series [cut to engraving of London and caption: "The Classics"]
BBC Announcer: return to BBC 2 with twenty-six episodes of John Galsworthy's "Snooker My Way" [cut to composite photo of Nyree Dawn Porter holding a snooker cue]
BBC Announcer: with Nyree Dawn Porter repeating her triumph as Joe Davis. And of course there'll be sport. Comedy is not forgotten [cut to Caption: "Comedy"]
BBC Announcer: with Jim Laker [cut to photo of Laker]
BBC Announcer: in "Thirteen Weeks of Off-spin Bowling". Jim plays the zany bachelor bowler in a new series of "Owzat", with Anneley Brummond-Haye on Mr Softee [cut to photo of same]
BBC Announcer: as his wife. And of course there'll be sport. "Panorama" will be returning, introduced [cut to "Panorama" caption with photo of Tony Jacklin]
BBC Announcer: as usual by Tony Jacklin, and Lulu [cut to photo of Lulu]
BBC Announcer: will be tackling the Old Man of Hoy [cut to photo of same]
BBC Announc

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Cardinal Ximinez: Nobody expects the Sp - [THE END appears on screen]
Cardinal Ximinez: Oh, bugger!

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: I saw your add in the "Bolour" Supplement.
Bounder: The what?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: The Bolour Suppliment.
Bounder: The Colour Supplement.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: Yes, I'm sorry, I can't say the letter B.
Bounder: C?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: Yes, that's right. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a "sbool" boy. I was attacked by a bat.
Bounder: A cat?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much: No, a bat.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
T.F. Gumby: Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR! [he bangs on a bell violently, eventually smashing it, as well as the desk and everything on it]
Dr. Gumby: [enter Dr. Gumby] Hello!
T.F. Gumby: Are you the brain specialist?
Dr. Gumby: [thinks for a moment] Hello!
T.F. Gumby: Are you the brain specialist?
Dr. Gumby: No. No, I am not the brain specialist. No I am not. Yes! Yes I am!
T.F. Gumby: My brain hurts!
Dr. Gumby: Well, let's take a look at it, Mr. Gumby. [begins to lift Gumby's sweater]
T.F. Gumby: No, no, no, my brain in my head.
Dr. Gumby: [thumps him on the head] It will have to come out.
T.F. Gumby: What? Out of my head?
Dr. Gumby: Yes. All the bits of it.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Bevis: I always preferred the outdoor life…hunting…shooting…fishing…getting out there with a gun and slaughtering a few of God’s creatures.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Surgeon: Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Interviewer: Minister, in your plan, "A Better Britain For Us", you promised to build 88 thousand million billion houses a year in the greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last 15 years.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Pepperpot #1: I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.
Interviewer: Yes, we find that 9 out of 10 British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo Butter and a dead crab.
Various Pepperpots: It's true… We can't… No.
Pepperpot #2: Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?
Interviewer: [humbly] Yes, yes…
Pepperpot #2: He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo Butter from a dead crab.
Various Pepperpots: Yeah, yeah.
Pepperpot #3: You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.
Pepperpot #4: [quietly] Yeah, with a razor.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Interviewer: Get your own arts programme, you fairy!

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Reporter: This morning, shortly after 11: 00, comedy struck this little house on Dibley Road. Sudden...violent...comedy.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Voiceover: It was a fantastic success. Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke [Cut to stock footage of Neville Chamberlain returning from Munich and holding up the Munich Agreement, the "this is peace in our time"-bit.], and one which Hitler just couldn't match.
[Cut to stock footage of Hitler giving a speech.]
Hitler: [subtitle] My dog's got no nose!
Soldier: [subtitle] How does he smell?
Hitler: [subtitle] Awful!

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Narrator: In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Ken: I'll tell you what's wrong with you: your head's addled with novels and poems! You come home reeking of Chateau L'Auteur! And look what you've done to mother! She's worn out from meeting film stars, attending premieres, and giving gala luncheons!
Dad: THERE'S NAUGHT WRONG WITH GALA LUNCHES, LAD! I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners! [grabs arm and screams]
Mum: Oh no!
Ken: What is it?
Mum: Oh, it's his writer's cramp!
Ken: You never told me about this...
Mum: No, we didn't like to, Kenny.
Dad: I'm all right! I'm all right, woman. Just get him out of here.
Mum: Oh Ken! You'd better go ...
Ken: All right. I'm going.
Dad: After all we've done for him...
Ken: One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture... There's dirt, and smoke, and good honest sweat!
Dad: Get out! Get out! Get OUT! You ... LABOURER!

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Announcer: And the results of Epilogue: God exists by two falls to a submission.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Arthur Nudge: Eh? know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, say no more, say no more!
Man: Look, are you insinuating something?
Arthur Nudge: Oh, no no no no... yes.
Man: Well?
Arthur Nudge: Well, you're a man of the world, squire... you've been there, you've been around.
Man: What do you mean?
Arthur Nudge: Well, I mean, you've done it... you've slept... with a lady.
Man: Yes.
Arthur Nudge: What's it like?

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Superman One: Oh look... is it a stockbroker?
Superman Two: Is it a quantity Surveyor?
Superman Three: Is it a church warden?
All Supermen: NO! It's Bicycle Repair Man!

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Teacher: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the raspberry-laden foe but also the raspberries.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Colonel: Watkins, why did you join the army?
Watkins: For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: "no killing".
Colonel: Watkins, are you a pacifist?
Watkins: No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir: I'm a coward.
Colonel: [disgusted] That's a very silly line. Sit down!

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Encyclopedia Salesman: Burglar! [rings again] Burglar!
[woman appears at other side of door]
Woman: Yes?
Encyclopedia Salesman: Burglar, madam.
Woman: What do you want?
Encyclopedia Salesman: I want to come in and steal a few things, madam.
Woman: Are you an encyclopaedia salesman?
Encyclopedia Salesman: No madam, I'm a burglar, I burgle people.
Woman: I think you're an encyclopaedia salesman.
Encyclopedia Salesman: Oh I'm not, open the door, let me in please.
Woman: If I let you in you'll sell me encyclopaedias.
Encyclopedia Salesman: I won't, madam. I just want to come in and ransack the flat. Honestly.
Woman: Promise? No encyclopaedias?
Encyclopedia Salesman: None at all.
Woman: All right. [she opens door] You'd better come in then.
Encyclopedia Salesman: Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopaedias... You know, they can really do you wonders.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Policeman: I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed and trained to sniff out certain substances but is also a junkie.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Mr. Figgis: Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties ...I'm sorry ... Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats, why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-Von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwurstle-gerspurten-mit-zwei-macheluber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shoenendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Superintendant Praline: Now, this item, "Crunchy Frog". Am I to understand there's a real frog in here?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: Yes, a little one.
Superintendant Praline: What sort of frog?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: A dead frog.
Superintendant Praline: Is it cooked?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: No.
Superintendant Praline: What, a raw frog?!
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Superintendant Praline: That's as may be — it's still a frog! Do you even take the bones out?
Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Police officer: A blancmange, eh?
Woman: That's right. I was just playing a game of doubles with Sandra, Jocasta, Alec and David, when...
Police Officer: Hold on. That's five. Five people! How'd you play doubles with five people? Sounds a bit funny if you ask me, playing doubles with five people!
Woman: Well, we often play like that. Jocasta plays on the side, receiving service. It helps to speed the game up and make it a lot faster, and Jocasta isn't left out.
Police Officer: Look, are you asking me to believe that the five of you was playing doubles, while on the very next court there was a blancmange playing by itself?
Woman: That's right.
Police Officer: Well, answer me this, then: Why didn't Jocasta play the blancmange at singles, while you and Sandra and Alec and David played a proper game of doubles with four people?
Woman: Because Jocasta always plays with us! She's a friend of ours!
Police Officer: Call that friendship? Messing up a perfectly good game of doubles?
Woman: It's not messing it up, officer! We like to play with five!
Police Officer: Look, it's your affair if you want to play with five people, but don't go calling it doubles! At Wimbledon, if Fred Stolle and Tony Roche played Charlie Passarell and Cliff DrysdaleandPeaches Bartkowicz, they woudn't go calling it doubles!
Woman: Well, what about the blancmange?
Police Officer: That could play Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband, Pip!

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
[to a man whose wife has been eaten alive by a blancmange]
Detective Inspector: I think what's happened is terribly, terribly funny... er, tragic!

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Mr. Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies! It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
[Mr Salzburg has just fired two of his writers for his new film, and is closing in on another one]
Mr Salzburg: You!
Writer #4: Ah, well, I... I think it's an excellent idea!
Mr. Salzburg: Are you a yes man?
Writer #4: No! I mean, I have a few things against it!
Mr. Salzburg: So you think it's lousy!
Writer #4: No, no! I mean, it takes time!
Writer #4: No! Yes! Perhaps! [runs out the door]

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Woman: I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off.

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Bevis: I didn't want to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!

TV Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus