How I Met Your Mother Quotes
Robin: Look at those girls, Lily. Look at them and listen to what their "woos" are really saying.
Woman #1: Woooo!
Subtitle: I cry in the shower!
Woman #2: Woooo!
Subtitle: I've never been on a second date!
Jillian: Woooo!
Subtitle: What if I never get to be a mother?!
Woman #3: Woooo!
Subtitle: I'm secretly in love with Jillian!
[Woman #3 looks admiringly at Jillian]
Ted: Woooo!
Subtitle: My career and love life are heading nowhere!
Woman #1: Woooo!
Subtitle: I cry in the shower!
Woman #2: Woooo!
Subtitle: I've never been on a second date!
Jillian: Woooo!
Subtitle: What if I never get to be a mother?!
Woman #3: Woooo!
Subtitle: I'm secretly in love with Jillian!
[Woman #3 looks admiringly at Jillian]
Ted: Woooo!
Subtitle: My career and love life are heading nowhere!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[After Ted lands the Goliath National Bank building design job]
Ted: Woooo!
Subtitle: Now only my love life's a disaster!
Ted: Woooo!
Subtitle: Now only my love life's a disaster!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Future Ted: If you wanna go swimming, you don't just dive in. First you dip your toe on the water, you check the temperature see how it feels and then you slowly wade in.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is...The Naked Man.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: [explains attraction towards battle-hardened men] I come from a culture of hockey players and if a guy can throwdown, it's somewhat way hot...and scars? Hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin and if he's missing his teeth, I'm missing my pants!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Future Ted: Kids, I can't tell you whether fighting is good or bad; and I can't tell you not to do it. I can only give you one piece of advice about fighting: don't get into a fight with your uncle Marshall. Cuz that guy's crazy.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney sings sexual versions of Christmas songs whenever Ted receives a Christmas greetings card]
Barney: [on first card, Christmas 2005, to the tune of 'Jingle Bells'] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan - OOOH! Heather's hot, Heather's hot, and we'll go all the way...
[on second card, Christmas 2006, to the tune of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'] I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked...and down on all fours! [gets ribbed by Ted]
[on third card, Christmas 2007, to the tune of 'The Dreidel Song'] Ted has a little sister, gets hotter every day, and if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play - Everybody! Sister, sister, sister...
Barney: [on first card, Christmas 2005, to the tune of 'Jingle Bells'] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan - OOOH! Heather's hot, Heather's hot, and we'll go all the way...
[on second card, Christmas 2006, to the tune of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'] I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked...and down on all fours! [gets ribbed by Ted]
[on third card, Christmas 2007, to the tune of 'The Dreidel Song'] Ted has a little sister, gets hotter every day, and if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play - Everybody! Sister, sister, sister...
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Marshall brings Robin to a Minnesota-themed bar, the Walleye Saloon]
Robin: [Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?
Marshall: That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!
Bud: [overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?
Marshall: Yeah.
Bud: Damn! [slams fist on table as well]
Robin: [Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?
Marshall: That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!
Bud: [overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?
Marshall: Yeah.
Bud: Damn! [slams fist on table as well]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: You know what it is? We were having sex. Men and women need sex to live together. It... it solves all disputes.
Ted: Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace.
[flashback]
Barney: So I explain to her... I said, "Madeleine, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude.
Ted: So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Barney: Gaza Strippers! Next...
Ted: Apartheid.
Barney: Apart thighs! What else you got?
Ted: Cold War.
Barney: [brief pause] Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!
Ted: Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace.
[flashback]
Barney: So I explain to her... I said, "Madeleine, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude.
Ted: So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Barney: Gaza Strippers! Next...
Ted: Apartheid.
Barney: Apart thighs! What else you got?
Ted: Cold War.
Barney: [brief pause] Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: Fort Lager Dale, get it?
Marshall: Minne Cider, get it?
Lily: Aspen Yards Ale, get it?
Marshall: Actually, no.
Lily: Me neither. I was hoping you would.
Marshall: Minne Cider, get it?
Lily: Aspen Yards Ale, get it?
Marshall: Actually, no.
Lily: Me neither. I was hoping you would.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: If I can land just one of these girls, I'll have Party School Bingo.
[Ted rifles around in the peanut bowl, not taking the bait.]
Barney: Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.
Ted: [mock apologetically] Oh, sorry! [mock interest] What's Party School Bingo?
Barney: Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I take the top 25 and I make up a Bingo card. All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy... In league play that would normally be designated a free space.
Ted: So, uh, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?
Barney: Oh, it's just me.
Ted: Then what's the point, then?
Barney: The point is to get five in a row.
Ted: And what do you get when you get five in a row?
Barney: I get Bingo.
[Ted rifles around in the peanut bowl, not taking the bait.]
Barney: Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.
Ted: [mock apologetically] Oh, sorry! [mock interest] What's Party School Bingo?
Barney: Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I take the top 25 and I make up a Bingo card. All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy... In league play that would normally be designated a free space.
Ted: So, uh, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?
Barney: Oh, it's just me.
Ted: Then what's the point, then?
Barney: The point is to get five in a row.
Ted: And what do you get when you get five in a row?
Barney: I get Bingo.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[The gang checks out Robin's fan mail from Metro News 1]
Lily: Wow. You had more fans than I thought.
Ted: And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.
Robin: What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.
Lily: Wow. You had more fans than I thought.
Ted: And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.
Robin: What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted has a flashback about his old Wesleyan radio gig after Robin finds it in his resume]Ted: [as Doctor X] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.
Marshall: [listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!
Ted: Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.
Lily: How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?
Ted: That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.
Student: [cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?
Ted: Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...
Marshall: [in present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...
Marshall: [listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!
Ted: Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.
Lily: How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?
Ted: That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.
Student: [cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?
Ted: Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...
Marshall: [in present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Marshall: No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily: I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.
Marshall: No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.
Lily: I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[At a staff meeting with Marshall presiding over]
Marshall: So, if you'd look at page 44 of the contract...
Bilson: Hey Eriksen, since when did you join AC/DC? [points to Marshall's cut-up pants]
Blauman: Hey Eriksen, I think the Oliver Twist auditions are down the hall! [colleagues laugh]
Barney: Please sir, can I have some more...pants?
Marshall: So, if you'd look at page 44 of the contract...
Bilson: Hey Eriksen, since when did you join AC/DC? [points to Marshall's cut-up pants]
Blauman: Hey Eriksen, I think the Oliver Twist auditions are down the hall! [colleagues laugh]
Barney: Please sir, can I have some more...pants?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Karen just saw Robin's earrings]
Karen: Are those real diamond earrings?
Robin: Yes, they are. Thank you. [smiles]
Karen: I didn't say I like them.
Robin: Well, I got a great deal on them.
Karen: Cool. I'm sure the exploited diamond miners of Sierra Leone would give you a high five if they still have their fingers. [changes to happy tone] but they're really pretty.
Karen: Are those real diamond earrings?
Robin: Yes, they are. Thank you. [smiles]
Karen: I didn't say I like them.
Robin: Well, I got a great deal on them.
Karen: Cool. I'm sure the exploited diamond miners of Sierra Leone would give you a high five if they still have their fingers. [changes to happy tone] but they're really pretty.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Lily just confessed to Ted the truth about engineering his breakups, especially that with Robin, which turned out to be accidental]
Robin: Oh my God!
Ted: Lily, you can't manipulate people like that! I've known you 12 years and I can honestly say I've NEVER BEEN MORE FURIOUS AT YOU!
Lily: Ted I...
Ted: I don't want to hear it..
Barney: [cuts in] Whoa whoa, settle down for a minute! I only have one question: [Turns to Marshall, asking about the nightshirts their wearing] How do these bad boys feel in bed?
Marshall: Come, let's go see. [Marshall and Barney head to the bedroom]
Robin: So if it weren't for you, Ted and I would still be dating?
Lily: OR you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remain friends and [teary eyed, to Robin] you and I would never have become best friends.
Robin: You don't even have to say that. [Hugs Lily]
Ted: Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky, okay? You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18, but that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. You are so concerned with about who you and Marshall are gonna end up in that front porch with-you know what, you can have it to yourselves. [leaves living room]
Robin: Oh my God!
Ted: Lily, you can't manipulate people like that! I've known you 12 years and I can honestly say I've NEVER BEEN MORE FURIOUS AT YOU!
Lily: Ted I...
Ted: I don't want to hear it..
Barney: [cuts in] Whoa whoa, settle down for a minute! I only have one question: [Turns to Marshall, asking about the nightshirts their wearing] How do these bad boys feel in bed?
Marshall: Come, let's go see. [Marshall and Barney head to the bedroom]
Robin: So if it weren't for you, Ted and I would still be dating?
Lily: OR you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remain friends and [teary eyed, to Robin] you and I would never have become best friends.
Robin: You don't even have to say that. [Hugs Lily]
Ted: Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky, okay? You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18, but that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. You are so concerned with about who you and Marshall are gonna end up in that front porch with-you know what, you can have it to yourselves. [leaves living room]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Marshall: If I could nail a celebrity it would be Lily. She's the star of my heart.
Lily: Aww. For me it would be Hugh Jackman.
Lily: Aww. For me it would be Hugh Jackman.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: [talking about Bilson, who just fired him] After he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-prong approach which really brought him to his knees.
Barney: You hit him with a chair?
Ted: Yep.
Barney: That's my boy!
Barney: You hit him with a chair?
Ted: Yep.
Barney: That's my boy!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Laser Tag Owner: You're too old for this s-
Future Ted: Stuff. He said stuff.
Future Ted: Stuff. He said stuff.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? That's the dream.
Ted: [incredulous] That's the dream? The dream?!?!?! Like what Martin Luther King was talking about??
Robin: I have to end it, don't I? I'm terrible at breakups.
Ted: [incredulous] That's the dream? The dream?!?!?! Like what Martin Luther King was talking about??
Robin: I have to end it, don't I? I'm terrible at breakups.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: I'm - wait for it - in - wait for it - love - wait for it - with - wait for it - a -wait for it - certain - wait for it...
Marshall: I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROBIN!
Marshall: I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROBIN!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: [reading "Holly's" text message for Ted] "Hey Baby, I picked up some take out from Gennaro`s, be home soon." Ok, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, it could be for a brother, or maybe her sick dad.
Ted: Scroll down...
Robin: [reading] "And then I want you to do me on the couch..." Ok, maybe not a sick dad...or a VERY sick dad, am I right? [laughs] Sorry...
Ted: Scroll down...
Robin: [reading] "And then I want you to do me on the couch..." Ok, maybe not a sick dad...or a VERY sick dad, am I right? [laughs] Sorry...
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Future Ted: The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted's mother and her boyfriend, Clint, visits the apartment, but Clint couldn't stop praising Virginia]
Clint: Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Ted: Please don't.
Clint: Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Ted: Please don't.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney confronts Matthew Panning over the 200-women dare, even though he screwed up the count.]
Matthew Panning: So Barney, great to hear from you after all this time, what's going on?
Barney: I've had sex with 200 women! [shows the list]
Matthew: [sees list] Good God, that's way too many. I mean, that's just gross! You sought counseling for sex addiction? Because you are a prime candidate.
Barney: Oh, have you sought counseling for I-win-you-lose? Yeah. Suddenly, those hundred girls you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive.
Matthew: Hundred girls? Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied!
Barney: Sure you did.
Matthew: I was 12, of course I was lying. I didn't have a pet Ewok either.
Barney: Sure you didn't.
Matthew: Your whole adult life is based on something I lied about when I was 12?
Barney: Jealous?
Matthew: [exasperated with Barney's response] I gotta go pick up my kids at school. Sounds like you got a lot of problems. Good luck, I guess. [leaves]
Barney: I'm awesome. [tears up list] Okay, 200. Now what? [looks at Robin]
Matthew Panning: So Barney, great to hear from you after all this time, what's going on?
Barney: I've had sex with 200 women! [shows the list]
Matthew: [sees list] Good God, that's way too many. I mean, that's just gross! You sought counseling for sex addiction? Because you are a prime candidate.
Barney: Oh, have you sought counseling for I-win-you-lose? Yeah. Suddenly, those hundred girls you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive.
Matthew: Hundred girls? Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied!
Barney: Sure you did.
Matthew: I was 12, of course I was lying. I didn't have a pet Ewok either.
Barney: Sure you didn't.
Matthew: Your whole adult life is based on something I lied about when I was 12?
Barney: Jealous?
Matthew: [exasperated with Barney's response] I gotta go pick up my kids at school. Sounds like you got a lot of problems. Good luck, I guess. [leaves]
Barney: I'm awesome. [tears up list] Okay, 200. Now what? [looks at Robin]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney's just been given a speeding ticket]
NJ Policewoman: Get out of the car.
Barney: [in a suave voice] Why, am I under arrest?
NJ Policewoman: No, [takes off helmet and unzips uniform blouse] you're about to be under me. [Barney looks at camera and gives a double thumbs-up]
NJ Policewoman: Get out of the car.
Barney: [in a suave voice] Why, am I under arrest?
NJ Policewoman: No, [takes off helmet and unzips uniform blouse] you're about to be under me. [Barney looks at camera and gives a double thumbs-up]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have, I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen. I'm waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.
Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother