Home Improvement Quotes

Al: I think one of these days, you're going to run out of flannel jokes.
Tim: I don't think so, Al. Not with my "Complete Flannel Joke Book". [Tim pulls out a heavy dictionary-sized hardcover book labelled "The Complete Flannel Joke Book" from behind a prop and opens it]
Tim: "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there!" "Oh waiter, there's a fly in my flannel!" "Please... take my flannel!" [Al snatches the book from Tim]
Tim: Then there's your handy wallet-sized version! [Tim pulls a tiny hardcover book of the same color out of his pocket]
Tim: "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense?" [Al snatches the second book]
Tim: See you tomorrow!

TV Show: Home Improvement
The Colonel: And then, who should grab my shoulder but General Douglas MacArthur.
Mark: Who?
The Colonel: Your father never told you about General MacArthur?
Mark: No, but he told me about General Motors.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: When you get older, you'll understand not everything is so cut and dried!
Randy: I understand that now, Dad. You're taking the company line. You're a sellout. But then to be a sellout, you'd have to have principles to begin with.
Tim: Hey, I not only have principles, but I'm your ride home!
Randy: I'll take public transportation!
Tim: Hey, don't use your fancy words with me. It's called a bus!

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: The Mustang is in the shop and I'm driving Jill's Nomad. I hate driving her car. I get in there, of course, no gas, hasn't been washed in three months, cookie crumbs on the front seat. Why can't she take care of her car? How simple would it be...
Dolores: Could it be she's a tad busy going to school, raising three kids, and making sure you have a nice house to come home to?
Tim: Could be.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: [Talking about his Christmas lights decoration he does every year] All I miss is a real baby for the manger. [Looks at his brother's twins that Jill & Nancy are holding]
Nancy: He wouldn't, really?
Jill: He would but we're not gonna let him.
Tim: It's not like you don't have one to spare.

TV Show: Home Improvement
[Tim finds an old eight-track tape in the basement]
Tim Taylor: "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida." [begins to sing, off key]
Tim Taylor: In A Gadda Da Vida, baby... [Jill takes the tape away]
Jill Taylor: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"?
Tim Taylor: I just was. In A Gadda Da Vida...
Jill Taylor: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" so people would want to hear it?

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: You see, after thirteen years of marriage . . .
Jill: Fourteen!

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: Is there anything you DON'T know, Wilson?
Wilson: I don't know.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: [about the dishwasher] You will not screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.
Tim: What's wrong with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
Tim: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "no!"
Jill: You're thinking of tonight.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: In the shop, tape hangs on a hook, because it has a hole in it.
Jill: So does your head, it's not hanging on a hook.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: [to Tim, after finding the missing wrench in the dryer] Do you want this on regular cycle or fluff?

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill Taylor: (Finds Tim pretending to ride lawnmower like a motorcycle) So, what? Did you join Hells Gardeners?

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: [after opening a bag of chips and spilling them everywhere] There's a warning label right here. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight, in Detroit. It could cause an explosion!

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: Would I help if I said I was sorry?
Jill: It might.
Tim: I'm sorry.
Jill: It didn't.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?
Tim: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.
Jill: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.
Wilson: Well, you should feel secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of.
Tim: A satellite dish!
Wilson: No, Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, and a loving wife.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.
Tim: Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?
Jill: No, I'm saying it's your job.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Mark: What are we gonna make?
Jill: I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.
Mark: Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.
Jill: She did?
Mark: Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.
Jill: Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: What are we gonna do about the boys' table manners?
Tim: You should give them a refresher course.
Jill: Me? What about you?
Tim: [with his mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?

TV Show: Home Improvement
Brad: Mom!
Jill: What?
Brad: Dad's cussing.
Tim: I'm not cussing.
Mark: He said a bad word.
Tim: It wasn't bad!
Randy: He said 'hell' and 'damn'.
Tim: I did not say 'damn'.
Randy: Now you did.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: I'll be going upstairs now...
Tim: You want company?
Jill: No, just you.
Tim: [because the kids are asleep at the dinner table] Shouldn't we take the boys to bed?
Jill: Nah, leave them. It'll only take a minute, anyway...

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: [as the boys prepare to go to school] If you miss that bus, you'll be in big trouble!
Tim: Trouble already? Boys, pace yourselves, you've got all day to be evil. You don't wanna peak too soon.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
Tim: A buzzer!? It's a car, not a game show!

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: I'm gonna make some of that four-star, happy trails, rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.
Jill: I don't know about the rootin', but there'll be plenty of tootin'.
Tim: You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip-roarin' chili.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.
Tim: That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: I thought you said it was a technical problem!
Tim: Technically, I was the problem.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
Jill: Oh, no no no no you're not.
Tim: It's not that big a job; it's a small job.
Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.
Tim: I'd give you free tickets.

TV Show: Home Improvement
Tim: ...Let me do this for you.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assist me.
Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
Tim: Probably, yes.
Jill[getting excited]: And I can have anything I want?
Tim: Anything you want!
Jill: Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?
Tim: Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!

TV Show: Home Improvement
Jill: Why do they call it a monkey wrench?
Tim: They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.

TV Show: Home Improvement