How I Met Your Mother Quotes
[Barney and Robin have just been summoned to the Natural History Museum security office for pulling off pranks. An unexpected revelation about Barney's uncle actually being his father hits him hard.]
Robin: So, when was the last time you saw him?
Barney: It was that day, July 23rd, 1981. My mom got pretty upset he let me destroy a New York City landmark.
Robin: [scoffs] Moms.
Barney: He never came around anymore after the fact. Think he moved away.
Robin: Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong, you know-
Barney: You do know, you do know, that's the thing, you know. He's my dad. [long pause]
Robin: Barney, do you wanna-
Barney: [emotionally] I don't wanna do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?
Robin: So, when was the last time you saw him?
Barney: It was that day, July 23rd, 1981. My mom got pretty upset he let me destroy a New York City landmark.
Robin: [scoffs] Moms.
Barney: He never came around anymore after the fact. Think he moved away.
Robin: Well, maybe the security guy had it wrong, you know-
Barney: You do know, you do know, that's the thing, you know. He's my dad. [long pause]
Robin: Barney, do you wanna-
Barney: [emotionally] I don't wanna do anything. Don't tell anyone about this, okay?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[At Ted's apartment, Robin has had enough of Lily's baby talk and lets everything out when Lily utters one word too many]
Robin: Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!
Lily: What does that supposed to mean?
Robin: It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!
Lily: Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.
Robin: Oh my God, you're not even pregnant yet!
Lily: What does that supposed to mean?
Robin: It means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. You see? I read your Facebook updates. It's like, it's all you ever talk about Lily, and I'm sick of it!
Lily: Well guess what, I got some good news. When that baby comes, you don't have to see it. In fact, you don't have to see me, this whole friendship thing? Done.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney quotes the sign-off phrases of multiple reality TV shows, when telling Ted that he needs to tell Punchy to leave.]
Barney: You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn’t work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped. You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.
Barney: You are the weakest link, Goodbye. Punchy, the tribe has spoken. Please pack up your knives and go. Your work of art didn’t work for us. Your time's up! I have to ask you to leave the mansion. You must leave the chateau. Your tour ends here. You've been chopped. You've been evicted from the Big Brother house. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Sashay away. Give me your jacket and leave Hell's Kitchen. I'm sorry, you did not get a rose. You have been eliminated from the race. You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model. You're fired. Auf Wiedersehen.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you?! I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!
Lily: Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
Ted: THAT'S KATE HUDSON!
Lily: Oh yeah…That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.
Lily: Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
Ted: THAT'S KATE HUDSON!
Lily: Oh yeah…That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Zoey: I'm coming with you.
Ted: No…I baste alone.
Zoey: Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.
Ted: No…I baste alone.
Zoey: Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?
Lily: Sorry, I'm ummmm…I don't know, washing my hair.
Marshall: Running the water.
Robin: Holding the towel.
Barney: I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.
Lily: Sorry, I'm ummmm…I don't know, washing my hair.
Marshall: Running the water.
Robin: Holding the towel.
Barney: I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted meets The Captain on his boat]
Ted: Where's Zoey?
The Captain: Well, I'm afraid she's feeling under the weather. Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.
Ted: Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?
Ted: Where's Zoey?
The Captain: Well, I'm afraid she's feeling under the weather. Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.
Ted: Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney makes a proposition to Sam Gibbs]
Barney: I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.
Sam Gibbs: Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.
Barney: No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week’s e-mail. What up? [poses for a high-five]
Gibbs: Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.
Barney: I'm thinking about giving some of my money to charity.
Sam Gibbs: Is that the name of the stripper you're emailing me about? You gotta take me off the list, Barney.
Barney: No I don't mean that Charity. That Charity is doing Peachy. You'll see pics of the two of them in next week’s e-mail. What up? [poses for a high-five]
Gibbs: Barney, I'm a minister. Unsubscribe.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted has just smashed his gingerbread house because Marshall said that after the pregnancy false alarm, he and Lily want a dog]
Ted: [to Marshall and Lily] Are you kidding me?!? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now. [couple still look at him] I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!
Barney: [after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble…
Ted: And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.
Barney: I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.
Ted: [shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas! [Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]
Robin: So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski -
Ted: And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. [takes out coin] So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. [flips coin into Robin's face] Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!
Ted: [to Marshall and Lily] Are you kidding me?!? All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now. [couple still look at him] I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO!
Barney: [after seeing the two leave, murmuring to Robin] Marshall and Lily got in trouble…
Ted: And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list.
Barney: I can't give this suit back. Ted, I glow in the dark. I finally glow in the dark.
Ted: [shouts] Criminals of New York, attention! This man is wearing a diamond-encrusted suit, you could retire on the pants alone. Merry Christmas! [Barney runs away and Ted confronts Robin]
Robin: So if I get a large popcorn, would you go split-ski -
Ted: And you, you did not move into the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. [takes out coin] So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. [flips coin into Robin's face] Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Robin is introduced to WorldWide News' anchor, who is very familiar]
WWN Employee: Robin, this is -
Sandy Rivers: Robin!
WWN Employee: You two know each other?
Rivers: Know each other? We've had sex! [employees are aghast]
WWN Employee: Robin, this is -
Sandy Rivers: Robin!
WWN Employee: You two know each other?
Rivers: Know each other? We've had sex! [employees are aghast]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Lily tries to talk to Marshall about him not being fertile]
Lily: Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
Marshall: I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.
Barney: Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant — that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.
Lily: Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.
Marshall: I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.
Barney: Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant — that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[At the Eriksen wake, a man approaches Robin.]
Man: Hey, I hear you're a woman who can get things.
Robin: I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.
Man: I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
Robin: [looks around] I gotcha. [leaves with man]
Man: Hey, I hear you're a woman who can get things.
Robin: I've been known to locate certain objects from time to time.
Man: I need vodka and dirty playing cards.
Robin: [looks around] I gotcha. [leaves with man]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Marshall's incensed because the gang is insistent about not listening to his father's last words if he doesn't feel like it.]
Marshall: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. He is my teacher…and he was my best friend. He always came through for me, and now he's just gone. What am I left with? [shows phone with vague voicemail; looks to sky] Thanks a lot, God. Thank You, You took my father! The greatest man that I have ever known, and You whipped him off this Earth way too young! [to Lily] And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voicemail, [to the sky] Thank You so much for the voicemail, it's a great comfort, 'cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely or sad or, you know what, maybe a little bit cheated, at least I have the sound of his pocket to console me.
Lily: Marshall…
Marshall: How is this fair? An entire human life, and it just ends for no reason, and what are we left with? [phone cracks in]
Marvin Eriksen: Marshall? Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? Sorry about that, buddy. Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you. [hangs up]
Marshall: You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. He is my teacher…and he was my best friend. He always came through for me, and now he's just gone. What am I left with? [shows phone with vague voicemail; looks to sky] Thanks a lot, God. Thank You, You took my father! The greatest man that I have ever known, and You whipped him off this Earth way too young! [to Lily] And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voicemail, [to the sky] Thank You so much for the voicemail, it's a great comfort, 'cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely or sad or, you know what, maybe a little bit cheated, at least I have the sound of his pocket to console me.
Lily: Marshall…
Marshall: How is this fair? An entire human life, and it just ends for no reason, and what are we left with? [phone cracks in]
Marvin Eriksen: Marshall? Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? Sorry about that, buddy. Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you. [hangs up]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted is trying to narrate his story to Marshall over the phone about him dropping Zoey as a friend, however…]
Judy Eriksen: [listening in on another phone] Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's, you want anything?
Marshall: Mom, get off the phone!
Marcus Eriksen: [from yet another phone] Could you get some more Bugles, please?
Judy Eriksen: Of course, dear.
Marshall: Marcus, hang up! Both of you, HANG UP! And we need ice cream.
Judy Eriksen: [listening in on another phone] Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's, you want anything?
Marshall: Mom, get off the phone!
Marcus Eriksen: [from yet another phone] Could you get some more Bugles, please?
Judy Eriksen: Of course, dear.
Marshall: Marcus, hang up! Both of you, HANG UP! And we need ice cream.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[At Honey's place, Barney and Honey are ready to get it on]
Barney: Who's your daddy?
Honey: [laughs] Who's your daddy?
Barney: [shaky voice] I...don't...KNOW!!! [breaks down]
Barney: Who's your daddy?
Honey: [laughs] Who's your daddy?
Barney: [shaky voice] I...don't...KNOW!!! [breaks down]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney explains the origins of Desperation Day]
Barney: Loneliness...the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching...the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.
Robin: That's not a thing.
Barney: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.
Ted: That's actually true.
Barney: Wait. There's more.
Ted: This won't be.
Barney: And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks like Robin.]St. Desperatius: Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.
St. Valentine: Player! Play on! High V. [high-fives]
Woman: Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.
St. Desperatius: And I thought Pompeii was smoking. [woman smiles]
Barney: Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.
Barney: Loneliness...the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching...the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.
Robin: That's not a thing.
Barney: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.
Ted: That's actually true.
Barney: Wait. There's more.
Ted: This won't be.
Barney: And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks like Robin.]St. Desperatius: Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.
St. Valentine: Player! Play on! High V. [high-fives]
Woman: Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.
St. Desperatius: And I thought Pompeii was smoking. [woman smiles]
Barney: Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Lily has had enough of Marshall being cooped up in the Eriksen house since the funeral, and Ted's presence does not help.]
Lily: Marshall, I'm going home.
Marshall: [pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?
Lily: I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.
Marshall: I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.
Lily: Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day…
Ted: [surprised] You have Super Mario Kart!?
Marshall: Hell, yeah. [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]
Lily: …but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.
Marshall: Baby, don't go.
Lily: [kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.
Lily: Marshall, I'm going home.
Marshall: [pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?
Lily: I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.
Marshall: I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.
Lily: Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day…
Ted: [surprised] You have Super Mario Kart!?
Marshall: Hell, yeah. [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]
Lily: …but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.
Marshall: Baby, don't go.
Lily: [kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[At his study, The Captain talks to Ted about Zoey leaving him for another man]
The Captain: Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel. [imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted]Zoey: Oh man, this movie is scary.
Scoundrel Ted: I know, right?
The Captain: I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.
Ted: Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
The Captain: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted: And the, that was the last time you saw her…
The Captain: …but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night -
Ted: [spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.
The Captain: Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel. [imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted]Zoey: Oh man, this movie is scary.
Scoundrel Ted: I know, right?
The Captain: I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.
Ted: Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
The Captain: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted: And the, that was the last time you saw her…
The Captain: …but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night -
Ted: [spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: [refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Nora] I don't get smitten, I smite!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[During her date with Barney]
Nora: Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.
Barney: For what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked...unless you dump water on me, so I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?
Nora: I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.
Nora: Barney, what I'm about to say is gonna sound a little weird, but, I'm think I'm starting to like you, so I have to say it.
Barney: For what it's worth, I'm not easily shocked...unless you dump water on me, so I'm [gestures to his heart monitor and mimics electrocution]... what is it?
Nora: I wanna get married. Not tonight, or even to you necessarily, but that's what I want, and if that's gonna scare you off, I'd rather scare you off now. I want a family, I want to live in a house, with a garden with a tree for kids to climb. I want to go to sleep every night with the same person by my side, and wake up next to him in the morning - every morning - for the rest of my life. Just thought you should know that.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted, Marshall and Lily alert Robin that Scooby's missing from the apartment]
Ted: Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? He got out.
Robin: Got out? What do you mean?
Ted: He got out. Someone must've left the door open.
Marshall: It wasn't me.
Lily: Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!
Ted: He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!
Marshall: I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.
Ted: Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? He got out.
Robin: Got out? What do you mean?
Ted: He got out. Someone must've left the door open.
Marshall: It wasn't me.
Lily: Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!
Ted: He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!
Marshall: I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[flashback to Robin and her marine biologist boyfriend]
Scott: This really sucks but I'm gonna be at the North Pole for the next three months.
Robin: [sarcastically] Seriously? The North Pole? Okay pal, if you wanna break up with me, just tell it to me straight, don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. [laughs]
Scott: Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of-
Robin: Of what? Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia, works it's way up to Candyland, and then hey, congratulate me, I'm the new Defence Against the Dark Teacher at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!
Scott: Robin, the North Pole is a real place, you know that right?
Robin: …So you wanna get pizza later-
Scott: I think we should break up.
Scott: This really sucks but I'm gonna be at the North Pole for the next three months.
Robin: [sarcastically] Seriously? The North Pole? Okay pal, if you wanna break up with me, just tell it to me straight, don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist. [laughs]
Scott: Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of-
Robin: Of what? Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia, works it's way up to Candyland, and then hey, congratulate me, I'm the new Defence Against the Dark Teacher at Hogwarts. Expelliarmus!
Scott: Robin, the North Pole is a real place, you know that right?
Robin: …So you wanna get pizza later-
Scott: I think we should break up.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Jerome "Jerry" Whittaker sees Barney try to dismantle a basketball hoop over his driveway]
Jerry: Barney, what is going on?
Barney: This is mine!
Jerry: I don't understand.
Barney: JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no. I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.
Jerry: Please, just come down and talk to me.
Barney: Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.
Jerry: Why does that make you so mad?
Barney: Because if you were going to be some [agitated] lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me!?!?
Jerry: Look, Barney, I know I screwed up.
Barney: Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through-
Jerry: I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do, I'll do anything! [seeing Barney try to remove the hoop, Jerry returns with a tool box] You'll never get it down like that. [gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer] Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty lefty-loosey. [Barney begins unscrewing] I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. Took courage to send me that letter, more courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just ... I have no idea where to begin.
Jerry: Barney, what is going on?
Barney: This is mine!
Jerry: I don't understand.
Barney: JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no. I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.
Jerry: Please, just come down and talk to me.
Barney: Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.
Jerry: Why does that make you so mad?
Barney: Because if you were going to be some [agitated] lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me!?!?
Jerry: Look, Barney, I know I screwed up.
Barney: Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through-
Jerry: I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do, I'll do anything! [seeing Barney try to remove the hoop, Jerry returns with a tool box] You'll never get it down like that. [gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer] Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty lefty-loosey. [Barney begins unscrewing] I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. Took courage to send me that letter, more courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just ... I have no idea where to begin.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[At JFK Airport, Ted and Lily have just picked up a professor for Marshall's fundraiser. Ted suddenly sees Lily about to enter the terminal with some luggage]
Ted: Wait what do you mean you're going to Spain?
Lily: You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone! [Nearby DHS agents look at her]
Ted: [sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?
Lily: I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb [agents look their way again] and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
Ted: [looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions. [sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call] U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.
Lily: I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not finding guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.
Ted: Lily…
Lily: I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this. [heads to terminal]
Ted: Wait what do you mean you're going to Spain?
Lily: You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone! [Nearby DHS agents look at her]
Ted: [sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?
Lily: I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb [agents look their way again] and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
Ted: [looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions. [sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call] U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.
Lily: I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not finding guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.
Ted: Lily…
Lily: I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this. [heads to terminal]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[The gang sees Barney at his deathbed in 2021]
Robin: You're too young, it's unfair!
Marshall: We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.
Barney: Thank you Marshall. [coughs] Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?
Marshall: Yes, yes, of course, anything.
Barney: Eat this meatball sub. [offers wrapped sub]
Marshall: Where did you get this-
Barney: [winces in pain] I don't have much time!!!
Marshall: [unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course. [prepares to bite] Does this have some sort of meaning? [meatball sub explodes in his face]
Robin: You're too young, it's unfair!
Marshall: We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.
Barney: Thank you Marshall. [coughs] Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?
Marshall: Yes, yes, of course, anything.
Barney: Eat this meatball sub. [offers wrapped sub]
Marshall: Where did you get this-
Barney: [winces in pain] I don't have much time!!!
Marshall: [unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course. [prepares to bite] Does this have some sort of meaning? [meatball sub explodes in his face]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[The gang is at MacLaren's Bar with Jerry trying to figure out which club to go to]
Barney: Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong…
Marshall: Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Barney: Oh no.
Marshall: Oh No shut down too.
Ted: There's Where.
Jerry: Where's Where?
Lily: Where's where Was was, isn't it?
Barney: No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?
Jerry: Okay…
Ted: Not Okay. That place is lame.
Robin: Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?
Marshall: That's wrong. That's not Wrong.
Barney: Guys, focus.
Robin: Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.
Ted: Where?
Robin: Not Where, Focus.
Lily: I thought Focus was closed.
Barney: No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.
Marshall: So Closed is open.
Robin: No, Closed is closed.
Jerry: I don't know. Third base, right?!
Robin: Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.
Lily: I'll go any place, okay?
Ted: Not Okay. Okay is lame.
Robin: Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.
Lily: Guys, shut up.
Barney: No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the names of the clubs anymore.
Marshall: Guys, just pick a club, okay?
Ted: Not Okay!
All: Okay is Lame! Gay bar!
Marshall: For the record, um, I was in there on
Barney: Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong…
Marshall: Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Barney: Oh no.
Marshall: Oh No shut down too.
Ted: There's Where.
Jerry: Where's Where?
Lily: Where's where Was was, isn't it?
Barney: No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?
Jerry: Okay…
Ted: Not Okay. That place is lame.
Robin: Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?
Marshall: That's wrong. That's not Wrong.
Barney: Guys, focus.
Robin: Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.
Ted: Where?
Robin: Not Where, Focus.
Lily: I thought Focus was closed.
Barney: No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.
Marshall: So Closed is open.
Robin: No, Closed is closed.
Jerry: I don't know. Third base, right?!
Robin: Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.
Lily: I'll go any place, okay?
Ted: Not Okay. Okay is lame.
Robin: Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.
Lily: Guys, shut up.
Barney: No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the names of the clubs anymore.
Marshall: Guys, just pick a club, okay?
Ted: Not Okay!
All: Okay is Lame! Gay bar!
Marshall: For the record, um, I was in there on
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney talks to his father about how he settled down]
Barney: I've given up on anything more in my life than who I am. I'm too far gone. I'm broken.
Jerry: [looks back at Barney] Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be...and look at me now. Don't get me wrong, settling down is a challenge - it's the biggest challenge of your life.
Barney: So how do you do it?
Jerry: A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but here's a hint: you got to meet the right girl. Who knows, maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Barney: Maybe I've met her already.
Barney: I've given up on anything more in my life than who I am. I'm too far gone. I'm broken.
Jerry: [looks back at Barney] Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be...and look at me now. Don't get me wrong, settling down is a challenge - it's the biggest challenge of your life.
Barney: So how do you do it?
Jerry: A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but here's a hint: you got to meet the right girl. Who knows, maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Barney: Maybe I've met her already.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Robin explains what Barney turns into when he drinks peppermint schnapps]
Barney: [at bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling … how you doing? … is this your sister? … Beautiful! [goes to gang's booth]
Ted: Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Barney: Show me chicken wings! [gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]
Robin: Good order, Ted!!!! [gang cheers]
Barney: [at bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling … how you doing? … is this your sister? … Beautiful! [goes to gang's booth]
Ted: Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Barney: Show me chicken wings! [gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]
Robin: Good order, Ted!!!! [gang cheers]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[At bar, Robin and Lily order gin for Barney and Marshall to start a fight between them, and the effects kick in]
Barney: Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?
Marshall: Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?
Barney: Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?
Marshall: [infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!
Barney: Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?
Marshall: Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?
Barney: Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?
Marshall: [infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted is roused by someone from his bed and is startled at who it is]
Ted: Barney, what are you doing here?
Barney: [in aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.
Ted: Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.
Barney: [normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so… [assumes aristocratic voice again] Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.
Ted: Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out-
Barney: I am not Barney!!! [activates flickering lights]
Ted: Whoo, lighting change!
Ted: Barney, what are you doing here?
Barney: [in aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.
Ted: Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.
Barney: [normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so… [assumes aristocratic voice again] Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.
Ted: Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out-
Barney: I am not Barney!!! [activates flickering lights]
Ted: Whoo, lighting change!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother