Boston Legal Quotes
Denny Crane: Brad's the best. I just made him partner.
Bev: Denny, I want reassurance.
Denny Crane: The man served in the Gulf War. The one that turned out okay. He was top of his class at West Point and Harvard Law School. I'd put my own life in his hands.
Bev: Denny, I want reassurance.
Denny Crane: The man served in the Gulf War. The one that turned out okay. He was top of his class at West Point and Harvard Law School. I'd put my own life in his hands.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: If I agree to help you, one condition. I assume during the course of this case 'breasts' will be referred to in many colorful ways.
Alan: One would hope.
Shirley: Personally, however, I don't ever want to hear them referred to as 'hooters'. I hate that word. Oh, and this is a little off-topic, but I hate the word 'underpants', too.
Alan: If I can have your breasts, I promise not to say 'hooters'.
Shirley: Thank you, Alan.
Alan: Now, as for underpants, if you promise not to wear an...
Shirley: [interrupting] Goodbye, Alan.
Alan: One would hope.
Shirley: Personally, however, I don't ever want to hear them referred to as 'hooters'. I hate that word. Oh, and this is a little off-topic, but I hate the word 'underpants', too.
Alan: If I can have your breasts, I promise not to say 'hooters'.
Shirley: Thank you, Alan.
Alan: Now, as for underpants, if you promise not to wear an...
Shirley: [interrupting] Goodbye, Alan.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Daniel!
Daniel: Denny!
Denny: Lookin' good.
Daniel: Thank you. You wanna come to my funeral?
Denny: Oh, funerals are sad.
Daniel: Well, this one'll be fun.
Denny: Count me in!
Daniel: Tomorrow night.
Denny: No can do, busy... Rain check?
Daniel: [pauses] ...Absolutely.
Denny: [nods to Denise] He's a keeper! [walks off]
Daniel: Denny's great.
Denise: Yep.
Daniel: He doesn't hear a thing anyone says, does he?
Denise: Nope.
Daniel: Denny!
Denny: Lookin' good.
Daniel: Thank you. You wanna come to my funeral?
Denny: Oh, funerals are sad.
Daniel: Well, this one'll be fun.
Denny: Count me in!
Daniel: Tomorrow night.
Denny: No can do, busy... Rain check?
Daniel: [pauses] ...Absolutely.
Denny: [nods to Denise] He's a keeper! [walks off]
Daniel: Denny's great.
Denise: Yep.
Daniel: He doesn't hear a thing anyone says, does he?
Denise: Nope.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Garrett: This is my office.
Catherine: Oh, I needed a base of operations for my sandwich cart business.
Garrett: But... I...
Catherine: You're a first year, right? [Garrett nods yes] Well, it goes like this: named partner, senior partner, junior partner, senior associates, sandwich lady, xerox guy, janitor, first years.
Catherine: Oh, I needed a base of operations for my sandwich cart business.
Garrett: But... I...
Catherine: You're a first year, right? [Garrett nods yes] Well, it goes like this: named partner, senior partner, junior partner, senior associates, sandwich lady, xerox guy, janitor, first years.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: I heard there were two hundred women, that's four hundred breasts, and you kept them all to yourself!
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Oh, look, it's me!
Denny: I can see that. You were there, in a sea of breasts, and you didn't invite me!
Denny: I can see that. You were there, in a sea of breasts, and you didn't invite me!
TV Show: Boston Legal
[at a public bare-breasted protest]
Alan: Oddly, this was one of my fantasies... And the chilly weather is certainly an added bonus.
Alan: Oddly, this was one of my fantasies... And the chilly weather is certainly an added bonus.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: I suppose coming to a lawyer's office can't be much fun.
Marissa: Actually, everyone seems friendly here.
Alan: Well, they're given an unlimited supply of donuts.
Marissa: Actually, everyone seems friendly here.
Alan: Well, they're given an unlimited supply of donuts.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Phyliss: I had a hard time trying to find you. I called Cruthers, Abbott…
Alan: Oh, I was fired. Embezzlement.
Phyliss: Then I tried Young, Frutt and Berultti.
Alan: Oh, yes. That ended badly.
Phyliss: And here you are at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Alan: For now.
Alan: Oh, I was fired. Embezzlement.
Phyliss: Then I tried Young, Frutt and Berultti.
Alan: Oh, yes. That ended badly.
Phyliss: And here you are at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Alan: For now.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Phyliss: I need your help. You always said I could come to you for anything.
Alan: I meant sexually.
Alan: I meant sexually.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: Denise, I understand you're going through some difficulties in your personal life.
Denise: It's hard, but I'll get through it.
Shirley: From what I know about you, when things get tough you prefer to bury yourself in your work. Allow me to provide you with a shovel.
Denise: It's hard, but I'll get through it.
Shirley: From what I know about you, when things get tough you prefer to bury yourself in your work. Allow me to provide you with a shovel.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: Bev will be happy which makes me happy, which makes you happy. So really, Brad, you're doing this to make you happy.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: Let me tell you two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
Lester Tremont: That's three things.
Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.
Lester Tremont: That's three things.
Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Dr James Tusten: Catholic hospitals are free to interpret sections of the Ethical and Religious Directive liberally or conservatively. St Mary's takes a very strict application of Catholic teachings. That's why I chose to work there.
Shirley: I see. Tell me, Dr Tusten, do you have a set schedule at the ER?
Dr James Tusten: Of course.
Shirley: But that puts you squarely on the job during the Sabbath. Exodus 35: 2 states that those who work on the Sabbath should be put to death.
Shirley: I see. Tell me, Dr Tusten, do you have a set schedule at the ER?
Dr James Tusten: Of course.
Shirley: But that puts you squarely on the job during the Sabbath. Exodus 35: 2 states that those who work on the Sabbath should be put to death.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Atty Morrison: Nevertheless, the court awarded Mr Bridge joint custody of Barry.
Judge Willard Reese: The cat's name is Barry Manilow?
Judge Willard Reese: The cat's name is Barry Manilow?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Denny, I refuse to shoot you.
Denny Crane: You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?
Alan: Where would we be...
Denny Crane: You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?
Alan: Where would we be...
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: I wonder if sometimes I get married just to have someone listen to my stories again.
Alan: Not a terrible reason.
Alan: Not a terrible reason.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: You never talk about your wife. What was she like?
Alan: She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.
Denny: Sounds spectacular. What happened?
Alan: She began...to know me too well and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, it's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.
Alan: She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.
Denny: Sounds spectacular. What happened?
Alan: She began...to know me too well and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, it's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Bev: Denny? I love you. But, I love Hawaii more.
Denny: Well, you'll be the one that got away from Denny Crane. That makes you a large fish in a very small pond.
Denny: Well, you'll be the one that got away from Denny Crane. That makes you a large fish in a very small pond.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: While everyone was whining about Bev, you were actually trying to take her out. I admire that. You have very large testicles, my friend.
Brad: Well. Thank you Denny, I'm flattered you have that opinion of me.
Denny: It's not my opinion. I saw you in the shower at the gym. Good God!
Brad: Well. Thank you Denny, I'm flattered you have that opinion of me.
Denny: It's not my opinion. I saw you in the shower at the gym. Good God!
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Congratulations. I saw you were the lucky one who caught Bev's garter.
Paul: Yes. I'm going for a full battery of tests first thing in the morning.
Paul: Yes. I'm going for a full battery of tests first thing in the morning.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Paul: You had sex with another woman and your wife in the three hours you were married?
Denny: It was my special day. I had taken my little blue pill.
Shirley: There is no cure for cancer, but we've got three pills for that.
Denny: It was my special day. I had taken my little blue pill.
Shirley: There is no cure for cancer, but we've got three pills for that.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: White roses, gold leaf cake, Bev's boobs swimming out of her wedding dress.
Brad: Who said money can't buy tastelessness?
Alan: I think Bev and Denny did a lovely job.
Paul: 11 marriages between the two of them. They've had plenty of practice.
Brad: Who said money can't buy tastelessness?
Alan: I think Bev and Denny did a lovely job.
Paul: 11 marriages between the two of them. They've had plenty of practice.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: …You're not losing an Alan, you're gaining a Bev, the girl of your recent dreams.
Denny: Alan, you're my best friend. If you want, you can dream about her, too.
Alan: Denny, you're generous to a fault.
Denny: Alan, you're my best friend. If you want, you can dream about her, too.
Alan: Denny, you're generous to a fault.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: Ahhh. I wish you and I were getting married. That's you and I. Both of us. To others. I'm not gay.
Alan: I heard you the first Freudian slip.
Alan: I heard you the first Freudian slip.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Why'd he fire you?
Joan Zeder: Well, one day, six weeks ago, he brings us all in for a staff meeting. And he says, “Due to the spiraling costs of health care insurance, all smokers have exactly six weeks to quit. At which point I'll test their system for nicotine and if you fail the urine test, then you'll be terminated.” Fired! Friggin' health Nazi. You know, I got rent to pay. And of course, I tried to quit. You know, I wanted to! I did the patch and I did that little nicotine sucky thing, you know, but the more I imagined losing my job the more I panicked. And the more I panicked, the more I smoked. Now I'm up to three packs a day. And today was the day, he made me pee in a cup and then he fired me!
Alan: Well, unless that's some kind of sex game with your lover, I find it appalling and we won't let him do it.
Joan Zeder: Well, one day, six weeks ago, he brings us all in for a staff meeting. And he says, “Due to the spiraling costs of health care insurance, all smokers have exactly six weeks to quit. At which point I'll test their system for nicotine and if you fail the urine test, then you'll be terminated.” Fired! Friggin' health Nazi. You know, I got rent to pay. And of course, I tried to quit. You know, I wanted to! I did the patch and I did that little nicotine sucky thing, you know, but the more I imagined losing my job the more I panicked. And the more I panicked, the more I smoked. Now I'm up to three packs a day. And today was the day, he made me pee in a cup and then he fired me!
Alan: Well, unless that's some kind of sex game with your lover, I find it appalling and we won't let him do it.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: Brad. Mr Granger chuckles. There'll be no divorce.
Eli Granger: I beg your pardon?
Denny Crane: Bev and I had an agreement. When we first got together she told me that I could sleep with whomever I wanted. Delmonico's Restaurant. January 14th. Happiest night of my life. So I had sex with another woman. Or a Navy Burberry. Not sure which. But the point is, she granted me the right to tomcat and I exercised that right. No divorce.
Eli Granger: I beg your pardon?
Denny Crane: Bev and I had an agreement. When we first got together she told me that I could sleep with whomever I wanted. Delmonico's Restaurant. January 14th. Happiest night of my life. So I had sex with another woman. Or a Navy Burberry. Not sure which. But the point is, she granted me the right to tomcat and I exercised that right. No divorce.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: I have a similar bit of wisdom I like to share. We can do this my way or another way that will have you writing a very large check and crying like a baby.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Paul: Doing nothing is what I'll regret most. I have devoted my life to keeping this firm an outstanding institution. Now, in the twilight of my career, this, this mess could destroy my reputation. All because Denny cannot control his aged groin.
TV Show: Boston Legal