The Daily Show Quotes

Jon Stewart: Here it is, your moment of Zen.

TV Show: The Daily Show
Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: where more Americans get their news than probably should.

TV Show: The Daily Show
Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The most important television program... ever.

TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: [Oprah has just given away free cars] See, here's where Oprah has violated the talk show code. Treating the audience like shit. Seriously, she gives away cars and you guys stand in the freezing cold weather for what? This piece of shit show? A bunch of random jokes followed by some interview where I pretend to be remotely interested? We have a green room with a nice couch, big screen TV, snacks, and other nice things, but do we let our audience use it? No.

TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: France, c'mon girl, don't be an invader hater.

TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: Welcome to the Daily Show! For anyone watching, if you happen to hear any loud crashes, it's because there's a thunderstorm outside. It's not, as our good friend Alan suggested earlier, the Hammer of Thor crashing to the Earth.

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Samantha Bee: But really let's face it, all other days bow down to the 25th: Christmas. It's the only religious holiday that's also a Federal holiday. That way Christians can go to their services and everyone else can stay home and reflect on the true meaning of Separation of Church and State.

TV Show: The Daily Show
[A picture of the players embracing, one "higher" than the other, appears on screen, spurring laughs from the audience]
Uh, I, uh...I don't know what to say! Extended coverage of the game will be presented later on a very special Daily Show: After Dark!
[Sexy music begins to play]
Oh...oh yeah, soccer: the world's game. [under his breath] Uh, I had to do that.

TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: Stephen, thank you for joining us...with (Jim) Jeffords' new status as an independent senator, the balance of power has else will this power shift play out in the Senate?
Stephen Colbert: Who cares, Jon? What about the band?
Jon Stewart: (confused) ...the band?
Stephen Colbert: The Singing Senators!
(a picture of Larry Craig, Trent Lott, John Ashcroft and Jeffords as the "Singing Senators")
Stephen Colbert: ...listen. Jeffords leaving means that the Republicans break up the Singing Senators.
Jon Stewart: They're the senators that sing.
Stephen Colbert: (shocked) Sing, Jon? They're only, like, the greatest Congressional music act ever! They're the standard in which all other senatorial singing groups are judged, man!
Stephen Colbert: Check out this rare bootleg I have of the senators' now legendary gig on NBC's Today show...
(clip of the senators signing "Elvira")
Stephen Colbert: Oom pa-pa, Oom pa pa, wow, WOW! I love those four lovable moptops...Larry Craig, the conservative one, Trent Lott the ultraconservative one, John Ashcroft the archconservative one... and Jim Jeffords the cute one!
(audience explodes into laughter)
Stephen Colbert: ...they had it all! Tight harmonies, wireboard looks, and medieval social agenda! But now it's over...except for the medieval social agenda.

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Announcer: The Colbert Report...winner of the 2005 Peabody Award!
Colbert: If the voters had any balls...well, do you voters? do you have any balls? Because I do...lemme show you...

TV Show: The Daily Show
Stephen Colbert: Hi! I'm Stephen Colbert...I'm a successful and respected authority figure, and I LOOOOOVE DRUGS! There's nothing more I love than kicking back with some good friends, a cribbage board, a Benny Goodman album, and a whole lotta crack! (looks to the side) Hey there!(Enter Jon Stewart)
Jon Stewart: Yes?
Stephen Colbert: Do you want a reefer full of pot? All the hip kids are doing it!
(Stewart looks surprised, yet intrigued)
Jon Stewart: I would! It would be a perfect break from my job as a corporate drone to slip into a sweet, mellow high!
(Enter Lauren Weedman, snapping a rubber armband around her arm.)
Lauren Weedman: Hey guys, I'd love to do some drugs with you, but I'm off to donate blood.
Stephen Colbert: Good call. (turns to camera) So take it from us...middle aged adults with no idea what's cool...
Stephen Colbert (voiceover): This message brought to you by the National Council "Against" Drugs.

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Stephen Colbert: What religion do I have to be to get this money?
Stephen Laverith, Centre for Public Justice: The government has said that it's not going to define what a religion is.
Stephen Colbert: That's refreshingly vague
(Switches to voiceover)
Stephen Colbert: ...and refreshingly lucrative. The first step is choosing your religion...
(back to Colbert and Laverith)
Stephen Colbert: Let's go over the big three. Judaism: the no-pork thing's okay, but the horns and the Christian baby blood... that's a deal breaker. Islam... fascinating religion, but it's kind of a PR nightmare right now... and ditto.
(picture of a Catholic cardinal)

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Stephen Colbert: Oh, God, I gotta get out of here! Don't leave me, Jon!
Jon Stewart: Stephen Colbert, everyone.

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Jon Stewart: What about the State of the Union? Did you go to the speech?
Senator John McCain: I had no choice.

TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: Do you know of any candidate that has gone from top to bottom, from king to serf, so quickly as Howard Dean?
Bob Dole: I did. I mean, Joe Lieberman, he was banking on Al Gore's ticket. Then Al Gore endorsed Howard Dean, and now Howard's campaign tanked. So I told Kerry and Edwards, If Gore calls you, don't pick up the phone.

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Samantha Bee: I'll read you some words, help me warm these up a bit.
Frank Luntz: OK.
Samantha Bee: Drilling for oil?
Frank Luntz: I would say, responsible exploration for energy.
Samantha Bee: Logging?
Frank Luntz: I would say, healthy forest.
Samantha Bee: Manipulation?
Frank Luntz: Explaination and education.
Samantha Bee: Orwellian?
[Frank Luntz is silent]

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Jason Jones: Was it difficult managing a family while not being president?
Geraldine Ferarro: I'm sorry did you say NOT being president?

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Rob Corddry: This is pork-barrel politics at its worst.
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: How so?
Rob Corddry: It's... so so.
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: You have no idea what pork-barrel politics are, do you?
Rob Corddry: Do you?
Sen. Joan Fitzgerald: Pork-barrel politics usually puts money into the system...
Rob Corddry: Oh, is that what they taught you in lady senator school?

TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: We've also got a report from Mr. Rob Corddry in Oregon. We're gonna...hey,, that's a nice box, Rob!
Rob Corddry: Oh, this old thing? (laughs) I only use it when I don't care how I look! (laughs again) No Jon, I've been spending a lot of time on satellite hookups, so with the holidays gives it a homier feel, you know?
Ed Helms: Jon?
Jon Stewart: Yes, Ed Helms in Minnesota?
Ed Helms: I...I, uh, didn't know we could decorate our boxes.
(Audience laughs)
Rob Corddry(mocking): Jon! I didn't know we can decorate our boxes! I'm afraid to take any action on my own!
Jon Stewart(off-screen): Guys...
Ed Helms(to Corddry): Shut up, Rob!
Rob Corddry(to Helms): You shut up, bitch!'
Ed Helms(to Corddry): You wanna say that to my face?
(Corddry moves from "Oregon" to "Minnesota" and into Helm's box...and face)
Rob Corddry: SHUT UP, BITCH!
(Helms headbutts Corddry, knocking him back)
Jon Stewart: HEY GUYS...GUYS! (stunned) Uh, I'm sorry, I apologize...that's, uh... Thought they were further apart.

TV Show: The Daily Show
John Oliver: When you’re a bankrupt ideology pursuing a bankrupt strategy, the only move you have left is the dick one.
Jon Stewart: When will these motherfuckers go away?
John Oliver: They probably won’t, there have always been motherfuckers, there will always be motherfuckers, but what we can’t do is let them control our motherfucking lives.

TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: Let's go on Chatroulette. Let's see here. Okay, what do we go so far... [On a computer, the lower window features Jon Stewart throughout, the upper window shows whomever is on until one of them clicks next, starting with...] Okay, bored guy. Next. Let's see...all right, that's guy...[Next is a naked man, genitals blurred] Whoa! Okay, penis in my face! All right, bored Austrian guy, next. [Someone with blurred penis sticking out of pants] Okay! [Next, someone sitting without pants, blurred] Wow, I think that guy goes to my gym! All right, let's just get out of that...Wyatt?!
Wyatt Cenac: Jon, I don't have time to talk right now. I'm about to break this Chatroulette story wide open. Remember how I did that story on Twitter and then that other story on glory holes?
Jon Stewart: Right.
Wyatt Cenac: I think Chatroulette is the missing link! NEXT!
Jon Stewart: All, no, don't send me back! I don't wanna go back...hey, Liz Claman, reporter from Fox Business. Are you covering the financial angle on Chatroulette and...don't just "next" me! Damn it! Diane Sawyer, what are you doing?!
Diane Sawyer: Oh, great.
Jon Stewart: Hey, what's going on?
Diane Sawyer: I'm checking out this Chatroulette thing, but so far I only get reporters.
Jon Stewart: Yeah, me some other things.
Diane Sawyer: What are you doing?
Jon Stewart: I'm doing a satiric look at Chatroulette.
Diane Sawyer: [pause] Sounds hilarious.
[She nexts him]
Jon Stewart: Damn it! She hit me next. Not cool, Sawyer! [Bored guy] Okay, that guy's boring, I don't wanna see that guy. [Guy on bed drinking water] That's just boring, let me get to the next thing as it goes there. Next, we go through there...Olbermann?! What are you doing here?!

TV Show: The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: We have complete coverage of Bin Laden's death from the "Best Fucking News Team on Television." We're gonna start with Aasif Mandvi—spent the last several years deeply embedded in the lawless border province of Waziristan. Aasif, your reaction to the news.
Aasif Mandvi: Well, I guess surprise, you know. Just because of that thing where everyone, including me, thought Bin Laden had been holed up in a cave here in the world's most remote mountains. Turns out the son-of-a-bitch was living in the SUBURBS! Nice suburbs! A million-dollar mansion in Abbottabad? That's like the Greenwich of Pakistan! While I've been humping it up the Hindu Kush, puking from altitude sickness and wiping my ass with scorpion husks, Osama Bin Trust Fund was living two miles from a GOLF COURSE!
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, Aasif. I didn't know that...does Abbottabad really have a golf course?
Aasif Mandvi: It literally does! I could've embedded myself in the fourteenth fairway. FUCK YOU, OSAMA BIN LADEN!
Jon Stewart: All right, Samantha Bee is actually tonight in Abbottabad...
Samantha Bee: Yes, that's right, Jon, and Aasif is right. Abbottabad is exactly what you wouldn't have expected—a relatively affluent bedroom community.
Jon Stewart: And how are the residents that live there—we saw that the guy who Tweeted the news of what was happening. How are they taking the news of this?
Samantha Bee: Well, they are shocked. Shocked that so few Westerners had ever heard of this picturesque hamlet famed throughout Pakistan for its mild climate and top-ranked schools. A well-healed retirement haven for high-ranking Pakistani military men, but also just an hour's drive from the bustling capital Islamabad. Just take a look at this hidden gem. [Shows artist rendering of the compound] Four baths, eight bedrooms, space for all your wives, plenty of room for a pool there right on the

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[Madonna is giving a speech in Israel]
Madonna: At first I was hesitant about coming here. But since I have been here, I have realised that Israel is no more dangerous than New York City.
Jon Stewart: ...We have got to get the fuck out of New York City, man.

TV Show: The Daily Show
[on George W. Bush's and Sean Penn's actions after Hurricane Katrina]
Jon Stewart: So to recap - this guy came down four days later to mourn the loss of Trent Lott's house, while I Am Sam waded through toxic sludge in a dinghy.

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[on talking about Cheney failing to pass a bill through the senate]
Jon Stewart: So let me get this straight. You control the White House, the Senate, the house, and congress. And the only thing that got between you and getting what you want, were these two guys? [shows a picture of John Kerry and John Edwards]
Jon Stewart: And you call yourself evil!

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Contributor, 'Back in Black': I don't care what this administration thinks of gays. Right now, our military cannot afford to turn anyone away. We need boots on the ground. And if some of those boots happen to be Prada, fabulous!

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Contributor, 'Back in Black': Kids? Call your moms. For the first time in my life, I am speechless. Here's why. [shows a clip of a group of people racing in dune buggys, stopping to pick up a pig in a trough, then speeding away again]

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[about an increase in college crime rates]
Jon Stewart: This is what happens when you take away Napster.

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[about Hitler]
Rob Corddry: That guy was not likeable.

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[about Saddam Hussein's capture]
Jon Stewart: But what does this capture mean for democrats? Short answer: Democrats are screwed. Long answer: THE democrats are COMPLETELY screwed.

TV Show: The Daily Show