Boston Legal Quotes
Denny Crane: Thank you, Brad, for telling me that. It couldn't have been easy. You're fired.
Brad Chase: What?
Denny Crane: Name on the door. See ya.
[Brad walks out and runs into Shirley]
Brad Chase: He fired me. I'm a partner! He fired me.
Shirley: Brad. The review committee will take care of this. He can't just fire you without consulting the partners!
Brad Chase: Of course he can. He's Denny Crane. His name's on the door. If he wants me gone, I'm gone.
Brad Chase: What?
Denny Crane: Name on the door. See ya.
[Brad walks out and runs into Shirley]
Brad Chase: He fired me. I'm a partner! He fired me.
Shirley: Brad. The review committee will take care of this. He can't just fire you without consulting the partners!
Brad Chase: Of course he can. He's Denny Crane. His name's on the door. If he wants me gone, I'm gone.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: That may be, but still...
Shirley: So help me, if you say “It's still your name on the door”, I will shoot you with one of your own guns.
Shirley: So help me, if you say “It's still your name on the door”, I will shoot you with one of your own guns.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: Denny. You cheated on your wife at your own wedding reception in what has become some sort of cloakroom fetish-that is a new low, even for you.
Denny Crane: Yeah. It is, isn't it?
Denny Crane: Yeah. It is, isn't it?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: Mr Lumis, how do you feel about fat people? Because according to the Surgeon General three hundred thousand Americans die every year from obesity-related illnesses.
Kurt Lumis: Other businesses are firing people for that. I haven't done it yet.
Alan Shore: So you're thinking about it?
Kurt Lumis: I'm always thinking.
Alan Shore: Anyone can see that. How about alcohol consumption? People who have more than fifteen drinks a week are at risk of becoming alcoholics and alcoholism can cause cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis, increased incidents of cancer. Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor your employee's alcohol intake?
Kurt Lumis: Maybe I should.
Alan Shore: What about coffee? Caffeine temporarily raises your blood pressure. Trans-fatty acids! And stress! Both of these things could cause heart attacks. That would certainly raise your premiums sky high. It's been proven arguing thirty minutes a day lowers your immune system. As does loneliness, there go your married employees and your single ones! You're going to have to watch these people all the time, Mr Lumis. I hope you're multitasked.
Kurt Lumis: Mr Shore, I think you're exaggerating.
Alan Shore: No. I'm just welcoming us all to 1984-the bus arrived a little late, and our tour guide George Orwell is good and dead. But nonetheless, we made it. And big brother Lumis is watching us.
Kurt Lumis: Other businesses are firing people for that. I haven't done it yet.
Alan Shore: So you're thinking about it?
Kurt Lumis: I'm always thinking.
Alan Shore: Anyone can see that. How about alcohol consumption? People who have more than fifteen drinks a week are at risk of becoming alcoholics and alcoholism can cause cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis, increased incidents of cancer. Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor your employee's alcohol intake?
Kurt Lumis: Maybe I should.
Alan Shore: What about coffee? Caffeine temporarily raises your blood pressure. Trans-fatty acids! And stress! Both of these things could cause heart attacks. That would certainly raise your premiums sky high. It's been proven arguing thirty minutes a day lowers your immune system. As does loneliness, there go your married employees and your single ones! You're going to have to watch these people all the time, Mr Lumis. I hope you're multitasked.
Kurt Lumis: Mr Shore, I think you're exaggerating.
Alan Shore: No. I'm just welcoming us all to 1984-the bus arrived a little late, and our tour guide George Orwell is good and dead. But nonetheless, we made it. And big brother Lumis is watching us.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: Well. Are the rumors true? You have naked photos of Shirley? Awww, come on! What's the big deal? I've had naked photos of Shirley for years. [pulls out a stack of pictures to show Alan]
Alan: Denny? She's asleep in all of these.
Denny Crane: [Denny hands him another photo] Here's one where she woke up. Have you ever seen a beautiful naked woman look that angry?
Alan: Denny? She's asleep in all of these.
Denny Crane: [Denny hands him another photo] Here's one where she woke up. Have you ever seen a beautiful naked woman look that angry?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: It's no use, Alan. Nothing interests me anymore.
Reporter on TV: Construction worker Russell Blayney arrested for attempted murder for setting a bobby trap in his home to catch burglars. Miguel Quinones allegedly broke into Blayney's house and received a reported fifty thousand volts of electricity through his body, paralyzing him from the waist down. And leaving us all with the question: Russell Blayney: Victim or Vigilante?
Denny Crane: That case! I want that case.
Reporter on TV: Construction worker Russell Blayney arrested for attempted murder for setting a bobby trap in his home to catch burglars. Miguel Quinones allegedly broke into Blayney's house and received a reported fifty thousand volts of electricity through his body, paralyzing him from the waist down. And leaving us all with the question: Russell Blayney: Victim or Vigilante?
Denny Crane: That case! I want that case.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: So? Who would you rather have as your attorney? Me? Or Hacky McGuilty Verdict here?
Warren Peter: I've faced him before. You'd rather have him.
Denny Crane: Don't feel bad, son. It takes a big man to recognize a bigger man.
Warren Peter: I've faced him before. You'd rather have him.
Denny Crane: Don't feel bad, son. It takes a big man to recognize a bigger man.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: Don't like that kind of thinking. Defense of self. You gotta strike first. Pre-empt 'em. What they say in the news? Victim or vigilante? It's neither. This is Russell Blayney, hero!
'Denise: You wanna try this case in the press?
Denny Crane: Exactly. I wanna grab the public's attention. The story. Character. Narrative. We have to create our own reality. You! Young punk. You must know computers. Set up a website, one of those blobs. Justice for Russell Blayney! And you, Denise, you'll be my second. You look good on camera.
'Denise: You wanna try this case in the press?
Denny Crane: Exactly. I wanna grab the public's attention. The story. Character. Narrative. We have to create our own reality. You! Young punk. You must know computers. Set up a website, one of those blobs. Justice for Russell Blayney! And you, Denise, you'll be my second. You look good on camera.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: Ah, Denise. Rodney King?
Denise: Rodney King. Uh, severely beaten by the police over ten years ago.
Denny Crane: See? You remember. Why? Branding! They didn't call him Rodney King: wifebeater, alcohol abuser, who swung a tire iron at a convenience store clerk. They called him Rodney King: a motorist, a motorist: Rodney King. Brings to mind images of a jaunty man riding hat in cap in a Model-T. That's what we want. Russell Blayney: American Homeowner. Not Russell Blayney: eats them broiled, baked or fried.
Denise: Rodney King. Uh, severely beaten by the police over ten years ago.
Denny Crane: See? You remember. Why? Branding! They didn't call him Rodney King: wifebeater, alcohol abuser, who swung a tire iron at a convenience store clerk. They called him Rodney King: a motorist, a motorist: Rodney King. Brings to mind images of a jaunty man riding hat in cap in a Model-T. That's what we want. Russell Blayney: American Homeowner. Not Russell Blayney: eats them broiled, baked or fried.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Agent Joseph Reynolds: This woman is under arrest for evasion of Federal income taxes.
[Alan stares at Melissa]
Melissa: Ooopsie.
[Alan stares at Melissa]
Melissa: Ooopsie.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Sanders: Ten A.M. tomorrow. And I would ask Counsel to check his sense of humor at the door. My courtroom is a temple of decorum. And I do not tolerate jibber-jabber.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: You slept with him!
Denise: Did not!
Shirley: You slept with him!
Denise: Did not!
Shirley: You slept with him!
Denise: Well, maybe a little bit.
Denise: Did not!
Shirley: You slept with him!
Denise: Did not!
Shirley: You slept with him!
Denise: Well, maybe a little bit.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.
Denny Crane: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.
Alan: Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."
Denny Crane: Just once, I wish you'd quote a Republican.
Alan Shore: "I want a kinder and gentler nation."
Denny Crane: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.
Alan: Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."
Denny Crane: Just once, I wish you'd quote a Republican.
Alan Shore: "I want a kinder and gentler nation."
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: So whose ass did you have kicked?
Alan: Someone whose ass thoroughly deserved it.
Denny: Good! I can never understand why people don't use violence more often to solve their problems. Works every time.
Alan: Someone whose ass thoroughly deserved it.
Denny: Good! I can never understand why people don't use violence more often to solve their problems. Works every time.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Brad: Okay. We're required to turn this over to Ms. Beller and, per the rules of discovery, we'll provide it with the other one hundred thousand pages of documents that pertain to their production request.
Chris Mott: So you're going to bury it.
Brad: No, that would be unethical. We'll simply comply… fully.
Chris Mott: So you're going to bury it.
Brad: No, that would be unethical. We'll simply comply… fully.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Your Honor, I refer you to plaintiff's exhibit number apple.
Eric: I beg your pardon?
Alan: Apple trash can is picked from God.
Eric: Huh?
Judge Willard: Mr Shore!
Alan: Not the years sixty when classic electrons are free.
Eric: Objection! I think.
Judge Willard: Mr Shore, you have a notorious history of courtroom theatrics. If your aim is to force a mistrial, you will be disappointed.
Alan: [emphatically] Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't sailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [sits down, spent and furious, then looks up at everyone and feigns nonchalance] What?
Eric: I beg your pardon?
Alan: Apple trash can is picked from God.
Eric: Huh?
Judge Willard: Mr Shore!
Alan: Not the years sixty when classic electrons are free.
Eric: Objection! I think.
Judge Willard: Mr Shore, you have a notorious history of courtroom theatrics. If your aim is to force a mistrial, you will be disappointed.
Alan: [emphatically] Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't sailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [sits down, spent and furious, then looks up at everyone and feigns nonchalance] What?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: There's a reason Shakespeare and many after him said 'First kill all the lawyers.' They're talking about people like me, Jerry, not you.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Alan you know the one thing we sometimes forget is no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices were, how complex your ethical decisions...you always get to choose what you want for lunch.
Alan: Daily I am amazed at your inexhaustable ability to just live.
Denny: It's either that or die.
Alan: Daily I am amazed at your inexhaustable ability to just live.
Denny: It's either that or die.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: I hear you misplaced a client.
Alan: Not really. Like car keys and sunglasses, he'll show up somewhere.
Alan: Not really. Like car keys and sunglasses, he'll show up somewhere.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: I misplaced a client once.
Alan: Did they ever find him?
Denny: No, I made sure to ship him off to some country with no extradition. Practically a deserted island off the coast of South America. He sends me Feliz Cumpleanos cards every year.
Alan: That's thoughtful. Sounds like paradise actually. Living on an island. A much simpler life.
Denny: Especially if it's an island where the natives run around the beach with their boobies hanging out.
Alan: Did they ever find him?
Denny: No, I made sure to ship him off to some country with no extradition. Practically a deserted island off the coast of South America. He sends me Feliz Cumpleanos cards every year.
Alan: That's thoughtful. Sounds like paradise actually. Living on an island. A much simpler life.
Denny: Especially if it's an island where the natives run around the beach with their boobies hanging out.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Does that mean you're back on the market?
Shirley: Denny, as far you're concerned I'm always on the market.
Denny: We know we don't deserve Shirley Schmidt. Just the possibility is enough to sustain us.
Shirley: You are a dear, sweet man. And I have something else that might sustain you. [whispers into his ear] Denny Crane.
Shirley: Denny, as far you're concerned I'm always on the market.
Denny: We know we don't deserve Shirley Schmidt. Just the possibility is enough to sustain us.
Shirley: You are a dear, sweet man. And I have something else that might sustain you. [whispers into his ear] Denny Crane.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: There's no doubt in my mind that you could develop into a first rate criminal defender, Jerry. But my hope is that you don't. Even at your relatively mature age you're still innocent.
Jerry: Except when I held a knife to Shirley's throat.
Jerry: Except when I held a knife to Shirley's throat.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Ivan: So basically if I screw around she gets my life.
Shirley: Not your whole life, just the parts you love.
Shirley: Not your whole life, just the parts you love.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Brad: [to Denise] So let me ask you this: in Italian does the word 'vagina' mean something else?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Ivan: I brought wine, cheese, and condoms. I thought we'd picnic.
Shirley: Missy came to my office today.
Ivan: Aw. So just the wine and cheese.
Shirley: Missy came to my office today.
Ivan: Aw. So just the wine and cheese.
TV Show: Boston Legal
ADA Kupfer: You know if the US really wanted to torture detainees, they'd sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine it's excruciating.
Alan: You have no idea.
Alan: You have no idea.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Dr. Field: I didn't shoot before Denny, but I will this time. I really will.
Denny: Sydney, I took you out once. Don't make me do it again.
Dr. Field: With what?
Denny: This! [takes out his gun and fires]
Alan: You said you'd never so much as look at a gun again.
Denny: I never said I wouldn't shoot one.
Denny: Sydney, I took you out once. Don't make me do it again.
Dr. Field: With what?
Denny: This! [takes out his gun and fires]
Alan: You said you'd never so much as look at a gun again.
Denny: I never said I wouldn't shoot one.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Sanders: I've had enough of all this! Mr. Crane, you had no excuse to be carrying a gun.
Denny: (To Judge Sanders) Second Amendment! Founding Fathers! You probably knew them.
Judge Sanders: Jibber Jabber!
Denny: (To Judge Sanders) Second Amendment! Founding Fathers! You probably knew them.
Judge Sanders: Jibber Jabber!
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Sanders: What is this jibber jabber?
Alan: That wouldn't be jibber jabber, Your Honor, that's a gun.
Alan: That wouldn't be jibber jabber, Your Honor, that's a gun.
TV Show: Boston Legal