Everwood Quotes

Dr. Andrew Brown: What is that out front?
Ephram: Doe, a deer. A female deer.

TV Show: Everwood
Dr. Harold Abbott: My daughter is dating a paroled addict.
Dr. Andrew Brown: My 16 year-old son is dating his 20 year old baby sitter.
Dr. Harold Abbott: Barkeep, two more.

TV Show: Everwood
Ephram: Come on, you're a sock. Why do you have to fight me all the way up?

TV Show: Everwood
[Amy is nervously trying to explain how she is fine and notices that Ephram is just staring at her]
Amy: What?
Ephram: You're talking faster than my brain processes language.

TV Show: Everwood
[Re: All the marijuana growing in Irma's greenhouse]
Dr. Andrew Brown: Somewhere, Jerry Garcia is weeping.
Rose: I just don't know what Irma was doing with all this marijuana.
Dr. Andrew Brown: Well, I can certainly guess what she was doing with some of it.

TV Show: Everwood
[to Rev. Keyes]
Doctor Brown: I melt down, you practically carry me home, and YOU want to say sorry? You - you're like a saint, only annoying.

TV Show: Everwood
Ephram: We're moving where?
Dr. Brown: To Everwood, Colorado.
Delia: Where's that?
Ephram: Colorado, moron. Wh-why, are we moving there?
Dr. Brown: Someone told me about it once. They said it was the most beautiful place they had ever seen. It's on this hill. Or is it a mountain? Or maybe it's on a hill by a mountain. Anyway, I was thinking last night that we should move there. What do you say?
Ephram: I say that's not even a reason.
Dr. Brown: I know. How great is that? We'll be moving to some place for no reason at all.
Ephram: That's not great. That's crazy. That's Harrison Ford in Mosquito Coast crazy.
Dr. Brown: You say crazy. I say it might be the sanest thing I've ever done. Now, I want this to be a democratic decision so we're going to put it to vote. Everyone who wants to move...and get their own horse, raise your hand.
[Dr. Brown has his hand raised and at the horse comment, Delia does too.]
Dr. Brown: Well, that decides it.
Ephram: Democratic? You bought her vote.
Dr. Brown: Yeah. That's the American version.

TV Show: Everwood
Teen #1: Hey freak, what's with your hair, man? Did they run out of green at the store?
Teen #2: Hey you, my friend here asked you a question. Where's your manners?
Ephram: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't understand. You see, I don't speak dumb-ass. Since obviously you do, maybe you can translate for me.

TV Show: Everwood
Amy: You were bold out there.
Ephram: Oh, it was strategy, really.
Amy: Strategy?
Ephram: I find it's best when dealing with any unfamiliar bully to strike early with sarcasm. Yeah, it makes them wonder if I have some butt-kicking prowess that they're unable to detect.
Amy: Wow. You have really thought this out.
Ephram: Yeah, well, spend as much time in a gym locker as me, you'd have a few theories of your own.

TV Show: Everwood
Amy: What's it like? Having a dad who's famous.
Ephram: Oh. It's like this: You're eight years old. He misses your birthday party. You wanna cry about it but he's on TV that night for separating the heads of Siamese twins. You're ten. He's not there to see you in the school play. He is however in the New York Times for restoring the vision of a five-year-old kid. I think he was my dad's excuse for missing my elementary school graduation. You know you want to be mad at him. You wanna hate him. But you can't. He's saving lives.

TV Show: Everwood
Ephram: He said you were crazy. And you know what? News flash, you are. All right, you quit your job, you grow this ugly ass beard, you look like you wear your clothes to bed and you move us to No-wheres-ville U.S.A.! And why? For what reason? Because someone told you it was pretty once!? And if that's not enough, you talk to Mom like she's still here; I've seen you, and Delia has too. What do I have to say for myself?! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Dr. Brown: I can't believe you think my beard is ugly.
Ephram: Mom would never have done this to us! She never would've moved us here and gone crazy!
Dr. Brown: Don't be so sure of that!
Ephram: I am sure! All right, I knew her. You didn't know her. We all just tolerated you!
Dr. Brown: Hey, that's pretty good, what else you got?!
Ephram: I wish you died instead of her!
Dr. Brown: Well, I wish I did too, you little bastard!
Ephram: I hate you!
Dr. Brown: Well, I hate you right back! Now get in that house!
Ephram: I'm going for a ride! [He grabs his bike]
Dr. Brown: Oh, yeah?!
Ephram: Yeah!
Dr. Brown: At some point you're getting in that house!

TV Show: Everwood
Dr. Brown: [at Gino Chang's, a combination Chinese/Italian restaurant] OK, we'll have one order of the minestrone soup, two orders of the chicken parmesan, one sweet and sour pork and a couple of egg rolls to start.
Ephram: I'd like to take a moment and point out that this is... hands down the weirdest restaurant we've ever been to. And we're from New York City where we're regularly served by drag queens named Frank.
Delia: I think it's cool!

TV Show: Everwood
Dr. Abbott: [about Ephram] Over my dead and decaying corpse you're going to Thaw Fest with that boy!
Amy: I am not going with him. I'm just meeting him there. And, since when do you care who I go to Thaw Fest with?
Dr. Abbott: Since you started asking future parolees to attend with you.
Amy: You don't know him! This is so unfair.
Dr. Abbott: Well in certain parent-child conflicts, fairness is irrelevant.
Amy: Why is it always the parent that always gets to decide the relevancy of fairness?
Rose: An excellent question, if I do say so myself.
Dr. Abbott: Hello, dear.
Amy: Mom, Dad is being EXCRUCIATING!
Dr. Abbott: Excruciating literally means to feel the pain of crucifixion. While my law may be difficult at times, I think we can both agree that Jesus had it a bit tougher.
Amy: He didn't live here.

TV Show: Everwood
Dr. Brown: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, excellent choice, Delia.
Ephram: Don't let her watch it.
Delia: Be quiet.
Dr. Brown: Am I missing something?
Ephram: Eight years of raising her. She can't watch that movie, it upsets her.
Delia: It does not.
Ephram: Well, that is if you don't count the screaming and nights on my floor.
Dr. Brown: Delia?
Delia: Well, it used to scare me, but it doesn't anymore.
Ephram: Ah, that's what she always says. Like a junkie begging for more smack.
Delia: I'm not a junkie, you're a junkie.
Dr. Brown: Nobody's a junkie in this house.

TV Show: Everwood
Bright: How goes it.. Bone-lick?
Amy: He has to hang with us.
Ephram: No offense, Amy, but he's really my least favorite thing about you.
Bright: Yeah? Well, you're really my least favorite thing about you.
Ephram: Dude, you've really gotta work on the insults.

TV Show: Everwood
Ephram: So what do people do up here, besides wait for an early demise... and ask really dumb questions
Amy: Actually I brought you up here to tell you something very important. Grover.
Ephram: Grover?
Amy: It's my nickname. I always loved Grover as a kid. I know for most kids, it's all "Winnie the Pooh" or "Hello Kitty", or occasionally, "Strawberry Shortcake" but, for me, life was about a little blue Muppet named Grover.
Ephram: Well, Grover was a very underrated Muppet.

TV Show: Everwood
Irv: [About Edna] We went steady in the 5th grade. She introduced me to hickies and shoplifting.

TV Show: Everwood
Amy: Maybe if you weren't scowling all the time people wouldn't feel the need to disinvite you places.
Ephram: You're right maybe I should take up football and cow tipping and then I could the most popular boy in the school.

TV Show: Everwood
Delia: You should be happy you made a friend.
Ephram: What's that supposed to mean?
Delia: It's not easy. Everybody in my class has known each other since the nineties.

TV Show: Everwood
Ephram: Boy, can I clear a hallway or what?
Amy: That's Kayla and Paige. They're allergic to anyone who's not at the top-2 popularity percentile.
Ephram: I'm only 98 percent short.

TV Show: Everwood
Amy: My friend Kayla is having a birthday party. Wanna go?
Ephram: Do you need somebody to play Happy Birthday?
Amy: Come on... you'll be my guest.
Ephram: I don't know... me, your friends... lit candles in the same room?

TV Show: Everwood
Irv: [voiceover] Legend has it this bridge was constructed by a young man and women who lived on opposite sides of the river the two fell in love and constructed the bridge so they could meet in the middle and share what would be their first kiss. From that day on it would be known appropriately as the kissing bridge and if people had just stuck to the kissing Dr. Brown would have been able to avoid one heck of a crisis.

TV Show: Everwood
Amy: My dad is going to kill me.
Ephram: I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him why you went.
Amy: That's not the way it works at my house.
Ephram: How does it work?
Amy: He yells, I apologize, there's a sentencing of some sort, and then I plea bargain with my mother until the sentence gets reduced.
Ephram: In my house it's more like, I yell, he yells, we both keep yelling, and eventually someone gets tired.

TV Show: Everwood
Dr. Abbott: Did I mention I had only three hours of sleep last night?
Edna: About a hundred times now. I swear, you yammer on like an old woman. Besides, we're almost there.
Dr. Abbott: Almost where? We're in the middle of forest oblivion. If I didn't know you better mother, I'd think you brought me out here to knock me off. On second thought...

TV Show: Everwood
Ephram: What? What is it? Are you moving us to Zimbabwe or something? What?
Andy: No no no, it's nothing like that, I'm just thinking about something. It's funny actually. Well it's not so much funny 'ha ha' is... you see... the thing is, I don't know whether or not you've ever had sex.
Ephram: And you never will.
Andy: OK then. Good talking to you.

TV Show: Everwood
Andy: Look, Ephram, I think you're being just a little bit melodramatic, it's not like I'm trying to ruin your life.
Ephram: You don't have to try, you do it pretty naturally.

TV Show: Everwood
Dr. Brown: What is that out front?
Ephram: Doe, a deer. A female deer.

TV Show: Everwood
Delia: My mom used to talk to God in a Synagogue. Maybe we could go to one?
Edna: The nearest Synagogue's two hours away. Maybe we could talk to God someplace local. How about the video store? We can rent The Chosen.

TV Show: Everwood
Ephram: I'm pretty sure the trail follows the creek, but check the map.
Dr. Brown: No, left.
Ephram: Sure?
Andy: I used to navigate people's frontal lobes Ephram, I think I can follow directions.

TV Show: Everwood
Ephram: [to Amy] I haven't made anything for myself here... except you.

TV Show: Everwood