3rd Rock from the Sun Quotes

[Dick is putting on a corset to become thinner]
Sally: What's that?
Dick: It's called the 'Shatner.'

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
[Sally is talking to her plant]
Sally: You hungry? Oh, I know you--you wouldn't say anything if you were.
[she pours some of her Coke into the pot]
Sally: You're so nice. You're not at all arrogant or demanding like most people I know.
Tommy: You must be bored out of your mind.
Sally: Actually, I'm not.
Tommy: I was talking to the plant.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
[Harry, with a camera, sneaks up behind August in school to get a photo of her]
August(noticing Harry): Harry?
Harry: I am not Harry.
August: What are you doing here? And what's with the camera?
Harry: What camera?

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Dick: My pants fit! I won the war!
Harry: That's great, Dick! So you lost weight?
Dick: Even better - I bought bigger pants!

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Dick: Maybe you'll all change your tune when you hear about something called... 'reasonable doubt.'
Juror #1: What's the point?
Dick: The point is it's reasonable to assume Foster used the money to pay for his daughter's life-threatening operation.
Juror #2: No, it isn't.
Juror #3: He doesn't have a daughter.
Juror #1: It's not reasonable doubt if you just make things up!

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
[Jury selection]
Prosecuting lawyer: Do you believe everything you read in the newspaper?
Dick: Yes! No! I don't know what I believe anymore! You tell me what to believe and I'll do it!
Prosecuting lawyer: He's fine with me.
Defense lawyer: Me, too.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Dick: I'm not finger-pointing... [points at Mary]...but it's YOUR fault! YOU!

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Tommy: This ice cream is delicious.
Harry: [looking at the box] Actually, it's ‘sinfully delicious.' I would gladly go to Hell for a pint of this.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
[Don is telling a story]
Officer Don: And then I said to the robber, "Not your pants, the gun!" [everyone laughs] Yeah... that didn't really happen.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Dick: Nina, who is this 'Tom' that Mary keeps talking about?
Nina: I don't know, and it's none of my business.
Dick: It's none of my business and I'm obsessed with it!
Nina: That's typical. Why is it that men think that when you plant the flag, you own the mountain.
Dick: I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I'm not about to let some guy yodel on it!

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Mary: Most people dismiss non-literate cultures.
Tommy: Well, we live in one.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Officer Don: Here, sign this.
Eddie: What is it?
Officer Don: Oh, it just absolves us of any wrongdoing in arresting you without reason and without any evidence. It's standard.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Dick: Eddie, you stole my car, but more importantly, you broke my heart. You wanna know what's worse?
Eddie: What?
Dick: That you stole my car.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Tommy: We don't have cell phones; we're from Ohio!

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Harry: (to Tommy and Dick) Boys, we're going to San Francisco!
Mascha: San Diego!
Harry: San Diego!

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Dick: Nina, here are the keys to my Rambler. Take it somewhere and have my tires rotated.
Nina: That's not in my job description.
Dick: What is in your job description?
Nina: Typing.
Dick: Okay, well, type it into your job description and have it done by lunch.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Mary: I think it's unfair that you demand Sally do whatever you want as if you were... king of the universe!
Dick: Oh, please! We look nothing alike.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Sally: Don't listen to him, he's just a kid.
Salesman: Oh, don't worry. I used to be a kid myself... a long time ago. [laughs] Say there, sport, you like girls?
Tommy: Yeah. Sorry.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
[Harry has taken over Tommy's job as Information Officer]
Dick: Harry, write this down. I need you to find a place--
Harry: W-w-wait. [writes]I...need...you...to...find...
Dick: Harry, forget writing it down. Just memorize it. I need you to find-—
Harry: W-w-wait. [puts finger to forehead]I...need...you...to...find...
Dick: Harry, forget memorizing it. Just listen to me. I need you to find a place for Mary to sing. Harry?
Harry: Oh, sorry, I was thinking about cake.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Dick: The library’s closed on Saturday?
Mary: Dick, this — is — not — a — good — school!

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Nina: Where's Dr. Albright?
Tommy: Well, we're not sure, but we think she's having sex with Dick in an unknown location.
Nina: Oh my God, what is she thinking?
Tommy: What's she thinking? What is he thinking?
Nina: Okay, can we just agree they're both freaks?
Tommy: Yeah!

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
George Albright: [entering Mary's office] Mary.
Mary: Daddy!
George Albright: Hey there, magpie.
Mary: What a nice surprise.
George Albright: Well, not really... I've left your mother.
Mary: Again?

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Eddie: Just a couple of rules: don't curse and don't spill nothing and if you spill something, don't curse.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Dick: How about a new strategy? What about "sad cop, slightly effeminate cop?"

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Dick: And what makes that cop's gun so cool? PHYSICS! Kinetic energy generates the velocity with which the bullet exits the barrel, while the ballistics coefficient and sectional density determine the damage to its targets! Guns don't kill people, PHYSICS kills people!

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Sally: It says here the average American uses 4.1 pounds of butter a year.
Tommy: Orally?

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Sally: I'm part of a community--a community that embraces wholesome, American values. And if you cross us... we will destroy you.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Mary: This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!
Dick: Once again I come in second.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Dick: Dr. Neesam, I find you to be pompous, judgmental and completely self-absorbed. Would you be my friend?
[pause]
Liam: We'll see.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun
Liam: Your head is like a cookie. I just want to eat it.

TV Show: 3rd Rock from the Sun