Weeds Quotes
Drug rehab secretary: We ran your insurance info a few times, and it's not exactly accurate.
Celia Hodes: What seems to be the problem?
Drug rehab secretary: You don't have any. The policy number you gave us belongs to an individual who is deceased...and Korean.
Celia Hodes: What seems to be the problem?
Drug rehab secretary: You don't have any. The policy number you gave us belongs to an individual who is deceased...and Korean.
TV Show: Weeds
[to the drug rehab secretary about not having insurance]
Celia Hodes: Don't you have a work program? I could do...dishes, landscaping...
Drug rehab secretary: I'm sorry, Celia. What we pay our help in a year won't cover a week here.
Celia Hodes: Don't you have a work program? I could do...dishes, landscaping...
Drug rehab secretary: I'm sorry, Celia. What we pay our help in a year won't cover a week here.
TV Show: Weeds
Maria (Mermex): He is a terrible man.
Andy Botwin: What? Doug? Come on. He's a great guy.
Maria (Mermex): He is a criminal.
Andy Botwin: He's an accountant.
Maria (Mermex): A thief, who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.
Andy Botwin: A CPA with legal problems who's going through a divorce and is wildly in love with you.
Maria (Mermex): He has warts on his genitals.
Andy Botwin: Yeah, I got nothing to that.
Andy Botwin: What? Doug? Come on. He's a great guy.
Maria (Mermex): He is a criminal.
Andy Botwin: He's an accountant.
Maria (Mermex): A thief, who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.
Andy Botwin: A CPA with legal problems who's going through a divorce and is wildly in love with you.
Maria (Mermex): He has warts on his genitals.
Andy Botwin: Yeah, I got nothing to that.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia Hodes: I thought I had hit bottom. But after hearing your stories, I realize it could be so much worse. The truth is, none of you have *any* chance in *hell* of ever pulling your lives back together, if you even had lives to begin with. As I have listened to your tales of burning wreckage and shattered existence, I realize that I...am the only one here that has any chance at all - a chance to make amends...and to start over...fresh.
Drug rehab's group counselor: [after Celia leaves] Stupid-ass bitch.
Drug rehab's group counselor: [after Celia leaves] Stupid-ass bitch.
TV Show: Weeds
Maria (Mermex): [grabs Andy's naked crotch] You are excited.
Andy Botwin: No, no. It's just windy out.
Maria (Mermex): I do not think it is the wind.
Andy Botwin: [trying to resist himself as she kisses her way down]Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs!
Andy Botwin: No, no. It's just windy out.
Maria (Mermex): I do not think it is the wind.
Andy Botwin: [trying to resist himself as she kisses her way down]Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs!
TV Show: Weeds
Doug Wilson: As soon as we figure out our next venture, I want to get a bigger place. I'm thinking generic mexican pharmaceuticals. Sell them to old people with no insurance. What do you think?
TV Show: Weeds
Andy Botwin: [after confessing to Doug of having sex with Maria] It will never happen again.
Maria (Mermex): [to Andy] It will. It will happen many times.
Maria (Mermex): [to Andy] It will. It will happen many times.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia Hodes: [to her daughter] And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you. And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice. If you want to love the ladies, love those ladies. Vagina power! I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah.
TV Show: Weeds
Dr. Audra Kitson: Name one jazz musician.
Andy Botwin: [pauses, thinking] ...Dr. Teeth.
Andy Botwin: [pauses, thinking] ...Dr. Teeth.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer, put your tits away in front of my kid.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: I'm not a dealer, I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: Nice, Shane goes on a paint rampage, gets suspended. The two of you ditch school to fuck in my guest room. I've got everything under control.
Quinn: But don't you see, technically we're not under your roof.
TV Show: Weeds
[bantering about racial prejudices]
Conrad Shepard: You calling black people stupid?
Nancy Botwin: And lazy... and they also steal.
Heylia James: Yeah, but we sings and we dances real good.
Conrad Shepard: You calling black people stupid?
Nancy Botwin: And lazy... and they also steal.
Heylia James: Yeah, but we sings and we dances real good.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: Andy, this is my business, it's nothing to do with you. Go downstairs and do what you do best, patrol the couch in your underwear.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: Andy, today it was brought to my attention that the downside to this business is death, so right now I'm not thinking about "the bakery" I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy Botwin: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy Botwin: Ok, now I pledge never to die.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: Foul! Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?
Celia Hodes: Well, technically, Nancy, Ref can't call a foul. Shane was kicked by his own teammates.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: Hey, that bag looks a little small.
Conrad Shepard: You never question Heylia's eyeballing. That's the rainman of weed right there.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: Obviously menopause has effected your sense of smell.
Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: People got stoned for The Passion of the Christ? That's disturbing.
Josh Wilson: It's not as disturbing as seeing it not stoned. Religion my ass, it's a straight-up snuff film.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: You listen, you stay away from my customer base, you don't deal to kids.
Josh Wilson: They're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed, no grass on the field no grass will they yield.
Nancy Botwin: You're a poet.
Josh Wilson: You know it.
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy Botwin: You promised me no kids.
Josh Wilson: Yeah, but they all want it, and they cry if you say no.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia Hodes: [holds up a flyer] Here. I'm posting these in the neighborhood. I tell you, I have a good mind to stay in a hotel until they catch that cougar. Though a part of me is hoping it will maul Dean, and I wouldn't want to miss that.
Nancy Botwin: "What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly." Are you sure this isn't what to do if you *date* a mountain lion?
TV Show: Weeds
Celia Hodes: [watching a video of her daughter flipping her off] I should've had an abortion.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia Hodes: Here's the thing, I really want to fuck around on Dean but the thought of putting one more cock into my mouth is just too depressing.
Nancy Botwin: I'm not sure a vagina would be much of an improvement for you.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia Hodes: I followed Dean here, did you see him?
Nancy Botwin: Yes, I did, they were playing poker
Celia Hodes: Oh, great, now he's going to come home broke, stinking of marijuana. Guess that's better than oriental pussy.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia Hodes: Is it true what they say? That once a white woman's been with a carpenter she never goes back?
Conrad Shepard: Baby, once I nail something, it stays nailed.
TV Show: Weeds