Weeds Quotes
Shane: I am so dead, I am so dead. Is he coming?
Silas: There's no one chasing you, Shane. Oh man, are you wearing lipstick?
Quinn: It's not lipstick. It's fruit punch.
Shane: I threw a can of soda at Devon Rensler.
Silas: Well that was stupid.
Shane: He called me "Orphan boy."
Silas: He's a fuckwad.
Quinn: Did you hit him?
Shane: No, just grazed him.
Silas: Oh, that's bad. You can't miss the bear.
Quinn: What bear?
Shane: I missed the bear… The shot was no where near his optimum kill zone.
Quinn: What are you talking about?
Silas: Don't you watch bear hunt? On the wilderness channel.
Quinn: Somehow I've missed it.
Shane: It's only the best show in the history of television!
Silas: Every week these guys with gun racks and their big old monster trucks go out and they kill a bear.
Quinn: That's horrible
Shane: No, it's so awesome!
Silas: Right, right, right
Shane: You've gotta bring enough gun to get the job done. Oh! And tell her about CGS!
Silas: Whoa, Shane, you're gonna wet yourself.
Shane: Shut up, you're just as into it.
Silas: Carter Grizzly Sike. He's the host. At the end of the show –
Shane: He's got the head of the bear that they shot that week.
Silas: Right, right, and he leaves you with, like, these wise parting words like (in a red neck accent), "You can't miss the bear or he's gonna turn around and rip you open like a present from your mama on Christmas morning."
Quinn: Okay, we are breaking up.
Silas: Come on, think of the time this'll save us on foreplay. You just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," and I'll be good to go.
Quin
Silas: There's no one chasing you, Shane. Oh man, are you wearing lipstick?
Quinn: It's not lipstick. It's fruit punch.
Shane: I threw a can of soda at Devon Rensler.
Silas: Well that was stupid.
Shane: He called me "Orphan boy."
Silas: He's a fuckwad.
Quinn: Did you hit him?
Shane: No, just grazed him.
Silas: Oh, that's bad. You can't miss the bear.
Quinn: What bear?
Shane: I missed the bear… The shot was no where near his optimum kill zone.
Quinn: What are you talking about?
Silas: Don't you watch bear hunt? On the wilderness channel.
Quinn: Somehow I've missed it.
Shane: It's only the best show in the history of television!
Silas: Every week these guys with gun racks and their big old monster trucks go out and they kill a bear.
Quinn: That's horrible
Shane: No, it's so awesome!
Silas: Right, right, right
Shane: You've gotta bring enough gun to get the job done. Oh! And tell her about CGS!
Silas: Whoa, Shane, you're gonna wet yourself.
Shane: Shut up, you're just as into it.
Silas: Carter Grizzly Sike. He's the host. At the end of the show –
Shane: He's got the head of the bear that they shot that week.
Silas: Right, right, and he leaves you with, like, these wise parting words like (in a red neck accent), "You can't miss the bear or he's gonna turn around and rip you open like a present from your mama on Christmas morning."
Quinn: Okay, we are breaking up.
Silas: Come on, think of the time this'll save us on foreplay. You just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," and I'll be good to go.
Quin
TV Show: Weeds
Shane: Do you think I'm weird?
Judah: Totally weird, but you're awesome. ?nd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-ten-year-old on earth.
Shane: What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelieveable, amazing ten year old out there?
Judah: Why would I trade down? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.
Judah: Totally weird, but you're awesome. ?nd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-ten-year-old on earth.
Shane: What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelieveable, amazing ten year old out there?
Judah: Why would I trade down? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia: Dean?? You awake? (Buzz go the hair clippers)
Isabelle: (In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?
Isabelle: (In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?
TV Show: Weeds
Silas: Tell me where she is!
Celia: Why? So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from Casa Reforma?
Silas: I love her.
Celia: You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.
Celia: Why? So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from Casa Reforma?
Silas: I love her.
Celia: You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.
TV Show: Weeds
Silas: I am her family.
Celia: Ugh, God, poor thing. Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you? Is that what you think? Now I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to Mexico and she didn't call you. She didn't write or IM or e-mail you either, did she? But I'll tell you what she did do, she downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips. Because all that Quinn cares about is Quinn. She takes after her father that way…. Poor schmuck.
Celia: Ugh, God, poor thing. Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you? Is that what you think? Now I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to Mexico and she didn't call you. She didn't write or IM or e-mail you either, did she? But I'll tell you what she did do, she downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips. Because all that Quinn cares about is Quinn. She takes after her father that way…. Poor schmuck.
TV Show: Weeds
Heylia: Oh, you poor schmuck, you just played wrong (lays down a domino). That's a boat!
Nancy: Wait, a boat is when the four ends add up to 20?
Heylia: A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switchin' bitches.
Nancy: Three switchin' bitches?
Conrad: It's 15. And a boat is 20. Stop fuckin' with her, she's just tryin' to learn the game.
Nancy: Wait, a boat is when the four ends add up to 20?
Heylia: A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switchin' bitches.
Nancy: Three switchin' bitches?
Conrad: It's 15. And a boat is 20. Stop fuckin' with her, she's just tryin' to learn the game.
TV Show: Weeds
Lupita: I call 911. (Into phone) Hello? Hello?
Silas: Fucking perfect the phone's still dead.
Lupita: (Smacks Silas) You don't say fucking to your mother.
Silas: Fucking perfect the phone's still dead.
Lupita: (Smacks Silas) You don't say fucking to your mother.
TV Show: Weeds
Mr. Norman: (In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!
Nurse: Mr. Norman, step back into your line.
Mr. Norman: (towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.
Shane: (from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.
Mr. Norman: (Whiny) ‘It's throbbing, Mom.'
Nancy: Back off, nutty!
Mr. Norman: (Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.
Nancy: I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.
Mr. Norman: (Straightening up) What goat?
Nurse: Mr. Norman, step back into your line.
Mr. Norman: (towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.
Shane: (from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.
Mr. Norman: (Whiny) ‘It's throbbing, Mom.'
Nancy: Back off, nutty!
Mr. Norman: (Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.
Nancy: I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.
Mr. Norman: (Straightening up) What goat?
TV Show: Weeds
Nancy: What do you do if somebody actually calls to get his house cleaned?
Heylia: Then I refer ‘em to my cousin Zondra, who cleans for real. She don't make shit, but Zondra found the Lord so she don't care.
Heylia: Then I refer ‘em to my cousin Zondra, who cleans for real. She don't make shit, but Zondra found the Lord so she don't care.
TV Show: Weeds
Vaneeta: How much you think we get for that? (referring to Nancy's wedding bang and ring)
Heylia: Nothin'. She'll be back.
Heylia: Nothin'. She'll be back.
TV Show: Weeds
Tennis Pro: We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.
Celia: I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.
Celia: I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia: He always did excellent work down there… Piece of shit.
Tennis Pro: IS that what you think? He's shit?
Celia: You know, when you stop being cute and clean and funny at home and start spending afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.
Tennis Pro: IS that what you think? He's shit?
Celia: You know, when you stop being cute and clean and funny at home and start spending afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia: He just turned out to be another mid-level asshole. And that makes me Mrs. Mid-level Asshole.
TV Show: Weeds
Tennis Pro: I'm sorry.
Celia: Your'e a big whore.
Tennis Pro: I think I should go now
Celia: Oh, sit your flat ass back down. You know, you're a good listener.
Tennis Pro: Thanks.
Celia: Fuck you. Let's get another round.
Celia: Your'e a big whore.
Tennis Pro: I think I should go now
Celia: Oh, sit your flat ass back down. You know, you're a good listener.
Tennis Pro: Thanks.
Celia: Fuck you. Let's get another round.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia: (A little tipsy, pulls up next to Nancy in Conrads hoopdie) Hey Nancy! Where's your, where's your ring?
Nancy: My ring?
Celia: Yeah, you're pretty little diamond ring.
Nancy: It's in the shop.
Celia: Oh, well, I hope they can fix it.
Nancy: Yes, me too, Celia. Thanks!
Nancy: My ring?
Celia: Yeah, you're pretty little diamond ring.
Nancy: It's in the shop.
Celia: Oh, well, I hope they can fix it.
Nancy: Yes, me too, Celia. Thanks!
TV Show: Weeds
Mrs. Elderman: (On the News) I haven't seen Chester, oh that's my cat, in 2 days. Umm, I dunno though, would a big cat eat a smaller cat? I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?
TV Show: Weeds
Doug: (On phone) Hey listen, I've got somebody here, we'll finish this up at the next counsel meeting. Your turn to bring the vodka. Okay, you too. Yes, yes, I fucked your wife. Yes, I fucked your mother. Okay, bye.
TV Show: Weeds
Doug: Oh, it's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam, only better, because you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.
TV Show: Weeds
Doug: See this Lollipop
Nancy: It isn't...?
Doug: Yes, I'm getting high right now and you can't even tell.
Nancy: It isn't...?
Doug: Yes, I'm getting high right now and you can't even tell.
TV Show: Weeds
Craig X: (at the Bodhi Sativa Caregivers Club) The first thing you wanna do when you come to the club is check out the big board. On the big board we have all the prices and strains and they do change daily. (To another customer) Hey, Billy, how's the arthritis? All right, cool. (Back to Nancy) What was I saying?
TV Show: Weeds
Celia: (Walking into Nancy's House) You really should lock your front door.
Nancy: I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.
Celia: Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.
Nancy: I still say, we got the better end of that deal.
Nancy: I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.
Celia: Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.
Nancy: I still say, we got the better end of that deal.
TV Show: Weeds