Weeds Quotes
Drill sergeant: Get your corn holly shit shit-stained asses over here!
Andy Botwin: What's with all the...recurring homophobic imagery? I'm starting to worry about this guy.
Andy Botwin: What's with all the...recurring homophobic imagery? I'm starting to worry about this guy.
TV Show: Weeds
Celia Hodes: Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?
Doug Wilson: Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a physical colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.
Doug Wilson: Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a physical colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.
TV Show: Weeds
[Silas meets the returning character of PTO Pam in his community service]
Silas Botwin: Mrs. Gruber?
Pam Gruber: Silas!
Pam Gruber: Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly blackout and run your car onto a boulder?
Pam Gruber: [points to a fellow community service worker] Who's that cute Latino guy?
Pam Gruber: [when Silas ignores her] It's so hot! Why don't you take your shirt off?
Silas Botwin: I'm fine.
Pam Gruber: You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're...you're young and lean like ostrich meat.
Silas Botwin: Have you been drinking, Mrs. Gruber?
Pam Gruber: Don't tell! Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it?
Silas Botwin: I guess not!
Pam Gruber: [suddenly leans up to Silas and whispers in his ear] I'm wet!
[Silas goes back to work with a bewildered look]
Silas Botwin: Mrs. Gruber?
Pam Gruber: Silas!
Pam Gruber: Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly blackout and run your car onto a boulder?
Pam Gruber: [points to a fellow community service worker] Who's that cute Latino guy?
Pam Gruber: [when Silas ignores her] It's so hot! Why don't you take your shirt off?
Silas Botwin: I'm fine.
Pam Gruber: You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're...you're young and lean like ostrich meat.
Silas Botwin: Have you been drinking, Mrs. Gruber?
Pam Gruber: Don't tell! Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it?
Silas Botwin: I guess not!
Pam Gruber: [suddenly leans up to Silas and whispers in his ear] I'm wet!
[Silas goes back to work with a bewildered look]
TV Show: Weeds
[Silas goes for his community service but not before telling his mother he plans to sell her drugs to his fellow workers who are both unsupervised and "like to have fun"]
Silas Botwin: This is a non starter.
Nancy Botwin: I will never let you deal.
Silas Botwin: You don't have the choice. I know you don't.
Nancy Botwin: It's too dangerous. I don't want this for you. Come back here.
[Silas simply ignores her and walks out with the drugs]
Nancy Botwin: We'll discuss this later.
Silas Botwin: This is a non starter.
Nancy Botwin: I will never let you deal.
Silas Botwin: You don't have the choice. I know you don't.
Nancy Botwin: It's too dangerous. I don't want this for you. Come back here.
[Silas simply ignores her and walks out with the drugs]
Nancy Botwin: We'll discuss this later.
TV Show: Weeds
[Conrad has to answer the door when someone approaches Celia's rented drug grow house]
A middle-aged woman: [sees Conrad through the door's hatch and is rather surprised an African-American lives in the neighborhood] Oh...
Conrad Shepard: Can I help you?
A middle-aged woman: Uh, [the initial shock slowly fades away] hello. I'm Eve Meriweather.
Conrad Shepard: Good for you.
A middle-aged woman: [sees Conrad through the door's hatch and is rather surprised an African-American lives in the neighborhood] Oh...
Conrad Shepard: Can I help you?
A middle-aged woman: Uh, [the initial shock slowly fades away] hello. I'm Eve Meriweather.
Conrad Shepard: Good for you.
TV Show: Weeds
[Eve Meriweather tells Conrad she goes door-to-door to ask neighbors about any suspicious behavior]
Conrad Shepard: Uh, what is it I'm supposed to be looking out for?
Eve Meriweather: Oh, why our cross, of course. [hands him over an article from the newspaper]
Conrad Shepard: Someone stole your cross?
Eve Meriweather: Yes.
Conrad Shepard: That is a damn shame. Who would do something like that?
Eve Meriweather: Jews.
Conrad Shepard: Hmm, I haven't seen it. Haven't seen many Jews around here, either.
Eve Meriweather: Well, they're mostly urban.
Conrad Shepard: Uh, what is it I'm supposed to be looking out for?
Eve Meriweather: Oh, why our cross, of course. [hands him over an article from the newspaper]
Conrad Shepard: Someone stole your cross?
Eve Meriweather: Yes.
Conrad Shepard: That is a damn shame. Who would do something like that?
Eve Meriweather: Jews.
Conrad Shepard: Hmm, I haven't seen it. Haven't seen many Jews around here, either.
Eve Meriweather: Well, they're mostly urban.
TV Show: Weeds
[Vaneeta, who carries her baby, approaches Celia's rented drug grow house and stumbles into Eve Meriweather]
Eve Meriweather: Well, look at him. Hello, baby. Uh...why are little black babies always so adorable?
Vaneeta: Why are white babies always so ugly?
Eve Meriweather: Well, look at him. Hello, baby. Uh...why are little black babies always so adorable?
Vaneeta: Why are white babies always so ugly?
TV Show: Weeds
[Conrad tries to say goodbye and close the door, but Eve Meriweather stops the door and shoves her head inside]
Eve Meriweather: [with a wicked smile] See you all in church, I hope...
Conrad Shepard: Sure. Church. Praise the lord.
Vaneeta: Hallelujah.
[Eve Meriweather leaves singing to herself and with her hand raised in victory]
Eve Meriweather: [with a wicked smile] See you all in church, I hope...
Conrad Shepard: Sure. Church. Praise the lord.
Vaneeta: Hallelujah.
[Eve Meriweather leaves singing to herself and with her hand raised in victory]
TV Show: Weeds
Fireman: [upon entering Conrad's grow-house] Holy shit! I think they shot "Peckers of the Caribbean" here!
TV Show: Weeds
[at the evacuation center]
Doug Wilson: [playing a banjo and singing around a christian group that reaches ecstasy in their prayers against the fire] The Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are all singing. They're annoying, self-righteous and lame. [imitates their ecstasy] Everybody, come on, all together.
Doug Wilson: [playing a banjo and singing around a christian group that reaches ecstasy in their prayers against the fire] The Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are all singing. They're annoying, self-righteous and lame. [imitates their ecstasy] Everybody, come on, all together.
TV Show: Weeds
[Captain Roy Till investigates Sullivan Groff about the discovered grow house that is under his name]
Sullivan Groff: My company bought it, and then I gave it to Celia.
Captain Roy Till: Now, why would you give this Celia person a house, Mr. Groff?
Sullivan Groff: Because she was my lover. And it was good. And she was getting a divorce, and she wanted a house. But I couldn't put it in her name because the divorce hadn't gone through yet. The power of passion makes you do crazy things. Captain Till, is it?
Captain Roy Till: Okay, so you buy her a house, and I assume you're fucking her in said house, she of the magical house-earning pussy - did you not notice the many marijuana plants that were growing in her living room?
Sullivan Groff: Well, we broke up a few weeks ago, so she must have started growing it right after that. You know, it's funny. I would have never pegged her as the drug-dealing type. She's a very complicated woman.
Captain Roy Till: Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a porsche?
Sullivan Groff: My company bought it, and then I gave it to Celia.
Captain Roy Till: Now, why would you give this Celia person a house, Mr. Groff?
Sullivan Groff: Because she was my lover. And it was good. And she was getting a divorce, and she wanted a house. But I couldn't put it in her name because the divorce hadn't gone through yet. The power of passion makes you do crazy things. Captain Till, is it?
Captain Roy Till: Okay, so you buy her a house, and I assume you're fucking her in said house, she of the magical house-earning pussy - did you not notice the many marijuana plants that were growing in her living room?
Sullivan Groff: Well, we broke up a few weeks ago, so she must have started growing it right after that. You know, it's funny. I would have never pegged her as the drug-dealing type. She's a very complicated woman.
Captain Roy Till: Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a porsche?
TV Show: Weeds
Guillermo: [talking about the fire he stared] And it goes like that, just over and over, all the way south to Mexico. [nods his head forward]
Nancy Botwin: [whispering to his ear] You're facing west.
Guillermo: See, I could use you. You tell me which way is south. [rubbing against her] You be my navigator.
Nancy Botwin: Hand off the ass.
Nancy Botwin: [whispering to his ear] You're facing west.
Guillermo: See, I could use you. You tell me which way is south. [rubbing against her] You be my navigator.
Nancy Botwin: Hand off the ass.
TV Show: Weeds
[at the evacuation center]
Doug Wilson: [walking around people playing a guitar and singing] Well, this is just like the Superdome except no rape or piles of human waste. It's still not quite like home even though we got wi-fi, some cookies and toothpaste. Yeah, it's just like the Superdome 'cept everyone's white and middle-class. We got some yoga people chanting, oh, there's lots of Gatorade and toilet paper to wipe our ass. This is just like the Superdo-doh-ome.
Doug Wilson: [walking around people playing a guitar and singing] Well, this is just like the Superdome except no rape or piles of human waste. It's still not quite like home even though we got wi-fi, some cookies and toothpaste. Yeah, it's just like the Superdome 'cept everyone's white and middle-class. We got some yoga people chanting, oh, there's lots of Gatorade and toilet paper to wipe our ass. This is just like the Superdo-doh-ome.
TV Show: Weeds
News anchor: Apparently, a religious group chanting "Jesus will protect us" forced their way into the burning house in an attempt to rescue the Majestic cross. Now those members are being treated at a nearby hospital for minor burns and smoke inhalation. [turns to face a gurney bound Tara] Can you tell us why you ran into a burning house?
Tara Lindman: The Lord told us to go.
Silas Botwin: [watching the news] Okay, I'm over her.
Tara Lindman: The Lord told us to go.
Silas Botwin: [watching the news] Okay, I'm over her.
TV Show: Weeds
[after her rented grow house is discovered, Celia is called in for questioning, but the detectives just stare at her quietly]
Celia Hodes: Nancy Botwin.
Celia Hodes: Nancy Botwin.
TV Show: Weeds
Lenny Botwin: [complaining to his grandchildren about how Andy was as a child] I asked that prick over there to pedal his little bicycle, which I bought him, up to Del Mar and throw down $100 on a sure thing.
Andy Botwin: Father of the year.
Lenny Botwin: What the fuck does he do? He pockets it. Goes out and buys himself some Star Trek piece of shit.
Andy Botwin: It was Boba Fett.
Lenny Botwin: I don't even know what that means!
Andy Botwin: Father of the year.
Lenny Botwin: What the fuck does he do? He pockets it. Goes out and buys himself some Star Trek piece of shit.
Andy Botwin: It was Boba Fett.
Lenny Botwin: I don't even know what that means!
TV Show: Weeds
[while in the back of the van discussing pulling the plug on Bubbe}
Silas Botwin: Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah.
Andy Botwin: Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah…
Silas Botwin: Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah.
Andy Botwin: Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah…
TV Show: Weeds
(Doug walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)
Doug Wilson: What happened to all the cheese?
Lenny Botwin: Is that her pimp?
Shane Botwin: My mom is not a prostitute!
Lenny Botwin: Well she's definitely a criminal of some kind. Did she rob a bank?
Shane Botwin: No!
Lenny Botwin: A Costco?
Shane Botwin: No!
Lenny Botwin: Is she a coke dealer?
Shane Botwin: Um...no.
(Doug walks back into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)
Doug Wilson: What happened to all the cheese?
Lenny Botwin: Weed!Your mothers a weed dealer!!
Shane Botwin: Give me back her money.
Doug Wilson: What happened to all the cheese?
Lenny Botwin: Is that her pimp?
Shane Botwin: My mom is not a prostitute!
Lenny Botwin: Well she's definitely a criminal of some kind. Did she rob a bank?
Shane Botwin: No!
Lenny Botwin: A Costco?
Shane Botwin: No!
Lenny Botwin: Is she a coke dealer?
Shane Botwin: Um...no.
(Doug walks back into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)
Doug Wilson: What happened to all the cheese?
Lenny Botwin: Weed!Your mothers a weed dealer!!
Shane Botwin: Give me back her money.
TV Show: Weeds
El Coyote: [pointing a gun at Andy] It is time to pay, cabrón.
Andy Botwin: [to Doug] That's the bad coyote belt-stealer guy. The one who tried to rape Reyna and stab me in the neck.
Doug Wilson: I pictured him taller.
Andy Botwin: [to Doug] That's the bad coyote belt-stealer guy. The one who tried to rape Reyna and stab me in the neck.
Doug Wilson: I pictured him taller.
TV Show: Weeds
El Coyote: [pointing a gun at Andy] I will shoot your knee and shoot your balls. I will shoot your belly...and feed you to the sewer rats.
Doug Wilson: Does that mean that I can go?
Doug Wilson: Does that mean that I can go?
TV Show: Weeds
Doug Wilson: I'm a sidekick, Andy. I'm a sad and lonely sidekick. I'm Andrew Ridgeley.
Andy Botwin: What? He's the other guy in Wham! The guy who doesn't blow people in public bathrooms. He had a solo album. I never bought it, but...
Doug Wilson: I bought it, Andy. It sucked.
Raul: "El Andy"...this is the woman your depressed amigo [Doug] searches for?
Doug Wilson: People don't even talk to sidekicks. It's like I'm not even here.
Andy Botwin: That's the one, Raul.
Raul: We will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.
Andy Botwin: What? He's the other guy in Wham! The guy who doesn't blow people in public bathrooms. He had a solo album. I never bought it, but...
Doug Wilson: I bought it, Andy. It sucked.
Raul: "El Andy"...this is the woman your depressed amigo [Doug] searches for?
Doug Wilson: People don't even talk to sidekicks. It's like I'm not even here.
Andy Botwin: That's the one, Raul.
Raul: We will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.
TV Show: Weeds
Doug Wilson: [to Maria (Mermex)] You're gonna love this country. The land of freedom and opportunity. And...[turns it on] air conditioning. Ah, do you like that? That's the cool breeze of freedom right there.
TV Show: Weeds
Andy Botwin: [trying to plea the Minute-Man Leader to lower his gun] Do you see this girl here? This is the love of his life.
[Doug Wilson nods in agreement]
Andy Botwin: She's the woman that he's gonna marry.
Doug Wilson: Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.
[Doug Wilson nods in agreement]
Andy Botwin: She's the woman that he's gonna marry.
Doug Wilson: Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.
TV Show: Weeds
Minute-Man Leader: [about the smuggled Mexicans] Wait, give me one...so my day is not a total loss.
Andy Botwin: "Give you one"?! These are people!
Doug Wilson: Just, just give him the guy that hugged me, he's annoying. Hombre, up and go. Let's go. Here, come on. Let's go. Out. [the Mexican runs away as soon as Doug pulls him out of the car]
Minute-Man Leader: [to Doug] Get the fuck out of here! [laughs in joy as he heads off with his gun to chase the Mexican]
Andy Botwin: "Give you one"?! These are people!
Doug Wilson: Just, just give him the guy that hugged me, he's annoying. Hombre, up and go. Let's go. Here, come on. Let's go. Out. [the Mexican runs away as soon as Doug pulls him out of the car]
Minute-Man Leader: [to Doug] Get the fuck out of here! [laughs in joy as he heads off with his gun to chase the Mexican]
TV Show: Weeds
[after Maria (Mermex) doesn't want to have sex with him]
Doug Wilson: It's bullshit. I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out. I deserve some.
Andy Botwin: It's been one day.
Doug Wilson: And a half.
Doug Wilson: It's bullshit. I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out. I deserve some.
Andy Botwin: It's been one day.
Doug Wilson: And a half.
TV Show: Weeds
Andy Botwin: [about Maria (Mermex)] Look, she's probably scared. I mean, she's totally out of her element. Make her feel comfortable.
Doug Wilson: How do I do that?
Andy Botwin: You talk to her.
Doug Wilson: Okay. Alright. Talk to her. About what?
Andy Botwin: About anything. On the way over here, we had great talks. She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.
Doug Wilson: She's an orphan?
Andy Botwin: Yeah.
Doug Wilson: Sweet. Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.
Doug Wilson: How do I do that?
Andy Botwin: You talk to her.
Doug Wilson: Okay. Alright. Talk to her. About what?
Andy Botwin: About anything. On the way over here, we had great talks. She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.
Doug Wilson: She's an orphan?
Andy Botwin: Yeah.
Doug Wilson: Sweet. Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.
TV Show: Weeds
[after Doug doesn't care he accidentally stepped on a sand castle]
Kid: You're a bad man.
Doug Wilson: You're a bad castle builder.
Kid: You're a bad man.
Doug Wilson: You're a bad castle builder.
TV Show: Weeds