Weeds Quotes

Nancy: (Reading flyer) What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly. Are you sure this isn't what to do if you want to date a mountain lion? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia, so...
Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Nancy: Excuse me?
Celia: I think I'd like to try it.
Nancy: With who?
Celia: Anyone. I don't care. I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna fuck around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock in my mouth is just too depressing.
Nancy: I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.
Celia: Maybe you're right. The truth is, pussy really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

TV Show: Weeds
Celia: You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior. You should really tell the parents, they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van with blacked out windows.

TV Show: Weeds
Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Nancy: None of your business
Celia: Oh come on, tell me
Nancy: Okay, I slept with a woman in college
Celia: How was it?
Nancy: Boring.
Celia: Well, maybe you didn't do it right.
Nancy: She said I was the best she'd ever had.
Celia: What are you doing Friday night?

TV Show: Weeds
Nancy: They wanted to suspend him.
Andy: For what? If Shane wants to believe in Chris, and they try to suspend him for it, Whoa! That's freedom of religion, that's like the first commandment; we could nail ‘em on that.
Nancy: I don't think Chris is protected under "Freedom of Religion," Andy. In fact, the Angry Christian Moms I heard from in the PTA were pretty offended by it.
Andy: Well that's so intolerant. I mean, what would Jesus do?

TV Show: Weeds
Nancy: Not to mention the amount of shit I'm going to get from those Hypochristian bitch moms I'm going to get tomorrow.

TV Show: Weeds
Nancy: You're the Candyman?
The "Candyman" : Yes, you getting any exercise?
Nancy: Excuse me?
The "Candyman" : If you're not committed to personal fitness, I can't in good conscience sell to you.
Nancy: I wouldn't say Heylia's in the best shape.
The "Candyman" : Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her into a diabetic coma. So I have no problem selling to her.
Nancy: Why?
The "Candyman" : Scare her. Some people never learn until their life is on the line.

TV Show: Weeds
The "Candyman" : You know what you are?
Nancy: What?
The "Candyman" : Skinny-fat. And what are we gonna do about that?
Nancy: We're gonna start exercising right away.
The "Candyman" : Don't humor me. I'm very serious. I used to weigh 314 pounds.
Nancy: Wow. Congratulations.
The "Candyman" : The key, exercise.
Nancy: You know, I'm not buying for personal use.
The "Candyman" : Are your customers just a bunch of Fatty McFat-Fats?
Nancy: Well they're smokers. But it stands to reason that if they eat rather than smoke, they can breathe easier should they decide to exercise.
The "Candyman" : That's a reasonable assumption.

TV Show: Weeds
Silas: I need to talk to you, you fucking perv.

TV Show: Weeds
Andy: Hey pants
Nancy: Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cyber sex with a 15 year old deaf girl.

TV Show: Weeds
Andy: The way I see it is you're in way over your head here. You got a house, you got bills, you're a mommy. Dealing is a full time job. You need some help, Nancy Pants.
Nancy: Don't call me pants. Judah called me pants, not you.
Andy: Hey, I miss him too, Nancy. Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother. And I loved him. And I have your back.

TV Show: Weeds
Guidance Counselor: (Reading Shane's poetry/rap) My name is Shane/I bring the pain/ Up from the streets of Agrestic/Bitch, you don't wanna sweat this/I cap any motherfucker/You don't wanna test this/Be-
Shane: "Be-otch." I got rage in me. This is my way of venting.
Guidance Counselor: Well, you made a lot of people around this school very nervous.
Shane: Yeah? That's because they're a bunch of bitch ass white boys.
Guidance Counselor: I hate to break this to you, but you're also a bitch ass white boy.
Shane: Whatever, I don't care.
Guidance Counselor: I think you do care. A great deal.
Shane: Yeah, about what?
Guidance Counselor: You want approval from your peer group and when you don't get it, when they call you weirdo or Strange Botwin, then you wanna lash out. In this case, through your rap.
Shane: Yeah, that's it. I just wanna fit in. Can I go now?
Guidance Counselor: Shane you're here, because there's some concern that you might act on these emotions.
Shane: I'm not gonna cap any motherfuckers.
Guidance Counselor: How do I know that?
Shane: ‘Cause my therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.
Guidance Counselor: You may go.

TV Show: Weeds
Insurance Man: With all due respect, sir, this is not the first time that a crate of carbonated beverages fell form a low flying Cessna and devastated a house.
Dean: You're kidding?

TV Show: Weeds
Andy: Hey, Doug.
Doug: Hey, Randy.
Andy: Andy, it's Andy.
Doug: Oh really? I thought… It's not Randy?
Andy: (Andy shakes his head)
Doug: I've always thought of you as a Randy.
Andy: Pretty sure.
Doug: Hmm, wow. Okay.
Andy: Lookin' for Nancy?
Doug: Yeah, I am, is she around?
Andy: No, you can try her cell phone.
Doug: Oh no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things. (Hears television in background) Are you watching Incredihoes?
Andy: Ha, yeah.
Doug: Oh that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times, I've never seen the whole thing.
Andy: That's a strong endorsement.
Doug: It is. Oh… I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would ya?
Andy: That'd be kinda weird
Doug: Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Well, enjoy. Orgasmagirl's a squirter.
Andy: Hey hey hey, spoiler.
Doug: You know I've got about an 8th of Romula on me.
Andy: Come on in.

TV Show: Weeds
Celia: High on Ludes. Queen of the Roller Disco. I could fuck against a wall with my skates on, no easy feat.

TV Show: Weeds
Andy: Runway?
Doug: You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.
Andy: That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.
Doug: What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.
Andy: It's a taint.
Doug: Runway.
Andy: This is a taint.
Doug: Runway.
Andy: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
Lupita: The coffee table.

TV Show: Weeds
Conrad: This for you Snowflake. This my special blend, I call this here Clark Kent. Just sniff this, right here. It's good, huh?! You smoke this shit and you just wanna rip your clothes off in a phone booth and fight crime. I'm serious!

TV Show: Weeds
Heylia: Hey! Hey! Stop all that damn arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?
Vaneeta: Yeah
Conrad: Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?
Vaneeta: She's in shock, slap her.
Conrad: I ain't slappin' no white woman.
Heylia: Move, I'll do it.
Nancy: No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)
Heylia: You sure?
Nancy: Yeah (sniff).
Heylia: all right, let's clean this shit up.
Nancy: (Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?
Heylia: Baby, that probably was the police.
Nancy: I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.
Conrad: We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?
Heylia: Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.

TV Show: Weeds
Heylia: Shit, white folks get soda pop, niggas get bullets.

TV Show: Weeds
Andy: Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.
Nancy: Please leave.
Andy: I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!
Nancy: I can't do this right now.
Andy: You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.
Nancy: Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy: (Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.
Andy: Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.
Nancy: This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.
Andy: Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.

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Maggie: Look who's here everyone! It's Celia.
Celia: Down, Maggie. I have cancer. I'm not retarded.

TV Show: Weeds
Maggie: Celia, you can't smoke in here.
Celia: Because…?
Big Fun PTA Mom: Second hand smoke kills.
Maggie: Celia, did you bring your muffins?
Celia: I didn't feel like baking.
Maggie: None of us ever feels like baking.
Pam: I love baking.
Maggie: Except Pam. But, we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.
Celia: Oh, give me a break. You're raising money for a swim team. How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?
Pam: 18.95.
Celia: I'll tell you what, (hands Pam a 20) keep the change.
Maggie: So, we're really not getting the muffins, are we?
Celia: (Gets up to leave) I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on earth. See ya ladies.

TV Show: Weeds
Cop: Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign?
Andy: Nice bike. Did your horse die?
Cop: Sir –
Andy: You must be in killer shape. Let me see your quads man.
Cop: May I see your driver's license and registration please.
Andy: When you arrest people do you ride ‘em in on your handlebars or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?
Cop: Step out of the car.
Andy: Oh, come on. Seriously? I'm just having fun. You're a cop in bike shorts. It's adorable.
Cop: I have a gun.
Andy: Cool, I'm cool.

TV Show: Weeds
Andy: You know, I don't think you're adorable anymore.

TV Show: Weeds
Shane: I got sent to the school shrink. They'll probably be calling you.
Nancy: Oh, not again, why this time.
Shane: I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler, with my Gat.

TV Show: Weeds
Andy: Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for god's sake.
Nancy: ‘Cause you're stupid. So, Ms. Greenstein, wha-what happens now?
Ms. Greenstein: Incarceration, in a medium security prison for no longer than 10 years.
Andy: 10 years?
Ms. Greenstein: Joke! (Laughs) Listen up everybody, there's nothing to worry about. You're looking at a fine and, probably an anti-drug class.
Nancy: So, no jail time?
Ms. Greenstein: You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.
Andy: Oh, that's bullshit.
Ms. Greenstein: I don't understand, that's good news.
Andy: I paid for a full ounce. They fuckin' cheated me.
Nancy: They fuckin' saved your ass from going to jail.
Ms. Greenstein: Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
Nancy: So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?
Ms. Greenstein: That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.
Nancy: What if the marijuana is in baked goods – say, candy or chocolate?
Ms. Greenstein: (Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.
Nancy: What would get their attention?
Andy: If I sued ‘em, can I sue ‘em?
Ms. Greenstein: All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.
Nancy: What about growing?
Ms. Greenstein: Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.
Nancy: Years?
Ms. Greenste

TV Show: Weeds
Celia: Is your mom home?
Shane: Not yet, she went to bail uncle Andy out of jail.
Celia: Well, tell her I stopped by.
Shane: Okay… I like your jacket.
Celia: Well, thank you, Shane. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.
Shane: Everyone thinks I'm weird.
Celia: Well, I can see how you might give that impression.
Shane: I really don't care what they think.
Celia: Good for you. Let your freak flag fly.
Shane: Really?
Celia: Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks and I've gotta tell ya, I feel great.
Shane: But you have cancer.
Celia: And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So we can feel all self-conscious and pretend everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.
Shane: Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.
Celia: For what?
Shane: For telling me the truth.
Celia: You're welcome. It's a bitch though, ain't it?

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Celia: I was thinking of going bigger.
Nancy: Bigger?
Celia: Really big. Like freak show big. 47 triple Fs. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

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Nancy: I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.
Celia: Sorry. I took a lude.

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Andy Botwin: What are they teaching you at school?
Shane Botwin: [Sarcastically] Like how to pass the standardised tests to give the school more funding!

TV Show: Weeds
Celia Hodes: Why do gay men hate women so much?
Gay Stylist: Because we all had mothers like you!

TV Show: Weeds