The Venture Bros. Quotes

Dean: Hear that? I'm in charge. And I think it's just about little Hanky's bed time.
Hank: Oh, take a bow. [Hits him in the crotch]

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Bartender: [To Brock] You got it, ape-drape. [Brock growls] A bud for captain mullet head. [Brock begins to draw his knife]

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Bartender: [as Brock leaves] Leavin' us so soon, hockey hair? [Brock represses a scream because he isn't allowed to kill him]

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Agent Tester: This test will, uh, test your proficiency with firearms, you'll have two min-
Brock: Uh uh. No guns. I don't use guns.
Agent Tester: The nine millimeter Glock is standard issue to all agents in the field. You're required-
Brock: Guns are for sissies.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank and Dean: Hey Brock!
Brock: Go to bed. [walks past the door dejectedly, then walks back in] Why would you dress like that? [Dean is in his underwear with a number of socks wrapped around his head]
Hank: Dean lost a bet, and now he's my slave, and he's refusing a direct order to drink this!
Brock: You never welch on a bet, Dean. Be a man. Drink it. [Hank is offering some green liquid with various substances floating in it] Go to bed. You're father's gonna be... coming... [leaves mumbling dejectedly]
Dean: Brock looks like hell.
Hank: Drink it.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: No. No no no. Bad robot! Bad H.E.L.P.E.R. We don't do that. [H.E.L.P.eR is eating test tubes] We do not eat test tubes! Come here! [H.E.L.P.E.R. backs away] I'm not playing games here. [A hole burns through H.E.L.P.eR's stomach] What, you don't feel well now? Well, what did you expect? Your mixing acids and bases there.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: So I said, "Listen, my Dad invented UNIVAC, so I think I would know!" Well, that uppity little T.A. didn't give me any more trouble the rest of the semester.
Dr. Girlfriend: [forces a laugh] You dog, you.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: [hands Brock a tiny lunchbox] I packed a lunch for you. Bologna and cheese. And I cut the crusts off the way I like.
Dean: And I downloaded a bunch of crib notes into your communicator watch. You get stuck on one of the hard questions, just look it up.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka!
(he emerges from under the sheets)
Hank: Holy crap! What happened?
Dr. Venture: Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye, and he blinked.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dean: No worries, Brock. I'll walk you through the written portion. Question 1: You're in Prague. A sniper's in the window above you. There's an alligator behind you, and a grizzly bear in front of you. What do you do? Do you-
Brock: Back somersault, pry off the alligator's jaw, use it as a boomerang to take out the sniper. When he falls out the window, the grizzly'll go straight for the easier meal.
Dean: Uh... the answer's C.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even wanna be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough?
Brock: [stops] Hank, seriously, when I get my license back I'm allowed to kill you.
Hank: Oh. [Hurriedly removes his foot] Sorry, Brock.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: Little worried about that hickey, Doc. [Dr. Venture's is halfway covered in swelling redness]
Dr. Venture: Oh, Brock, don't worry. I'm not falling in love!
Brock: That's not what I-
Dr. Venture: And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy. Rusty needs a new mommy.
Hank: We don't even know who our old mommy was.
Dr. Venture: Oh, that's right. I've never really told you about her. Well, she was- [horn honks outside] That'll be Charlene! Gotta run, boys! Don't stay up too late!!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: Oh, you're back! You didn't miss much. Oh, one of them [the strippers] was dressed like a cheerleader and said she was 19, but she had a Caesarean scar and her face had more lines on it than a mirror at Studio 54.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dean: Well, I scored your sample test, Brock, and well, you did better than Hank did, but let's just say you'll have to do awfully well on the physical portion.
Hank: No problem. Your training begins now! [takes Brock's dinner and gives him a glass of eggs] Drink up! Your ass is mine, Samson! When I get through with you, you're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!
Dean: Looks more like he's gonna drink eggs and crap....eggs.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: Grandpa. How dare they! I'm only 43. I'm still a young man. Maybe a little frayed around the edges, but who wouldn't be between my work and raising two boys?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Bartender: Hey, if it isn't Frankenmullet. What can I do you for? [Brock slaps his new liscense to kill on the bar. The bartender turns, looks at it, and Brock launches over the bar at him]

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(Brock, Hank, Dean, and Dr. Venture are hanging over the Amazon River)
Brock: Take your time, Monarch, because the minute you finish your little speech, I'm going to kill you.
The Monarch: What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Just look at you shmucks, I don't think I'm the one in danger here, considering the sad fact that right below you flows the mighty Amazon, teeming with the most gruesome fish to ever--
Hank: The piranha.
The Monarch: No.
Hank: The shark?
The Monarch: No!
Hank: (pause) The piranha?
The Monarch: NO!! And shut up! This isn't a quiz. Now where was I... right! The dreaded Candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra, to feed on the damaged tissue of the pitiful mass of flesh you once called your PENIS!!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: Did you lift anything heavy?
Dean: (in extreme pain) I told you, it's not a hernia.
Dr. Venture: Were you roughhousing with your brother?
Dean: Nooo.
Dr. Venture: (suddenly, in horror) Oh dear god... You two haven't been... experimenting with inappropriate touching-
Dean: No! Gross!
Dr. Venture: I know you've been seeing a lot of that little tramp who lives next door. Lord knows what kind of diseases that hussy carries.
Dean: (groans, still in acute testicular pain) It's getting worse!
Dr. Venture: Dean, I don't want you hanging around with Triana Orpheus any more. I don't approve of the way she dresses! Girls like that are usually on the dope. (gasps) Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?! You can tell me! - I'm hip!
Dean: Daa-ad!! Why are you doing this?! I don't know what I did!! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks, and- and they never took their foot away!
Dr. Venture: Alright Dean, you're going to have to pull down your pants. I have to palpate the region.
Dean: Please dad! Please, please, please don't feel me up!
Dr. Venture: I'm going to palpate, Dean. This isn't any fun for me either. Do you want me to get H.E.L.P.eR. to do it? Is that better for you? A doddering old robot with cold, steel claws. Is that what you want?
Dean: Ahhhuh!! I want a doctor!!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: Dr. Girlfriend, would you come over here with me for a moment.
Dr. Girlfriend: (oblivious to the situation) Oh I guess the muscular one is alright, but the boy is just going too far. Can't we just use the puppet again?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Master Billy Quizboy: Alright, let's see them.
Dean: I don't want to show my junk to a little boy.
Dr. Venture: Oh, come on!
Dean: You said you wouldn't look!
Dr. Venture: I'M NOT LOOKING! Billy, fess up to the boy. He's been pulling that "Boy Genius" crap for at least the 20 years that I've known him.
Master Billy Quizboy: Well, nobody is that impressed with "Master Billy Quizboy ADULT Genius."
Dr. Venture: Like a speech impediment and growth hormone deficiency qualifies you as a "BOY Genius."
Pete White: Don't forget the huge head!
Master Billy Quizboy: Now you guys are just ganging up on me! Can we just do this please?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#24: Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.
#21: Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals!
#24: Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
#21: Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: Well, what happens if we wait?
Master Billy Quizboy: That's not so good. My guess is that in a couple of hours, your son's testes are going to die, then atrophy.
Pete White: Think raisin, or better yet, you know when you're eating peanuts, and you crack one open and the little nut is all dark and crammed into one corner...
Master Billy Quizboy: You're finished, right? As for untwisting them, I don't know which way they spun.
Pete White: Unless you're that guy from INXS and that's, like, your thing, the pain would be excruciating.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#24: Boss, there's a monster down here!
#21: I think it was two ninjas taped together to make one giant ninja!
#24: I saw it climb the wall, it was a giant spider!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: Hank. Hank! I am your real father!
Hank: No way. No way, that's not true!
The Monarch: Psyche!! Ha, sucker! You were all (mimicking) "Oh daddy, you're my daddy!" You are so gullible! What is that like?!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(Hank is looking at a list of supervillains in a Guild of Calamitous Intent handbook)
Hank: Man, this is the coolest book ever! There's a guy in here who guards his headquarters with robot cheetahs!
The Monarch: Oh yeah, the Zoo Creeper. Oh, hey, am I in there?
Hank: Ummmmmm, nope.
The Monarch: M, for (shakes fist, intimidating glare) MONARCH!!
Hank: Uh-uh.
The Monarch: Try T, for (same fist-shaking and intimidating glare) THE MONARCH!!
Hank: Hmm, nothin'.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!
The Monarch: You're kidding me, right? That's the only outfit I've ever seen you in!
Hank: Well, that doesn't mean I never wash it.
The Monarch: Fair enough. Number 27! Get the kid a change of clothes! (Looking at Brock) How 'bout you? You ok?
Brock: I didn't sleep in my clothes.
The Monarch: 27! Burn his sheets!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: You scream, I'll break your neck, you understand me? (Dr. Girlfriend nods, and Brock takes his hand from her mouth)
Dr. Girlfriend: You're going to take advantage of me, aren't you? (removes the bedsheets to reveal herself in lingerie) Well, be quick with it!
Brock: To be honest with you, I never really considered that.
Dr. Girlfriend: Why not?
Brock: Just didn't.
Dr. Girlfriend: (obviously disappointed) Well, I'm not gonna beg.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: Why haven't you tried the world domination thing? You scared of the big leagues?
The Monarch: Please, how stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Mr. One: Gentlemen, this is quite possibly the hottest situation most of you will ever be involved with. If any of you have any fears about death, any second thoughts about that beautiful new wife of yours screwing every guy you hate because you left her a widow, now is your chance to leave.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Orpheus: Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move.
Dr. Venture: You're kidding, right?
Dr. Orpheus: It just seems so romantic.
Dr. Venture: Oh sure, it looks all glamorous from the outside, but really it's a huge pain in the ass. They send robots into your lab, break everything, and does my insurance policy cover arch enemies? No.
Dr. Orpheus: I'm jealous! There, I said it.
Dr. Venture: If you want one so bad, take one of mine.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.